taking things to first base

[trikky]

Hope you can help me guys. To get me started I have been doing some very gentle flirting with a few guys who I thought might be receptive but not out. Gentle enough that I could lie my way out if anything went bad. Anyway the responces I got were generally positive although I didn't go beyond the initial flirt and their expression of interest. I decided to join a gym and get a bit more in shape and the 21 yr old male fitness trainer took my weight and blood pressure etc. I didn't flirt with him though but really seemed to have a connection with him straight away and he clearly was very comfortable with me. When he took my BP he seemed quite touchy feeley with me, more so than a straight guy would usually be. He also was surprised at my age saying he thought I looked 5 years younger.

Anyway when I was sat down on one of the weight machines doing the lift he told me to do it slower and stood behind me and covered my hands with his to slow down the lifts I was doing. After my session was over and I was leaving he gave me some info and we got chatting briefly about the gym and exercise and I said "it's always worse the first time" and he said "the first time what" and I said the first time you go to the gym (I had told him I hadn't been to one for 15yrs) and he said oh right, like he was reading another meaning into what I was saying. The next time I was at the gym I was on a rowing machine and was rowing with my eyes shut when he came over said hi and touched my bare arm. I dismissed it all at first because I am a lot older than him and not nearly as good looking or fit and wondered whether it was just wishful thinking by me. But I have noticed the way he is around me is different when he talks to me alone. He gives lots of eye contact and seems very open but as soon as one of his colleagues comes over the eye contact stops and he cuts short the conversation. I am reading this to be that he is not out at work. Another time he was talking to me after he had just finished a session with a pretty young girl and he mentioned to me that she was a fit young bird but I noticed that when he said it he avoided eye contact with me and seemed to stare into the distance like he didn't mean it.

I have been going to the gym regularly and each time he lets on to me but I have noticed that there seems to be a kind of tension between us. I know he notices when I come in the gym because even if he is at the other side I can see he is watching me, but pretending not to and waiting for the right moment to walk past and say hi. I feel like he wants to go to the next step but can't find the way to do it. I know that is down to me making the right moves for him to respond to. I'm just not sure how to do them. Last friday he came into the locker room when I had just got in the shower and was checking the lockers. I got out of the shower and went to my locker and he was just walking past and stopped and said hi and asked what I was doing over the weekend. I said I had some friends coming over and that kind of ended the conversation. I'm sure he was trying to make an opening but I didn't know how to respond in a casual way that would lead to a meet up, but also leave me a get out in case I'm wrong.

My thought is that he is interested but not out either and possibly quite new to it himself and not confident enough to make up for my woeful inadequacies. I don't really know that much about him except the football team he supports, but I know nothing about football. I thought about getting onto the subject and suggesting we meet up for a beer before the next match or something. I know I have to see him on his own to get to the next base but firstly I want to know on the evidence do you think he is interested or I'm just projecting onto him? Can anyone suggest any alternative ways forward to let him know that I am interested. I feel I can't be direct because if I had got it wrong I couldn't face going there again. Please help guys.

 

[TX-Beau]

Here’s the deal. All we know is what you think, we don’t know this guy. So if you’re wrong we’re wrong. Guys who usually ask this question describe the actions of the other guy in the best possible terms, and you’ll get a lot of different answers to this because of that.

This would be a lot simpler if you were out, and could just ask, because really, that’s the only way to be sure.

If you become his straight buddy, then hit on him, and he’s straight, he may think your friendship was all about ulterior motives.

So think about how you want to play this. Is there a chance he’s interested sure, is there a chance he’s not, sure. The only one with an answer to that is him.

 

[trikky]

TX you're pretty straight talking for a gay guy lol. Of course what you say is right, and I hear what your saying about him being straight.

I am sure from his actions that he is not out and because of his job probably won't want to come out, so asking him directly might not help? I know being a closet case myself that I could flirt a little with guys as long it wasn't too direct that I couldn't get out of it if I got it wrong.

I also think it is less romantic and sexy to just tell him I'm gay and ask if he is, because even if he said yes we still have to get to next base from there. Also if I was out at the gym I don't know if I would get any trouble from other members about using the locker room and showers etc. That's the way I'm thinking about this.

 

[LonelyFace]

Hope you can help me guys. To get me started I have been doing some very gentle flirting with a few guys who I thought might be receptive but not out. Gentle enough that I could lie my way out if anything went bad. Anyway the responces I got were generally positive although I didn't go beyond the initial flirt and their expression of interest. I decided to join a gym and get a bit more in shape and the 21 yr old male fitness trainer took my weight and blood pressure etc. I didn't flirt with him though but really seemed to have a connection with him straight away and he clearly was very comfortable with me. When he took my BP he seemed quite touchy feeley with me, more so than a straight guy would usually be. He also was surprised at my age saying he thought I looked 5 years younger.

