The honeymoon's over!

[MMMonsterBoy]

Oh my god. What to do?

I've known my boyfriend for three years. In those three years we've broken up, got back together, argued, laughed, and all that typical jazz (I guess). Neither of us is perfect and I've never thought so. Usually when we hang out or talk I feel like I'm cloud nine. Everything's great, he's great, we're great! Despite all that I know about him and all the times he has genuinely pissed me off (who hasn't?!).

Then something happened earlier this week up to today. A buzz kill. We spent three days together, less than the time spent when we first told each other we loved one another, and yet I feel somewhat different about him. I wanted to tell him "I just don't feel a spark," but I am not really sure if that's true. What I do know is that his flaws, for whatever reasons, just became increasingly bothersome to me. His lack of ability to be attentive. His lack of ability to go over a plan of action with me. How loud he can be sometimes. And so.much.more. I started to wonder long term (it's in my nature) and became more doubtful than ever. I mean I made sure I had all my belongings just in case....

But he's always been that way. And I always got that googly eyed face that makes me stutter around him. So I've reached the conclusion I must have left that honeymoon phase everyone talks about. Despite this, I'd like for this to work for as long as we can try. Ultimately, he's the guy I want to introduce to the family (if they weren't homophobic and whatnot) and I wouldn't mind at all if he wanted to hang right now.

What does one do now? I don't want to say "Hey, you really annoyed me. Please fix yourself so we can be together." It isn't that I want him to change his identity or have unrealistic expectations. Should I push a secret agenda more along the lines of "hey, let's go on the date you said we were going to go on months ago?" I'm eager to change my own approach as well, as it clearly isn't working

I just want to know what some of you have done, or would do

 

[Seasoned]

It's best to talk about issues big and small. After the honeymoon realism sets in but if affection remains couples survive because the spark returns from time to time as you have already attested to. Have the talk in the hopes the same has happened with him. If not, he may be disappointed but, hopefully, understanding.

 

[aaggii]

Well, you need to tell him what you said here. Simple as that.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

So the infatuational lust is wearing off and you're noticing him for who he really is without looking around your Hard on. You have the common problem most guys have of not knowing the differences between lust and love. Relationships are a lot of work, communication, compromises, and more than just basking in the after glow of great sex.

I think if you LOVE him, and want an adult relationship you should stick it out, communicate, and have some acceptance for whom he is as a person and love his flaws too. Every guy you find is going to have something annoying about him once the sex gets old.

Real life isn't a Disney princess romance. He sounds like a good guy, for the most part. Appreciate what you DO have instead of bemoaning what you don't, and try to look at him for what he IS and not for what he's not.

 

[racer2438]

You have to learn to communicate better..both of you. A LTR requires 3 things first and foremost(my thoughts only)
1. Trust
2. communication
3. Love

the rest fall in place as you grow together. You must be able to talk about anything ...and I mean anything at anytime. And work out any issues.

I have been with my honey for 28yrs-10months going on 29yrs. And we did not get here by not talking things out. we as talk about issues that bother us be it personal, relationship wise, work, anything. we don't hide anything from each other. A LTR is a lot of work, and if we don't agree on things then we at least meet 1/2 way. But never to we push a issue onto one another and say this is whats it's going to be, take it or leave it.That will never happen(with us)

learn to have a good sit down, calm discussions with each other and be HONEST

 

[bankside]

We're usually attracted to the things we find incredibly awesome about someone. When you meet someone, you might think "hey wow this guy is handsome, he makes me laugh, I like his energy, we have fun together…"

The mind can take all those awesome things and through the magic of dopamine, it rounds up to "This guy is literally perfection. I have found my perfect, ideal match. No other two people could possibly have what we have."

Then something annoying happens, and there is a big argument and eventually you see eye to eye because "This guy is literally perfection. No other two people could possibly solve an argument like we did. He is my perfect, ideal match" and life is as it was before.

