OK, I'm going to really try and explain the situation in a coherent manner. I'm a university student and right now I'm about 3 weeks into my first 'serious' relationship. But right now there is a little bit of a problem. I grew up in a family where lots of relatives were always drunk; all the time. It was never anything abusive towards me, but I can remember resenting them getting drunk. Obviously, I currently do not drink at all. However, my boyfriend does. It's nothing extreme; he goes out maybe once every two weeks or so and never drinks to the point of needing a stomach pump. I know that he's responsible and that there's really nothing for me to worry about, but nonetheless it bothers me when he tells me he's going to a bar with his friends. I try really hard not to seem 'controlling' in any sense, but it drives me insane for the night since I'm constantly worried. I told him this recently, and he says he doesn't need to drink; that it's more about the social aspect of being with friends. He invited me to go to one of these parties and he'd stay sober if I was there with him. As much as I greatly appreciate this offer, I would imagine that the situation would be incredibly uncomfortable for both him and myself since I'm simply not a fan of being around drunk people. I really don't know how we can resolve this situation with a fair compromise: I want him to have fun with his friends, but at the same time I don't want him to drink when he's there. If going with him would prevent that, then I guess I should at least give it a try, but does anyone else have a creative solution to the problem? Any help would be GREATLY appreciated: it may seem like a trivial problem but it's driving me insane.
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Stupid Relationship Stuff....
- Thread starter scissors
- Start date
Sorry to be blunt, but I think the problem is with you more than with him. Doesn't sound like he has a drinking problem and you are projecting your fears/concerns onto him. I don't think it is fair to ask him to stop drinking... I mean once every couple of weeks is well below average for university students. I don't know what to tell you except to look inside yourself and deal with the issues from your past so as not to ruin the present and future based on it.
I don't want him to stop drinking; I completely understand that other people don't have the same views on it as I do and I respect that. What I was asking for is a way to compromise with the two views so that he can have the social aspect of drinking without it making me feel worried or uncomfortable.
This is the part that you need to work on. What I'm saying is that I don't think there is anything to compromise on. Maybe counseling would help you sort through some of these issues. I wish I could give better advice here but you haven't given us much about why you have issues with alcohol... all very vague about family members in the past. It's your issues with alcohol that is the primary problem. It could lead into a secondary relationship issue on the current path, but really the relationship aspect is fine as I see it.
Honestly scissors, from what you've written, you sound pretty judgmental to me. In other words you're also making your judgments based upon your past experience with those who choose to imbibe.
You stated that your boyfriend has invited you out with his friends, and to further entice you to join them, he even offered to not drink. But yet you say that you're
How do you know that they're "drunk."
I sociallize with many of my friends on a weekly basis where drinks are available, and many of them are drinking, but I have rarely seen any of them "drunk."
My ex-boyfriend recently celebrated 1.5 years of sobriety. Back in the day he and I use to party party. He's finally gotten to a point where he's comfortable coming out and joining us, but there are times where he seriously has a problem being around that type of atmosphere. I respect his feelings as he respects mine. I try to plan outings between the two of us where he's not put into a position being uncomfortable.
I agree with Jockboy, the problem is yours not your boyfriend's. If your problem is
However, all that I can say is good luck with that, as there are many people that I know who socialize where alcohol is served.
This guy that you're seeing appears willing to compromise for you, but you should be willing to compromise and at least take him up on his invitation to join him and his friends. I know several gay couples where one of the two doesn't drink at all, or will "nurse" the one cocktail/soda that they'll be having all night.
Go and join him with an open mind. You might just find that things aren't nearly as bad as you remember them.
Good Luck!
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You stated that your boyfriend has invited you out with his friends, and to further entice you to join them, he even offered to not drink. But yet you say that you're
How do you know that they're "drunk."
I sociallize with many of my friends on a weekly basis where drinks are available, and many of them are drinking, but I have rarely seen any of them "drunk."
My ex-boyfriend recently celebrated 1.5 years of sobriety. Back in the day he and I use to party party. He's finally gotten to a point where he's comfortable coming out and joining us, but there are times where he seriously has a problem being around that type of atmosphere. I respect his feelings as he respects mine. I try to plan outings between the two of us where he's not put into a position being uncomfortable.
