Thoughts on sexuality please

[Curio39er]

So I’ve never spoken to anyone about this, not even my therapist, and have always kept this as a private part of my psychological make up, thinking it’s ok to be this way and I can live with and accept it as just a part of me.

I’m 43 and married with 3 kids (1 from a past relationship). I’m a committed and loving dad and husband. When I started masturbating as a teen it was always over females, looking at pics of women in lingerie in catalogues etc, that kinda stuff. I think when I was about 16 or 17 we got the internet for the first time and I found chat groups and was intrigued by the gay chat options. I started chatting with older gay men on chat groups and it made me very horny, and I think a big part of it was because it felt like they were interested in me in the same way straight horny guys would try and chat up and pursue women, if you get me. It was nice and arousing feeling desired. The first proper gay pics I saw were sent to me by an older guy I was chatting to, and I emptied many loads looking at those pics.

In terms of my attraction, I find women hot as fuck. If I’m out I find it hard to not look at hot women that walks past, and am particularly attracted to a nice female butt. The shape, the look, they’re like a drug to me. I’ve always been a bum guy. I love looking at beautiful women, and if I’m on IG for example that’s what I’m looking at. I can’t remember a time in my life when I looked at a man in my day to day movements and thought ‘he’s hot, I’d love to get in his pants’. I do admire the male form, but mostly from a gym and fitness perspective where I’m appreciating the hard work a guy has put in to build a good physique. In the gym, I’m not looking at dudes sexually at all, but hot women in gym Lycra… yes!

Now, here’s the thing… My porn use has mostly centred around lesbian and gay porn, and almost never would I choose to watch straight porn, unless it was cuckold with guys watching their wives being taken care of. Again, no idea what psychology is going on there! I also love women’s underwear and have on occasion worn panties when I’m home alone. It makes me horny. When I was in my early 20’s, and at this point I was in a relationship, I felt frustrated with the classic not getting enough sex scenario, I would watch a lot of gay porn and it was around this time that I had my first Skype wank with another guy. Again, this was an older guy, probably in his 50’s, and I was nervous as hell. When the call started, we couldn’t see each others faces, he was just standing in front of his camera with his fat chubby in his hand and my cock just got crazy hard. Watching him stroke, knowing he was aroused by looking at my dick was really exciting and just made me feel very desired and sexy. He was also quite dom and was telling me what to do! He told me to turn around on my knees with my ass in the air, and I did and just kept wanking my dick which was so hard it was painful. When I looked round at the screen he was pushing his cock towards his camera so I could see his cock close up, like he was trying to fuck me, and I just erupted and came everywhere. It was extremely hot!
I had maybe a few more, less satisfying Skype wanks after that, but it was sporadic and I continued watching lesbian and gay porn, and just living my life!with the usual sexual disappointments.

Fast forward, this pattern has mostly stayed the same. My porn use and preferences haven’t changed. Love watching gay daddies and grandpas, especially with younger 20’s guys etc. I seem to like chubby daddies and grandpas to get off to. I love watching gays get fucked and riding cock, and I enjoy watching cruising vids and public restroom stuff. I also love lesbian porn and watching hot girls finger and eat each other, and kissing! Gay and lesbian kissing, as long as it’s passionate is hot.

Because I’m married I don’t Skype wank as I feel that’s unfaithful, but the desire to is certainly there. I have exchanged pics once with a guy when I was feeling extremely frustrated, and have also posted some naughty pics once here for the same reason. Reading the comments and PM’s I got made me really horny! My sex life is the cliche, once or twice a month and very standard, missionary, and not all that exciting. Oral, like on my birthday, maybe! And yes I have spoken to my wife countless times about it. We’re a good couple and communicate well, but it hasn’t changed anything with our sex life.

I have tried to justify my gay urges and porn use by telling myself it keeps me somewhat sexually taken care of because my sex life is rubbish, and truth be told I’d love to do some video wanks and just feel desired again in that way. For me, though not ideal, watching porn and masturbating is better than succumbing to temptation and straying. I couldn’t do that to my family. Having a few gay wanks, especially to be told what to do again and feel like I’m owned and there for there for his pleasure would be hot!

So what do you guys think. Am I gay, bi, just frustrated, maybe slightly trans. I literally have no idea. Or maybe I just have my own daddy issues, ha.

It feels somewhat good to get this all out though. Its been my secret and mental prison for a long time.

 

[hagTreehouse]

I know how you feel C. I started younger with you but with a neighbor guy. We sucked, butt fucked, played with each other. But we always talked about girls while being homos. I always felt the female form is the hottest thing on earth. Girls are so soft, their hair s

 

[BiBtm64]

What you describe is quite common, I think, and I can totally relate.

