Okay, so the only reason that I’m writing this here is because the only person I can tell this story to, is thousands of kilometres away (which I guess also translates into thousands of miles, for all your non-metric system people), and I’ll only be able to see her just before Christmas. The other people who are my closest friends are the very same people who I can never tell this story to but, I just have to tell someone, and maybe get some advice. Anyway, I guess the crux of the story is I’m in love, but I’m in love with the wrong person, the one person who I should never have fallen in love with. I know that as people read this story, it’ll seem so ridiculous. It’s disgusting just how high-school-drama-esque/OC/Greys Anatomy this all is, even though we’re all in our twenties, but I can’t help it. Every time I think I’m growing up, I realise that I’m not. So please bear with me as I bare my soul and sordid life to a whole lot of random people I don’t know, you.
So who is this person? It’s my best friend. One of my best friends I should rather say. I have a really tight knit group of three friends. He, whom I’m so sadly in love with actually had a thing with one of the girls in this group. There little thing never became a full on relationship although she did confide to me that she was really into him, maybe even fell in love with him (though she never said that she loved him to me, but it was said in not so many words). Anyway, for the longest time, this entire year, in the back of my mind, I just denied any thoughts that in any way were trying to tell that I was either (a) falling in love, or (b) in love already. That all went well until one night, while I was lying in bed, I remembered a rather drunken conversation that I had with him. For some reason, (although it never happened) I had this fear that I’d declared my undying love to him. It all just came rushing into my mind. I couldn’t deny it anymore; I knew I was in love, and that I just couldn’t ignore it anymore.
Well this would be a pretty clichéd story up to this point, gay guy falls for straight best friend, but there is one little complication. He’s not straight. Now of course this is all part of that clichéd part of the story. The gay guy is certain, has convinced himself that the friend is also gay, but there have been so many times when there were not only signs, but when he did things that led to not only me, but our other two best friends, the girls stating with a certainty that he is gay, and if not gay, then at least bisexual. Of course this is all messed up by the fact that he had a thing with one of the two girls, who just may be in love with him. Anyway, there’s not only that, there’s also the fact that the day that I came out to him, another alcohol sodden evening (we’re in college okay) he did say, after castigating me for taking so long to come out to him, “I sometimes have tendencies myself.” For the longest time we ignored that statement (we being me and one of the girls who was there that night) which happened way early this year, sometime in June/July until a couple of weeks ago when he yet again did something with some guy in front of us, a mere few weeks after having almost slept, well actually practically did sleep with the girl in the group who’s into him.
Anyway, after that incident, me and the two girls in the group converged a small meeting where we all laid our chips out on the table and just told the truth. For the longest time, after having decided that he was gay or bi we just pretended that nothing had happened, that we had never come to this decision, we not only helped him keep up his lie, we lied to each other. Anyway, that night, the friend who’d also heard his ‘coming out’ statement and I finally spoke about it for the first time since it had happened.
Anyway, that’s not the problem I face now, it’s that he’s fallen for another girl, another friend of ours but not in the core of the group. We’d been joking about the two of them for months now, because everyone could see what was coming round the bend but finally last week, in yet another alcohol related conversation he told us he liked her. I’d always joked with him that he was into her, but it never truly sank in, I think I always viewed it as this funny little thing, especially since we (him and I) always had these moments when things seemed to get intense between us. I always told myself that I’d never do anything with him, because of (a) I have a firm belief that relationships between friends, especially close friends always lead to disaster and (b) because one of my closest friends was into him possibly loved him and had chosen to tell me that and nobody else; I just couldn’t betray her like that. But despite that, in the last few weeks, things had been getting kinda intense between us, at least that’s what I thought. Things even raised a few eyebrows amongst our friends, concerning the nature of our relationship, concerns that we’d put to bed a million years ago (yes that’s the other thing, people whenever they meet the two of us, think that we’re a couple, that’s how close we are, and it’s something that I (& it’s always me because I’m the openly gay one and people are more comfortable asking me) always have to deny all the time).
Anyway, after a party a week or so ago, I had to take care of him because he was so drunk, anyway, he kept on coming onto me, (at least that’s what I thought, but now I just don’t know) and then the friend who’s into him said something that made my blood run cold. She said, “(his name) if you want to get with (my name), you should.” (‘Get with’ for us means have sex). Now I’m not saying that was definitely what she said, but what I can most definitively state is that, she said something to him about him and me getting together. After the last couple of weeks, my resolve, not to do anything with him, had slowly but surely been crumbling. That night, when I was looking after him, while we were playing, I knew in my mind that if that he tried anything with me, I wouldn’t stop him, but this was before what my friend said. So last week, when he just told us about how he was into this girl for real, it totally came out of the blue for me.
In my mind, it seemed as though we were on a road that was inevitably leading to us getting together. SO when he said he liked this girl, I didn’t even react, when I say that, I mean I didn’t even react internally, I’m not surprised, shocked or disappointed at the fact that I didn’t scream out in pain, or burst into tears or something. Rather, the cause of my consternation stems from the fact that, there was nothing, not even inside of me. It seems as though, the second I heard the information, I immediately bottled up the information and any emotions that may’ve went with it, and then I put it on a shelf in my mind labelled “Deal With Later.” It worries me that I could be so detached to something so, I don’t know, monumental, I guess. Things got worse though, he asked me, no he didn’t ask, he told me that he couldn’t do it without me. He said that I had to help him write the text message to this girl that he liked, telling her this, which I did. I was just so numb throughout this entire thing.
