Telling Someone That You Know They're Gay

[onlyatest]

Hey everybody. I'm a college student, and I came out in the spring to one of my very good friends. He was curious about that, asking questions and all about how I met other gay guys, all that, and I thought it was just harmless curiosity... until two months later, I found a shirtless picture of him on a gay personals site. There was no face, but it was definitely our dorm room in the background, and his body in the picture. Under sexuality, it was marked "Gay." Now, our friendship has always been based on honesty, though, and so I asked him about it... and he immediately denied it. He asked me why I would even guess that, and so I showed him the profile I found. He initially told me that someone must have stolen the picture from him (which couldn't have happened, because he didn't put it on Facebook or anything), but the next day, the profile was gone and he later told me that he had actually gotten the profile because he was trying to figure out if I was gay or not before I came out (which was also a lie, because the profile was made a couple weeks after I came out to him, and he logged on almost every day for about a month after that, up until the day he shut down the profile). But anyway, I let the issue drop, figuring I shouldn't push outing him if he wasn't ready. In the meantime, I've been talking to a couple guys on that site, and some of them said they talked to him and that he is definitely gay.

But anyway, this was all six months ago, and he's now been acting a little weird. He would never talk about girls before, or anything like that (and hasn't slept with one, at least to my knowledge from living with him for two years) but now he takes it upon himself to point out a hot girl and comment on her ass and boobs and all, and he claims he had sex with a bunch of girls over summer.

I know those are lies, because I know he's gay and, to be honest, I think he probably knows that I know... And while I really do think outing someone is a terrible thing, I'm getting so irritated by all the blatant lying and secrecy from him--especially since, when he asked me if I was gay, I told him the truth, and then he also goes on long speeches about how he doesn't ever lie. My question is, I guess... should I just tell him I know, so we can be done with the lies? Or do I just wait him out, until he's ready to tell me?

 

[screwnutty]

okay. Normally my advice would be to just leave the guy be and let him come out when he's ready to come out.

But, since he's annoying you then you have no choice but to wait until he starts lying again and then just say this....

"Okay (his name) I don't care anymore. I know your gay. Look if you want to keep up this charade and lie to me, your friends and most importantly to yourself then fine. Lie if it makes you feel better. But I done. I dont want to hear this anymore. When your ready to start trusting me and tell me the truth then I will be here to help you."

Leave it at that.

I know others will have better advice so, its best if you wait for them. But beyond what you've been doing now, if he's not ready to come out then your never going to get him to come out. Best to move on.

Good luck and keep us posted

 

[backpacker]

Obviously he has some issues. He may be denying it to himself more than to anyone else. All those comments are probably more for his own denial then they are to mislead you. Think about when you approached him the first time. He knew that you were gay and therefore would be supportive. You had proof that was nearly impossible to deny. Still in the face of all that, he denied it. He must really have some issues.

It's best not to be confrontational with him. Instead I would take more of a supportive approach. Say something like "Do you remember when I first came out and you had all those questions? While I'm always here if you have questions about coming out. I'm here to help you out in any way I can. Could you do me one favor? Stop talking about hot girls and their tits. I would much rather talk about hot guys with you."

He will clearly get the message. If he starts saying that he's straight and stuff, just say "I wish you would trust me" and leave it at that.

Don't be surprised if he denies being gay and continues with the same BS. It may take a little time for it to sink in. You can always add an occasional "you know that you can trust me" when it seems appropriate. You can also start commenting on good looking guys, discussing online profiles, taking him to a gay bar, etc. Maybe if he becomes a little more comfortable with gay stuff, it will be easier for him.

Once he finally comes out, you guys will have a good laugh about this.

 

[treanir]

He definitely knows that you know and it scares him shitless. One of my biggest fears used to be that other gay guys would find out. I was more afraid of that than of straight guys finding out. Straight people don't always talk about your being gay and there are aspects of it they cannot know. But another gay guy does, because he feels the same as you. Recognising your own feelings in another person should make one feel relieved ('I am not alone'), but sometimes it makes your own feelings even more frightening. Your being gay becomes more real.

That said, I think all you can do is let him know you're there for him. Don't come on too strong e.g. by taking him to gay bars against his will. It'll only scare him. He needs to go through this in his own time and all you can do is let him know he's safe with you. You're not going to judge him. Let him know that it's okay to be gay. Basically, be his friend like you've been in the past. Respect his feelings and make sure he knows you're there for him. 'Cause that's all you can do for someone: be there when they need you.

 

[KaraBulut]

This guy is not just lying to you- he's lying to himself.

You've done what you can do- be his friend, be honest with him and let him know that you know.

These things have a way of resolving themselves- he can only live a double life for so long.

My question is, I guess... should I just tell him I know, so we can be done with the lies? Or do I just wait him out, until he's ready to tell me?

Continue what you're doing. Remind him that he can be honest with you. If he says things like "I never lie", you can say something like, "To others or to yourself?".