You’re very clearly attracted to women — emotionally, physically, romantically, and sexually. That part of your identity seems solid and natural to you. You admire women, you notice them, and your real-life sexual experiences and desires lean heavily toward them. You’ve also built a family and a life with a woman, and feel strongly connected in that way. You’re not emotionally or romantically attracted to men. You're simply sexually aroused by male genitalia and certain sexual dynamics.

There might be an element of seeking validation, attention, and being wanted in a sexual way. A strong feeling for many of us who seek or fantasize about male sex is the desire to be desired, to feel seen as a sexual being, to feel that your body, your arousal, your presence, is something someone else actively craves. In many straight relationships, particularly over time or in low-libido partnerships, men often find themselves doing the pursuing, managing rejection, suppressing desire, and initiating, but not feeling desired back.

This can create a psychological imbalance where you feel like sex is something you're always asking for, not something you're invited into. That erodes sexual confidence and, over time, the sense of being sexually valid or desirable. So, when you're getting that "you're wanted" energy from your wife, the brain and body will start to seek it elsewhere, often through fantasy or porn. That's just filling a void. It's stronger in you now, but it seems to have started before your marriage and sexual frustrations and your current experiences are bringing your feelings more to the surface. As a young man, you may not have been getting a satisfying level of sexual attention and you wanted to be wanted, chased, or commanded by older, confident men, and this may have met a powerful emotional and sexual need. That’s might not be all about orientation, more about validation, approval, and being seen and wanted.

You ask about sexuality. You seem from everything you say to be functionally and romantically straight, with a bi-curious or bisexual leaning. You are predominantly straight because you’re romantically, emotionally, and physically attracted to women. You fantasize about women in your daily life, in real-life interactions, and you’re drawn to their bodies instinctively. You’ve never felt real-life sexual or romantic attraction toward men you encounter. You’ve built your real-life sexual and emotional attachments around women, not men. So your orientation, your core sexual compass, still points to women.
You also have a bisexual side because You’re turned on by penises and gay porn, but not by men in general. You enjoy the idea of being desired, dominated, and objectified by another man, especially older, assertive "daddies", which fits more into fetish and power play, not broad sexual orientation. Your arousal is tied to specific dynamics (being submissive, being watched, being validated) rather than a general attraction to men.

One term if you need a label might be heteroflexible (mostly straight, with some same-sex arousal). On on the bisexual spectrum. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what you call yourself. All that matters is that you're okay with it, and it doesn't affect your marriage or your other real life relationships.

I think you should bring it to your therapist if you feel you can trust them. They know you better than any of us, and they're qualified to give the sorts of answers and ask the questions that will help you. Ultimately that's up to you, happy to talk more here if it helps you unpack what's in your head.

 

[Curio39er]

What you describe is quite common, I think, and I can totally relate.

You’re very clearly attracted to women — emotionally, physically, romantically, and sexually. That part of your identity seems solid and natural to you. You admire women, you notice them, and your real-life sexual experiences and desires lean heavily toward them. You’ve also built a family and a life with a woman, and feel strongly connected in that way. You’re not emotionally or romantically attracted to men. You're simply sexually aroused by male genitalia and certain sexual dynamics.

There might be an element of seeking validation, attention, and being wanted in a sexual way. A strong feeling for many of us who seek or fantasize about male sex is the desire to be desired, to feel seen as a sexual being, to feel that your body, your arousal, your presence, is something someone else actively craves. In many straight relationships, particularly over time or in low-libido partnerships, men often find themselves doing the pursuing, managing rejection, suppressing desire, and initiating, but not feeling desired back.

This can create a psychological imbalance where you feel like sex is something you're always asking for, not something you're invited into. That erodes sexual confidence and, over time, the sense of being sexually valid or desirable. So, when you're getting that "you're wanted" energy from your wife, the brain and body will start to seek it elsewhere, often through fantasy or porn. That's just filling a void. It's stronger in you now, but it seems to have started before your marriage and sexual frustrations and your current experiences are bringing your feelings more to the surface. As a young man, you may not have been getting a satisfying level of sexual attention and you wanted to be wanted, chased, or commanded by older, confident men, and this may have met a powerful emotional and sexual need. That’s might not be all about orientation, more about validation, approval, and being seen and wanted.

