This is my confessional...or something

[Jacy]

Hi,

I am a longtime lurker, who have come out of seclusion at some points, but right now need to just let all of it go and just be honest and I figure, why not use the internet and the advice of strangers, maybe that will help? This is a long post, so if you're ready, I'll take you through it...

First of all, I live in Sweden. My parents are from Uganda. Yup, the same country which threatens to kill anyone who's gay, so I really don't have much to be proud of. When I was growing up, I didn't really fit in anywhere. I was loud, in the spotlight, talented and smart. The problem was that I was the only black kid in school, who everyone thought was gay. Mind you, I didn't really have an awakening until I was 16, but back then they all thought it. So I was bullied. A lot. I had to eat my share of dirt. Sometimes literally. I have three older siblings and they were teenagers when I was a kid and they were out of control (insanely out of control, sharp contrast to the upstanding citizens they've evolved into today). For some reason, I was to smart for my own good, so I decided to slap on a smile for my parents and all the teachers and acted as if nothing got to me with everyone, all the while feeling like dirt and getting really messed up. It all culminated in a suicide attempt when I was 10. My parents were suprised to say the least. My father didn't have a job and was depressed and drinking, my mother was working overtime, they were arguing all the time, my siblings were insane (has to do with my other brother having a brainbleed. He died at 7 years old, my family didn't have the tools to deal with it), so I did what I could do to relive them of my stress and really listened to them talk and talked with my siblings. I am and have always been an "old soul" so I never really experienced a childhood in the traditional sense.

I landed in a music class and actually made friends and began some sort of healing process. Well, more of, I locked in those feelings in a box never to be opened. At 15 I discovered that I was sort of attracted to a boy. Up until that point, I hadn't really felt anything for anyone in particular, but everyone expected me to be gay, so I wasn't suprised, more curious. I quickly started seeking out men to see what I liked and disliked and thus began my time of being a very sexual being. It was fun for a while, but mostly destructive as my mother, whom I had been close to had become a devout christian (she needed something to keep her strong when crisis after crisis just kept hitting our family, why not God?), so I felt the need to hide everything. And ashamed. And angry. And sad. And all the other feelings that you feel I guess.

During high school, I fell into a very weird crowd. Since I stuck out like a sore thumb, I wanted to fit in for once, so I joined this EMO-crew in school and started being really hateful to everything and shutting off my emotions more and more. I became indifferent. And yes, I might sound melodramatic, but I gotta tell you, feeling almost nothing, being that numb, that is a scary place. I couldn't laugh, I couldn't cry, I couldn't get upset over anything. I don't wanna go back there, ever again. After high school, I went to college and studied to become a civil engineer. Not my cup of tea, but I did what my mother and one of my brothers wanted me to do and after a year, decided that I couldn't do it anymore. So I switched majors to communication studies (will soon be finished, I hope).

That was some of the background. As a person, I am hardworking, loyal, charming, clever and observant. I am good at reading people and do know how to charm most people I meet. This really comes from me having to hide behind a smile during my formative years.

I am a broken ragdoll otherwise.

I work crazy hours at three different jobs while writing my examination essay (in Sweden you have two months time to do this) and I can't stop. My best friend doesn't want to talk to me. Mostly because she's seen me stretching myself so thin over the years and it's all for one simple reason: I don't believe that I should live.

Now, a psychologist would probably stem from four things, the first would be my dead brother, whom I always felt that I was a replacement child for, the second would be for all the bullying and the fact that I believed those kids that I am "to stupid to live" , the third thing would be that my siblings used to call me "lazy" when I was little and the fourth would be for the fact that I am gay.

All of my life, I have been trying to "earn" my right to live. I have put myself through school, while maintaining several jobs, trying to always be good. Because I for some reason cannot look myself in the mirror and say that I love myself. I don't think I can. I want to, but I can. Logically, I understand that I need a shrink and that I am not a bad person for liking boys or for even taking a break now and then. But I can't feel it. I have been shutting off my emotions for so long, in the beginning it was for survival, now it's a barrier that I can't seem to break.And it means that I can't really love anyone else. At least not until I can look myself in the mirror and love what I see?

My friends who know all of this have been telling me to take breaks, to take care of myself, to learn how to love myself and see myself they way that they see me. When that hasn't worked, they've now left and are ignoring me, at least for the time being (I really need to finish that paper)

I guess, my point to all of this, and my question to all of you is really simple, how do you love yourself after spending so much time suppressing every last emotion that you have? There probably isn't any easy answer, but a discussion or any thoughts on this subject would be greatly appreciated. I need something to get my spark back I guess

 

[Rolyo85]

Hi there, and welcome to JUB. You're welcome to talk about anything you feel you could benefit from sharing with strangers.

To start with, I see one problem with your story, and I have one advice. The two aren't necessarily related.


Problem: you're smart. Yeah, I know, not exactly something to be sad about, but as a fellow overanalyzer, I can tell you that we are capable of fucking ourselves up in a way that no outside force ever could, just by over thinking things. Just because you can easily come up with reasons for this or that, for justifications, driving factors and circumstances, doesn't mean THEY'RE ACTUALLY THERE. Our psychology is the single most complex thing in the universe, and one of the biggest secrets about it is how simple it actually is.