I agree with Jockboy, the problem is yours not your boyfriend's. If your problem is
Either you can join him, find a way to trust him and to not be so anxious, or find another boyfriend.
However, all that I can say is good luck with that, as there are many people that I know who socialize where alcohol is served.
This guy that you're seeing appears willing to compromise for you, but you should be willing to compromise and at least take him up on his invitation to join him and his friends. I know several gay couples where one of the two doesn't drink at all, or will "nurse" the one cocktail/soda that they'll be having all night.
Go and join him with an open mind. You might just find that things aren't nearly as bad as you remember them.
Good Luck!
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I appreciate you guys being blunt and harsh; don't apologize for it. I know that it's a problem with me; I don't know why I have such a hard time accepting the fact that people drink. He's a great guy in every other possible way and I would love to get to a point where I'm totally indifferent to whether he drinks or not. Also, it's not a jealousy issue (I'm not defending, I've thought alot about this as well) because I don't get the same bitter feelings when he's just hanging around with his friends as I do when I know he's out drinking. I don't know why I feel this way about alcohol - it's not normal from someone my age to think this way. Well, thanks for all of the advice; I guess I still have quite a bit of thinking to do about this.
i guess you have this fear of drinking cos of what happened in your family.
i dont know,i mean were they drunk when you were a little child?maybe they scared you or something like that and you dont remember it.
i guess you must try to drink,to see its not something scary!
not much,drink just a small glass of beer.you need to try and fight your fears look them in the eyes!thats the only way you can get over them.
i dont know,i mean were they drunk when you were a little child?maybe they scared you or something like that and you dont remember it.
i guess you must try to drink,to see its not something scary!
not much,drink just a small glass of beer.you need to try and fight your fears look them in the eyes!thats the only way you can get over them.
I think that's the best thing to do. I know it's unreasonable to think this way and I'm up for anything to shake these feelings. Perhaps by slowly immersing myself into such situations I'll eventually condition myself to see that drinking is not such a bad thing. I know it's not. I just need to believe it when I say that.
I'm not sure you need to drink (visions of scissors becoming an alcoholic all b/c of JUB... it does tend to run in families a bit). But maybe it'll help. Maybe hanging around him when he's drinking with his friends you might see that they're just having a good time. I rarely get drunk anymore and yet, I don't mind drunk friends at all... they're amusing, and I can remind them of everything the next day!
Jeimuzu
The Ire Brigade
I've never deliberately drank alcohol in my life, since having mistaken buck's fizz for my own drink (I was eight), and I've hated it ever since... and yet I cope. I just get a glass of pepsi or coke, sit and chat. Drunk people are hilarious. Keep in mind, they won't remember anything if they get absolutely wasted, whereas you'll remember everything stupid they did. Anyways, they won't. The people who get wasted on a night out are the ones who go out every night.
Anyways, I went to a festival recently, and I was surrounded by people who'd been drinking for pretty much four days running, unclean, and sleepless... and I coped fine. Oh, and most of them were six kinds of wednesday (If anyone gets the reference in that term, you get a virtual cookie and a well done) on weed, too.
People who've had a couple of pints are really no bother.
Anyways, I went to a festival recently, and I was surrounded by people who'd been drinking for pretty much four days running, unclean, and sleepless... and I coped fine. Oh, and most of them were six kinds of wednesday (If anyone gets the reference in that term, you get a virtual cookie and a well done) on weed, too.
People who've had a couple of pints are really no bother.
Well last night I went to a small party with him (about 8 or 9 people) and he was incredible about it. He forewarned them that I don't drink so that they weren't constantly asking me to. He also stayed sober with me the entire time. Although it wasn't exactly my 'favorite' scenario (once things started going there were drugs and alot of other interesting things as well) it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. The one thing that did make me uncomfortable were the high people that were there. I guess I can't deal with treating and talking to other 20 year olds like they have permanent brain damage. And although based on that experience I can say that I would prefer not to do it again just because it wasn't exactly fun for me, I hope that I won't be bothered by him going out as much if at all anymore.
newkidondagayblock
On the Prowl
Scissors, keep your priorities in mind. You need to give comfort to your boyfriend that you are okay with his drinking alcohol, not getting drunk on it.