You ask about sexuality. You seem from everything you say to be functionally and romantically straight, with a bi-curious or bisexual leaning. You are predominantly straight because you’re romantically, emotionally, and physically attracted to women. You fantasize about women in your daily life, in real-life interactions, and you’re drawn to their bodies instinctively. You’ve never felt real-life sexual or romantic attraction toward men you encounter. You’ve built your real-life sexual and emotional attachments around women, not men. So your orientation, your core sexual compass, still points to women.
You also have a bisexual side because You’re turned on by penises and gay porn, but not by men in general. You enjoy the idea of being desired, dominated, and objectified by another man, especially older, assertive "daddies", which fits more into fetish and power play, not broad sexual orientation. Your arousal is tied to specific dynamics (being submissive, being watched, being validated) rather than a general attraction to men.

One term if you need a label might be heteroflexible (mostly straight, with some same-sex arousal). On on the bisexual spectrum. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what you call yourself. All that matters is that you're okay with it, and it doesn't affect your marriage or your other real life relationships.

I think you should bring it to your therapist if you feel you can trust them. They know you better than any of us, and they're qualified to give the sorts of answers and ask the questions that will help you. Ultimately that's up to you, happy to talk more here if it helps you unpack what's in your head.

That’s a really interesting reply and I appreciate you for writing it. Everything you say makes sense, and I think is very accurate. Generally I don’t feel sexually desired by my wife, but also understand the sexual dynamic in my marriage is very very normal, probably for most hetero couples based on what I read and what I’ve discussed with my wife and other friends over the years, both male and female.

I am a sexual person. I love sex. I masturbate daily, and want to be physically intimate with another person. The gay/bi side of my arousal definitely comes from being pursued, wanted and objectified, and I think that’s where my interest in underwear comes from. To feel sexy and imagine an older daddy guy looking at me, being unable to control his need to touch me and take gets me really aroused. Just writing this is making me hard and I want to cum while thinking about an older man ‘man-handling’ me and pawing at my body and my cock because he needs to have me. That’s hot. But I think, as you say, a lot of that is down to validation and feeling wanted.

Penises and balls are hot, and maybe that’s the male power things again. To think about this at being used to take makes me feel submissive and wanted. One thing I forgot to mention in my initial post was that I find trans girls extremely sexy! To the point where I’ve often felt if I wasn’t married I’d look to date one. The female form with a penis. Pictures of beautiful girls with a bulge in their panties is just almost perfection at times. I guess that validates a few points too. But, that’s more me in pursuit again. I guess I also assume that trans girls would desire sex in the same way, so a best of both worlds scenario, but the gay side and wanting to be lusted over by an older man is strong.

Would love to chat more with you as tbh this has been really helpful. I’ve never been able to talk to anyone about this so it’s been an often overwhelming but always complex thing to try to process myself… for all of my teen and adult life.

 

[hagTreehouse]

As they say on CSpan I would like to revise and extend my comments.

I know how you feel about your desire for dick while the male body is not what turns you on. I’m 20 years older and come from a different perspective when it comes to labels.

The current state of LGBTQRSTUVWXYZ+ to a late boomer like me is really, I’m gonna say it…so stupid. I advise you to not get drawn into this “what am I?” labeling or at the very least trying to label yourself. You have, as the last poster indicated a desire. Because a need of yours is not being met. It’s really nothing more than that. You’re lucky because you say you communicate well with your wife. I’m curious is conversation about sexual attraction part of that conversation? Or is it, like, in my generation something wifey can Not know about?

I also sincerely applaud you on your fidelity to your wife, as you stated, you have not acted on these desires. It does seem to perhaps further your frustration on this front as you are beating off to these fantasies. Access to these images is so fucking easy now. When I grew up, you had to find somebodies secret stash; Or go to a dirty book store to get images (moving or still) of these sexual proclivities. Which had its own shameful aspects.

The pressure of how one is perceived has always been a part of human nature. The current attitude is more forefront now than ever. Because identity is just so in our face in all aspects of life. Even the signature line of an email has to include he/she/it designation so there’s no doubt what you think your sexual identity is.

Now I don’t mean to be Abe Simpson here but ..
“Back in my day” or more importantly when I was growing up. The attitude of identity be it race, sexual orientation, or creed was dealt with through humor and bullying. Two things that are now part of cancel culture. Now, do you think I’m saying that ethnic, sexual, and religious jokes are great. No, but we had this defense mechanism as a way to deal with identity crisis. In today’s world identity is something that must be on your name tag for all to see. To which my response living in something that is a polar opposite of my growing up. I feel my generation could roll with the punches and not nearly be as sensitive and outraged at every little fucking thing as these times are!

I also mentioned bullying. I found if someone wanted to shame me by calling me a faggot, I’d agree with them. Nothing scared a bully more than you not being offended, scared, or threatened by their bullying. Today the approach is different.