Anyway, the next morning I found something else that made things even worse. I found a notebook of mine, that had a diary entry, that I’d written because I didn’t have my diary on me at the time. And I know he’d pulled out the notebook, because for some reason he’d been going through my closet. It’s only been to my diary and my friend who a thousand kilometres away that I’ve been honest about this whole mess. Just about this entire years diary entries after the night when I admitted the truth to myself, have been about him. I’m still yet too scared to look at what that diary entry was all about, maybe it was about something totally innocuous but if you could see my diary you’d know that the likelihood of that is really unlikely. Here’s a little statistic for you, the names of my three best friends should show up more or less equally in my diary (it’s a computer document) but if you do a count of it in the last two months, the two girls’ names come up 38 and 57 times respectively, however his name, shows up 124 times. That I think goes to show how unlikely it is that in an entire diary entry I didn’t make mention of the fact that I’m in love with him, and now chances are he’s seen that.
So all in all, where does that leave me? I know that I have to fall out of love with him, that I can’t keep on agonising like this over someone who seemingly is not interested in me, or is only interested in me when he’s drunk. I’ve only given you very few incidences of these moments but they are quite numerous. I also have to fall out of love with him, because truth is, he hurts me. He does these things with these other guys which has on occasions left me in tears and then comes to me, with the bullshit lie the morning after, tells me this crap, knowing full well that I’ll go out there and clean up his mess for him, lie to our best friends for him, urge them to leave him alone, that he’ll come out in his own good time, that we can’t confront him with everything he’s done and said to us all those ‘nights before the mornings after.’
He knows and isn’t shy to do in front of everyone, that he can get me to do whatever he wants, that I’ll do his bidding, his mother has even commented on that, and when I say ‘do his bidding, it can be something as innocuous as, “peel the potatoes,” to something as extreme as let’s play a little too suggestively for mere friends one moment to “help me write a message declaring my feelings to someone else, despite the fact that I’d have to be a fool to not know that at the very least you have feelings for me.” It in a sense is turning into a toxic relationship.
But despite all this, I don’t want to lose his friendship, but how do I maintain a friendship with someone while I also try to pull away from them? How can I do these two things at the same time? Can you even actively make yourself fall out of love with someone, even though you know that with each passing day, it’s becoming harder and more painful for you to be around them, while at the same time, when you see them unexpectedly coming through your door, it seems as though every problem in the world is gone, that, that just hanging out, makes your day? I don’t know what to do. I don’t really need people to give me some intense advice, but all I want is some acknowledgement that out there in this world someone has read this and knows the pain I find myself in. Please.
So who is this person? It’s my best friend. One of my best friends I should rather say. I have a really tight knit group of three friends. He, whom I’m so sadly in love with actually had a thing with one of the girls in this group. There little thing never became a full on relationship although she did confide to me that she was really into him, maybe even fell in love with him (though she never said that she loved him to me, but it was said in not so many words). Anyway, for the longest time, this entire year, in the back of my mind, I just denied any thoughts that in any way were trying to tell that I was either (a) falling in love, or (b) in love already. That all went well until one night, while I was lying in bed, I remembered a rather drunken conversation that I had with him. For some reason, (although it never happened) I had this fear that I’d declared my undying love to him. It all just came rushing into my mind. I couldn’t deny it anymore; I knew I was in love, and that I just couldn’t ignore it anymore.
Well this would be a pretty clichéd story up to this point, gay guy falls for straight best friend, but there is one little complication. He’s not straight. Now of course this is all part of that clichéd part of the story. The gay guy is certain, has convinced himself that the friend is also gay, but there have been so many times when there were not only signs, but when he did things that led to not only me, but our other two best friends, the girls stating with a certainty that he is gay, and if not gay, then at least bisexual. Of course this is all messed up by the fact that he had a thing with one of the two girls, who just may be in love with him. Anyway, there’s not only that, there’s also the fact that the day that I came out to him, another alcohol sodden evening (we’re in college okay) he did say, after castigating me for taking so long to come out to him, “I sometimes have tendencies myself.” For the longest time we ignored that statement (we being me and one of the girls who was there that night) which happened way early this year, sometime in June/July until a couple of weeks ago when he yet again did something with some guy in front of us, a mere few weeks after having almost slept, well actually practically did sleep with the girl in the group who’s into him.
Anyway, after that incident, me and the two girls in the group converged a small meeting where we all laid our chips out on the table and just told the truth. For the longest time, after having decided that he was gay or bi we just pretended that nothing had happened, that we had never come to this decision, we not only helped him keep up his lie, we lied to each other. Anyway, that night, the friend who’d also heard his ‘coming out’ statement and I finally spoke about it for the first time since it had happened.
