Oh my, it's been a little bit since I've updated ye ole blog with the latest and greatest coming out news. It's been quite the eventful two weeks---my fortnight of comings out as I like to say. When last I wrote, I intended to come out to my parents a week ago Friday. Sitting at the office with my brother, I decided that Friday was not the best time to tell my parents--they were leaving Saturday morning to go to Houston to watch several of my nephew's hockey games. I figred they would obsess over my news the entire weekend and would not enjoy the hockey games. So, I decided to tell my brother.
After I told him, I sat looking at him with nohing but the sound of the air conditioner filling the empty void of silence. He looks at me and said "oh, okay." More silence as my stress level begins to rise slightly. He then said, "well I don't really know what you want me to say." I replied with the most non-chalant response I could muster--"well, are we still good." He abruptly cut me off and said, "well yeah, I'd still take a bullet for you, you're my brother." Things relaxed quit a bit thereafter. He never really thought about my sexuality so it's not something of which he had a preconceived notion. His biggest issue was the fact that when he told his wife about me, he figured he would receive a hearty "I told you so" from her. You see, she had been telling him for he last 8 or so years (they've been married 10) that she thought I was gay. In fact, before he told me that, he asked if I wouldn't mind him telling me something tha he hoped wouldn't offend me. After he told me, I asked why would it offend me since it's quite true
. All in all a very good experience and my brother was and continues to be supportive.
Tuesday evening brought a dinner with both my preacher and a lesbian who leads a group given sponsorship through my undergraduate university. It was a nice dinner though I'm not certain what my preacher was hoping to accomplish. The group, of course, advocates the single, celibate life of a homosexual individual. Luckily, no one has been brave enough to ask whether I intend to always stay single and celibate. A few have gotten close but the question allowed an answer of I currently certainly am. Why don't I tell them my true intentions when the questions don't warrant such an answer--simple, I'm not yet currently comfortable having the religious discussion with them regarding it. I don't intent to be single and celibate the rest of my life, but have things to work out with myself as far as having such discussions with others. I will answer them completely and honestly if they ask because it's no longer something of which I'm embarrassed or ashamed.
Last Wednesday I spent most of the afternoon visiting with my sister-in-law. It was a wonderful conversation. She wondered whether I had met anyone, whether I was lookng and whether I would mind her asking sme of the people at her work whether they knew of anyone. Ha. She then told me something I never thought I'd hear from a sister-in-law---"always wear protection, whatever you do". Indeed! Very good advice and I'm glad she and I have a good enough relationship and that she is comfortable enough with such notion that she told me to wear protection. It was just a tad odd at 38 to be told that by your sister-in-law. It makes me chuckle even now. I asked her how she wanted me telling my niece, her daughter, who is 26. She said, oh she won't mind--in fact I'll call her now. Ring, ring...we're just sitting here talking and your uncle is gay. I could hear from the other end of the line--oh ok, great--not the sacarstic ok, great but a "it's no big deal" ok; great. I was and continue to be quite relieved that my brother, sister-in-law and niece have absolutely no issues with me being gay and are very supportive in me finding a guy. It's quite comforting.
Wednesday evening I decided to come out to the guy with whom I co-lead my church's av mnistry and his wife (whom I shall call Joe and Jill). We needed to do some work in a room upstairs (gathering things for something last weekend--an activity we call "hunting/gathering"). I told Jill to come up with Joe and me to help us hunt and gather. She looked perplexed but we went upstairs. We sat down and I told them. Once I finished she shook her head in knowing confirmation. She said she had long suspected. I immediately asked her the question I've wondered myself--I said Jill, there have been times when we've been having coffee that I've watched a guy walk by, you turn around to see what I'm looking at, see it's a guy and then have looked back at me with sometimes a most unusual look on your face. Were all those instances in which I was busted. She laughed. . . "yes, and see what a good friend I am having not said anything." lol. When I told Joe and Jill that I've known I was gay since seventh grade, Jill asked what happens in seventh grade that made me know (I was little surprised by this question, but whatever). I said because that's the first time I had seen other guys naked and I found myself being attracted by their looks. She then asked about whether I thought being gay was mental or physiological. I told her I wasn't quite certain what she meant by mental but I know for me it is physiological. Then came the obvious statement---"oh, so looking at guys gets you excited." Yes and looking at girls doesn't. I suppose that's it in sort of a nutshell. At least I didn't have to draw a flowchart
. Jill asked many questions but Joe was silent. This didn't surprise me much because he's generally that way. However, Joe started laughing at some of Jill's more interesting questions which caused Jill to question him about not asking any questions. He said, well if just the two of us came up and he told me he was gay, I would have said "oh, ok, let's go back to hunting/gathering." I told Joe & Jill I was hesitant to tell them the previous week because I was concerned with how they would handle it. . . response from Jill "oh honey darlin', we grew up in the 60s" Once again, however, much like all the church folk I've told, she was very concerned with whether I was seeing someone and whether I was practicing. Anyone seeing a line in the sand as far as church friends go?