I’ve already gone too long here. Suffice it to say, you probably asked the internet a question that led you here to JUB. I love this site because it’s a non judgemental place of intelligent discourse regarding the impulses of the male mind. Not to be trite, but, we’re here for you. Let the conversation continue.

 

[Curio39er]

As they say on CSpan I would like to revise and extend my comments.

I know how you feel about your desire for dick while the male body is not what turns you on. I’m 20 years older and come from a different perspective when it comes to labels.

The current state of LGBTQRSTUVWXYZ+ to a late boomer like me is really, I’m gonna say it…so stupid. I advise you to not get drawn into this “what am I?” labeling or at the very least trying to label yourself. You have, as the last poster indicated a desire. Because a need of yours is not being met. It’s really nothing more than that. You’re lucky because you say you communicate well with your wife. I’m curious is conversation about sexual attraction part of that conversation? Or is it, like, in my generation something wifey can Not know about?

I also sincerely applaud you on your fidelity to your wife, as you stated, you have not acted on these desires. It does seem to perhaps further your frustration on this front as you are beating off to these fantasies. Access to these images is so fucking easy now. When I grew up, you had to find somebodies secret stash; Or go to a dirty book store to get images (moving or still) of these sexual proclivities. Which had its own shameful aspects.

The pressure of how one is perceived has always been a part of human nature. The current attitude is more forefront now than ever. Because identity is just so in our face in all aspects of life. Even the signature line of an email has to include he/she/it designation so there’s no doubt what you think your sexual identity is.

Now I don’t mean to be Abe Simpson here but ..
“Back in my day” or more importantly when I was growing up. The attitude of identity be it race, sexual orientation, or creed was dealt with through humor and bullying. Two things that are now part of cancel culture. Now, do you think I’m saying that ethnic, sexual, and religious jokes are great. No, but we had this defense mechanism as a way to deal with identity crisis. In today’s world identity is something that must be on your name tag for all to see. To which my response living in something that is a polar opposite of my growing up. I feel my generation could roll with the punches and not nearly be as sensitive and outraged at every little fucking thing as these times are!

I also mentioned bullying. I found if someone wanted to shame me by calling me a faggot, I’d agree with them. Nothing scared a bully more than you not being offended, scared, or threatened by their bullying. Today the approach is different.

I’ve already gone too long here. Suffice it to say, you probably asked the internet a question that led you here to JUB. I love this site because it’s a non judgemental place of intelligent discourse regarding the impulses of the male mind. Not to be trite, but, we’re here for you. Let the conversation continue.

Thank you. A really interesting and helpful reply and I appreciate it.

It’s certainly a very different world now, and this will lead to many more people questioning and being curious about their sexual preferences and identity. Before it was a much more complicated period to decide whether to be open about one’s attractions, as you say, because this could lead to prejudice or worse.

I’m happy to accept my sexual desires, and don’t hate myself for them. But I do struggle with how to manage them in a hetero marriage, and more so struggle with the complexity of trying to find alignment between a male and females sexual needs. I love gay and trans porn. I got fulfilment from being desired by men during video sessions, and would happily indulge that more to satisfy that need in me, but feel it is not moral or in the boundary of true fidelity. Having said that, many (mostly women perhaps) would say that watching porn is cheating or immoral. Who the the fuck knows! I sure would like to let a few more daddies lust over me stroking my cock that’s for sure. Gets me hard just typing it to you.

 

[hagTreehouse]

It is a quandary. It’s good that you accept yourself in this. You’re just looking for that age old question,”is it just me?”
And Trans are HAWT right? Boobs, cock, and long flowing tresses. Best of all worlds!

 

[BiBtm64]

That’s a really interesting reply and I appreciate you for writing it. Everything you say makes sense, and I think is very accurate. Generally I don’t feel sexually desired by my wife, but also understand the sexual dynamic in my marriage is very very normal, probably for most hetero couples based on what I read and what I’ve discussed with my wife and other friends over the years, both male and female.

I am a sexual person. I love sex. I masturbate daily, and want to be physically intimate with another person. The gay/bi side of my arousal definitely comes from being pursued, wanted and objectified, and I think that’s where my interest in underwear comes from. To feel sexy and imagine an older daddy guy looking at me, being unable to control his need to touch me and take gets me really aroused. Just writing this is making me hard and I want to cum while thinking about an older man ‘man-handling’ me and pawing at my body and my cock because he needs to have me. That’s hot. But I think, as you say, a lot of that is down to validation and feeling wanted.

