The Aching Place

[andnowforme]

My partner and I were planning on getting married on March 3rd. We have been together for 4 and 1/2 years. I sat so many lonely nights wondering when I would meet the one and then we met and the time has flown by. He has been my best friend and support through many hard times and I love him for that and am very grateful.

Now I am torn.

I am finishing up my degree and he is retired, and we had recently bought life insurance just in case something happened. No he didn't die, but something has happened that has changed the relationship for me and I feel lost.

We are on a very tight budget since I am not working and we are living off my savings and his pension. He has wanted a new Jeep for sometime now and we had planned on buying one once I had my degree and a new job. He has many great qualities but he is also very selfish and absolutely terrible with money. I manage ALL of our finances.

We had a plan, and he decided to go against the plan and buy a new Jeep now without my knowing and has destroyed my trust and confidence that we can ever have any long term goals. Not only that, he has done this before when it comes to money and lied to my face about it. But, I forgave him and moved on and now he has done this.

I was so angry at him and now I want to pull him close and push him away at the same time. Our finances have not been affected to bad but it's the principle behind our plan that he has betrayed. Betrayed us for his wants.

I haven't officially called off the wedding but I have told him I am not sure anymore of our relationship as I feel we have no trust. When I look at him I just feel sad and feel like the momentum has left our relationship. Floundering. Listless. Un-Tethered.

I could really use some advice or something to help understand my feelings. I am 33 and he is 59 so we are miles apart in age and in life, but we have love. It's been a week like this.

Thanks,

Sam

 

[aaggii]

First of all, the age difference is not a problem, you have no idea how many gay couples are also intergenerational. When I go to gay bars (or I used to go, anyway), I think more than half of the couples there were like yours and also mine. When it comes to marriage, everyone has a different view on it, some think money should be put together from both persons so both persons make decisions on what and how to spend it. Some think that money is personal and each one can do whatever they want with their salary (or pension, or whatever income). You said that buying that car didn´t affect your finances, so what the big deal? It´s something he really wanted, otherwise he wouldn´t have done it. You might be right to a point but try to see it from his side too. A car is not something you buy everyday and you´ll definitely enjoy it too.

The main problem with saying anything is, what you said, that you don´t have an income yet and most probably for your partner is a bit weird to have someone told him what to do with his money. Talk with him and ask him if such a stupid thing like lying about money is worth ruin your relationship over. I´m currently unemployed and my partner is the one bringing all the money in the house at the moment. He pretty much buys everything and he´s always obsessed with spending at least as possible (due to some problems he has in the past). I´m the one pushing him to give himself a treat from time to time.

 

[KaraBulut]

Regardless of gender, age or any other factor in a relationship, when one partner is financially irresponsible, it's going to cause stress in the relationship. There's plenty of heterosexual couples calling into the Suze Orman show with the very same problem- one person has good credit and the other person is a bad credit mess. When you marry someone, you're also marrying their credit history and purchasing patterns. That's something that you should give some thought to.

The irony of the situation is that while he's old enough to be your father, you're being the parent in the relationship by putting emphasis on a purchase that he made without your permission. That's a problem in itself- it's not healthy for either of you.

If you're getting everything that you want out of this relationship but the financial merging of your lives is causing a problem then perhaps you're correct in worrying about the legal merging of your lives. He's older and his bad credit history and impulsive spending patterns are something that you may wish to keep legally separate. That may mean putting off legal marriage and instead doing a commitment ceremony that is not legally binding. That means getting your financials and credit separate (i.e. nothing with an "and" between both of your names). That may mean getting some marital counseling and legal advice before you make it a legal union.

Either way, you will need to let this go. You are not his parent. If you're not legally married and he has his own income, then he can spend it as frivolously as he desires, even if it ends up being a financial disaster. As long as you're not legally married and as long as he's spending his own money (i.e. not spending money from your shared bank account), he's an adult and he's responsible for his own debts. And you should not bail him out- either by paying his debts, by trying to control his finances... or by getting into a legal union that is going end up with his debt, your debt and our debt.

 

[HunterM]

If you love him for EVERYTHING else...except for his spending habit...

Then you each should get your own separate bank accounts. I know quite a few hetero couples who do this when they get married. The husband and the wife have separate accounts. They also have one joint account where each person put an agreed amount in every month to pay for basic bills (mortgage, groceries, electricity, water, garbage, etc.).

Do you think you have control issues in this relationship?

 

[Seasoned]

If you will be legally married in your state you could be 100% liable for his debts. Think about that very seriously. This isn't just about love. Is there a reason why he's not working part time somewhere even though he's retired? Given the age difference, which is no problem in health, are you prepared to provide long term healthcare if needed while, at the same time planning for yours? There is a huge financial issue hanging over your head. You are correct to take pause.

