Wow guys. Let me just say. WOW. I feel on top of the world. In freakin dreamland. Cloud nine or ninety or nine-hundred! Here's some background. I posted this back in September of 08.
Since then we've hung out just a handful of times. It's kinda like it always has been. We hang out every couple months have a kick ass time and then for some reason don't talk for a while. But everytime we do hangout it's just like old times. Just kick back and talk and philosophize and what not.
But anyway, let's get to this weekend and explain why it was freakin awesome. Depsite the 4th of July parties and such. This one event made it the fuckin tops!
So Friday night I had a housewarming party and of course got drunk and then just texted him asking him what was up. He just said "Hey buddy what you doin?" I said, "having a party. I friggin love and miss you." He responded and said I love you too man you need to come down here right now!" I told him I couldn't cos there were too many drunk people and I was drunk. But he kept begging me. I thought it was a little weird, 'cause he hadn't ever sounded like that before. But eventually my phone died and I just rocked out with my friends which was sweet
FF to Saturday and we plan to hang out. I ended up waiting a long time because he was out at the lake with some buddies lighting off fireworks. I had another good friend with me and I asked if it was cool if he came along. He replied "is it cool if it's just me and u tonight. We have a lot of catching up to do!" I was honestly kind of hoping he would say that. So I went over there alone. And was kind of pissed at first because there were a couple other guys there but we all hung out and had a pretty kick ass time. Had a couple beers, smoked a couple bowls and just talked. This was at about 3 a.m.
A little later he was like oh man you have to check out my bed it's freakin heaven. So i sat on it and it's one of those memory foam beds. And it was heaven. And just jokin I was like "Can I stay witchuu toniight?" He chuckled and was like yeah sure man.
Then his roommates started to kind of pass out and we just stayed outside smoking our cigarettes and talking about the movies we wanted to make. He listened to me talk about the books I wanted to write and was so cool about asking questions about it and just kept saying "wow that's so cool." And saying how when he talks to his friends about books or movies I always come into conversation because I can write. So he was being real sweet and everything. At about 4 we went inside to his room.
We got his blacklight and we smoked one more bowl and just listened to sweet music while laying sideways on his bad. It was so cool just talking and chilling and being next to him. He asked me how I was doing, and said that he hadn't ever really asked me that before. So we talked about the shit we're going through and how our lives were pretty good. And now this is where it gets really interesting...
I mentioned something about this girl who I thought I might like but turned out to be fucking annoying haha. And he's like Im just really interested, are you more the person who can't be classified, but just likes people for their personalities, and doesn't give a fuck about gender. I said that made sense but I wasn't sure. Then he was like yeah I just think that's really cool and interesting. Honestly sometimes I have these flashes.
I asked, "flashes? Like what do you mean."
And he said "well like when I think about, you know trying something else. I'm really open right now."
I was, of course, freaking out inside but just said, "well dude it's cool. I bet you a hundred bucks every guy who says he's straight has those feelings." I also asked him if it was for anyone in specific and he said no. So then we talked awhile longer about other things and just joked and had a good time. He mentioned something about how I could sleep on his bed and he would take the couch and I was kinda disappointed but we ended up both layin there. We got kinda close actually and I would keep brushing up against him and he would pull his knee up to touch mine. But eventually I was so freakin tired (it was about 6 am) I started passin out. He said goodnight and it actually woke me up haha. And then I finally got the balls to ask him...
"So you never really told me what a flash was. Like what does it feel like."
And his eyes were closed and he was kinda close to me lookin at me. he said "I dunno...I'm...kinda havin' one right now."
I friggin choked on my guts I think and stuttered out another question, "Really like...uh...ahem...cough...towards...uh me?"
And he was like "I dunno...yeah." and he got this little grin on his face.
I laid still for a minute and was like...well uh what do you wanna do?
He said "I dunno...I'm gonna be shy about it." So I said come here and pulled him close to me and just started rubbin his back and he rubbed mine. I kissed him and was like oh shit you probably weren't ready for that. He said he wasn't sure but we did it some more and he started gettin really into it. I just kept thinkin oh my freaking god I am dreaming. This is not real. I've been wanting this for like 7 years. He said he had a boner and I felt it which was sweet ha. He said he wanted to taste my cock and I said we pry shouldn't cos I didn't want to mess anything up and he was like yeah you're right let's be careful.
But mostly we just laid there and loved on eachother. I just like rubbed his chest real lightly while we listened to our favorite songs. I just kinda spooned him while we slept and oh man guys. It was fucking...gaaaah. Incredible.
I'm not sure where it's gonna go. I don't feel weird about being his friend. But it's just that I have been attracted to him for so long. And the fact that he actually returned that attraction makes me feel fucking awesome.