Anyway when I was sat down on one of the weight machines doing the lift he told me to do it slower and stood behind me and covered my hands with his to slow down the lifts I was doing. After my session was over and I was leaving he gave me some info and we got chatting briefly about the gym and exercise and I said "it's always worse the first time" and he said "the first time what" and I said the first time you go to the gym (I had told him I hadn't been to one for 15yrs) and he said oh right, like he was reading another meaning into what I was saying. The next time I was at the gym I was on a rowing machine and was rowing with my eyes shut when he came over said hi and touched my bare arm. I dismissed it all at first because I am a lot older than him and not nearly as good looking or fit and wondered whether it was just wishful thinking by me. But I have noticed the way he is around me is different when he talks to me alone. He gives lots of eye contact and seems very open but as soon as one of his colleagues comes over the eye contact stops and he cuts short the conversation. I am reading this to be that he is not out at work. Another time he was talking to me after he had just finished a session with a pretty young girl and he mentioned to me that she was a fit young bird but I noticed that when he said it he avoided eye contact with me and seemed to stare into the distance like he didn't mean it.

I have been going to the gym regularly and each time he lets on to me but I have noticed that there seems to be a kind of tension between us. I know he notices when I come in the gym because even if he is at the other side I can see he is watching me, but pretending not to and waiting for the right moment to walk past and say hi. I feel like he wants to go to the next step but can't find the way to do it. I know that is down to me making the right moves for him to respond to. I'm just not sure how to do them. Last friday he came into the locker room when I had just got in the shower and was checking the lockers. I got out of the shower and went to my locker and he was just walking past and stopped and said hi and asked what I was doing over the weekend. I said I had some friends coming over and that kind of ended the conversation. I'm sure he was trying to make an opening but I didn't know how to respond in a casual way that would lead to a meet up, but also leave me a get out in case I'm wrong.

My thought is that he is interested but not out either and possibly quite new to it himself and not confident enough to make up for my woeful inadequacies. I don't really know that much about him except the football team he supports, but I know nothing about football. I thought about getting onto the subject and suggesting we meet up for a beer before the next match or something. I know I have to see him on his own to get to the next base but firstly I want to know on the evidence do you think he is interested or I'm just projecting onto him? Can anyone suggest any alternative ways forward to let him know that I am interested. I feel I can't be direct because if I had got it wrong I couldn't face going there again. Please help guys.

If I was in your position, I would just have assumed that the guy was trying to be professional when talking to me while coworkers were around. He may have been trying to have a normal conversation with you, but had to cut it short to avoid getting into trouble. Employees aren't always supposed to be incredibly open with customers... As for the where he's watching you and waiting to say hi, maybe he's just doing so because you've become a "regular" at that place and he knows you so he wanted to say hi to help you feel more welcome or something. Or maybe he wants to be your friend. I dunno.

I guess my point is that if I had been in your position, I wouldn't have come to any of the same conslusions as you did. But that's just me, and I could always be wrong... Sorry, I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but...

 

[TX-Beau]

I am sure from his actions that he is not out and because of his job probably won't want to come out, so asking him directly might not help? I know being a closet case myself that I could flirt a little with guys as long it wasn't too direct that I couldn't get out of it if I got it wrong.

Being in the closet sucks ass. If you don’t associate with gay men you’ll always be plagued by problems like this, because you’re fishin in a dry pond. Trust me on this, if you can put yourself in the path of real opportunity, you’ll be much happier. Straight guys lose all but visual appeal when compared to guys you don’t have to play this game with, who want to jump in the sack with you, who want to date you, and who have no problem saying it.

I also think it is less romantic and sexy to just tell him I'm gay and ask if he is, because even if he said yes we still have to get to next base from there. Also if I was out at the gym I don't know if I would get any trouble from other members about using the locker room and showers etc. That's the way I'm thinking about this.

Romantic and sexy isn’t playing is he/isn’t he from a distance, all the while being unable to work up the nerve to ask him out. Romantic and sexy is what happens after you get a yes.

I’ve asked guys out blind before – as in no info on them or their sexuality, which has a low probability of success, because there are more straight guys in the world than gay ones. But at least it I got up the nerve to ask in the fist place, and that spared me all the angst that could have followed.

In your situation, if I was that convinced I had some interest, that’s exactly what I’d do. But not being out yourself is the biggest barrier to anything happening here with this guy, or a lot of others – you do realize that if you want him, he will have to know sometime.