 

[Babar]

Andnowforme: Unfortunately finances are probably the biggest stressor to a relationship. Responsible financial management usually makes the difference between an easier life and misery (always catching up with the bills, if at all; retiring at a later age, taking a vacation, the list goes on.) Also, you need to be saving for YOUR retirement NOW (as he should have done). You seem to have learned that delayed gratification may be a necessity. He has not. He has ignored your agreements and has LIED about it, repeatedly. Selfishness, irresponsibility and not trustworthy. These are absolutely terrible traits in a partner. Seasoned is correct: get married and you will be liable for his debts. Divorce and you will remain responsible for those debts and may be paying him court-ordered support for years. Say goodbye to good credit ratings and lower interest rates. Harsh reality.
Why in the world do you want to share your life with that?
Bluntly: Dump him and move on.

 

[eastofeden]

Finances are often cited as the biggest problem in any relationship and your story is a perfect example of why...

It may be hard for him to change at this point BUT maybe an honest dialogue about it and having him address and understand why it bothered you and understand your concern about moving forward due to his handling of finances might be the best first step.

I hate it when someone doesn't "hear me"...I don't need them to agree with me or even do what I want but in any relationship I need to know that they at least heard me and tried to understand my POV...it is part of any good relationship IMO.

Good Luck! I think you are wise to consider this before you tie the knot...I hope it woks out for you both!

 

[bruce379]

My partner and I were planning on getting married on March 3rd. We have been together for 4 and 1/2 years. I sat so many lonely nights wondering when I would meet the one and then we met and the time has flown by. He has been my best friend and support through many hard times and I love him for that and am very grateful.

Now I am torn.

I am finishing up my degree and he is retired, and we had recently bought life insurance just in case something happened. No he didn't die, but something has happened that has changed the relationship for me and I feel lost.

We are on a very tight budget since I am not working and we are living off my savings and his pension. He has wanted a new Jeep for sometime now and we had planned on buying one once I had my degree and a new job. He has many great qualities but he is also very selfish and absolutely terrible with money. I manage ALL of our finances.

We had a plan, and he decided to go against the plan and buy a new Jeep now without my knowing and has destroyed my trust and confidence that we can ever have any long term goals. Not only that, he has done this before when it comes to money and lied to my face about it. But, I forgave him and moved on and now he has done this.

I was so angry at him and now I want to pull him close and push him away at the same time. Our finances have not been affected to bad but it's the principle behind our plan that he has betrayed. Betrayed us for his wants.

I haven't officially called off the wedding but I have told him I am not sure anymore of our relationship as I feel we have no trust. When I look at him I just feel sad and feel like the momentum has left our relationship. Floundering. Listless. Un-Tethered.

I could really use some advice or something to help understand my feelings. I am 33 and he is 59 so we are miles apart in age and in life, but we have love. It's been a week like this.

Thanks,

Sam

Gay guys want marriage equality. Now you have it.
"...for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health..."
Those are what straight couples sign up for. If you can't swallow that then you should fight AGAINST marriage equality for gay people because gay people can only handle the good side of the equation but are totally incapable of handling the bad side of the equation. Just saying. Stay single and just hook up all the time instead of committing hypocrisy. Commitment is a crutch.

 

[eastofeden]

Gay guys want marriage equality. Now you have it.
"...for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health..."
Those are what straight couples sign up for. If you can't swallow that then you should fight AGAINST marriage equality for gay people because gay people can only handle the good side of the equation but are totally incapable of handling the bad side of the equation. Just saying. Stay single and just hook up all the time instead of committing hypocrisy. Commitment is a crutch.

I don't think that is fair in this case as he is questioning financial compatibility BEFORE making that commitment and this is a common practice for straight couples as well. It is also wise to open that dialogue BEFORE making that commitment...doesn't matter if you are straight or gay.

 

[bruce379]

I can handle discrimination but I can't handle hypocrisy.

 

[sixthson]

Is this another example of the kind of thread where a first time poster asks advice but never comes back to it?

From what you said, you and your partner seem to have very different personalities. You are the type to plan carefully and he wants to live in the moment. I would like to know why he is retired at 59, especially when he still wants "things" and cannot afford them. If he is as selfish as you say, maybe he sees you as someone who is going to support him. If so, this is not good. You will likely come to resent him. I think you are already starting to.
I'm glad you love him, but that may not be enough if he is not willing to listen to you. If you plan to share finances and it sounds as if you already are, he cannot make this kind of big decision without your input. He knows you were against it and went behind your back to get what he wanted. You don't expect this to improve, do you.
As others have said, money is often a #1 issue in a marriage. He cannot make unilateral decisions and you cannot control the purse strings, unless he gives you that control. Even if you had separate accounts all your lives, there will always be an imbalance in the finance department. You are young and starting out and likely to make a good income. He is living on a fixed income. In this sense, age does matter.

I would suggest you postpone the marriage plan for the time being. Good luck, you are going to need it, I think.

 

[palbert]

Is this another example of the kind of thread where a first time poster asks advice but never comes back to it?
....

(He posted today in another thread.)

March 3 is fast approaching and I am wondering if the living circumstance has resolved itself.