Those damn straight boys...

[basdelesprit]

TL;DR - Straight coworker is flirting with me, I think he’s just confused, da fuq do I do?

So I recently got a new job, and there’s this really awesome guy I work with, John. First off, I’m pretty openly gay, no one asks, no one needs to really talk about it, it’s a topic that’s just there, it’s out in the open and all my family, friends, and coworkers are cool with it. I work at a movie theatre, so it’s not uncommon for employees to hangout there on the off time, because, hey, free movies.

John has said over and over again that he’s straight, he’s had a couple of girlfriends before (but we never really talk about previous encounters or sex because it’s our own business), and is incredibly handsome, but I have this fairly odd feeling that he is flirting with me. I’ve automatically put him in the friend zone, but I already have a slight crush on him. This isn’t my first rodeo. I’ve had a lot of boys claim that they were “straight” flirt with me, one I even dated for a bit, but then we called it off because he moved three states away for school.

When you work at a movie theatre, coworkers tend to hangout a lot. We party together, drink together, stay up well after dawn the next day, and yes, some people even sleep together not really gauging the consequences. At one of these parties, I got ambushed with a group hug walking through the door, my best friend hugged me, then another, then John. John would hold on just a little bit longer than the “3-second Rule” hug.

When dining out he would try to sit next to me, someone he’s only known for six months, rather than his best friend he’s known for three years. I would receive text in the middle of the day asking if I would like to play Minecraft with him (“Cool, just friends, dude, no need to take anything seriously.”). We play with three other people, with rather open schedules but instead he would only ask me (“Fuck.”).

When I sometimes host parties, after everyone else had left he would stay for just a little while longer. (“He’s just being a good friend, nothing to it, just helping me clean up a little bit of mess so I wouldn’t have to worry about it as much tomorrow.”).

I would talk about how I haven’t seen a movie and then he would ask me if I
would like to see it with him (“FUCK!”), I didn’t think anything of it because it was just a thing we do, there isn’t a need to read anything into it. Sometimes when we do go see a movie, a girl is tagged along with him, she says that her and him are “just friends” (“Yes, yes we are.”).

Other times he would ask about our work schedules then want to hangout when we had a day off. Just me (“Fuck.”). I would find myself spending time with him, alone, for five hours in his basement just talking, or staying there until 5am just watching Youtube videos (sometimes his female friend will show up). I find this weird since he has a load more friends and drinking buddies that he could easily hung out with on a Saturday night.

I don’t know what to do with this boy. I’m getting so many mixed signals that it’s becoming nauseating. Whenever something like this happens, I usually shrugged it off, wait the storm out, sit until one of us loses interest or his attention is shifted. I have a slight crush on him, and I think he might be confused or maybe he likes the attention when I flirt back (which I feel that I’m totally in the wrong to do). I’m trying not to flirt, but I’m a guy with dick godammit.

At work I’ll see him flirt with other girls, one in particular who is 17 (He’s nearing 23, I just turned 20). I don’t know if this is an act to try and get me jealous, since I have no idea how the two act towards one another when I’m not there.

I avoid conversations with him sometimes, this could last up for days, just to give him a slight break so he can maybe do some thinking, because I know where I stand on this situation (well.. mostly). I feel that if this goes on, both of us will walk out of this friendship burned.

Any advice?

 

[anchihiro]

Well if all your activities wth him were with a girl instead would you be thinking she has an agenda? Or is it wishful thinking on your behalf.

As for the work thing, i used to work and run a cinema. I had straight guys hugging me, flirting with me and holding my hand on the way to the office lol. I never read anything into it. Some guys are just like that and typically gay guys read more into it.

 

[Scottyboi]

I gotta admit I'm a little puzzled here as well. At the very least, this guy likes you in the sense that he *really* wants to be your friend. But I admit...if he's spending every Saturday night trying to hang with just you and hang out alone with you after parties maybe it is more? or maybe he's just being really polite?

Either way I'd assume he's hitting on those girls not to make you jealous but because he's legitimately hitting on them.

I suppose one way to get the issue out there, one way or another, is to tell him that you'd like to be his friend but its hard to only think of him as a friend when he sends these mixed signals.

 

[looseliam]

I don't see anything from what you've told that screams he's into you.

You enjoy his company, and he yours. I'd leave it like that.

@Scottyboi - love the avatar!

