Thrown back into loneliness...

[d0440er]

Hey guys...

I'm a 30 year old gay guy living in a small southern town. Not many gay people around here. I've only been in 2 serious relationships in my life. Once when I was 21 and this most recent one which only lasted a little over 3 months. When I met this guy I tried to take things majorly slow while he was pushing for something serious on the very first night we met, but I ended up falling in love a few weeks later.

I can honestly say that I did pretty much everything right. Yeah, I made some mistakes, but as far as hurting him and doing things to harm our relationships... I really didn't do that. All our problems stemmed from his hurting me. He is addicted to prescription drugs and that always came first. So I had a lot of disappointing nights, sitting alone while he was out searching for drugs. And a lot of the nights I did get to spend with him, by the time we would hook up he would already be hammered and just ready to pass out.

These things would hurt me and he would be very apologetic about it. The thing is, his love meant so much to me that I put up with it. It could have even gotten worse and I would have stuck with him because the love completely outweighed the hurt. But for the last month of the relationship he constantly went on about how we needed to separate because he couldn't bear to see me hurt anymore. I told him over and over that I could handle it.

Last week we had another bad night and he left me. This has thrown me into a pretty depressive state. My biggest fear was losing him and now it's happened. I tried everything in my power to get him back, but he's not budging. I know that's wrong of me, but I had to try. I felt like his leaving me so he wouldn't hurt me was taking a choice away from me. If we were going to separate because I was hurt too much, that should have been MY choice, right? Or do I have this all backwards?

All through our relationship he said that if anything ever happened to us, he couldn't live without me in his life, that we had to be friends. So right now that's we we're at, but ugh it's so hard. To his credit he does say he wants it to be this way so we can help each other through this. He says that we are best friends and always will be, but his texts... and the things he says... This morning I got a text telling me how beautiful it is outside and to go out and see and how much he loves me. It was actually over 2 texts and he said "I love you" 4 times. One time using my full name afterwards, which is a little thing we would do.

At first this "friendly" communication made me think that there was a possibility I could snag him back. That our long talks would make him realize what he gave up, but it seems he really does just want to be friends. I was talking to him last night and he had to get off the phone for a few minutes and said he would call back. I told him, "You know, you don't have to call back if you don't want to." I needed him to say, "No, I want to." But he said, "I want to make sure you're ok and I want to be here for you." It's starting to feel a bit patronizing and I feel a bit like it might just be pity. Or even him trying to make himself feel better.

Is it possible to be friends with someone you're in love with? I'm very lonely and have only a few friends and basically zero options as far as a rebound goes. I have pretty bad attachment problems and don't want to let go. Should I take what I can get? I don't know if I have the strength to stop communicating with him as much as it hurts to. I just really don't know what to do. If anyone can give me some advice I would appreciate it. Thanks.

 

[Seasoned]

The key to your post is you admitting you have "pretty bad attachment problems." Your co-dependent issues are full blown and that is what's causing your problem. His addiction has made a mess of him and he knows he's a mess. He can't help wondering what's wrong with you if you're willing to put up with his behavior. Separate yourself from him and perhaps he'll eventually seek help. Addiction brings down everyone in the addict's path. Good luck to you.

 

[justsimon]

There's no hope for a healthy relationship until he overcomes his addiction.

 

[TX-Beau]

NO it's not possible for you to just be friends with him. Men speak most clearly with their actions. HE wanted out, he tried to make it about you, but HE was the one who left, HE is the one who just wants to be friends.

He's telling you it's not gonna happen. YOU should listen. It isn't about you, it's about him.

Walk away. maybe later down the line you can be friends, but not now, not for awhile.

 

[d0440er]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts guys. I was talking to him this morning and he told me to call him back a little later because he was working. I haven't called back. Ugh it's tough, but I'm really trying not to. I know at some point this evening he will call or text me.

I've scheduled an appointment with a counselor Monday morning, I hope some good can come out of it. Obviously he's got his problems, but I've got mine as well. I will definitely be bringing up the co-dependency issue because you are right Seasoned, I am super co-dependent.