Penises and balls are hot, and maybe that’s the male power things again. To think about this at being used to take makes me feel submissive and wanted. One thing I forgot to mention in my initial post was that I find trans girls extremely sexy! To the point where I’ve often felt if I wasn’t married I’d look to date one. The female form with a penis. Pictures of beautiful girls with a bulge in their panties is just almost perfection at times. I guess that validates a few points too. But, that’s more me in pursuit again. I guess I also assume that trans girls would desire sex in the same way, so a best of both worlds scenario, but the gay side and wanting to be lusted over by an older man is strong.

Would love to chat more with you as tbh this has been really helpful. I’ve never been able to talk to anyone about this so it’s been an often overwhelming but always complex thing to try to process myself… for all of my teen and adult life.

That's interesting that you're attracted to trans girls, which seems to be a quite different dynamic going on in your head to older dominant men. What do you imagine yourself doing with a trans girl if you had the opportunity to have sex with her?

It's interesting because I feel the same, and I can understand that we're similar in many ways. The attraction for me is also a female form with a penis. As a bottom, I like to fantasize about receiving from a trans girl with a big dick (have you checked out (Daisy Taylor and Other Tgirls where we post some pictures and discuss fantasies?). The thought of a smooth, rounded female body up against mine, with hard penis using me, is a major turn-on for me. Anyway, enough about me. I thought I'd tell you this to gauge how it relates to your fantasies.

Penis and balls are hot, indeed, and a hard penis can signify power and domination, if you (we) want to see it that way. It's enjoyable to submit, to feel like the submissive, but also it's liberating in a sense. As men we're conditioned to take the lead, whether that be in the bedroom or in daily life generally. It's a totally different thing to let go and submit, and be guided, even used.

You say that you don't feel sexually desired by your wife, and you're a sexual person, you love sex, and want to be intimate with a person. Of course you do, you're only 43, in the prime of your life. You seem to be framing your bisexual side as a by-product of your sexless marriage but I would suggest that this underlying desire has been part of you since a young age, and is now surfacing more in you because of your circumstances and your desire for intimacy. If you can accept that about yourself, and not beat yourself up or feel ashamed about it, and enjoy the porn and fantasies, then you're doing fine.

Where do you see it all heading? Will you stay in your marriage and keep living a sexless life or are you deep down considering exploring?

 

[ricksvca]

I don't think you are gay. I would say that you are bi-curious. I am bisexual and gay porn does nothing for me. I do get turned on by straight porn, girl on girl and transsexual porn when a woman is involved with the transsexual man.

I had my first experience with a man when I was 22 when I let a man give me a hand job in a straight porn theater. I did not go to the porn theater looking for this experience. I had a GF at the time but she went to a college about 75 miles away from where I lived so we only saw each other on weekends during the school year. This was before VCRs so I would go to this straight porn theater and masturbate while watching the movie to relieve my sexual tension. This time a man came and sat down next to me. This had never ever happened before and rather than move to another seat I decided to stay where I was. A few minutes later a feeling came over me and I had an overwhelming urge to give my cock to this man and have him touch me. I rubbed my cock thru my jeans and the next thing I knew he pushed his knee against mine and I pushed back. I opened up my 501 jeans all the way and his hand immediately came over. He went straight for the pee hole of my boxers and pulled my cock out.. I was already hard from watching the movie when he set down next to me. He proceeded to play with my cock,, stroking me while using my precum as lube and eventually i came. It was an extremely intense orgasm and I nearly came out of my seat when I started squirting. As soon as I was done cumming he got up and left. It took me a long time to process this experience and to try to understand what it meant and why I had acted the way I did. I totally considered myself straight up to this point. Three years later I went to SF (I live in LA) with the sole purpose of going to a bathhouse there and finding a suitable man to hook up with and give a blowjob to. I met a man in the sauna and I told him I wanted to suck his cock. We went to his room and I touched my first cock and gave my first BJ. I knew right away that I loved touching and sucking his cock and balls. I wanted the full experience of giving a man a BJ so I had him cum in my mouth and I swallowed his cum. When he was done cummming I left his room and the bathhouse. Nine month later I decided to go to a bathhouse in West Hollywood to find out what it was like to have a man give me a BJ. I hooked up with a young man around my age (26) and I received my first BJ from a man. Like with the hand job in the porn theater, it was incredible how good it felt and after about 15 minutes I came in his mouth. I then sucked him off with him cumming in my mouth.

I think it is important to mention that I have never kissed a man or been kissed by a man and I have absolutely no desire to do so. I have had anal sex as a bottom which I found very enjoyable but I only engage in when the chemistry with a man is right. My favorite activity by far with a man is giving him a very long slow wet sensual BJ that ends with him cumming in my mouth. I have mentioned my early sexual encounters with men because it is one thing to fantasize about having sex with a man or getting turned on my watching gay porn, etc. than it is to actually have sex with a man and dealing with what the effects of doing so means emotionally and psychologically afterwards. You will notice that it took four years for me to have these three experiences.

