The difficulties of my situation (relationship)

[Qwertykeyboard]

So first let me say that a while ago i posted my feelings, just not in depth and a lot has changed since then; heres the link : http://www.justusboys.com/forum/threads/442577-I-need-some-serious-advice?p=10092058#post10092058

So to begin at the beginning: im an 18 year old guy with a past of psychological problems, signs of depression and social anxiety, mainly because of my confusion with sexuality, at 16 i confronted it and it took a year to somewhat "resolve" those sexual interests, but during the age of 16-17 i was in a very very dark place, and okay sometimes still i go there but i know how to handle it now, and i know i never want to go back to that place.

After accepting who i was sexually, i tried the app grindr, just expecting to experiment to find my attractions, but the first person i met, him being 50, i instantly felt those emotional attachments with him, a rush of excitement anytime i thought about him and when i was with him; time seemed to stop outside of our bubble, we were acting as if we were together when we didnt make it official, he has two children from a past marriage and i knew that it wouldnt be easy if i continued, but admittedly being inexperienced with relationships i ignored the potential anxiety that came with him. Its been only 3 months and the anxiety is strong for multiple reasons;
-my brain overthinks literally everything and iv already thought of every possible outcome of this
- i have self confidence issues with my peers, never truly fitting in, and so i kept this relationship closeted to those who werent close too me, as i felt i wasnt confident for everyone to know, as i know many would not agree with it.
-my parents found out about him a few weeks back and at first were saying that they do not agree with it and would like it to end, but then as time went on they became more adamant about it, until a week ago when my mother said that its her or him. This caused so much anxiety and stress, and of course i was on my mothers side, telling him i cant choose him, but something inside urged me to keep in contact, i believe i love him and i didnt see him for about 4 days, i couldnt sleep because all i wanted was to see him, which he felt the same. I met him today and it was such a relief for me, but as i told my parents it ended i was so anxious they would find out i was with him, my parents are a bit crazy, go through my phone etc. but since i got home (4pm) iv just had anxiety attacks about my parents finding out again, and i guess what im asking is do i stick with him in secret and if they find out, tell them my true feelings, explaining to them i wont end it? If i end it to make my parents happy i know i will be thrown back to those dark times, and i dont want to do that to myself? But this anxiety makes me deny my feelings for him, making me think i have no feelings and i contemplate ending it, but as soon as i get ready to do so my feelings rush back, its a vicious cycle.my mother said that he would leave me as soon as the going got tough, and thats stuck in my head. What if i tell my parents i wont end it and then he ends it because his children put him in the situation/debate im in now? Since seeing me hes told two of his closest friends, both about being gay and seeing me, and i can see the difference its made to him. He suffers with depression and of course if your familiar with depression, it makes relationships more difficult. I just need some advice on what to do, i asked him today about if his children disagreed would he fuck me off, he said no and said that his feelings are strong enough to fight for it. Is the relationship so "wrong" that i must end it and sacrifice my happiness? Some friends of mine dont agree with it but say as long as im happy, then they are. But some who have met him have said that when i speak to him on the phone or i meet them after meeting him, im massively happier and more jolly, and those are the friends who went through the dark time with me, and they think i should stick with it in secret and if my parents find out then tell them how i feel, and if it goes tits up i move out temporarily to live with them until it blows over.

I ask you the reader that in responding, you dont post saying im naiive and being stupid. I may be inexperienced with relationships but just because of my age im not naiive to being used etc, im only 18 but iv been through enough shitty times to last a lifetime and its made me very careful and i analyse everything. For new years all i wanted to do was spend it with him, and because i couldnt it really ruined my night, until i spoke to him on the phone and it was a massive relief.

If you have any questions about it please leave them below and i will reply with the honest answer, i just need some serious advice as to what to do with my parents(to agree to their terms and end it or deny their opinions?)

Is the age gap that bad??! Ugh i dont see it but please enlighten me on why its so bad?? 20 years ago gays were socially unaccepted but look now..thats my thought process with it

Thanks in advance

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

If I were you, I'd move out of my parents house if I hadn't already.

 

[KaraBulut]

Is the age gap that bad??! Ugh i dont see it but please enlighten me on why its so bad?? 20 years ago gays were socially unaccepted but look now..thats my thought process with it

So, to recap:

• You have a history of emotional problems and depression
• You are newly out
• You have never dated
• The first person you met, you started dating
• That person is 32 years older than you
• Your family does not approve
• A lot of your friends do not approve

I ask you the reader that in responding, you dont post saying im naiive and being stupid. I may be inexperienced with relationships but just because of my age im not naiive to being used etc, im only 18 but iv been through enough shitty times to last a lifetime and its made me very careful and i analyse everything.

Reading through the recap, does this relationship sound like it is a good thing?

 

[kallipolis]

No one here can answer your questions with a will to offer a remedy to your dilemma.

What is clear you must decide to move out of your parent's home, and live with your lover, or break with your lover, and remain at home with your parents.

You must decide...one, or the other....and live with your decision.

That you have revealed to us that you are living with high anxiety issues it might be wise to seek professional help that can better equip you to overcome, or better cope with these challenges.

