The perils of Online Dating

[KaraBulut]

Look- there's a lot of lonely people who are looking for a fantasy. They create online personas and they have one-time jackoff/phonesex/cybersex erotic encounters with guys who are looking for one time encounters.

Every now and then it becomes something more- they meet someone, get to be friends with them and create a trap that they can't get out of without confessing to the fictitious persona they created.

Is it wrong? Yes.

But ask yourself this- if you knew what he looked like, would you have ever talked to him?

Maybe you would have. But honestly, most guys never would have given him the time of day if they knew the truth.

And that's exactly why they do it.

 

[modernaire]

Im really heartbroken. I NEED to find his friend and tell him what's going on.

...and then you two will bond over your shared deception and live happily ever after, right?

Speaking from experience, it's best to cut your losses and set rules for any future online dating adventures. Rule #1, meet within the first two weeks of communication (no later than a month). Even if it's for coffee, atleast you get a chance to meet and see if feelings translate into the real world, as well as if the other guy is lying about his appearance or not. Guys who do the whole fake-internet persona thing are losers, in my opinion. Guys who do it for prolonged periods and profess 'love' without ever having met you, knowing damn well they're lying about who they really are....are less than scum.

The hardest lesson to learn from this experience is to never allow it to happen again.

 

[erobert]

I know how you feel.

I've made my share of mistakes and learned a couple of things along the way. Here's a couple of my online dating tips:

1. Use a site that allows members to verify themselves. You need to make sure they are who they say they are. Do not consider dating anyone who will not verify themselves. That seems strict but anyone can take a picture of a hot guy off of flickr and say that it's them.

I know some guys are in the closet but someone saying they're closeted and doesn't want to verify themselves is a big red flag in my book.

People want to see you face and it's better to be out online. Verify yourself so you don't seem like a hypocrite.

2. Arrange to meet in a public place within the first week or so as stated above, never meet at their house or an isolated location. Short of Skype this allows you to get to know each other better and prevents you from developing feelings for someone who might not be a good match for you. Don't give out a phone number until you get a feel for them.

3. Ignore people who unlock their "private pictures" for you or send explicit PM's. These guys aren't looking to date. If they want you to send you pics don't send them anything. Just ignore and block if necessary.

There are some great single guys online as well as off. I really think that an increasing number of guys in their twenties are turning to online dating as they want to start the dating process but don't know how to approach a guy on campus or are still in the closet which complicates things more. Online dating is a numbers game and works best when combined with real world dating.

As for telling his "friend" I would tell him. I would want to know if someone was doing that with my Facebook pictures.

 

[Halifaxboy8]

Some good advice above.

Although I think its noble to try and warn the FB guy that his picture identity is being hijacked by this fucked up deceiver, really, is it worth the effort? I echo the sentiments to cut your losses and be wiser the next time around.

In addition to the given advice on meeting someone online, not only should you arrange for a public place (coffee shops are good), but ask them to wear an identifiable piece of clothing. So, get them to say they will wear a blue shirt, or a white baseball cap, or something that can make you pick them out of a crowd easily. Arrange for the time, but arrive late. See if you can check them out before you sit down and spend some time with them. Why? People post dated pics, or pics that aren't them. There's also the "vibe" you can get from seeing someone in person that you can't get from a 2D image.

It shitty that happened to you. Hopefully things turn out better if you do this again.

 

[hylas]

i agree with what has been said already: let it go. dont try to get revenge, or get to know that cute friend. be more careful from now on.

but the real problem here, of course is...

So we get really close, and yes, I know, it would be better to deal with real people and not text/msn, but ive been busy with Uni and I have no gay friends.

"busy with uni"... bullshit. work on coming out if you are still closeted, move in gay circles, become more comfortable with everything that comes with being gay. the internet is an excellent way for meeting people, but its in no way a substitute for friends, and i think online dating can actually be a really bad influence on fags that are not out and proud yet.

 

[Halifaxboy8]

Thanks for the input guys, I appreciate it.

I'm definately not closeted, everyone knows, and when I say I have been busy with Uni I genuinely mean it, I didnt have time to go out, and even if I did, that would never involve gay bars, as I hate the scene. I figured online was convenient and I hoped I might find a guy who suited my type, ie, you would never know he was gay until he told you.