7 years. Seven fucking years. It fucking paid off. I can die happy now haha.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Mostly, this is just a story. I'm not asking for any advice, because there's nothing I can really do except move on and be happy with the circumstances. Basically this is just me saying how much I appreciate my friend, because I have to get it out. I don't feel like I can say it to him, without it being weird, but I just want you all to know how great he is.
First off he was the first person ever to talk to me at my new high school. He was just that kind of guy, that he made sure that the new kids felt welcome. Everyone else had either ignored me or made fun of me so it was really good to see a friendly face. After he introduced himself we hung out a few times and he stayed over. And that's when I started to be really confused by how I felt about him. It was an inexplicable warm feeling that came over me everytime I was near him, or talked to him. Basically I always wanted to be around him, and everytime he left I felt a blend of happiness and sadness. Because I would look back to all the great things that happen and smile but feel bad because I would have to wait to hang out with him again.
We did not hang out too much in high school, because he was popular and we just had really different lifestyles. I was a really strong Christian and he was a partier. But when we did hang out, it was always the best times. We would always get out my video camera and try to make scary movies. One night before Christmas eve we went to a movie and then drove around on snowy roads for hours just listening to music and talking. But it was always hard, because everytime we'd hang out, immediately after he'd ignore me for months at a time. I must have come on too strongly.
And this is where I always feel like the worst person on earth, and is most likely the source of a lot of his apparant uncomfort with me. When he slept, I'd try to get him to stay in my bed, and after a while I'd start cuddling up to him. It was innocent at first but then I ended up being a real pervert and doing some things I am really really ashamed of. I don't know how, but he never woke up. It was so empty and wrong, because I thought I loved him. But that's defintely not love because there's no respect in that. I still haven't told him about that, and I don't know if I ever can. I mean, I should. He deserves to know the truth about me.
Anyway, after high school we pretty much fell out of touch. And keep in mind I graduated in 05 and first off we didn't even hang out our senior year plus we pretty much haven't spoken until just a few weeks ago. He randomly started talking to me on AIM and it was really good. I could tell he'd changed. He was more open about stuff. He had heard that I'd came out and thought that it was awesome. We hung out and it was just like old times. Well the feeling wasn't there yet, but he was the same old friend of mine, but somehow different. Maybe because we didn't stop talking. He started calling me and we'd talk for a long time. And it was real cool.
Of course, I had no hopes of ever being with him because a) he's straight DUH and b) he has an amazing fiancee who he loves more than anything. But the feeling started to come back. That warm, almost out-of-body happy feeling. A couple weeks ago I told him I wasn't doing good, and he seemed worried, then later I told him I was doing better, like I didn't feel like I wanted to die anymore. And he told me I shouldn't ever think about dying, that he would hate losing me, that I'm a great guy. And it just felt so great to hear him say that. Any compliments coming from his mouth feel like heaven.
Then I came home last Thursday for labor day weekend and he called me about 8 o'clock and we've been together non-stop ever since. He kind of got kicked out by his fiancee until he finds a better job. They're still good, but he just needed some time away. So I told him of course, come over. That he was welcome anytime. So we ended up watching movies and driving around until 4 in the morning and it was just like old times. The feeling was growing. We had to help my parents with some work and in that time I started talking about how I had wanted to go mountain biking this weekend. Out of the blue he said, yeah we should do it. Let's get out of Nebraska. I was like, wtf are you joking? ha. So we DID! We left in the afternoon and drove all night to the black hills in South Dakota. When we got there it was incredible, we drove through the mountains and just listened to Passenger Seat by Death Cab over and over again. I was in heaven. For one we'd been planning a trip like this for probably 4 years and two I love places like that and three I was with him. I was content. In heaven!
So the whole weekend we camped and hiked, and did some offroading. And the whole time he just proved that he had become the greatest guy. At one point I kind of ran ahead when we were scouting an offroad path and when I met back with him, he kept saying how worried he was, he thought a bear had gotten me or something. And I know it probably sound stupid that I think it's so great, but it was just so great to know that he cared about me. When we were camping he made sure i was warm. And when we were driving, I would lay down and he would make sure I was comfortable, even putting stuff over the ligths on the stereo so it wouldn't be so bright. It was like he was taking care of me, just so great. And it's weird, a lot of times I don't understand his humor, and it's been so long that we still have trouble keeping conversations going sometimes, but it doesn't matter. I feel on top of the world when I'm with him. I don't even know in what way, but I love him. I know it doeesn't mean anything to him or anyone else in the world, but it does to me. And it's not even that desperate, depressing love. It's just different.
Now unfortunately the trip is over. He's sleeping on the couch in the next room. And I can say that this was probably the greatest weekend ever. I don't know if anyone will ever read this whole thing, but it felt great to let it out. Thanks.
