The Roommate Question

[MrSarcastic]

Hey guys, I've been reading here for a while but I never actually posted so this is my first. I was hoping someone could give me a little perspective on a situation.

The basic story is that I graduated from college last year and for the last few months i've been sharing an apartment with a friend of mine. We've been friends since college and we lived together senior year as well. I'm gay but fairly straight acting and we joke that he's straight but a little gay acting. When we first met years ago I had a little crush on him, and for a while I did wonder if he might be gay, but i've honestly put that behind me. He's a great friend, and a good roommate (he cooks, and has not tried to kill me in my sleep) We have a lot of fun together but both have our own lives and friends which is also great. I go out now and then, so does he.

The problem is this: The dating scene is lame and annoying, as we all know, and I'm just not that into it. I've gone out with a couple of guys since we've lived here but it hasn't really added up to anything. Lately I haven't really been putting in that much effort and I've been spending a lot more time with my roommate. I can't say for certain but I think the same goes for him. Basically I'm starting to wonder if I'm somehow making a bad choice here. I feel like I'm having an emotional relationship with my roommate and occasionally hooking up with guys to take care of the physical component. He's the person I talk to about my life, watch dumb movies with, laugh with, throw parties with, etc. I don't want to do the cliche "fall for my straight friend" thing and I also don't want to miss out on opportunities for a real relationship. On the other hand I also have a great friend and a great living situation and I don't want to ruin that somehow. Thoughts?

 

[lonnie1]

It sounds like you have a very good friend. You just need to control your behavior.
Constantly remind yourself that this guy is not going to have sex with you and if you approach him you'll ruin the friendship. Get your ass out there and start looking for a romantic interest. You'll meet someone and the problem will be solved.

 

[MrSarcastic]

You're right of course, but thanks for the reinforcement. I'm not that worried that I'm going to accidentally jump him. I'm just wondering if I'm substituting a friend, who i do find attractive, for an actual relationship. Dating is so lame it's hard to get psyched up about it when i've got a cool, interesting, funny, sweet, guy sitting on my couch right now. It's also complicated by the fact that I'm not totally convinced of his straightness. He's had one girlfriend who he broke up with because he "just felt more like a friend." He has a slightly gay vibe but i try to chalk it up to him being just a sensitive straight guy. It's definitely wishful thinking but combining that with his other attributes makes him tough to tune out.

 

[DonSade]

From your second reply it seems you're not over the fact that he might be gay... and I think this is where your problem lies. You're still hoping he'll somehow pop out of the birthday cake one day and say "Surprise! I'm gay and I love you!" which you know will never happen.

My advice? Get out there and keep dating. You probably won't enjoy a proper date until you've met someone that actually enthralls you. This friend of yours IS NOT a substitute for a real available man that is willing and able to satisfy your needs. You should not compare him to all the guys you meet. Once you understand that, I think you'll be fine. This guy is only your very good and dear friend and you will screw it up if you pursue him romantically (even if it's psychologically on your own... if that makes any sense). I talk by experience on this. Keep all this to yourself and don't ruin the wonderful relationship you guys have. It's rare and it should be cherished and protected.

 

[Seasoned]

We can all make the mistake by believing a close friend could also be a lover, or fuck buddy. Even if he is bi or gay doesn't mean you're his type even though it sounds like he is yours. I've seen these happen.

Enjoy his friendship and if you trust him be honest with your thoughts and feelings.

 

[KaraBulut]

Well, that's what a good friend is- someone you can be yourself with, talk with and share life's ups and downs.

Someday hopefully, you will also have that kind of friendship with a lover.

Until then be thankful that you have a good friend. They can last a lifetime.

However- to your other issue. There's nothing wrong with having fuckbuddies or casual dates to get off and get a taste of man-flesh every now and then. Dating is tough when you're in your twenties- it's the nature of the beast. Boys just want to have fun and live a little while they're young. This will begin to change when they hit their mid-to-late twenties, their friends begin to settle down and they start to panic because they're "all alone".

Friendships are great but they're not a substitute for a healthy sex life. You just have to learn to balance the two.

 

[G-Lexington]

You may be falling into what I've been calling "convenience crushing". Which is having feelings for a guy less because he's really ideally suited for you, but simply because it's easier. I fell for my first guy...well, mainly because he was the first gay guy I knew, and the first gay guy I told. So if HE were my boyfriend, then I wouldn't have to bother finding anybody else, and hey, I wouldn't even have to TELL anybody else! And of course that didn't work out, as we weren't well matched in any way.

So go take the plunge. Yeah, it sucks, but most new things do. As you do it more, you'll get better at it. And you can start thinking of your roommate as a friend again.

Lex

 

[TX-Beau]

I don't understand why guys think dating is hard. All dating is, is going out and testing the waters.

