The death you did not know of

[NotHardUp1]

At work today, a young colleague shared with his boss that his wife is not yet showing. I heard it an aisle away where I sat. He comes in on Tuesdays and Thursdays, around 6 to 6:30 a.m., so he and I talk more since no one else is in before 8, mostly.

He's a treat for the eyes, but he's straight, and only about 30, but still nice to chat with. His boss is the lady I hosted a baby shower for back in 2018 or so, so we are close till yet.

As I texted her that she would be hosting her own baby shower (for him) soon, she agreed, and asked if I might help. I told her I'd catered a wedding in Albuquerque, so I would be glad to help if she needed me.

That made me wonder how Luis was getting along. He was the widower of the gay couple I had catered the reception for. His partner died in 2015 with liver cancer, only a couple of years after they wed.

When I Googled Luis' full name, I saw a blurb about probate and deceased. At first, I thought it was mentioning him at the time of Tim's death, but it wasn't. It was a probate notice for Luis. He died in 2019. He would have only been about 45. Still, I wasn't certain, as it wasn't an obituary, so I called his synagogue. He had been president of his synagogue when I lived there, so I knew they would know. It is B'nai Israel.

Sure enough, I called and it is true. He committed suicide in March 2019. It is very sad. I have no idea if it was his grief, or if he fell back into addiction, or if he was losing his residency in the U.S., or something else.

Have you had a close friend or family member die but you learned it long after? It is very unsettling.

 

[backagain]

Yes, it was a friend. I hadn't heard from him in awhile and went online to see how his business was doing and I saw of his sudden passing.
It happens in life and it is not pleasant.

 

[cabinfever]

I can't even count the guys I knew that died from AIDS and at the beginning but after awhile I only heard about it months or years later.

Recently I found out one of my friends who survived AIDS committed suicide. I know why I think. We used to drive home together after work in the club and he was devastated that his religious mother and father did not accept him or love him. I tried to talk to him all the time about it but he couldn't get past the rejection.

I suspect that is what eventually contributed to his death.

 

[Vannie]

I found my bosses wife online obituary recently. We had a great relationship both at the restaurant and outside. I remember we chartered a bus for an Atlantic City trip in a snowstorm and had a absolute blast. Lots of wine consumed and lots of laughter.

One of her favorite movies was The Out of Towner's with Jack Lemmon and Sandy Dennis.

More laughs. And thanks for all the wonderful meals at the house. Broccoli di Rabe and sausage and more wine.

RIP Sally Rose

 

[rareboy]

We found out that my partner's uncle had died about 3 years ago while I was doing research for his family tree. No one bothered to write or call to tell him.

 

[Araucaria]

We found out that my partner's uncle had died about 3 years ago while I was doing research for his family tree. No one bothered to write or call to tell him.

I had a similar experience of finding out that my uncle died from outside sources. I was looking at my family tree on ancestry.com and Fold3.com, and his death showed up. I thought surely one of my cousins could have called me or written me a note. Especially since we were in the same city.

 

[KRTP92]

I had a similar thing early this year.

A guy I used to talk to over social media from the age of 15 to about 20. We were both the same age and gay.

He randomly popped into my head so I searched for him on Facebook and found that he had ended his life about 5 years ago.

 

[NotHardUp1]

I'm so sorry to learn of your loss.

I toyed today with calling the synagogue back to ask more about why, but I think I just need to let go and accept.

I'm going to hold onto what we shared, the many, many good times, and accept that we don't get to ask for more. Believe in God or not, but you have to accept the life that has been yours, not the one you wish for.

 

[rareboy]

I always go by the dictum that if someone didn't think it was worth contacting me...I just let the whole thing drop.

The WORST one is that after I mother died, I sent a copy of her program of service and obituary by mail to each one of her first cousins in Holland, using her address book for the addresses.

Of course, somewhere along the way...and unusually for her...she had neglected to tell me that her cousin's husband had died and had not made a notation in her book.

So that was a bit embarrassing....thanks Mom.

 

[NotHardUp1]

Yes, that has bearing and I have thought about that.

But, when I was at my nadir in 2016 and took my overdose, I was reached out to by my brother, and he and I are neither close nor share any psychic link. It was a divine intervention. I have no idea why I was spared my own hand's intent, but I was, and it was a supernatural act. That's not superstition -- it's obvious.

And I would have liked to save Luis, just as all of us who survived a friend's death want to be the savior, but it is of no consequence, just a footnote to a friendship that was.
I hope he is at peace. I will think on him more often now because of this, but I won't reduce him to only a suicide. We shared many good times together. And I cherish my friends whom I met from so many different walks, and countries.