You can go with him to a bar, but you dont need to drink to prove anything.
As for the other guys around just bear them. Don't say yes to everything they say, but dont make a scene either. Just remember you and your boyfriend support each other no matter what.
Hope that din't sound like a sermon. Take care, be happy you have someone in your life that makes you happy.
You can go with him to a bar, but you dont need to drink to prove anything.
As for the other guys around just bear them. Don't say yes to everything they say, but dont make a scene either. Just remember you and your boyfriend support each other no matter what.
Hope that din't sound like a sermon. Take care, be happy you have someone in your life that makes you happy.
Newkid, that's the problem: I am fine with him drinking socially and stuff, but it starts to bother me when he gets drunk. Is it normal to be bothered by this? I have no problem whatsoever with him drinking but I hate the thought of him being drunk and acting stupid. This problem probably seems so trivial to all of you, but it's driving me insane....
Jeimuzu
The Ire Brigade
Actually, I can see where your problem is, and it doesn't seem stupid to me. I tend to think out people's problems before judging them on them.
Some people get different when they're drunk. Some people get tipsy, and they're sweet usually. Just all affectionate, and stuff. That's an easy way to get good snuggle time.
Get a small coke when you go out with him, because you can tell anyone who's pressuring you that there's vodka in it. I tend to have that excuse as a backup. It's a lie, of course, but it's fairly unverifiable. I've had vodka and coke before, and the smell and taste weren't much different. It just didn't taste quite as nice... a little more bitter. That's the only alcohol I've ever willingly drunk, and very rarely. Only at a party where the hosts refuse to serve soft drinks, which is rare. Last time was about four years ago, incidentally, when I was clearly too young to drink
I'm only just old enough now...
There's one good way to get around things, and this is going to make me sound like a freakin' counsellor!
Mentally beating the problem. Basically, you can sometimes take the problem apart mentally and come to the conclusion that it's not so bad after all; that everything will be fine, and there'll be no repercussions tomorrow, of anyone's actions. After all, any problem is something that doesn't last long. He sobers up. You both go to sleep. He wakes up feeling a bit ill. By the afternoon, he'll be fine. That method is the only way I get anything done, because I tend to be an obsessive pessimist. Pretty much anything worries me, because I see the downside.
Thing is, he needs to forget his problems. No real problems, I hope, just general stress. It happens to all of us. I don't trust myself while drunk, personally. Alcohol does weird things to me, and I don't like that. Last time I drank a sip of champagne at new years, later I was sat on my bed laughing one second, and crying my eyes out the next, with my brother sat next to me trying to keep me calm. It messes with my head too much.
This post is either gonna be really helpful, or utter nonsense. If it's nonsense, I apologise - I'm fighting with myself to come out to a friend of mine, so I'm a bit stressed - and beyond my level of mental blocking.
Some people get different when they're drunk. Some people get tipsy, and they're sweet usually. Just all affectionate, and stuff. That's an easy way to get good snuggle time.
Get a small coke when you go out with him, because you can tell anyone who's pressuring you that there's vodka in it. I tend to have that excuse as a backup. It's a lie, of course, but it's fairly unverifiable. I've had vodka and coke before, and the smell and taste weren't much different. It just didn't taste quite as nice... a little more bitter. That's the only alcohol I've ever willingly drunk, and very rarely. Only at a party where the hosts refuse to serve soft drinks, which is rare. Last time was about four years ago, incidentally, when I was clearly too young to drink
I'm only just old enough now...There's one good way to get around things, and this is going to make me sound like a freakin' counsellor!
Mentally beating the problem. Basically, you can sometimes take the problem apart mentally and come to the conclusion that it's not so bad after all; that everything will be fine, and there'll be no repercussions tomorrow, of anyone's actions. After all, any problem is something that doesn't last long. He sobers up. You both go to sleep. He wakes up feeling a bit ill. By the afternoon, he'll be fine. That method is the only way I get anything done, because I tend to be an obsessive pessimist. Pretty much anything worries me, because I see the downside.