 

[tarallucci]

Hi.

First, no need to be anxious. The age gap will eventually have its drawbacks but no one is entitled to choose who you have to love. I wouldn't have told your parents, especially given their behavior that you mentioned. So, as long as you feel ready and are 100% sure he'll be the man of your life then I would say goodbye to your mother, from what I read she's not a nice person anyway. You are 18, don't know if you are from Europe but find a job if you haven't got one and move out.

The only thing I'm recommending is to be careful, because no matter how amazing the relationship might be but you are young, I am young too, and we have lots of things to learn, plus it's only a couple of months you are seeing each other, right? Keep seeing him without asking permissions and without your parents noticing to know him better.

You really don't need the approval of people, you know where you stand, just kick depression in the ass and live your life happily.

Happy new year to you.

 

[Qwertykeyboard]

I wish it was as easy as that, being at college means i only work weekends and so i would have to rely on my partner to pay, which i am not willing to do (leech off of him)

And my parents would probably kick off about that majorly

 

[Qwertykeyboard]

You may be mis-reading, i was just reiterated the crap that my mother said in response to finding out about him, saying hes using me, pedophilia etc, which is not true at all.

- - - Updated - - -

I would not know where to start seeking help with it :/

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

I wish it was as easy as that, being at college means i only work weekends and so i would have to rely on my partner to pay, which i am not willing to do (leech off of him)

And my parents would probably kick off about that majorly

I wouldn't worry about that. it would be a good occasion to find out how much your love interest really cares about you.

 

[tarallucci]

You're right it's not easy. Finish college while seeing your partner secretly and then take a decision... the only real problem I see here is finding a job.

 

[Qwertykeyboard]

This is going to make you believe why im stressed lol. I never told my parents, they went through my phone and found out about him, literally everything. I was not going to tell them for a long time. Last night i was going to sneak out to see him for a bit, as we were texting about it my dad got up out of bed, went downstairs, unlocked the front door, opened it then locked it again and went back upstairs, as if he knew i was going to meet him, like he hoped to see him outside. I feel like they can somehow read my messages, but my brain overthinks things and i do jump to conclusions sometimes. I just thought that action at 1am? Weird

 

[Qwertykeyboard]

I know for a fact he would let me stay at his. Before they found out i practically did, he makes enough money working to do so but its not in my character to do that to him. I just dont know what to think at all to be honest. Is their such thing as my feelings for him being supressed due to the stress of it all? Its literally like my brain convinces me i have no emotion for him but then it rushes back and its overwhelming. Literally a cycle of that all the time

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

This is going to make you believe why im stressed lol. I never told my parents, they went through my phone and found out about him, literally everything.

Move out of there.

Now.

 

[tarallucci]

Plus:

I know for a fact he would let me stay at his.

I understand you don't want economical help from him but it's your partner and this will change in the future when you will have a full time job. I guess you're just afraid of shutting down with your parents

 

[Qwertykeyboard]

Im definitely scared of shutting down with my parents, the thought of it scares me! Since finding out about him anytime i leave they ring and text me asking where i am and i cant live like that. I feel like im being stalked and i cant do anything without them knowing

I know they are just caring but i feel so shut down i mean i have to keep my mum updated as to where i am and i hate that

 

[tarallucci]

Yes you'll have to draw the line between caring and stalking at some point. For now just set the phone to airplane mode

 

[Qwertykeyboard]

For sure haha. How do i deal with the anxiety i get when im with him, thinking my parents would find out?

 

[tarallucci]

 

[Seasoned]

You're a legal adult but convincing your parents of that is something else again especially given your mental health history. Ideally, some joint therapy with them could sort out boundary issues. You may be in love with your boyfriend or you may have confused sex, kindness, acceptance and closeness with love. That will sort itself out. The important thing is to live a day at a time and to quiet your mind.

Your priority is school. You need to eliminate things that interfer with your ability to study. You can't keep living with fear and expect to do well.

Living without boundaries at home isn't healthy for you or your parents and, ideally, children move out when the house rules are untenable. This is where therapy would come into play--transitioning to an adult to adult relation with your parents.

You are entitled to privacy. You are not doing anything criminal and are not putting your family in danger. They may think they're doing what is right, but they are misguided. You need to be making your own decisions and learning from them. If they won't go to therapy with you and/or if they won't have this conversation with you and if you can't/won't move out, you need to find ways to reduce stress. I'm not an advocate of deceit, but is it time for another phone which you keep private and secure?

 

[KaraBulut]

I know they are just caring but i feel so shut down i mean i have to keep my mum updated as to where i am and i hate that

Because you live at home and are somewhat dependent upon your parents for support (and your education), there are certain rules that you do have to adhere to.

However, if your mother is not respecting boundaries and is constantly checking up on you, then it's something you need to have a talk with her about. Because you are 18, there is a certain amount of privacy that you are entitled to. This is more about the boyfriend and that is something that you are going to have to confront with them. I agree with Seasoned's suggestion about family counseling and individual counseling may be helpful, too.