Anyway, that’s not the problem I face now, it’s that he’s fallen for another girl, another friend of ours but not in the core of the group. We’d been joking about the two of them for months now, because everyone could see what was coming round the bend but finally last week, in yet another alcohol related conversation he told us he liked her. I’d always joked with him that he was into her, but it never truly sank in, I think I always viewed it as this funny little thing, especially since we (him and I) always had these moments when things seemed to get intense between us. I always told myself that I’d never do anything with him, because of (a) I have a firm belief that relationships between friends, especially close friends always lead to disaster and (b) because one of my closest friends was into him possibly loved him and had chosen to tell me that and nobody else; I just couldn’t betray her like that. But despite that, in the last few weeks, things had been getting kinda intense between us, at least that’s what I thought. Things even raised a few eyebrows amongst our friends, concerning the nature of our relationship, concerns that we’d put to bed a million years ago (yes that’s the other thing, people whenever they meet the two of us, think that we’re a couple, that’s how close we are, and it’s something that I (& it’s always me because I’m the openly gay one and people are more comfortable asking me) always have to deny all the time).
Anyway, after a party a week or so ago, I had to take care of him because he was so drunk, anyway, he kept on coming onto me, (at least that’s what I thought, but now I just don’t know) and then the friend who’s into him said something that made my blood run cold. She said, “(his name) if you want to get with (my name), you should.” (‘Get with’ for us means have sex). Now I’m not saying that was definitely what she said, but what I can most definitively state is that, she said something to him about him and me getting together. After the last couple of weeks, my resolve, not to do anything with him, had slowly but surely been crumbling. That night, when I was looking after him, while we were playing, I knew in my mind that if that he tried anything with me, I wouldn’t stop him, but this was before what my friend said. So last week, when he just told us about how he was into this girl for real, it totally came out of the blue for me.
In my mind, it seemed as though we were on a road that was inevitably leading to us getting together. SO when he said he liked this girl, I didn’t even react, when I say that, I mean I didn’t even react internally, I’m not surprised, shocked or disappointed at the fact that I didn’t scream out in pain, or burst into tears or something. Rather, the cause of my consternation stems from the fact that, there was nothing, not even inside of me. It seems as though, the second I heard the information, I immediately bottled up the information and any emotions that may’ve went with it, and then I put it on a shelf in my mind labelled “Deal With Later.” It worries me that I could be so detached to something so, I don’t know, monumental, I guess. Things got worse though, he asked me, no he didn’t ask, he told me that he couldn’t do it without me. He said that I had to help him write the text message to this girl that he liked, telling her this, which I did. I was just so numb throughout this entire thing.
Anyway, the next morning I found something else that made things even worse. I found a notebook of mine, that had a diary entry, that I’d written because I didn’t have my diary on me at the time. And I know he’d pulled out the notebook, because for some reason he’d been going through my closet. It’s only been to my diary and my friend who a thousand kilometres away that I’ve been honest about this whole mess. Just about this entire years diary entries after the night when I admitted the truth to myself, have been about him. I’m still yet too scared to look at what that diary entry was all about, maybe it was about something totally innocuous but if you could see my diary you’d know that the likelihood of that is really unlikely. Here’s a little statistic for you, the names of my three best friends should show up more or less equally in my diary (it’s a computer document) but if you do a count of it in the last two months, the two girls’ names come up 38 and 57 times respectively, however his name, shows up 124 times. That I think goes to show how unlikely it is that in an entire diary entry I didn’t make mention of the fact that I’m in love with him, and now chances are he’s seen that.
So all in all, where does that leave me? I know that I have to fall out of love with him, that I can’t keep on agonising like this over someone who seemingly is not interested in me, or is only interested in me when he’s drunk. I’ve only given you very few incidences of these moments but they are quite numerous. I also have to fall out of love with him, because truth is, he hurts me. He does these things with these other guys which has on occasions left me in tears and then comes to me, with the bullshit lie the morning after, tells me this crap, knowing full well that I’ll go out there and clean up his mess for him, lie to our best friends for him, urge them to leave him alone, that he’ll come out in his own good time, that we can’t confront him with everything he’s done and said to us all those ‘nights before the mornings after.’
He knows and isn’t shy to do in front of everyone, that he can get me to do whatever he wants, that I’ll do his bidding, his mother has even commented on that, and when I say ‘do his bidding, it can be something as innocuous as, “peel the potatoes,” to something as extreme as let’s play a little too suggestively for mere friends one moment to “help me write a message declaring my feelings to someone else, despite the fact that I’d have to be a fool to not know that at the very least you have feelings for me.” It in a sense is turning into a toxic relationship.
But despite all this, I don’t want to lose his friendship, but how do I maintain a friendship with someone while I also try to pull away from them? How can I do these two things at the same time? Can you even actively make yourself fall out of love with someone, even though you know that with each passing day, it’s becoming harder and more painful for you to be around them, while at the same time, when you see them unexpectedly coming through your door, it seems as though every problem in the world is gone, that, that just hanging out, makes your day? I don’t know what to do. I don’t really need people to give me some intense advice, but all I want is some acknowledgement that out there in this world someone has read this and knows the pain I find myself in. Please.
I'll try and see how it goes... 