After this experience I knew I was bisexual and that In the future I would occasionally want to engage in sex with a man. I did not hate myself but accepted the fact that this was the way I was and I could either enjoy an occasional sexual experience with a man or go crazy denying that part of my sexual make up. I decided not to wonder how or why I was bi or feel guilty about it. I have always been attracted to women and all of my actual relationships have been with women. I would never ever have a "relationship" with a man that wasn't just sexual. I had just such a relationship with a very good friend of mine who is gay for 15 years. It was an, off and on situation that was extremely satisfying. He is the ONLY person that I have ever been open with and talked to at length about my bisexual side and activities.

I think BiBtm64 gave you an excellent response.

​

 

[Curio39er]

That's interesting that you're attracted to trans girls, which seems to be a quite different dynamic going on in your head to older dominant men. What do you imagine yourself doing with a trans girl if you had the opportunity to have sex with her?

It's interesting because I feel the same, and I can understand that we're similar in many ways. The attraction for me is also a female form with a penis. As a bottom, I like to fantasize about receiving from a trans girl with a big dick (have you checked out (Daisy Taylor and Other Tgirls where we post some pictures and discuss fantasies?). The thought of a smooth, rounded female body up against mine, with hard penis using me, is a major turn-on for me. Anyway, enough about me. I thought I'd tell you this to gauge how it relates to your fantasies.

Penis and balls are hot, indeed, and a hard penis can signify power and domination, if you (we) want to see it that way. It's enjoyable to submit, to feel like the submissive, but also it's liberating in a sense. As men we're conditioned to take the lead, whether that be in the bedroom or in daily life generally. It's a totally different thing to let go and submit, and be guided, even used.

You say that you don't feel sexually desired by your wife, and you're a sexual person, you love sex, and want to be intimate with a person. Of course you do, you're only 43, in the prime of your life. You seem to be framing your bisexual side as a by-product of your sexless marriage but I would suggest that this underlying desire has been part of you since a young age, and is now surfacing more in you because of your circumstances and your desire for intimacy. If you can accept that about yourself, and not beat yourself up or feel ashamed about it, and enjoy the porn and fantasies, then you're doing fine.

Where do you see it all heading? Will you stay in your marriage and keep living a sexless life or are you deep down considering exploring?

So I think with trans girls it plays into my more traditional male side where I lust after women and want to be the giver. Being out on a date with a beautiful trans knowing she has a naughty secret in her panties would be really sexy. And having her riding me while I look at her stiff penis, and having her should her load on me in this position would be so amazing. It’s an interesting question however, as my ‘gay’ fantasies are certainly based on being bottom, and being used. I don’t feel any particular urges to be top with men, but with trans girls certainly so.

As to where I see it heading, I don’t know. I love my wife and my children, and can’t see how I could ever do anything to break that up. I came from a broken family and it’s been very difficult. Sometimes the urges are strong, and I feel I need to at least have a gay video wank so that I can satisfy my need for male intimacy and validation. To see a hard cock which is hard because of me! Sometimes I think just sending a few naughty pics to a gay man who can tell me I’m hot and what he’d like to do with my cock would also help. These things feel like they would be borderline behaviours for a married person, but sometimes I also think they’re mostly harmless and keeping my urges satisfied so they don’t progress. I don’t know really. I did post naughty pics on here when I joined, and thinking there are guys getting off to them is hot. Thinking you might have seen them for example, gets me excited.

But the talking on here, and with you is helpful for sure.

 

[Curio39er]

I don't think you are gay. I would say that you are bi-curious. I am bisexual and gay porn does nothing for me. I do get turned on by straight porn, girl on girl and transsexual porn when a woman is involved with the transsexual man.