 

[jstud]

Are you attracted to him? Why don't you just tell him that and see how he reacts?

 

[hackingnomberr]

Are you attracted to him? Why don't you just tell him that and see how he reacts?

That would probably be harmful to the friendship.

OP:
I think you're letting your attraction to him make you think he might be into you in some way. Don't get your hopes up at all, just be friends and take it as it is. And stop flirting, because that's just gonna make things worse. Besides maybe he just likes the attention.

 

[KaraBulut]

He just sounds like one of those needy people who hate being alone.

But this isn't really about whether he's gay or straight... it's about the crush you have on him, right?

 

[texan_slant]

Seriously, unless he makes a move on you, and mind you, the ball is in his court since he knows that you're gay, I wouldn't assume that he has a thing for you.
My internal rule is this - unless otherwise indicated assume they are straight.

Maybe he just needs a friend; SO treat it as such.

Even so, even if it's just a BROmance, and you don't want him as a friend, either you have to ignore it, and turn down his requests to hang out, or just be a friend and have fun with it.

Sometimes, straights know that you're gay, and just like to fish for attention.

So, the ball is in your court.

 

[evanrick]

i think hes being greedy. he is wanting all his needs satisfied but has no interest in yours.

just a typical (yes im generalizing) straight guy looking for easy ego-stroking.

if you are going to continue to prop him up emotionally at your expense, you are in for a rocky one-sided friendship.

i have no doubt in my mind this is the prerogative of many "straight" men who use gay men as emotional wastebaskets because they are easy prey.

the only way i can see this helping you is if

-he makes you tired of always being there for him and
-drive you into the arms of a real guy who will actually care about you

i experience the same thing where i work and have posted about those encounters here.

i think its no coincidence that some men have used this tactic for their own selfishness or god knows what reason.

and yea you "Avoid conversations with him"
100% sign this is what is going on. i know exactly how you feel.

if you are not getting anything out of him other than some nearly impossible fantasy, why should it continue?
these guys are right, the ball is in his court, he has to start reciprocating. but from a straight man? why not date a woman?

believe me, the guys here will tell you shouldnt take things further with this guy, you are avoiding this guy, but now at least you understand why.

now you just need a boyfriend then you will see how long it takes him to move on....

 

[littlephoenix]

he says he's straight.
he knows your gay.

personally, I'd treat it like any other friendship unless he makes a first move.

i couldn't agree more

 

[trikky]

from what you said OP I cannot see that this is a bad thing. The guy is sending you lots of signals he is straight, and as he knows you're gay if he wanted to flirt etc or was gay then he would be more likely to be more open imo. I think it's great that you have such an accepting friend who wants to hang out with you. Also I think because straight guys generally are less affectionate sometimes straight guys like the fact that they feel they can be more affectionate around a gay friend. It's his move, and I would just treat him as a friend unless he makes a move. If he does then you have to decide how to respond and where you want it to go, but messing with co workers is messy.

 

[SayWhat]

I'm going to agree with a few people that there hasn't really been enough concrete evidence to say "Definitely go for it!!"

I'd let it play out and see if he steps up his game. But if it gets to the point that it's tormenting you or straining your friendship, talk to him about it.

Don't wait until you lose yourself in the fantasy before you put your foot down. It'll just be harder to walk away from at that point.

Good luck!!!

 

[Seasoned]

It's not your imagination. He's playing with you possibly to feed his ego. It seems, from what you have observed, he does this with females as well. If the sexual tension is all one sided it creates frustration and possibly at times obsession on your part. It's not healthy to be in those modes with no outlet. You may have to start turning down invitations from him just to protect yourself.

The fact that you work with him means that any overt move by either of you could lead to the gossip mill making the work environment untenable.

It does strike me as odd that he's not dating or hanging with straight buds.

 

[BoiOnFire]

^^^^^ What really struck me was this (fag hag) he has tagging along....most of the straight guys I've ever known may have had friends who were girls but didn't spend alot of time hanging out with them, other than a bar or party setting. As far as the "bromance" you have going with him thats the price you have to pay with him if you want him in your life....others have said what do you get out of it? If you have a friend who is affectionate and supportive then just rein in that little gay voice telling you he's into you. If on the other hand he uses you and gives nothing in return then cut him out of your life....worse comes to worse I'm sure theres another move theater you can work in.