Then the annoying things keep happening…

...and your brain is less inclined to send out a flood of dopamine and look the other way. Doubt creeps in. "Could it be that he is not my perfect match? OMG! He's just some kind of jackass masquerading as my ideal guy! I can't believe he pulled it off for so long! I've been blind! Blind to the fact that he's an idiot and we're totally wrong for each other!"

Then, hopefully, reality kicks in.

He's only human. He will alway fall short of the ideal version of him that any of us can imagine when we look for the best in each other. You will always do some things better than him. From today until the day you die, you will always be a better judge of your own voice in a room full of people than he will. You will always get to that point of showing him affection an hour before, a day before, however long before his own instinct sets in and he seeks you out for a hug. And he'll always drive you nuts planning something.

That's because those are all things you're better at.

But that's what you bring to the relationship, what you put on the table. It's the same issue with any two people. So before you make any decisions, remember that the things he's not very good at, you are better at, by definition. Probably he could say the same. As an exercise in humility, try to think of the things where you might drive him nuts.

After all that, why not just complement each other's strengths?

 

[TX-Beau]

Bankside's post was so sweet I'm not even going to tell him to abandon the Queen.

 

[cluelessdate]

racer and bankside have pointed out what you NEED to do. I'm gonna chime in a little bit about the sudden death of attraction.

You mentioned that he pissed you off many times in the past. Were they serious issues? Did you take any actions to resolve them? Or did you just let them pass, believing that your grudge and anger will eventually fade away with time?

If the answer is "no", then obviously that's the key problem here. The problem is that we humans don't forget easily, and we hold anger and grudge better than any other creature. I've seen people insisting that they can let the anger and bitterness away, but eventually they'll vent in some day one way or another. And sadly, it's never our attention to let those wound swell, but it's our unconsciousness that's in action here. You might think you shouldn't let him know your anger because it might hurt him or drive him away from you, but slowly your holding back is gonna eat into your feeling for him, until one day you realize your feelings are gone, without a trace. This is not my realization at all - I read it from "Mistake were made (but not by me)", and it holds true in so many social situations.

So back to the solution. It is apparent that you two lack communication. But communication is not about venting out your problems: remember that there are two sides of a story. You have to ask yourself the question: do you still have feelings for him? can this relationship be saved? It is difficult because your judgement might be under the influence of unconscious thoughts such as: "I've invested so much in this relationship so I don't want to let go", "I'm not someone who give up so easily". But what matters is that if you really want to work on it, you start talking. Now comes the most challenging part: discussing your problems without imposing your views on your partner. There are problems caused by misunderstanding from both sides, and people tend to think in the way as "you're wrong I'm right, I'm THE ONE who got hurt, you're THE ONE who hurt me" and so on. You need to overcome the urge to "be right" and just talk and listen and lay out your issues. It's often easier to have a third party to mediate your discussion (and prevent the urge to justify to slip in the conversation) such as a therapist, but you can totally do it between you two. The goal is not to vent out your anger and hurt, but to address them from both sides. After all, the problems come from two sides.

But sometimes things don't work out. Then at least the parting won't be in bitterness.

 

[MMMonsterBoy]

Thanks everyone, I appreciate it. The replies are all wonderful.

The thing is, some people don't know how to pick their battles and fight over everything. Some people don't pick their battles at all. I mostly do the latter. Am I supposed to tell him everything that bothers me? Because after I cooled down, I realized the creepy implications I would imply to him. For instance, what prompted me to go home early was when he said "Well, I only want to go to such place if [insert friend's name] is going to. Even though I felt the same, what I basically heard was "I can't have fun with just you. You're boring." If I tell him this it will sound like "You can only have fun with me and it must be the most fun ever!" That's not what I want at all.

He's very good at communicating what he wants, but I'm much like the scenario cluelessdate described. I just don't want to look like

 

[Ninja108]

It's going to be tough but you have to do it. My relationship hasn't always been roses either but the key thing that has always helped is communication.
Without that,you have nothing.