I had my first experience with a man when I was 22 when I let a man give me a hand job in a straight porn theater. I did not go to the porn theater looking for this experience. I had a GF at the time but she went to a college about 75 miles away from where I lived so we only saw each other on weekends during the school year. This was before VCRs so I would go to this straight porn theater and masturbate while watching the movie to relieve my sexual tension. This time a man came and sat down next to me. This had never ever happened before and rather than move to another seat I decided to stay where I was. A few minutes later a feeling came over me and I had an overwhelming urge to give my cock to this man and have him touch me. I rubbed my cock thru my jeans and the next thing I knew he pushed his knee against mine and I pushed back. I opened up my 501 jeans all the way and his hand immediately came over. He went straight for the pee hole of my boxers and pulled my cock out.. I was already hard from watching the movie when he set down next to me. He proceeded to play with my cock,, stroking me while using my precum as lube and eventually i came. It was an extremely intense orgasm and I nearly came out of my seat when I started squirting. As soon as I was done cumming he got up and left. It took me a long time to process this experience and to try to understand what it meant and why I had acted the way I did. I totally considered myself straight up to this point. Three years later I went to SF (I live in LA) with the sole purpose of going to a bathhouse there and finding a suitable man to hook up with and give a blowjob to. I met a man in the sauna and I told him I wanted to suck his cock. We went to his room and I touched my first cock and gave my first BJ. I knew right away that I loved touching and sucking his cock and balls. I wanted the full experience of giving a man a BJ so I had him cum in my mouth and I swallowed his cum. When he was done cummming I left his room and the bathhouse. Nine month later I decided to go to a bathhouse in West Hollywood to find out what it was like to have a man give me a BJ. I hooked up with a young man around my age (26) and I received my first BJ from a man. Like with the hand job in the porn theater, it was incredible how good it felt and after about 15 minutes I came in his mouth. I then sucked him off with him cumming in my mouth.

I think it is important to mention that I have never kissed a man or been kissed by a man and I have absolutely no desire to do so. I have had anal sex as a bottom which I found very enjoyable but I only engage in when the chemistry with a man is right. My favorite activity by far with a man is giving him a very long slow wet sensual BJ that ends with him cumming in my mouth. I have mentioned my early sexual encounters with men because it is one thing to fantasize about having sex with a man or getting turned on my watching gay porn, etc. than it is to actually have sex with a man and dealing with what the effects of doing so means emotionally and psychologically afterwards. You will notice that it took four years for me to have these three experiences.

After this experience I knew I was bisexual and that In the future I would occasionally want to engage in sex with a man. I did not hate myself but accepted the fact that this was the way I was and I could either enjoy an occasional sexual experience with a man or go crazy denying that part of my sexual make up. I decided not to wonder how or why I was bi or feel guilty about it. I have always been attracted to women and all of my actual relationships have been with women. I would never ever have a "relationship" with a man that wasn't just sexual. I had just such a relationship with a very good friend of mine who is gay for 15 years. It was an, off and on situation that was extremely satisfying. He is the ONLY person that I have ever been open with and talked to at length about my bisexual side and activities.

I think BiBtm64 gave you an excellent response.

​

Thanks for the reply. I appreciate you sharing your experiences with me. Can I ask, what’s your relationship status currently? And if you’re in a relationship with a female what do you do about your bi urges?

 

[BiBtm64]

So I think with trans girls it plays into my more traditional male side where I lust after women and want to be the giver. Being out on a date with a beautiful trans knowing she has a naughty secret in her panties would be really sexy. And having her riding me while I look at her stiff penis, and having her should her load on me in this position would be so amazing. It’s an interesting question however, as my ‘gay’ fantasies are certainly based on being bottom, and being used. I don’t feel any particular urges to be top with men, but with trans girls certainly so.

That's totally understandable and is part of your sexual dichotomy, your yin and yang. Part of you is submissive, part of you is a traditional male who wants to penetrate, and there's a delicious kinky aspect to a girl with a dick. I totally get that, and so does most of the porn industry in the types of roles that are depicted, so you're totally not alone in your fantasies. You admire the female form, and you seek to take the role of the traditional man, while at the same time the cock fascination is there. And why not? Cocks are fascinating and worth admiring, and what could be more wild and crazy that a girl with a dick?

As to where I see it heading, I don’t know. I love my wife and my children, and can’t see how I could ever do anything to break that up. I came from a broken family and it’s been very difficult. Sometimes the urges are strong, and I feel I need to at least have a gay video wank so that I can satisfy my need for male intimacy and validation. To see a hard cock which is hard because of me! Sometimes I think just sending a few naughty pics to a gay man who can tell me I’m hot and what he’d like to do with my cock would also help. These things feel like they would be borderline behaviours for a married person, but sometimes I also think they’re mostly harmless and keeping my urges satisfied so they don’t progress. I don’t know really.

Again, I totally understand that you feel like your current relationship and life situation provides you with stability that you did not grow up with, and it's important to provide that to your children. That goes above and beyond a need for sex. Even though your marriage is lacking sex, you're able to appreciate the other merits of what is going on, and not just for yourself but also for your children. That's a wise and selfless view of things that shows your maturity and worth as a dad. Many men see it as the easy option to leave the family and go and chase more sex, which can turn out to damage children's lives and often their own when they realise they've been selfish. That's not you, to your credit.

