The insane, irrational ramblings of a first-time dater:

[CapeAndCowl]

Dear current object of my involuntary obsession,

Hi. This is J. The real one. You haven't met me yet. The guy masquerading around as me is an outright, inadequate fraud. He's convinced that he is the one you want to be dating and I truly apologize for his despicable, not even remotely charming behavior. Sure, he's moderately funny, slightly more intelligent than average, and relatively accessible in conversation, but I'm pretty sure this is drowned out by his overall awkward, clammy demeanor, slightly-too-vindictive wit, and juvenile perspective of life. Yea, that was him who sounded near suicidal on your voice-mail. Who knew you could communicate "I'm clearly about to fucking kill myself with a pair of scissors" through a simple "Hey, it's J. I'm just calling to see what you schedule looks like for next week"?? Well, that was not my intention. I really wanted to sound more like "Hey! I'm really looking forward to seeing a movie with you next week, gimme a call back when you get this. Can't wait to talk to you!" But, alas, I have no direct control over this bizarro-J-marionette with a mind all his own.

This probably all sounds way too hyperbolic, but let me assure you.... it is. And while I believe this is one-hundred-percent true, I think I'm probably making the whole situation out to be way too complicated. That said, I haven't ever really done this before. The whole dating process is very new, and clearly from my aberrant behavior, you'd think I haven't had a single boyfriend in my entire life, better yet a single crush on another human being. What I'm trying to say is, please, if you think this isn't going anywhere because I seem fucking crazy, lame, or immature- cut me a break. I promise you won't be disappointed. When I finally realize you're just another (albeit rather smart, good-looking, Jewish) human being, I'll finally relax and you'll meet me for the first time. When you do, you might just feel ever so slightly wrought with inconsolable anxiety as well. But don't worry, I'll finally have a level head, and I'll talk you down. After all, I'm just another (albeit rather smart, good-looking, Gentile-looking for- Jewish) human being.

Until then, thanks for being patient with this neurotic J wanna-be.

-J

 

[TX-Beau]

So....

You are into this guy and are a basket case around him?

I'm not quite sure if that is all hypothetical or you are actually having a problem with a specific guy as opposed to a general problem with all guys.

 

[CapeAndCowl]

Just one guy. It's been since high school since I've gone out with anyone. I'm absolutely content being single, but always open to opportunity. Well, an opportunity arose and I'm, as you put it, a total basket case. No matter how much self-reassuring I do, no matter how many healthy barriers I attempt to place, I can't help but to think about him all the time. It's completely ridiculous and extremely inconvenient. I've got finals to study for!

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, for me if burying my head in work, didn't work, I'd go do a lot of other guys.

Kind of boring as coping mechanisms go, but at least it beats my former mechanism of drinking myself delirious for a few days.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome. Passion is what keeps us interested in life and other people. I suppose it can be interpreted as obsession if it is strong enough and someone has no base line info on the passionate person. I hope you are in the picture long enough for him to get to know you. Best wishes.

 

[Treborf]

You just gotta date more. Every interaction seems monumental when all your hopes are pinned to one person. That's why my ideal is a 2,3 rotation of dates -- if one guy doesn't work out, move on to the next one.
You don't have to be a manwhore, but just meeting new guys, even if nothing further develops, can lower the stakes of any one date. And it's fun if you do it right.

 

[TX-Beau]

I'm advocating wanton sluttiness. I learned more about guys and what makes them tick in my years of fucking a bunch of them than I ever would have thought possible.

Namely I learned very clearly the kinds if guys who should never be considered more that a good fuck, and what I really wanted out of a guy.

There is no substitute for experience to build your confidence. If you go out on a lot of dates (not you don't have to fuck them - though if the guy is hot you might consider it) you are far less likely to get tongue tied. If you've talked to a lot of guys you find attractive you learn how to deal with the shyness.

 

[CapeAndCowl]

@ Treborf:

Truth. That does sound like it would definitely relieve the level of stakes I have within this current individual. Dating has never inherently intimidated me, I just never took the time. I'm not the love-searching type. I definitely want to a long-term relationship at some point, but why force it? You're definitely on to something, perhaps I should give guys a bit more of my time and attention.

@Tx-beau:

yea, the deal is, I'm not one to hook up with people I don't know. It's just not my style. Though I'm not shy in life by any stretch, I sure did feel relatively insecure about this whole dating venture. The more I've given thought (and posted this thread), the better I feel. I think my brain is starting to shut down all the adrenaline production that was causing me such anxiety. I quite literally feel like a clamp has been removed from my cranium.

@Seasoned:

Thanks for the welcome and your moderating skills! I appreciate it. You definitely have a point about passion, which a much healthier perspective to have on this overwhelming feeling than 'obsession'.

 

[Incognito]

If you don't meet up with enough guys, then I think you'll become infatuated by the few you do meet.

I would suggest going on dates with guys. If you're not into dating just don't make it too formal, just suggest 'catching up' or 'hanging out'. I've met up with hundreds of guys in a variety of situations, a lot of them I did nothing but hang out, many I had sex with, some I dated multiple times and had a fling with. It just increases your confidence and means you don't take any one guy too seriously. (Okay but you'll still fall pretty hard for some guys eventually).