Thoughts on an ex.

[landers]

Back in November I met the man of my dreams and fell in love. Unfortunately I was not the man of his dreams and he ended our romantic relationship in April but, said that he would still like to be friends. Given that the worst thing he ever did to me was break up with me I decided to give friendship a try. I knew it would take time for me to get over my feelings for him and develop new ones based on friendship but I think I've managed to do that.

Recently however I've been feeling kind of used by him. It seems like he wants some parts of a relationship but not all of them and I feel like he's keeping me around to fulfill those parts. I know I should probably talk to him about this but I have been feeling a little down lately and I want to wait until I feel a bit more level headed to talk to him just to make sure what I'm feeling is real and not just a product of being bummed out.

Until then, any thoughts/advice?

 

[hopnung]

It's tough trying to be friend with an ex. I've tried with all of mine, but I've realized that most of them are just plain stupid, and as much as I have tried, it's almost a lost cause. Only one do I really want to be friends with because I still love him and care for him - and I know he's going through a lot of things right now - but that aside, he abandoned me out of the blue.... a pussy move, if you will.

That being said, I don't really know if it's even entirely possible to salvage a friendship from a relationship. Both of them (a relationship and a friendship) are double sided - and if he's confusing the two/meshing them then that's not cool.

If you still care for him, you should tell him how you feel - if you don't, then tell that to him. Since you're half of the friendship, you need to talk to him and set "ground rules" and tell him that you're feeling used. If he's a human being, he will understand and accommodate your feelings.

I'd give it time and see where he stands. If you leave it alone for a little while and he doesn't make a move to be friends and you don't hear from him, then you know that he's not all that invested in salvaging a relationship. If he contacts you, etc. then work from there.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>Recently however I've been feeling kind of used by him. It seems like he wants some parts of a relationship but not all of them and I feel like he's keeping me around to fulfill those parts.

In a sense, that's what all "let's stay friends" relationships are, right? Someone doesn't want the romantic/physical/"boyfriend" part of the relationship, but wants to keep some other part - someone to tell their troubles to, or talk about boys with, or go out partying with. But just as he's made stipulations on the relationship, so can you. If you'd rather not be his psychiatrist, or gossip friend, or party sidekick, you're totally free to say "I'd rather not do that".

Lex

 

[mac_twck]

They are an ex for a reason.

Personally when someones says I am not what they are looking for I delete them. You can not go back, you can not turn off how you feel so why torture yourself?

 

[KaraBulut]

Where this is going and whether it is healthy depends on what is actually happening here.

Sometimes two people get along very well as friends but just can't make an emotional commitment beyond friendship. Sometimes the sex is great but they don't get along as well out of bed, so the sex keeps going long after the relationship has ended.

"Sex with the ex" is fine as long as everyone understands the rules. However, if the breakup wasn't a mutual decision and the decision wasn't mutually made to be friends or fuckbuddies or whatever the situation, then your boyfriend is getting the benefits without any of the emotional commitments.

The two of you need to talk. He had his chance to be with you and he blew it. Keep in mind that you have an equal part in the decision-making in whatever the two of you decide to be in the future.

In the end, do what is best for you.

 

[EvilForce]

I have a very firm, non negotiable policy of never, ever, ever sleeping with an ex which has served me well.

 

[landers]

Where this is going and whether it is healthy depends on what is actually happening here.

Sometimes two people get along very well as friends but just can't make an emotional commitment beyond friendship. Sometimes the sex is great but they don't get along as well out of bed, so the sex keeps going long after the relationship has ended.

"Sex with the ex" is fine as long as everyone understands the rules. However, if the breakup wasn't a mutual decision and the decision wasn't mutually made to be friends or fuckbuddies or whatever the situation, then your boyfriend is getting the benefits without any of the emotional commitments.

The two of you need to talk. He had his chance to be with you and he blew it. Keep in mind that you have an equal part in the decision-making in whatever the two of you decide to be in the future.

In the end, do what is best for you.

This isn't a friends with benefits kind of friendship, it's more the kind that Lex described with me being his confidante.

Thanks for the advice, it never occurred to me that I'd been letting the ex dictate the terms of our friendship but I have and it does need to change. Wish me luck.

 

[KaraBulut]

This isn't a friends with benefits kind of friendship, it's more the kind that Lex described with me being his confidante.

Thanks for the advice, it never occurred to me that I'd been letting the ex dictate the terms of our friendship but I have and it does need to change. Wish me luck.

From your original post, it was hard to determine whether this was a confidante or a sex-with-the-ex situation.

There's nothing wrong with being on good terms with an ex. It's certainly better than the alternative of being bitter and angry.

The question for you is whether it is a reciprocal friendship- if you are there for him, is he also there for you?

In every relationship, you have the right to have input into decision-making- whether it be with a friend, boyfriend, a fuck buddy or a partner. Not every decision is a perfect 50-50 but there shouldn't be cases where the other person is calling the shots and controlling the terms of the relationship while you passively accept it.

The term "fair-weather friend" exists for a reason. There are lots of people out there who are your friend when they need you. The true test is whether they are still around when you need them.

In the case of your ex, it sounds like you should have a discussion about what you're feeling. If this guy is your friend, then you should be able to talk about the fact that you're feeling down and you're feeling that you're the one giving emotional support. This is a time when you need someone else to give you support. If the ex isn't going to be there for you, then this is not a real friendship.

 

[Syn]

My boyfriend just broke up with me and he wants to remain friends. I'm finding it very hard as I'm now entering the angry stage of our departure and I'm still in love with him and don't know what to do...

 

[KaraBulut]

My boyfriend just broke up with me and he wants to remain friends. I'm finding it very hard as I'm now entering the angry stage of our departure and I'm still in love with him and don't know what to do...

Tell your ex that you need Give yourself time and space to deal with your hurt and anger. Stay in touch. Be friends when you're ready.

 

[Syn]

Yeah, I just have to be comfortable with myself because I'm used to being with him and just him.

My best friend says if he's the one that he will come back...don't know if i believe that.

 

[Syn]

Yeah, I'm still getting that tugging feeling whenever I think about him and until I don't anymore I don't know if I can see him.

 

[pausanias_usa]

(I have a habit of turning off my feelings where guys are concerned)

If you could bottle that up and sell it, I think you could make a mint.

Unless there are side-effects, of course!