Yes. Your problems surely exist in some form or other. But through your analytical nature, you have the capacity to magnify them a thousandfold. And it seems that you have. I will go as far as to say you likely don't need outside help. If you're anything like me, you also have the capacity to build the psycho-structure that will accommodate who you are and build foundation for an emotionally healthy life.

Our life's context is what we perceive it to be. Never forget that.


Advice: you need to build a little bit of healthy egocentricity. Not surface one, another mask to wear, but an actual "I am my first priority and if you have a problem with me, that's on you" mentality. Not cold and uncaring, I don't mean that. But a bit of defense against other people's expectations and wishes for you. In the end, nobody has your well being as their first priority, so YOU should. What your mother wants and what she thinks about anything, is part of HER life, and though relationships of any kind require adjustment and compromise, you do not owe her to be who she wants.


I don't know if I said everything I meant to, or in the right way, because I'm on my phone abs it's a bit difficult to type, but if you feel you could benefit from further discussion, don't hesitate to respond here, or in a PM

 

[wikke1]

Hi!
I recognise myself in some of the things you write.
Although my childhood/life were nowhere as tragic as yours...
The thing I guess I recognise is the "loving yourself is difficult" bit. I had some kind of "Eha Erlebnis" when you put it like that:
"All of my life, I have been trying to "earn" my right to live."
That's exactly how I feel sometimes, and I guess a lot of other people too, so you're not alone there.

Now for the solution. Which I havn't found, but I'm working on it . I guess it takes time.
Since I consider myself quite the (over)thinker, for me, I feel like it helps e.g. to read about "being gay", read about other people's journeu, learn about "phenomenons" like "internalised homophobia"/. More in general: being vigilent and "catching yourself" when you have certain ideas/perceptions, that you are in fact creating in your head, but which arn't necessarily true. I wholeheartedly subscribe to what ROLYO posted about our psyche...

Again, I think it needs time, and you also have to give yourself some credit, or just give yourself a break at times, both mental and physical.
When I read you story I see a huge positive evolution. E.g. from a (in my eyes) suppressing "flight reaction" (being an emo without feelings), to writing an intire post about your feelings, even trying to analyse where they stemm from.
I think you're on your way. You just have to keep going.

Another question (which for me is quite important, if I compare myself to you, in trying to understand/advise you). Are you "out" to people/family about being gay, or is everyone just presuming you are, but you never admitted/"embraced" it?

All the best to you!

 

[Seasoned]

I'm glad you wrote something so heartfelt. As someone who has used therapy to great benefit I can tell you that it has the potential to be helpful to you as well. The skills that helped you emotionally survive childhood have now stopped working as you've reached adulthood. That's ok because they served their purpose. Now you need to find adult skills in order to to live, work and play. You no longer need the protection of emotional isolation.

It's now time to take some risks with honesty, both to yourself and others. Being as open as you can in the context of individual events or situations will help you become more comfortable with yourself and more authentic with others. Therapy can help speed the process.

Best wishes.

 

[rareboy]

I guess, my point to all of this, and my question to all of you is really simple, how do you love yourself after spending so much time suppressing every last emotion that you have? There probably isn't any easy answer, but a discussion or any thoughts on this subject would be greatly appreciated. I need something to get my spark back I guess

Hey babe.

Practise.

It took a lot of time and training to suppress al this....now it is time to practise letting it all go.

And part of that may include just unloading your mind here and part of it will include finding a counsellor...either professional or as a friend who will let you just unload the whole set of luggage you are carrying around.

There are a few guys on JUB that had a very low opinion of self a few years ago when they started posting and they all have blossomed into some kick-ass guys who understand that they have intrinsic worth.

I guarantee you that out there in the world is the perfect shoe for your old sock...the world actually does need each and every one of us...in your case...think of the good you could do for others by being able to lead them through the same journey and to help them understand that they are loved...they've just been too busy and too self pre-occupied to put the attention and effort toward this.

I already really like you just from what you've posted...think of the joy and affection you could bring to someone if you just put half the effort into that as you've put into trying to validate yourself through education and work.

Chin up Boo Boo.

We're all on your side.

 

[Jacy]

Thanks guys for all of the replies. It does help to talk about it and I figured I've got nothing to loose.

Are you "out" to people/family about being gay, or is everyone just presuming you are, but you never admitted/"embraced" it?

I am not out to anyone in my family except for two of my cousins (basically best friends) and some circles of friends. Although, I've told them that I am bi, as most people do. I do appreciate females of course, just not feelin' the attraction anymore like I used to do way back when. Everyone else presumes it probably, but I haven't confirmed anything to anyone, so...

What stories do you guys have about your lives? How does it feel when you're on "the right path"? At 22, I can sometimes feel like 100 (obviously, I know nothing yet, I believe that I've just begun) and a bit weary to put myself out there. Heck, even writing this thread was scary enough, just sat myself down and wrote what I felt. One step at a time I guess =)

 

[Rolyo85]

My life was full on repression, not even thinking about anything sexual to avoid dealing with the fact that I had zero attraction to girls and a raging boner for boys.

Everything for me changed when I faced it and came out to the world. It was a sudden weight that just disappeared from my shoulders. Everything changed. If you look for the topics that I've started on this subforum, you'll find my story in more detail. That's why I think coming out to everyone - and especially the family - is key to finding out who we are as a person, and build your new personality from there.