This crush is draining me

[mtb302]

Hi, I've been having a problem with a guy I really like, but it's all going downhill for me mentally.

Things you should know, I have anxiety issues, ocd and depression. This is the main reason why I need to get this guy out of my head cause it's draining me all day, everyday.

What's worse is, I've never met this guy, and he lives on the other side of the world which to me makes me feel pathetic, foolish and very unrealistic that nothing will happen under those circumstances. Yet, I guess I have this longing for someone, as I fantasise about being with him too on how much better my life would be like.

He streams online, and participates in community streams. I've messaged him a few times, and complimented him on a few occasions, but it's made no difference towards my feelings.

Should I just message him saying I have a crush on him? or ask if he's gay or straight? This is all too humiliating, but I need to move on from this obsession as it's been 6 months, and I've tried everything to distract myself from him, but it's impossible.

Thanks guys

 

[redips]

Hey mtb. Welcome to JUB.

First of all, does this guy know you? Is he just an online streamer that you follow? If that's the case, then it's kinda like a celebrity crush. In that case, then don't follow him! In fact, stop following streams from anyone completely and find another hobby. I don't it's tempting, and much easier said than done, but it's much harder to get someone out of your head if you're constantly seeing him.

Hope this helps.

 

[AstareGod]

Welcome to JUB!

Seems you have fallen into an infatuation. It can be hard sometimes to separate the feelings you have for someone in particular with the feelings you have about the idea of being with someone in general. What I mean by that is, you may think you're attracted to this guy, but instead you're just attracted to the idea of being with someone, and since this guy is the only one you have your eyes on, you're projecting all your thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams onto him.

I think it's a bad idea to get this infatuated over someone you have never met. You never really know a person until you have met them and spent a considerable amount of time with them. You cannot see his negative qualities and don't know if he has what you may consider to be dealbreakers. It's impossible to know any of this until you meet him and spend time with him.

Having someone in your life will not automatically make your life better. That takes two people willing to make a commitment to each other to love and support the other. And those people have to come from a place of self-loving and self-sufficiency. Anything else, and there is a risk of one person becoming overly dependent on the other. You really have to be satisfied and happy with where you are while single in order for any successful relationship to be able to transpire.

If I were you, I'd keep my communication with this guy very casual. Find some topics of common interest to discuss. I'd leave it at that. If you two develop the desire to meet in person, great! But I wouldn't get my hopes up that once you do meet, he will sweep you off your feet. Try to keep a realistic, rational head, and don't let it get too out of control.

 

[maxpowr9]

This sounds extremely juvenile. I can admire someone's personality and physical appearance despite not meeting them but crush on them without even having a real conversation with them? Oh boy.

The only way to get over a crush is to basically cut off all contact with them. It sounds tough but it works out for the best.

 

[mtb302]

Thank you for your warm welcomes and responses. It makes a lot of sense and helps out for sure that I'll take on board. Just thinking about this more, what I think that also makes this the most damaging aspect of this crush is the 'what if' scenario. Such as, what if he was gay, what if he was gonna visit my country for whatever reason, etc. That 'what if' thought keeps me hanging on. Does that make sense?

 

[Seasoned]

What makes sense to me is that your mental health issues are causing you to have this reaction towards him. You are aware that there's something missing in your life. It's a mistake to think he or anyone else can make you whole. It's important that you find a way to do that for yourself.

How are you handling your issues? Medication? Psychiatrist? Therapist? You would be well served by having some type of ongoing intervention. Then you'd be able to develop thechniques to cope with obsession or compulsion.

Take good care of yourself.

 

[Rolyo85]

I want to add to Seasoned's post (because the part about handling the issues is extremely important) that crushing on an impossible and entirely vague crush makes it easy for us to focus our energies on an object that doesn't require us to do anything but quietly suffer. It's the same as the closeted boys crushing on straight guys - that way they don't have to face their feelings, the world, coming out etc. Could it be that you fear connecting to a real person who is actually in your life and the part of the world where YOU live, and that's why you're focused on someone who - let's be real - despite the "what if"s is completely safe in his impossibility?

 

[BeaverCleavage]

You should focus your fantasies and desires on practical relationships so that you will have something to look forward to instead of something you know, as you stated, will never happen.

 

[Ninjato]

You've already tried to stop thinking about him and move on but you keep thinking about these "what if" situations. You need to eliminate them and do exactly what you're thinking. Ask him if he's gay. Ask him if he'll ever visit your country. Tell him that you have a crush on him and you want to be with him. If you get a response you don't like to any of those situations, then you'll know that you can't have him and your fantasy will start to fade. I had a crush that was draining me so much but once I got my rejection, it started to get better. You'll be bummed out for awhile but you'll feel better than you do now.

 

[mtb302]

I messaged him a few days ago basically telling him I have a crush on him, stating his orientation, and my feelings. I've seen him on again, and I asked him if he checks his messages, which he said he does. And then asked him to please get back to my message but nothing. Honestly, I'm surprised he hasn't banned me If I keep pestering him like this, surely he's gonna get sick of me. Anyway, if this doesn't work, maybe I'll just plainly tell him this in his chat. Might be embarrassing and awkward, but hey, that's the extent to how much I'll humiliate myself to stop this.

You guys are completely right, pretty much hit the nail on the head about emotions and why I'm behaving like this to a higher level. I am getting help for my conditions. I have a lot of trust issues with people, so that's why all my energy is purely on this guy.

I don't care at all if he rejects me, if he's rude, or for whatever negative reason. The fantasy isn't there any more, but the obsession is all I'm worried about.
*sighs* All this would be over if he simply replied to my message and said he's straight. It's so easy, yet, brutal and continues on.

 

[Rolyo85]

And if he's gay? How does that change anything? Does a straight girl like ALL guys just because their sexuality is compatible? No. A gay guy can reject you just as easily as a straight one... If not easier.