My parents were left. The lady I met with on Monday felt I should definitely tell my parents. My preacher is somewhat interesting. He says merely being gay is not a sin but I get the feeling he would prefer me to stay home and live the rest of my life in fear and shame of either being gay or the potential of "practicing." I shall refrain from my comparison to the lack of issues my church seems to have for hetereo guys going to bars, admiring women, flirting and such. If on the hetereo side fornication is the "sin" point and if he says he believes sex is also the crossing line for homosexuals, why the fear. I suppose because a guy could marry one of the women with whom he fornicates and thus gets out of his "fornicating" ways, but, according to my religion, there is no such out for homosexuals. Anyone missing the line yet?
Anyway, I didn't manage to get both my parents at home Friday but saturday afternoon before meeting that evening for my brother's birthday party was the time. I had bought my parents something from Iceland that was shipped to me. I took it to their house as an opportunity to visit with them. After giving them the present, I told them I wanted to let them know why I was unvolunteering. As soon as I finished with the words "I'm gay," I could feel the tension from across the room increase. My father started breathing very heavy and in shallow breathes. My mother got the strangest look on her face. She immediately took on the judgment look and condescending tone she used so often during high school which long ago lost its effect on me and a tone I believe is wholly inappropriate. I knew they would have issues and had steeled myself away to stay calm and keep my voice steady and level. After all, I knew this would be a surprise, I just didn't know how big. My mother's initial response was "Uh, huh. . . you've thought about this a lot." Me- "About being gay, I've know since seventh grade. Working through admitting it to myself, being comfortable with myself and reaching a stable religious perspective based on my current situation in life, for the last three months. It's not been a good three months." My mother then said/asked quite tersely--"So, you like guys more than girls?" Me- "Yes" Mom-"And so that's the choice you're going to make?" Me-"What, that I like guys more than girls?" My mother was obviously agitated by my question "Well, yes." I calmly told her "I don't know any one else's situation, but I can certainly speak of my own and for me there was no 'choice' I made in 7th grade as far as whether I going to choose to find girls attractive or choose to find guys attractive. I just found myself attracted to and stimulated by guys and not by girls. Choice neither has nor had anything to do with it." Or something to that effect. I can't remember in what other order she asked things until she said rather flatly "Well, I guess there's nothing more for me to say or ask." I said in a surprisingly calm voice, "Well, you could tell me you love me since I'm the same son today that you had yesterday" She seemed rather flustered by that comment. I'm not certain what she thought I would say to her statement. She replied with "Of course we do." She may have asked a few more questions before she popped out of her chair to give me a hug. Things were at least improving. She went on to make some comments that really make her social prejudices shine--like "I guess you can't travel with guys anymore" I had a nice, but contrary response. She must think that every guy group trip I went on or trip with a male coworker involved unabashed gay sex. How silly. Three of the five of us are married and the only other guy besides me isn't married and is the one to whom I came out first. I've always thought he's gay, but he didn't choose to come out to me. Who knows, maybe he isn't or hasn't coped with it yet. We wrapped up our conversation and my mother walked with me outside to their garage. We visited some more and I could tell she was beginning to process the information.
That evening at dinner, I arrived after everyone else. As I went to sit down, my father waved, smiled and mouthed hello. I felt better. The next morning at church, my mother still came into the sanctuary for her usual hello and we went to lunch as usual. As we were finishing, my father said "well, I guess I'm going to take a nap this afternoon since I didn't get much sleep last night. . . I wonder why." [he was kidding. . . he has a very dry since humor] I knew if my father could crack a joke about the affects such news is having on him that he is beginning to process the information. He then asked if there was anything I needed from them---in the way of support. Nothing more was said until my mother called me Tuesday.
My mom called Tuesday [she generally calls just to see what's going on periodically throughout the week]. She said they've been pondering and processing what I told them and she would like to visit with me some more because she has questions. I said that's fine, just let me know when. She apologized if their response had not been the response parents should make. I told her I don't really know what the "proper parent response" was but I certainly understood the information came as a shock.
Yesterday aftenoon (Wednesday), my father told me he and my mom had lunch with my pastor. My mother called to tell me the same thing and to let me know they share the same "concerns" that my pastor does--" mainly that when my unvolunteering becomes effective January 1st, that I will have lots of time on my hands and that it's important that I fill my time with "healthy" things. I really don't much care for vagueness in these matters. It would be nice if they could just say what they mean. Ah well.
