I'm not even certain as to where to start this blog entry, quite honestly. Much of what I am saying here will be a repeat of what I have posted in my thread, post here for reference. Forgive the redundancies for those of you that have already read my post there. I just feel an overwhelming need to once again write about the events as well as add clarity.
Monday and Tuesday (today) were two of the most challenging days of my life, honestly. The reasons are, quite frankly, unbeknownst to me. I've been through breakups before. I've moved before. I guess I've never been demoted in the past. Most certainly I have never had all of them happen at the same time. I suppose that could be a part of the reason for the tears, huh? Personally, I feel as though the mail cause of my pain, frustration, stress, and tears is the most recent "breakup" if one can even call it that.
On Sunday evening the man whom I was seeing (if it can be called "seeing" - it's a long story) and I got into a disagreement. It was based on his "dominance" as he so-called it. I don't feel as though it was dominance that played a part of it, though. I think it's him just being far too domineering instead. There's a difference in being controlled by a person, and being oppressed by someone. I don't feel as though I was being controlled (which in this context I was comfortable with, unlike being controlled personally), rather I was being told how to feel. That's never okay. It's okay to control my actions behind closed doors (yes, I know I'm revealing a lot here), but it's never okay to tell me how to feel or how to perceive a situation. This got to the point where this person texted me and said, "It's fine. I understand you're not ready to commit. I'm sure you'll find someone just as good as me, right?" To which my response was, "I can find someone who will treat me as a submissive, but also someone who will love me, and appreciate me for who I am, rather than treat me like an object." Truthfully, I feel as though this man did treat me like an object, and not a person. I suppose that is a problem in a lot of Dominant/submissive relationships, but it was a huge problem in ours.
After I had thought of what we had done with each other, I realized that it was probably best to get tested for STD's/HIV. I still need to make an appointment to get this done. I'm honestly terrified. I don't think that he has any of the above, and I did trust him in that regard. However, there is always a thought lingering in the back of my mind questioning everything as well. Could I be? What if I am? What if he did? What if he wasn't safe elsewhere? Was I the only one? How many others? There are questions upon questions that are going through my mind at present.
I've only been with a few people in my life, this is the only sexual relationship I have had with a man. I've tried things before, but was never able to "finish" the task, if you will. I know that's a poor way of looking at it. This man and I were able to get to that stage and were able to make love to one another. Perhaps that is why I am taking this so much harder than I thought I would. I felt a deeper connection with him, even though I knew him for the shortest amount of time. Hell I was with one of my partners for nearly three years and we weren't able to get that far. No, I'm not a whore, either! I was interested in this person on a romantic level and a sexual level, too. I thought it was as well. Last week when I flat out asked him what he wanted and how he felt, I received bullshit answers like, "I don't want to limit us and pull labels on what we are." My response, "I can't accept that answer, &&&&. Good luck to you." That pissed him off to the point of Sunday when he texted me telling me that I'm not allowed to make decisions; I'm allowed to take what I am given, and that's all. I'm not allowed to question his intentions, etc. Yeah, that's not Dominant, that's just domineering, you twit. That's when it spiraled into what I mentioned above (sorry for going in a circle).
The move has been keeping me awake at night, too. Last night I believe I got perhaps three hours of sleep, if that. I was posting here on JUB until after midnight. Not sure what time I finally logged off if I am being completely honest with you. Most of the things are ready to go. I don't think it will take that long for my mom, dad, and I to get things out of here on Thursday morning. I do need to be out of here at 12:00 NOON on Thursday. Then I am technically homeless for one day, since I cannot get into my new place until 12:00 NOON on Friday. That's a bit of a bitch, too. I'll probably end up spending the night at my Grandmother's house. Either that or my parent's house, I haven't decided yet. I'm actually expecting a phone call from mother this evening.
The demotion at work has been somewhat okay. I'm just having a bit of a challenging time understanding what the new role entails. Today I was trying to draft a schedule of all of my new responsibilities by month so that I know what to do on a monthly basis. It's truly the only way that I can stay organized. I believe that I have everything updated for when I return on Monday, May 04th. Next week is going to be a son of a bitch, though, because I have a budget meeting right away on Monday, and two sets of financial statements due on Wednesday. Basically that means I have to get them done on Tuesday because I have a Manager's Meeting, Assistant Manager's Meeting, and a training to do on Wednesday, meaning that I won't have time on Wednesday to focus on the financial statements. It's an impossible week, I tell you. Then I have two more financial statements to complete by Friday! It'll be a hell of a stressful time.
Right before posting this entry, I found myself crying a STREAM of tears. They just flowed one right after another down my face. I can't control it anymore. I was crying at about 1 AM as well, I can't get a grip on anything right now, or so it seems. Truthfully, I'm a bloody mess!
I will eventually be okay. For now, I'm sad as can be and hurting like hell.
