Suspect my friend is deeply closeted

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to (the posting side of) JUB!

Here's how you approach him - you don't. He says he's straight. Believe it. Even if he sets the gaydar off. Even if he loves Cher, decorates in his spare time, and shudders at the thought of going to a sporting match. Because if he says he's straight, it means one of two things:

1. He's straight.
2. He's gay/bi, and is scared to death of letting anybody know.

And if it's 2, you're not going to do him any favors dragging him kicking and screaming into homoland.

So what do you do? Live your life. Live an amazing, wonderful, kick-ass life as an out-and-proud gay man. Maybe get yourself an amazing boyfriend, and live a fantastic life together. Then, on the off-chance that he IS gay, he can take a cue from you. That being gay won't preclude you (or anyone) from having a kick-ass life. And if he ISN'T gay...hell, you're having a kick-ass life - what more do you want?

Lex

 

[Seasoned]

The real issue here is whether he is clean and sober. You can screw him later.

 

[screwnutty]

Hello! Welcome to JUB!

Your story is almost the same as an experience I've been having for the last few years (about 5 or so,) with a friend of mine until about a month ago I just said enough with his bullshit.

Lex is right my friend. He's not worth it. Trust me I know it's going to hurt but you have to walk away and keep walking until you no longer care for him. My friend has been in and out of depression for awhile now...he even left town and moved in with some girl who through him out 2 months later. We'd make up...talk.....friends thought we acted like a married couple when we hung out, when we fought.....it started to get to me. Cause I knew that as long as I keep him around....I'd only have eyes for him. I'd never look at any other guy that was interested in me. Of course he keep coming back whenever he was in trouble or didn't have anybody else to talk to or hang with. Thank god I never took it any further then just crushing on him.

The lession to learn here is that some people don't want to be saved. That you have to walk away and live your own life.

 

[Eagle653]

Hi and welcome to JUB! Glad you signed up and posted.

Maybe your new roommate's gaydar is right and he really is gay. Unless he admits it, though, and is willing to come out to himself (let alone anyone else), then the end-result is basically the same as him being straight: Nothing is going to happen and he's going to resent the implication or pressure.

Looking at it a slightly different way: He knows you're gay and has known it for a long time. If he had any interest at all in you, he's had plenty of chances to let you know--from outright telling you, to vague insinuations. In the absence of that, you can only logically assume he's not interested in you in that way.

If his friendship is valuable to you, then continue it and take it for what it is. Try to pull back your loving feelings for him (if you have any anymore) and not fall in love with him again. If you do, you'll be frustrated and hurt. Instead, concentrate on finding a partner who's not difficult, is sure of who he is, and who can return the love you have to give. Good luck to you, and let us know how you're doing. Again, welcome aboard!

 

[KaraBulut]

Welcome to JUB.

Sometimes people need your friendship more than they need to be pushed out of the closet.

This is one of those situations.

Your friend's problems are his own to deal with. He has layers and layers of denial. His most immediate problem is staying sober and trying to repair the damage he did to friendships and family relationships.

ou both would be better served if you just support him while he tries to get his life together. You would be better off not getting dragged too far into this guy's problems- no matter what the cause and no matter what his sexual orientation may turn out to be.

 

[giorgiobaby]

Welcome to JUB, I wouldn't say anything to your friend until he's ready to talk. If you try to bring it up or ask him, you could have a very negative reaction. He'll approach you when he's ready to. You might be in for a long wait.

 

[backpacker]

I think the others above have given good advice. There is one observation that I can add. Even if jealousy is the reason he broke off contact and became depressed, there could be several reasons for the jealousy. It could be a romantic attraction, it could be that he's the type who gets jealous whenever his friends pay attention to others or it could be that he was jealous of you having a romantic interest and he doesn't have a girlfriend. I'm sure there are many more possibilities. Based upon what you have written, I think it's definitely a possibly that he could be gay. As others have said, until he admits it to himself, there really isn't much you can do. Even if he came out tomorrow, he would be somewhat of a gay virgin. You two will be a different points in your acceptance of being gay and a relationship probably wouldn't work out.

 

[innocentbychoice]

Nocturnalclub, welcome to JUB!

And G-Lexington's advice is the best:

Welcome to (the posting side of) JUB!

Here's how you approach him - you don't. He says he's straight. Believe it. Even if he sets the gaydar off. Even if he loves Cher, decorates in his spare time, and shudders at the thought of going to a sporting match. Because if he says he's straight, it means one of two things:

1. He's straight.
2. He's gay/bi, and is scared to death of letting anybody know.

And if it's 2, you're not going to do him any favors dragging him kicking and screaming into homoland.

So what do you do? Live your life. Live an amazing, wonderful, kick-ass life as an out-and-proud gay man. Maybe get yourself an amazing boyfriend, and live a fantastic life together. Then, on the off-chance that he IS gay, he can take a cue from you. That being gay won't preclude you (or anyone) from having a kick-ass life. And if he ISN'T gay...hell, you're having a kick-ass life - what more do you want?

Lex

In fact, I should do that myself. I know someone who pretty much fits this criteria: "he loves Cher, decorates in his spare time, and shudders at the thought of going to a sporting match" but swears to death that he's str8, which freaking annoys me!!!! I don't have any romantic interest in him but I just want him to come out to me so we can be real honest friends. I came out to him, but he just refuses to say he's gay even though my gaydar pretty much overheats everytime I talk to him because of his excessive gayness lol. Ok sorry Nocturnalclub, don't want to hijack your thread so I'll stop here.