I think what's so hard about simply walking away is how the relationship started. When he saw me for the first time he was like a giddy little kid. He was so excited that I would even talk to him and went on and on about how we would be perfect together for weeks. When I realized I loved him and gave in something in him just switched. And then it ended with ME begging HIM. Ugh, it's been a roller coaster ride from hell.

 

[crubbed]

I'm so sorry about what happened to you. I can relate to your story.

I'm not in the position to give out advice, really. All I can say is that you should steer clear of people who tend to go over board with compliments and praising. They never know what they're talking about.

Then, I think you should cut your relationship loose drastically at least for the time being. It's not healthy for you, you know. Please, try to travel and do new things in order to spice up your life a bit. I feel for you man. Good luck.

 

[HunterM]

You need your own space away from him for a year. To help get you through this separation, keep your social life busy with your friends and family. Pick up new hobbies. Set goals for yourself to achieve. Keep busy. Travel out of your own town to meet other gay men...to see what other options are out there.

 

[elephunk]

wow, I just posted a thread about my ex boyfriend, who is also addicted to prescription drugs. he broke up with me and says he lost feelings for me, but I still have feelings for him.

I'm in your shoes. I don't know if being friends with him will benefit me... but I'm so sad without him.

 

[hotatlboi]

I would move to a larger city. Small southern towns and their backward attitudes are often toxic to living a happy healthy life as a gay person.

 

[d0440er]

Thanks for all the kind words and advice guys, it really does help. Of course stupid ol' me took up with communicating with him again. He texts all the time and calls at night. He kept going on about how he wanted to "make sure I'm ok." Saturday night we had pretty good conversation about random things in our lives. It kind of felt like old times and we ended the conversation with I love you's. But last night it got to the point where I was really feeling kind of insulted. I could start to tell that a lot of his effort is nothing but pity. I want a lot from him, but I certainly don't want his pity. I told him this and made it very clear that I want him to talk to me because he truly wants to talk to me, not because he feels sorry for me. He came back with a response of "Well friends look out for each other right?" Anyway, we got off the phone a couple minutes later... and there were no "I love yous" this time. That was really tough and kind of showed me how tough a friendship will be.

At this point I'm just trying to ride the waves. I don't want to make any major decisions because my emotions are heightened and don't want to do anything I'll regret. But I know you guys are right, I need to walk away.

wow, I just posted a thread about my ex boyfriend, who is also addicted to prescription drugs. he broke up with me and says he lost feelings for me, but I still have feelings for him.

I'm in your shoes. I don't know if being friends with him will benefit me... but I'm so sad without him.

So sorry to hear about that elephunk. It's tough. To me love is such a wonderful and fulfilling thing. It's hard to wrap your head around the fact that people could choose a lifestyle of drugs over a happy loving relationship, but we're living proof it happens. Hang in there and try to move on. I feel like the weakest person on the planet right now, but I'm trying to move on. If I can do it, ANYONE can do it.

 

[Seasoned]

Keep your therapy appointment, please!

 

[d0440er]

Keep your therapy appointment, please!

Oh lord. I went this morning and it was not at all what I was expecting. My workplace doesn't offer insurance, so I had to go to this community counseling type of place. Basically what happened was I didn't even get to speak to anyone. I went through an orientation of how the program would work which is basically group therapy. I would have to be sharing my problems with the counselor plus 5-6 other people. After a certain point if the counselor felt I needed it he would place me with one on one sessions with a psychiatrist.

Part of me wants to do it, but being in this southern hellhole it would be really hard to open up to the people I would probably be in a group with. I need to find another option. :/

 

[elephunk]

What I don't understand is why he keeps calling to see if "you're ok"?! He doesn't get to leave you and then still call you all the time, checking in and sprinkling "I love yous" here and there.

I'd cease all contact... Or minimize it. I understand how frustrating it must be since you're in a small southern gay town, but you seem like a great loving person and you'll find someone who respects you and loves you equally.