So here’s a game plan for you. First, be friendly, second bring up the gay, you don’t need to out yourself or tell him he looks hot in his jock, just bring up the subject. LISTEN to what he says, as in what he actually says, not just what you want to hear. If he’s noncommittal or vague, he’s straight, a gay and interested guy will immediately avail himself of that opening.

Of course he could also be gay and not interested.

And fuck what the homophobes might think about you using the locker room.

 

[boiseboy]

Try to get him to compliment you. Sounds egotistical but it kind of works.

If you're talking to him, reference to another gym member and say something like "I wish i could get my arms like him" or something along those lines.

If this worker likes you, there's a good chance he'll compliment you and try to make you feel better. You can take it from there I'd hope.

 

[Halifaxboy8]

Hope you can help me guys. To get me started I have been doing some very gentle flirting with a few guys who I thought might be receptive but not out. Gentle enough that I could lie my way out if anything went bad. Anyway the responces I got were generally positive although I didn't go beyond the initial flirt and their expression of interest. I decided to join a gym and get a bit more in shape and the 21 yr old male fitness trainer took my weight and blood pressure etc. I didn't flirt with him though but really seemed to have a connection with him straight away and he clearly was very comfortable with me. When he took my BP he seemed quite touchy feeley with me, more so than a straight guy would usually be. He also was surprised at my age saying he thought I looked 5 years younger.

Anyway when I was sat down on one of the weight machines doing the lift he told me to do it slower and stood behind me and covered my hands with his to slow down the lifts I was doing. After my session was over and I was leaving he gave me some info and we got chatting briefly about the gym and exercise and I said "it's always worse the first time" and he said "the first time what" and I said the first time you go to the gym (I had told him I hadn't been to one for 15yrs) and he said oh right, like he was reading another meaning into what I was saying. The next time I was at the gym I was on a rowing machine and was rowing with my eyes shut when he came over said hi and touched my bare arm. I dismissed it all at first because I am a lot older than him and not nearly as good looking or fit and wondered whether it was just wishful thinking by me. But I have noticed the way he is around me is different when he talks to me alone. He gives lots of eye contact and seems very open but as soon as one of his colleagues comes over the eye contact stops and he cuts short the conversation. I am reading this to be that he is not out at work. Another time he was talking to me after he had just finished a session with a pretty young girl and he mentioned to me that she was a fit young bird but I noticed that when he said it he avoided eye contact with me and seemed to stare into the distance like he didn't mean it.

I have been going to the gym regularly and each time he lets on to me but I have noticed that there seems to be a kind of tension between us. I know he notices when I come in the gym because even if he is at the other side I can see he is watching me, but pretending not to and waiting for the right moment to walk past and say hi. I feel like he wants to go to the next step but can't find the way to do it. I know that is down to me making the right moves for him to respond to. I'm just not sure how to do them. Last friday he came into the locker room when I had just got in the shower and was checking the lockers. I got out of the shower and went to my locker and he was just walking past and stopped and said hi and asked what I was doing over the weekend. I said I had some friends coming over and that kind of ended the conversation. I'm sure he was trying to make an opening but I didn't know how to respond in a casual way that would lead to a meet up, but also leave me a get out in case I'm wrong.

My thought is that he is interested but not out either and possibly quite new to it himself and not confident enough to make up for my woeful inadequacies. I don't really know that much about him except the football team he supports, but I know nothing about football. I thought about getting onto the subject and suggesting we meet up for a beer before the next match or something. I know I have to see him on his own to get to the next base but firstly I want to know on the evidence do you think he is interested or I'm just projecting onto him? Can anyone suggest any alternative ways forward to let him know that I am interested. I feel I can't be direct because if I had got it wrong I couldn't face going there again. Please help guys.

I've responded to an earlier post of yours, so I have some insight into you.

You are very sensitive right now, to innocuous touch, to eye-to-eye contact that is, for the sake of such, puritanical.

I can feel your space, and its starving. Like a sponge. You are absorbent to many things, and as such, be wary of that.

I do not think this situation is what you perceive it to be. The key word there is perceive. Your personal mindset is, right now, a bit off. Not saying you're crazed, but your perception is off based on where you are right now.

I've given you advice previously, you've PMed me, and I believe it was sound. I think, my friend, you need to ground yourself. You are searching, but searching too hard, and finding false-positives in the wrong places.

 

[trikky]

thanks for all your replies guys. I think you're right I'm projecting.

Thanks Halifax for your imput. you're right after 20 yrs of nothing I am positively ravenous and probably soaking up the slightest sign of interest from another guy as sexual when it probably isn't.

As always tex your uncompromisingly raw advice, whilst seeming harsh is always absolutely true. so thanks.

Anyone know how to close a thread?