Thing is, he needs to forget his problems. No real problems, I hope, just general stress. It happens to all of us. I don't trust myself while drunk, personally. Alcohol does weird things to me, and I don't like that. Last time I drank a sip of champagne at new years, later I was sat on my bed laughing one second, and crying my eyes out the next, with my brother sat next to me trying to keep me calm. It messes with my head too much.
This post is either gonna be really helpful, or utter nonsense. If it's nonsense, I apologise - I'm fighting with myself to come out to a friend of mine, so I'm a bit stressed - and beyond my level of mental blocking.
You're not there when he's drinking, so how do you know that he gets drunk and acts stupid?
echo 3nipples....
When I get drunk I just become more me... as one friend said "you become jockboy squared". LOL.
Not all drunk people act stupd I promise. Some are really fun... some are really mean drunks. Everybody is different.
When I get drunk I just become more me... as one friend said "you become jockboy squared". LOL.
Not all drunk people act stupd I promise. Some are really fun... some are really mean drunks. Everybody is different.
Christopher123
Still a Virgin at heart
Listen, I'm gonna chime in here.....
I perfectly understand this 'fear' you have of him getting really drunk (I grew up with an alcoholic mother). But from what you've said, that he stays sober even at parties just for you, it's a little obvious, babe, that YOU are more important to him than the alcohol.
Doncha think?
What, exactly, are you worried about when he goes to the bar? Him drinking and driving and/or ending up in trouble? Or does it go a little deeper than that?
Hey scissors,
These guys are right...this guy can and is prepared to make changes/sacrifices for you by the sounds of it...are you willing to try for him??
Its perfectly OK for you to be bothered by alcohol and drunks...no one would suggest otherwise given your past experiences. Its a big deal for you and thats normal...we've all got things that we dont like or try to avoid. Dont worry about that side of it.
What you have to think through though is this... does this fear affect your ability to be happy with this (or any other) guy? Are you judging him fairly or projecting your fears?
In no way am I suggesting that you should all of a sudden condone drunkenness...thats your moral compass that tells you those things. But life is about give and take and most of all trust. Trust that people have their own boundaries and values. Trust that others can respect your point of view and ideals without needing to conform to them as strickley as you do. Virtually all things take compromise to work. You know that your bf understands you - he stayed sober for you. But thats not compromise thats sacrifice...
Theres a middle ground here mate....you just need to find it. Work towards seeing alcohol as just part of being social when used in moderation...your bf sounds like the perfect guy to show you that. You dont have to partake just be ok when he does as long as he doesnt over do it all the time...thats his part of the deal.
Dont let this thing become such a huge strict inflexible set of guidelines that it hurts other parts of your life. Thats when its an issue....for you!!! Take small steps mate...
These guys are right...this guy can and is prepared to make changes/sacrifices for you by the sounds of it...are you willing to try for him??
Its perfectly OK for you to be bothered by alcohol and drunks...no one would suggest otherwise given your past experiences. Its a big deal for you and thats normal...we've all got things that we dont like or try to avoid. Dont worry about that side of it.
What you have to think through though is this... does this fear affect your ability to be happy with this (or any other) guy? Are you judging him fairly or projecting your fears?
In no way am I suggesting that you should all of a sudden condone drunkenness...thats your moral compass that tells you those things. But life is about give and take and most of all trust. Trust that people have their own boundaries and values. Trust that others can respect your point of view and ideals without needing to conform to them as strickley as you do. Virtually all things take compromise to work. You know that your bf understands you - he stayed sober for you. But thats not compromise thats sacrifice...
Theres a middle ground here mate....you just need to find it. Work towards seeing alcohol as just part of being social when used in moderation...your bf sounds like the perfect guy to show you that. You dont have to partake just be ok when he does as long as he doesnt over do it all the time...thats his part of the deal.
Dont let this thing become such a huge strict inflexible set of guidelines that it hurts other parts of your life. Thats when its an issue....for you!!! Take small steps mate...