Since then we've hung out just a handful of times. It's kinda like it always has been. We hang out every couple months have a kick ass time and then for some reason don't talk for a while. But everytime we do hangout it's just like old times. Just kick back and talk and philosophize and what not.
But anyway, let's get to this weekend and explain why it was freakin awesome. Depsite the 4th of July parties and such. This one event made it the fuckin tops!
So Friday night I had a housewarming party and of course got drunk and then just texted him asking him what was up. He just said "Hey buddy what you doin?" I said, "having a party. I friggin love and miss you." He responded and said I love you too man you need to come down here right now!" I told him I couldn't cos there were too many drunk people and I was drunk. But he kept begging me. I thought it was a little weird, 'cause he hadn't ever sounded like that before. But eventually my phone died and I just rocked out with my friends which was sweet
FF to Saturday and we plan to hang out. I ended up waiting a long time because he was out at the lake with some buddies lighting off fireworks. I had another good friend with me and I asked if it was cool if he came along. He replied "is it cool if it's just me and u tonight. We have a lot of catching up to do!" I was honestly kind of hoping he would say that. So I went over there alone. And was kind of pissed at first because there were a couple other guys there but we all hung out and had a pretty kick ass time. Had a couple beers, smoked a couple bowls and just talked. This was at about 3 a.m.
A little later he was like oh man you have to check out my bed it's freakin heaven. So i sat on it and it's one of those memory foam beds. And it was heaven. And just jokin I was like "Can I stay witchuu toniight?" He chuckled and was like yeah sure man.
Then his roommates started to kind of pass out and we just stayed outside smoking our cigarettes and talking about the movies we wanted to make. He listened to me talk about the books I wanted to write and was so cool about asking questions about it and just kept saying "wow that's so cool." And saying how when he talks to his friends about books or movies I always come into conversation because I can write. So he was being real sweet and everything. At about 4 we went inside to his room.
We got his blacklight and we smoked one more bowl and just listened to sweet music while laying sideways on his bad. It was so cool just talking and chilling and being next to him. He asked me how I was doing, and said that he hadn't ever really asked me that before. So we talked about the shit we're going through and how our lives were pretty good. And now this is where it gets really interesting...
I mentioned something about this girl who I thought I might like but turned out to be fucking annoying haha. And he's like Im just really interested, are you more the person who can't be classified, but just likes people for their personalities, and doesn't give a fuck about gender. I said that made sense but I wasn't sure. Then he was like yeah I just think that's really cool and interesting. Honestly sometimes I have these flashes.
I asked, "flashes? Like what do you mean."
And he said "well like when I think about, you know trying something else. I'm really open right now."
I was, of course, freaking out inside but just said, "well dude it's cool. I bet you a hundred bucks every guy who says he's straight has those feelings." I also asked him if it was for anyone in specific and he said no. So then we talked awhile longer about other things and just joked and had a good time. He mentioned something about how I could sleep on his bed and he would take the couch and I was kinda disappointed but we ended up both layin there. We got kinda close actually and I would keep brushing up against him and he would pull his knee up to touch mine. But eventually I was so freakin tired (it was about 6 am) I started passin out. He said goodnight and it actually woke me up haha. And then I finally got the balls to ask him...
"So you never really told me what a flash was. Like what does it feel like."
And his eyes were closed and he was kinda close to me lookin at me. he said "I dunno...I'm...kinda havin' one right now."
I friggin choked on my guts I think and stuttered out another question, "Really like...uh...ahem...cough...towards...uh me?"
And he was like "I dunno...yeah." and he got this little grin on his face.
I laid still for a minute and was like...well uh what do you wanna do?
He said "I dunno...I'm gonna be shy about it." So I said come here and pulled him close to me and just started rubbin his back and he rubbed mine. I kissed him and was like oh shit you probably weren't ready for that. He said he wasn't sure but we did it some more and he started gettin really into it. I just kept thinkin oh my freaking god I am dreaming. This is not real. I've been wanting this for like 7 years. He said he had a boner and I felt it which was sweet ha. He said he wanted to taste my cock and I said we pry shouldn't cos I didn't want to mess anything up and he was like yeah you're right let's be careful.
But mostly we just laid there and loved on eachother. I just like rubbed his chest real lightly while we listened to our favorite songs. I just kinda spooned him while we slept and oh man guys. It was fucking...gaaaah. Incredible.
I'm not sure where it's gonna go. I don't feel weird about being his friend. But it's just that I have been attracted to him for so long. And the fact that he actually returned that attraction makes me feel fucking awesome.
7 years. Seven fucking years. It fucking paid off. I can die happy now haha.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I hope everything works out for you guys.