Last night my mother told me they've made an appointment with the lady that leads the center. Somehow I sense this is the beginning of something that's going to frustrate me because I know they mean well and they have what they consider to be my best interests in mind, perceived by them. But. . .
After I told him, I sat looking at him with nohing but the sound of the air conditioner filling the empty void of silence. He looks at me and said "oh, okay." More silence as my stress level begins to rise slightly. He then said, "well I don't really know what you want me to say." I replied with the most non-chalant response I could muster--"well, are we still good." He abruptly cut me off and said, "well yeah, I'd still take a bullet for you, you're my brother." Things relaxed quit a bit thereafter. He never really thought about my sexuality so it's not something of which he had a preconceived notion. His biggest issue was the fact that when he told his wife about me, he figured he would receive a hearty "I told you so" from her. You see, she had been telling him for he last 8 or so years (they've been married 10) that she thought I was gay. In fact, before he told me that, he asked if I wouldn't mind him telling me something tha he hoped wouldn't offend me. After he told me, I asked why would it offend me since it's quite true
. All in all a very good experience and my brother was and continues to be supportive. Tuesday evening brought a dinner with both my preacher and a lesbian who leads a group given sponsorship through my undergraduate university. It was a nice dinner though I'm not certain what my preacher was hoping to accomplish. The group, of course, advocates the single, celibate life of a homosexual individual. Luckily, no one has been brave enough to ask whether I intend to always stay single and celibate. A few have gotten close but the question allowed an answer of I currently certainly am. Why don't I tell them my true intentions when the questions don't warrant such an answer--simple, I'm not yet currently comfortable having the religious discussion with them regarding it. I don't intent to be single and celibate the rest of my life, but have things to work out with myself as far as having such discussions with others. I will answer them completely and honestly if they ask because it's no longer something of which I'm embarrassed or ashamed.
Last Wednesday I spent most of the afternoon visiting with my sister-in-law. It was a wonderful conversation. She wondered whether I had met anyone, whether I was lookng and whether I would mind her asking sme of the people at her work whether they knew of anyone. Ha. She then told me something I never thought I'd hear from a sister-in-law---"always wear protection, whatever you do". Indeed! Very good advice and I'm glad she and I have a good enough relationship and that she is comfortable enough with such notion that she told me to wear protection. It was just a tad odd at 38 to be told that by your sister-in-law. It makes me chuckle even now. I asked her how she wanted me telling my niece, her daughter, who is 26. She said, oh she won't mind--in fact I'll call her now. Ring, ring...we're just sitting here talking and your uncle is gay. I could hear from the other end of the line--oh ok, great--not the sacarstic ok, great but a "it's no big deal" ok; great. I was and continue to be quite relieved that my brother, sister-in-law and niece have absolutely no issues with me being gay and are very supportive in me finding a guy. It's quite comforting.
Wednesday evening I decided to come out to the guy with whom I co-lead my church's av mnistry and his wife (whom I shall call Joe and Jill). We needed to do some work in a room upstairs (gathering things for something last weekend--an activity we call "hunting/gathering"). I told Jill to come up with Joe and me to help us hunt and gather. She looked perplexed but we went upstairs. We sat down and I told them. Once I finished she shook her head in knowing confirmation. She said she had long suspected. I immediately asked her the question I've wondered myself--I said Jill, there have been times when we've been having coffee that I've watched a guy walk by, you turn around to see what I'm looking at, see it's a guy and then have looked back at me with sometimes a most unusual look on your face. Were all those instances in which I was busted. She laughed. . . "yes, and see what a good friend I am having not said anything." lol. When I told Joe and Jill that I've known I was gay since seventh grade, Jill asked what happens in seventh grade that made me know (I was little surprised by this question, but whatever). I said because that's the first time I had seen other guys naked and I found myself being attracted by their looks. She then asked about whether I thought being gay was mental or physiological. I told her I wasn't quite certain what she meant by mental but I know for me it is physiological. Then came the obvious statement---"oh, so looking at guys gets you excited." Yes and looking at girls doesn't. I suppose that's it in sort of a nutshell. At least I didn't have to draw a flowchart
. Jill asked many questions but Joe was silent. This didn't surprise me much because he's generally that way. However, Joe started laughing at some of Jill's more interesting questions which caused Jill to question him about not asking any questions. He said, well if just the two of us came up and he told me he was gay, I would have said "oh, ok, let's go back to hunting/gathering." I told Joe & Jill I was hesitant to tell them the previous week because I was concerned with how they would handle it. . . response from Jill "oh honey darlin', we grew up in the 60s" Once again, however, much like all the church folk I've told, she was very concerned with whether I was seeing someone and whether I was practicing. Anyone seeing a line in the sand as far as church friends go?My parents were left. The lady I met with on Monday felt I should definitely tell my parents. My preacher is somewhat interesting. He says merely being gay is not a sin but I get the feeling he would prefer me to stay home and live the rest of my life in fear and shame of either being gay or the potential of "practicing." I shall refrain from my comparison to the lack of issues my church seems to have for hetereo guys going to bars, admiring women, flirting and such. If on the hetereo side fornication is the "sin" point and if he says he believes sex is also the crossing line for homosexuals, why the fear. I suppose because a guy could marry one of the women with whom he fornicates and thus gets out of his "fornicating" ways, but, according to my religion, there is no such out for homosexuals. Anyone missing the line yet?