I suspect that if you go into it, putting all the weight of all of your expectations on every one, it could get a little disappointing. The vast majority of your dates aren't going to go anywhere. So just let them be what they are and have a good time.

If all you expect out of a date is some dinner, and a possibility of some fun, it gets much easier.

It's extremely rare to win the lottery having only bought one ticket. You're going to have to date a lot of guys probably before you find one you want to get serious with.

So just go with it, find a guy you like the look of, ask him out.

You can sit around and wait for the guys to come to you, but that means you only get what comes, so really, it's better to put in the effort.

You sound like you have a pretty good handle on your roommate thing. Remember, crushing on that straight guy is really easy on you, it doesn't require any effort, it doesn't require any risk, it doesn't require you to step up to the plate, and that's a big ole trap to fall into.

 

[MrSarcastic]

You guys are all absolutely right and I really appreciate it. Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else. Just to clarify I'm not against dating really, i just get a little burned out. I think we can all relate. I think that's part of the problem actually. Having someone around who i enjoy chilling with and admittedly think is attractive tends to increase my inertia. That being said you are all totally right. I need to continue to be proactive...but it's raining...and we have cake...so i'm staying in tonight and watching a movie. Fail.

 

[blackbeltninja]

No, dude, this is exactly what your friends are there for - to be one of the guys you rant to, watch stupid movies with, talk about your life with.

He sounds like a great guy and a great room-mate; more than that, he sounds like an awesome friend to have. The outside romantic interests will come, eventually, and some will probably go again. But good friends will always be there so I would embrace the friendship and forget about it going any further than that.

Good luck.
-d-

 

[rareboy]

Keep dating.

Keep sharing stuff with the roomie.

Hopefully you'll both find the right person.

Oh.

And don't be jealous of one another when one of you does find your love.

 

[Lube]

I think you should put more faith in your intuition. He could be straight, he could be gay. Either you have great intuition or you're inventing things. Can't really tell from what you've said so far.

I think you need to get him out of your system. Not by forgetting about him, but rather by consummating the relationship, if he is gay.

Have you ever talked about sexuality with him? Have you ever done anything you would consider gay with him (snuggled? etc)?

Has he ever shown any curiosity in your dates or sexuality?

 

[MrSarcastic]

I think you should put more faith in your intuition. He could be straight, he could be gay. Either you have great intuition or you're inventing things. Can't really tell from what you've said so far.

I think you need to get him out of your system. Not by forgetting about him, but rather by consummating the relationship, if he is gay.

Have you ever talked about sexuality with him? Have you ever done anything you would consider gay with him (snuggled? etc)?

Has he ever shown any curiosity in your dates or sexuality?

I have given some thought to this and to be totally honest there are some signs that he's at least curious. However, any indication he has given could just as easily be misinterpreted. I think everyone is right to say that I'm likely to see what I want to see. That being said there are a few major indicators that I have considered over the years.

1. He's never had a consistent relationship with a girl. He dates but it never lasts. He often talks about wanting to find someone long term but it never seems to happen. It's hard to see what' s holding him up, he's a sweet, good looking guy, and not really a player. I know plenty of girls who would be interested but somehow he can't seem to make it stick. Could be a sign, or it could just mean that he's a terrible date/sucks in bed.

2. He does have more than a few gay friends and while I do believe that it's possible to be straight and have gay friends he does seem to gravitate a little bit. Then again he's also a music major with a background in theater so he's probably got a lot in common with a lot of gays.

3. He is very physically affectionate but it's not really sexual he's just that kind of guy. He likes hugs and shit but i'd say that's mostly because he's not a super-macho douche.

4. He doesn't flirt with guys but he does seem to put himself in situations where guys will flirt with him. He also really likes to talk about it when it happens. I think he just enjoys the attention.

I dunno, i come back to this stuff over and over but i think everyone's right. It's not worth wasting a friendship on. Also I hope I haven't made him sound like a huge douchebag. He's a really great guy and this snap shot doesn't really capture that.

 

[Lube]

That seems like a pretty level-headed description, and that sure sets my gaydar on 95%.

However, he may be in denial. In which case, he's as good as straight to you.

I assume you're out to him. Do you ever discuss sex or relationships? Is he curious? Is he curious but too afraid to ask?

I think you need to gently push the envelope when discussing these things. Ask him some questions. Not, "are you gay?" but rather "have you ever fantasized about gay sex?" or "if every woman was taken would you consider dating a guy?" or "how does your family feel about gays?".

See what happens.

I am not trying to say that he will immediately jump out of the closet and you will live happily every after. Not at all.

But it's worth exploring. It would be nice to get a direct, spoken "no" to end things, if he's not interested. Or...?