The whole verification thing is tough too. I mean, this guy sent me around 100 photos, each with the most unbelievably detailed back story, even with the names of the other people in the photos, where they were etc. And he would reply to my compliments. I know I've been naive, but I think 99% of us would have believed that this was the guy I was talking to.

We spoke on the phone a lot for hours on end towards the end, and it was just so believable. I mean not once did he slip up with names, always calling himself 'ry' or other little pet names. Unreal. He spoke to my friend on the phone too, and texted another asking her to look after me. When the whole time he knew he was just gonna hurt me. I need to find him to get some closure on this.

And the depths of detail still leave me shocked really, he may well have just based it all on this friend of his. Im making some progress identifying him.

Thanks again guys.

Well, for your sake then I hope you get your closure. If I found out that a "friend" of mine was using my personal photos like this guy was I'd be furious. Maybe even wanting to go legal all over his ass so he learns something.

And you're right. I bet I would have been conned too, and that creeps me out. I think we (those that are secure, balanced people) WANT to trust people, its in our nature. We don't go around disbeleiving and second guessing people we come in contact with. You'd have to have a pretty neurotic, unstable personality to be like that. Just be thankful that he is a rare breed, insofar as the depth he was willing to go to to create an illusion. There are still fakers online, but posting a pic or two that isn't you is a far cry from creating a false history and life.

 

[MysteriousBoy]

Guys,

I guess I've been debating over this idea pretty strongly the past 24hrs...If you were in my situation, and you had a pretty nailed-on solid lead in finding out who the guy in the photos is, would you follow it up?

And this isn't about me hoping we'll fall in love etc, this is me needing to let this guy know what's been going on, leaving the evidence with him and trying to forget all about it.

In a serious dilemma!

Just read your first post. Firstly just to say I'm not in the online thing anyway, so I might be slightly biased.
All I know is if someone was using my pictures and pretending to be me when talking to other people, I would definitely want to know. The guy using the "fake" pictures is not only misleading people, but might give the unsuspecting guy a reputation he doesn't deserve. Tell him, the guy shouldn't be using the pictures in the first place.

 

[hackingnomberr]

Pffft, I've done that to a guy before but he thought I was a hot chick, it lasted like three or four years, eventually he asked for pics and I couldn't do it, so I just confessed, I wish I played dead though it probably would have made the poor guy feel better. :c

 

[rotary]

And since then we've talked and texted every day. All day. He said he loved me and to be honest, I thought I loved the person I was speaking to. He sent me about 100 pictures of himself, and each one just made me fancy him more.

Really man, time to ditch the social media/texting/online ads phenomenon in terms of guys and meet someone in person. That time of constant communication stunts social growth. Thinking you love someone without ever actually seeing them in the flesh is dangerous and not what a relationship is.

You're young, so I know it's hard to understand when someone tells you that this will merely be a drop in the bucket compared to real relationships you'll form throughout your life, but take the advice and drop this immediately. Move on and focus on someone worth your energy.

 

[hylas]

god, stop obsessing over him already. youre not doing anybody any favours here.

"he could be doing this to somebody else! i have a moral obligation!" to me, this smells like a stupid excuse to keep obsessing over this situation. what the gay guy did was shitty, but to a large extent, its your fault as well, for being careless and gullible. i know i seem to be in the minority here, but i think impersonating people on the internet is not really something wrong. everybody knows that you cant trust people on the net, unless you have proof they are who they claim to be.

so, it sucks you fell for this scam. i feel for you, i really do. but i think you need to move on now and learn from your mistakes (your mistakes, not his "crimes"). dont act out some revenge fantasy and dont go after the hot guy, about whom you know nothing except that hes hot. yeah, you feel shitty and heartbroken, but its very much your own fault, so accept that, move on, and stop thrashing around.

 

[vulgar_newcomer]

This is why I like a web cam with a mic. You know chat isn't that hard when its all text. Some one can type some thing think about it for a minute, delete and type some thing better before they hit send.

Much the way you can post 10 great photos you take out of 300 from a digital camera and people will think you are a awesome photographer when in fact 290 photos were deleted. Nothing wrong with this but....
If you are chatting with a web cam when the time gets there using a mic its hard to be so witty and always have time to say the right thing. Similar to being face to face, can help give you a more realistic idea of who the person is over text on-line dating plus you can determine what they look like. If someone says they don't have a cam I it draws a flag. They are online and don't have a cam, even a cheap one. Flag goes up not saying everyone has a cam, but most everyone who has a internet connection can afford one.