Anyway, I didn't manage to get both my parents at home Friday but saturday afternoon before meeting that evening for my brother's birthday party was the time. I had bought my parents something from Iceland that was shipped to me. I took it to their house as an opportunity to visit with them. After giving them the present, I told them I wanted to let them know why I was unvolunteering. As soon as I finished with the words "I'm gay," I could feel the tension from across the room increase. My father started breathing very heavy and in shallow breathes. My mother got the strangest look on her face. She immediately took on the judgment look and condescending tone she used so often during high school which long ago lost its effect on me and a tone I believe is wholly inappropriate. I knew they would have issues and had steeled myself away to stay calm and keep my voice steady and level. After all, I knew this would be a surprise, I just didn't know how big. My mother's initial response was "Uh, huh. . . you've thought about this a lot." Me- "About being gay, I've know since seventh grade. Working through admitting it to myself, being comfortable with myself and reaching a stable religious perspective based on my current situation in life, for the last three months. It's not been a good three months." My mother then said/asked quite tersely--"So, you like guys more than girls?" Me- "Yes" Mom-"And so that's the choice you're going to make?" Me-"What, that I like guys more than girls?" My mother was obviously agitated by my question "Well, yes." I calmly told her "I don't know any one else's situation, but I can certainly speak of my own and for me there was no 'choice' I made in 7th grade as far as whether I going to choose to find girls attractive or choose to find guys attractive. I just found myself attracted to and stimulated by guys and not by girls. Choice neither has nor had anything to do with it." Or something to that effect. I can't remember in what other order she asked things until she said rather flatly "Well, I guess there's nothing more for me to say or ask." I said in a surprisingly calm voice, "Well, you could tell me you love me since I'm the same son today that you had yesterday" She seemed rather flustered by that comment. I'm not certain what she thought I would say to her statement. She replied with "Of course we do." She may have asked a few more questions before she popped out of her chair to give me a hug. Things were at least improving. She went on to make some comments that really make her social prejudices shine--like "I guess you can't travel with guys anymore" I had a nice, but contrary response. She must think that every guy group trip I went on or trip with a male coworker involved unabashed gay sex. How silly. Three of the five of us are married and the only other guy besides me isn't married and is the one to whom I came out first. I've always thought he's gay, but he didn't choose to come out to me. Who knows, maybe he isn't or hasn't coped with it yet. We wrapped up our conversation and my mother walked with me outside to their garage. We visited some more and I could tell she was beginning to process the information.
That evening at dinner, I arrived after everyone else. As I went to sit down, my father waved, smiled and mouthed hello. I felt better. The next morning at church, my mother still came into the sanctuary for her usual hello and we went to lunch as usual. As we were finishing, my father said "well, I guess I'm going to take a nap this afternoon since I didn't get much sleep last night. . . I wonder why." [he was kidding. . . he has a very dry since humor] I knew if my father could crack a joke about the affects such news is having on him that he is beginning to process the information. He then asked if there was anything I needed from them---in the way of support. Nothing more was said until my mother called me Tuesday.
My mom called Tuesday [she generally calls just to see what's going on periodically throughout the week]. She said they've been pondering and processing what I told them and she would like to visit with me some more because she has questions. I said that's fine, just let me know when. She apologized if their response had not been the response parents should make. I told her I don't really know what the "proper parent response" was but I certainly understood the information came as a shock.
Yesterday aftenoon (Wednesday), my father told me he and my mom had lunch with my pastor. My mother called to tell me the same thing and to let me know they share the same "concerns" that my pastor does--" mainly that when my unvolunteering becomes effective January 1st, that I will have lots of time on my hands and that it's important that I fill my time with "healthy" things. I really don't much care for vagueness in these matters. It would be nice if they could just say what they mean. Ah well.
Last night my mother told me they've made an appointment with the lady that leads the center. Somehow I sense this is the beginning of something that's going to frustrate me because I know they mean well and they have what they consider to be my best interests in mind, perceived by them. But. . .