NOTE: Comments are enabled, but will require moderation before being posted, due to the sensitivity of the topics at hand.
Monday and Tuesday (today) were two of the most challenging days of my life, honestly. The reasons are, quite frankly, unbeknownst to me. I've been through breakups before. I've moved before. I guess I've never been demoted in the past. Most certainly I have never had all of them happen at the same time. I suppose that could be a part of the reason for the tears, huh? Personally, I feel as though the mail cause of my pain, frustration, stress, and tears is the most recent "breakup" if one can even call it that.
On Sunday evening the man whom I was seeing (if it can be called "seeing" - it's a long story) and I got into a disagreement. It was based on his "dominance" as he so-called it. I don't feel as though it was dominance that played a part of it, though. I think it's him just being far too domineering instead. There's a difference in being controlled by a person, and being oppressed by someone. I don't feel as though I was being controlled (which in this context I was comfortable with, unlike being controlled personally), rather I was being told how to feel. That's never okay. It's okay to control my actions behind closed doors (yes, I know I'm revealing a lot here), but it's never okay to tell me how to feel or how to perceive a situation. This got to the point where this person texted me and said, "It's fine. I understand you're not ready to commit. I'm sure you'll find someone just as good as me, right?" To which my response was, "I can find someone who will treat me as a submissive, but also someone who will love me, and appreciate me for who I am, rather than treat me like an object." Truthfully, I feel as though this man did treat me like an object, and not a person. I suppose that is a problem in a lot of Dominant/submissive relationships, but it was a huge problem in ours.
After I had thought of what we had done with each other, I realized that it was probably best to get tested for STD's/HIV. I still need to make an appointment to get this done. I'm honestly terrified. I don't think that he has any of the above, and I did trust him in that regard. However, there is always a thought lingering in the back of my mind questioning everything as well. Could I be? What if I am? What if he did? What if he wasn't safe elsewhere? Was I the only one? How many others? There are questions upon questions that are going through my mind at present.
I've only been with a few people in my life, this is the only sexual relationship I have had with a man. I've tried things before, but was never able to "finish" the task, if you will. I know that's a poor way of looking at it. This man and I were able to get to that stage and were able to make love to one another. Perhaps that is why I am taking this so much harder than I thought I would. I felt a deeper connection with him, even though I knew him for the shortest amount of time. Hell I was with one of my partners for nearly three years and we weren't able to get that far. No, I'm not a whore, either! I was interested in this person on a romantic level and a sexual level, too. I thought it was as well. Last week when I flat out asked him what he wanted and how he felt, I received bullshit answers like, "I don't want to limit us and pull labels on what we are." My response, "I can't accept that answer, &&&&. Good luck to you." That pissed him off to the point of Sunday when he texted me telling me that I'm not allowed to make decisions; I'm allowed to take what I am given, and that's all. I'm not allowed to question his intentions, etc. Yeah, that's not Dominant, that's just domineering, you twit. That's when it spiraled into what I mentioned above (sorry for going in a circle).
The move has been keeping me awake at night, too. Last night I believe I got perhaps three hours of sleep, if that. I was posting here on JUB until after midnight. Not sure what time I finally logged off if I am being completely honest with you. Most of the things are ready to go. I don't think it will take that long for my mom, dad, and I to get things out of here on Thursday morning. I do need to be out of here at 12:00 NOON on Thursday. Then I am technically homeless for one day, since I cannot get into my new place until 12:00 NOON on Friday. That's a bit of a bitch, too. I'll probably end up spending the night at my Grandmother's house. Either that or my parent's house, I haven't decided yet. I'm actually expecting a phone call from mother this evening.
The demotion at work has been somewhat okay. I'm just having a bit of a challenging time understanding what the new role entails. Today I was trying to draft a schedule of all of my new responsibilities by month so that I know what to do on a monthly basis. It's truly the only way that I can stay organized. I believe that I have everything updated for when I return on Monday, May 04th. Next week is going to be a son of a bitch, though, because I have a budget meeting right away on Monday, and two sets of financial statements due on Wednesday. Basically that means I have to get them done on Tuesday because I have a Manager's Meeting, Assistant Manager's Meeting, and a training to do on Wednesday, meaning that I won't have time on Wednesday to focus on the financial statements. It's an impossible week, I tell you. Then I have two more financial statements to complete by Friday! It'll be a hell of a stressful time.
Right before posting this entry, I found myself crying a STREAM of tears. They just flowed one right after another down my face. I can't control it anymore. I was crying at about 1 AM as well, I can't get a grip on anything right now, or so it seems. Truthfully, I'm a bloody mess!
I will eventually be okay. For now, I'm sad as can be and hurting like hell. NOTE: Comments are enabled, but will require moderation before being posted, due to the sensitivity of the topics at hand.