I've only just joined, but thought I would share where I currently am for anyone to offer insights (sorry about the length---perhaps I should post it as a blog). . .
I grew up in a very conservative, religious family and attended a small Christian university in west Texas followed by a larger Christian university for post-graduate degrees. The views on homosexuality of those around me were, to say the least, not positive. Since I was 12, I've always been more attracted to guys more than girls. While my friends watched the Dukes of Hazzard for scenes with Daisy, I watched it for scenes of Bo (anyone remember John Eric Hexum?). Given my family, background and time (there was no Internet and no forums), I eventually convinced myself I would always be alone. As a result, I've never dated anyone or had any sort of remotely intimate relationship (yes, see age=sad or pathetic, I haven't decided which). Until this summer, I had reached a sort of detante with myself---I would privately explore such feelings, but never openly admit to myself I was gay, never admit it to others or go out to any gay establishments (I think that may be the epitome of repression). Since I was never really interested in girls and constantly found myself noticing guys when I would occasionally go to bars with my male friends, it meant I never did the regular bar scene.
Fast forward to this summer--I went on a landscape/nature photography trip to Iceland. Before arriving in Reykjavik, I stopped off at several European cities, including Stockholm. I enjoy night photography and while shooting Stockholm one evening, I suddenly realized the streets were void of sound but for the sound of my camera's shutter. I suddenly had the feeling of being quite alone and didn't care for it too much. I decided then that I really enjoyed traveling with someone and no longer wanted to live alone--even though some part of me knew what that meant. Reykjavik had their gay pride parade the first weekend I was there. Loads of people came in for it, including some guys at the guesthouse in which I was staying. Two of the guys (30 and 32) have been together for 8.5 years. I asked a few questions regarding what they were doing in town, etc. After three of them left the kitchen, one of the guys stayed behind and visited with me. He asked me a question in a way no one else had--he asked if I was part of "the family" followed by asking if I liked guys more than girls. At other times in my life I would have chuckled, looked away and said no--I didn't this time--I shrugged my shoulders (well, it was better than immediately denying it). He was somewhat surprised and perhaps intrigued by my response and started relaying the story of him and his partner. After about 30 seconds, I decided to actually be honest with someone about who I am because of his seemingly genuine interest and sincerity and told him that yes, I liked guys more than girls, etc. Little did I know the tectonic shift such a conversation and subsequent conversations with all of them and emails with the two would have on me. I no longer want to repress the nature of who I've known I am but am now faced with serious family, friend and church challenges--I am active in my church and all the people with whom I hang out with are from church--on the conservative end of the spectrum--challenges some of which the guys I met are still going through (family acceptance) but initially faced in their early 20s. They told me one of the things that helped them were on-line forums where they were able share experiences with others going through the same thing. Someone in another forum told me about this one so I've visited for a few days and decided to join.
Now I find myself up late at night (this is a good example) wondering where to go/what to do next. I've gone to a local gay bar the last several weeks just looking for guys to hang out with--I thought it would help to actually have some people in town that I know who are gay and with whom I can visit. While I've met some who are very understanding and nice, there are a few who I think see me as a piece of meat. Now, I certainly have nothing against the right guy thinking of me as a piece of meat. . . oooh, I digress. . . but would like input and interaction from others other than five hours on a friday night. I mean no offense to any of those guys just in case they visit here, it's just sorta where I'm at.
I grew up in a very conservative, religious family and attended a small Christian university in west Texas followed by a larger Christian university for post-graduate degrees. The views on homosexuality of those around me were, to say the least, not positive. Since I was 12, I've always been more attracted to guys more than girls. While my friends watched the Dukes of Hazzard for scenes with Daisy, I watched it for scenes of Bo (anyone remember John Eric Hexum?). Given my family, background and time (there was no Internet and no forums), I eventually convinced myself I would always be alone. As a result, I've never dated anyone or had any sort of remotely intimate relationship (yes, see age=sad or pathetic, I haven't decided which). Until this summer, I had reached a sort of detante with myself---I would privately explore such feelings, but never openly admit to myself I was gay, never admit it to others or go out to any gay establishments (I think that may be the epitome of repression). Since I was never really interested in girls and constantly found myself noticing guys when I would occasionally go to bars with my male friends, it meant I never did the regular bar scene.
Fast forward to this summer--I went on a landscape/nature photography trip to Iceland. Before arriving in Reykjavik, I stopped off at several European cities, including Stockholm. I enjoy night photography and while shooting Stockholm one evening, I suddenly realized the streets were void of sound but for the sound of my camera's shutter. I suddenly had the feeling of being quite alone and didn't care for it too much. I decided then that I really enjoyed traveling with someone and no longer wanted to live alone--even though some part of me knew what that meant. Reykjavik had their gay pride parade the first weekend I was there. Loads of people came in for it, including some guys at the guesthouse in which I was staying. Two of the guys (30 and 32) have been together for 8.5 years. I asked a few questions regarding what they were doing in town, etc. After three of them left the kitchen, one of the guys stayed behind and visited with me. He asked me a question in a way no one else had--he asked if I was part of "the family" followed by asking if I liked guys more than girls. At other times in my life I would have chuckled, looked away and said no--I didn't this time--I shrugged my shoulders (well, it was better than immediately denying it). He was somewhat surprised and perhaps intrigued by my response and started relaying the story of him and his partner. After about 30 seconds, I decided to actually be honest with someone about who I am because of his seemingly genuine interest and sincerity and told him that yes, I liked guys more than girls, etc. Little did I know the tectonic shift such a conversation and subsequent conversations with all of them and emails with the two would have on me. I no longer want to repress the nature of who I've known I am but am now faced with serious family, friend and church challenges--I am active in my church and all the people with whom I hang out with are from church--on the conservative end of the spectrum--challenges some of which the guys I met are still going through (family acceptance) but initially faced in their early 20s. They told me one of the things that helped them were on-line forums where they were able share experiences with others going through the same thing. Someone in another forum told me about this one so I've visited for a few days and decided to join.
Now I find myself up late at night (this is a good example) wondering where to go/what to do next. I've gone to a local gay bar the last several weeks just looking for guys to hang out with--I thought it would help to actually have some people in town that I know who are gay and with whom I can visit. While I've met some who are very understanding and nice, there are a few who I think see me as a piece of meat. Now, I certainly have nothing against the right guy thinking of me as a piece of meat. . . oooh, I digress. . . but would like input and interaction from others other than five hours on a friday night. I mean no offense to any of those guys just in case they visit here, it's just sorta where I'm at.
I tend to get lost in streams of consciousness rather than stating things more directly, which is why I think I'm going to blog about some them--it helps me get everything in the open, no pun intended. 
. His homosexuality was such a point of embarrassment for my family that I didn't even know his name or that he even existed until I was 21 or 22--I guess my grandmother thought I was old enough to handle it by then--my great-grandmother (his mother) never even mentioned his name and she was a bit senile during her final years. I think there's only one picture of him kept my anyone in my family and that was because he was pictured in my grandparent's wedding. I have a great amount of fear that the same fate may befall me--after all, I work with and for my brother and my family is quite close-- but on the other hand, I shouldn't let the circle of unknown possibilities keep me from letting people know who I am, from meeting similarly situated guys and from, hopefully one day, meeting a guy with whom I can live out my days [hvk1989 glances around for lightening bolts striking his house. . . hears none so continues]. And then the whole religious thing, but that's for later I think.
oohh, am I getting into too much drama, sorry.
), my mother helps in the nursery and my father helps with the "courtesy" patrol. 