You're human for having these urges and conflicts in your head and battling to deal with them. One thing I would suggest as a caution is to be careful with video wanking and sharing pictures. You might be considering whether it's borderline or mostly harmless, but you might want to ask yourself whether you're leaning toward "mostly" harmless to give yourself some justification. Hey, I'm not criticizing. I'm only human, as you are. You're battling these urges and looking for ways to get satisfaction and keep your family together, which is admirable. You might want to ask yourself what she would do if she found out, which is a test of whether it's okay or not. I'm not moralizing or preaching. I'm not the Pope. Far from it, in fact. I'm only suggesting, just think of the consequences. Looking at porn might be one thing, camming with a person might be bordering on a relationship and could be hurtful to her if she sees it as cheating.

To help you talk it through more, do you want to tell us what you find arousing about lesbian porn? (not a criticism, far from it, and again I get it; I just want to hear your perspective).

 

[MusicMan321]

From the looks of it of what you said that you are a married man who has somewhat attractive towards other men and nothing wrong with the fact you are. Most married men are in the same situation that you are in and keep that to themselves or maybe tell the wife it's however you feel comfortable saying it or keeping yo yourself

 

[ricksvca]

Thanks for the reply. I appreciate you sharing your experiences with me. Can I ask, what’s your relationship status currently? And if you’re in a relationship with a female what do you do about your bi urges?

I am currently single but I am on one of the most well known internet dating sites looking for a woman. In the distant past I had a profile on Adult Friend Finder and if I wanted to be with a man I would meet someone that way. I would contact a man I found physically appealing (that means I liked their cock and body pics) or someone who liked my pics (I had nude pics on my profile of my cock and ass, my cock fully erect, sitting standing etc.) would contact me and we would exchange e-mails and eventually talk on the phone. If there was still mutual interest we would meet up and have sex, usually just mutual cock sucking but occasionally if the chemistry was right I would engage in anal sex as a bottom. I was very careful about who I hooked up with and I always chose someone who could host. Going to an adult books store (ABS) or some gay bar and hooking up with a man who was a complete stranger was never ever something I wanted to do as I got older whether I was in a relationship with a woman or not. The complete stranger hook up was OK when I was just beginning to explore my bisexual side but it is not something I did for very long.

I saw your pics of your cock and balls. Very nice looking uncut cock and balls. I could definitely go for that. Shaving your balls is a good look. I have shaved my cock and balls for decades now.

Feel free to e-mail me on JUB if you have any questions, etc.

 

[Curio39er]

I am currently single but I am on one of the most well known internet dating sites looking for a woman. In the distant past I had a profile on Adult Friend Finder and if I wanted to be with a man I would meet someone that way. I would contact a man I found physically appealing (that means I liked their cock and body pics) or someone who liked my pics (I had nude pics on my profile of my cock and ass, my cock fully erect, sitting standing etc.) would contact me and we would exchange e-mails and eventually talk on the phone. If there was still mutual interest we would meet up and have sex, usually just mutual cock sucking but occasionally if the chemistry was right I would engage in anal sex as a bottom. I was very careful about who I hooked up with and I always chose someone who could host. Going to an adult books store (ABS) or some gay bar and hooking up with a man who was a complete stranger was never ever something I wanted to do as I got older whether I was in a relationship with a woman or not. The complete stranger hook up was OK when I was just beginning to explore my bisexual side but it is not something I did for very long.

I saw your pics of your cock and balls. Very nice looking uncut cock and balls. I could definitely go for that. Shaving your balls is a good look. I have shaved my cock and balls for decades now.

Feel free to e-mail me on JUB if you have any questions, etc.

Thanks ricksvca. I’ve dropped you a PM.

I understand that and can imagine it’s a bit of a minefield when hooking up. Same applies to any hookup of any orientation I suppose. I’ve always been careful, but also not one for one night stands on my hetero experiences tbh.

It’s funny, I was in London today and couldn’t keep focussed with all of the amazing female ass everywhere. But interestingly when I used the loos in Vicky station I swear an old boy walked past me and was checking me out as he went into the cubicle. He just looked at me a bit longer than usual and turned round to look at me as he went in and shut the door. We caught eyes in the mirror by the basin I was washing my hands in. I just got that feeling ya know. I spent the next hour feeling horny about the thought of following him in and letting him touch and suck me.

 

[peeonme]

I view men as being sexual, few are totally straight or gay. The whole idea of one being "homosexual" hasn't been around that long. Read Greek and Roman history, specifically about sex and you will find that it was common for men with a wife to have a male lover on the side.