 

[iamthesean]

just be careful...the majority of homophobes, and gay-bashers are guys that can't accept their own homosexual tendencies...the last thing you need is for him to try and beat his gayness out through you if ya catch my drift

 

[bokan800]

Don't say anything.

Don't talk to him.

 

[onlyatest]

Thanks, you guys. And just to say, I'm not worried about him "beating his gayness" on me, because he's not really a homophobe... and I'm pretty sure I could take him in a fight anyway, lol. I definitely won't be taking him to any gay bars (in the sense that I don't go to them anyway) but I think I might confront him next time he mentions girls when we're alone. I figure if we're around other people and he does it, that's really none of my business. But yeah, I guess I'll just figure it out when the time comes. Thanks again. If anyone has any more advice, more point of views are definitely appreciated.

 

[onlyatest]

And to the post above me (which was posted while I was writing the last one)... Do you mean don't talk to him period? Because he really is one of my very close friends, and I certainly don't want to write him off because I'm annoyed he's in the closet...

 

[Coffee]

And to the post above me (which was posted while I was writing the last one)... Do you mean don't talk to him period? Because he really is one of my very close friends, and I certainly don't want to write him off because I'm annoyed he's in the closet...

Just don't talk about it. He need time to think about himself. Just like he don't wanna mention about it. For example your friend's just be fired from work. Everybody knows, but who wanna mention about it? Leave him a little space for him to take it personally. Very close friend doesn't mean you have to admit everything. If you found it annoyed, gossip about him here haha

 

[screwnutty]

Thanks, you guys. And just to say, I'm not worried about him "beating his gayness" on me, because he's not really a homophobe... and I'm pretty sure I could take him in a fight anyway, lol. I definitely won't be taking him to any gay bars (in the sense that I don't go to them anyway) but I think I might confront him next time he mentions girls when we're alone. I figure if we're around other people and he does it, that's really none of my business. But yeah, I guess I'll just figure it out when the time comes. Thanks again. If anyone has any more advice, more point of views are definitely appreciated.

Hey Onlyatest. Yeah that's what i meant when I said to confront him about it. Wait until he's alone. I mean i know the feeling...theres only so much bullshit you can take before you just tell the other person "Okay....enough is enough"

Good luck and please keep us posted! *hugs*

 

[backpacker]

Thanks, you guys. And just to say, I'm not worried about him "beating his gayness" on me, because he's not really a homophobe... and I'm pretty sure I could take him in a fight anyway, lol. I definitely won't be taking him to any gay bars (in the sense that I don't go to them anyway) but I think I might confront him next time he mentions girls when we're alone. I figure if we're around other people and he does it, that's really none of my business. But yeah, I guess I'll just figure it out when the time comes. Thanks again. If anyone has any more advice, more point of views are definitely appreciated.

I meant to take him to a gay bar if that is something you do. The idea being include him in a gay related stuff you do so that he can be more comfortable. Sort of a "hey do you want to go to X with me". I definitely didn't mean you should take him to one without him knowing what you were doing. I guess it's a mute point as you don't go to gay bars, but it can apply to other activities as well.

I didn't say it may post, but you should only offer your help when it's just the two of you. Obviously doing anything to out him to others would not be cool.

Btw, one reason why I thought it is probably OK to touch on the subject with him is that he previously asked you before you came out. Obviously your friendship is the type that you can talk about stuff like that.

 

[onlyatest]

Yeah I mean... he did ask me if I was gay, and I told him I was (and that was one of my first big coming out steps... the necessary push, I think, in terms of where I am today). So yeah, I guess our friendship is the type where we don't have too many (big) secrets from one another. When we were roommates two years ago (and both "straight") but were having typical roommate problems, we agreed that the only way for our friendship to exist was on honesty... So I guess, in that vein, I should tell him I know. I was with him all night tonight, but not alone, so... I'll see if I can get him alone tomorrow. I'm just confused though... should I ASK him again about being gay, and give him the chance to deny it (if he's still in that phase of coming out) or should I just stand tough and say, "Hey, I know"?

 

[swarley]

Are you sure you want to out him? When I was in the closet, my roommates found stuff on my computer when they were borrowing it but instead they waited for me to come out on my own terms and i'm grateful for that. If they would have tried to force me to come out, it probably just would have sent me further into the closet. Nobody likes to be forced to do something especially something as life changing as this. Try to see this through his eyes. Would you have wanted to be forced out when you were in the closet? What's the big deal anyway? If the things he does bug you then just tell him. And you already told him once that you know it was him on the website so what's the point of telling him again? Why do you feel the need to force him out of the closet anyway? If you know, isn't that good enough?

 

[KaraBulut]

What is missing in all of this is a background on your friend and why he is unable to be honest.

Perhaps he's afraid of damaging his relationship with his family?

Perhaps there are religious issues?

Perhaps he's just not ready to accept the implications?

You won't do any good for him by forcing him to admit something that he's not ready to accept.

Coming out is a process- sometimes a lenghthy, painful process. You have to accept that everyone has their own way and their own timeline in their coming out process. Don't force your agenda and timeline here- you'll only make it more difficult for him.