Time to tell

[NaNaNaNa]

Hey there..been getting help from some other threads for a while but signed up to get some advice. Sorry for the length.

Need to give some background info, just so you understand stuff. Basically in my early teens I went "off the rails" so to speak, I fell in with the wrong crowd and during that period I was a complete and utter twat tbh, it is a period I would rather forget. I also got my girlfriend pregnant and when my parents found out that was the final straw and they decided to send me to a boarding school(not sure if you understand the concept but it is basically a school that you live at). That decision helped me to turn my life around.

Anyways at school I met a lad called Craig, and we quickly became very good friends. Being a horny straight teenager at an all-boys school, as you can expect you will get fairly frustrated at the lack of sexual activity and this was the downfall of being at an all boys school. The second year I was there I was able to choose who to "board" with and we chose each other and we did so for the remaining years at the school.

Into the final year and one day whilst hanging in our room, Craig asks if I've ever had a "wankbuddy", to which I replied no (tbh also thinking it was a bit weird). He asked if I'd like to try it but I refused. However as time got on and I got well kinda bored with plain wanking I said I'd give it ago and we tried it. We did this a few times and then one time he started to wank me off then started to suck my cock. This caught me off guard and being straight I said "wtf are you doing?" and pushed him off me. This as you can expect meant things were weird between us for a bit. However as they say time heals all.

Later on that year we snook out to go clubbing and got completely rat-arsed which made getting back in without being spotted impossible. We got a bollocking and escorted back to the room. Well one thing led to another and he kissed me, I still remember like yesterday that it felt right, then he gave me the best blow job I've ever had. Anyways as time progressed we became fuck buddies, and without expecting it I fell in love with him and our relationship took a different direction.

Just over 3 years on from then, we have been in a serious relationship for the past 2 years (I wanted the first year of uni life to be single to have more fun) despite living away from each other. However I completed my 3 year degree this summer and have got a job lined up in Newcastle close to where I come from, he actually went to Newcastle Uni but is doing a longer course so we will live together next year.

Now to the problem, we are to move in together in mid-August in Newcastle however my family don't know I have been in a relationship with a lad. Now I don't fancy many other men, I just like Craig but there is no point telling them that as they'll just think I'm talking nonsense. I know I definately should tell them before the move because of how close the family is to where I am moving it will be stupid to try to hide it and also I am not ashamed of Craig. I don't know how to tell them too, should I say "you know my new flatmate, well he's my boyfriend" or what???

Now to the second problem, I am a proud father of a smashing little boy. Myself and his mother are on great terms however I don't know how she will react to my relationship. I can't face not seeing my son, so if she refused to let him come stay in my new apartment because of they gay couple thing, I wouldn't know what to do.

Cheers for your input

 

[landers]

I'm not sure what child custody agreement you have with your son's mother or what exactly the child custody laws are like in the UK but in Canada you'd have legal rights if your child's mother tried to keep him from you based on your relationship with another man.

As for telling your family, you seem to be financially independent from them now so I'd say tell them just like you suggested, "you know my flatmate...". If you don't think you'll be able to hide this from your family then don't, they'll appreciate it much more if you tell them vs. them finding out some other way.

 

[KaraBulut]

There is a somewhat simple answer to your very complicated situation.

The answer has to do with whether you have more to gain or more to lose by telling the truth about your relationship with your friend. In threads in this forum, we always say to consider the consequence of coming out before you take that step.

While "coming out" is usually the better option, you have two unusual circumstances- you don't identify as gay and you have a young child that you must consider in your decisions. Based upon these circumstances, it would make sense for you to continue to keep your relationship and the history of that relationship hidden from your family.

This story is not unique by the way. It is very nearly the plot of Waugh's "Brideshead Revisited" and the play/movie "Another Country". And there are plenty of european men, like Winston Churchill, whose first love was a classmate at boarding school.

 

[NaNaNaNa]

I'm not sure what child custody agreement you have with your son's mother or what exactly the child custody laws are like in the UK but in Canada you'd have legal rights if your child's mother tried to keep him from you based on your relationship with another man.

As for telling your family, you seem to be financially independent from them now so I'd say tell them just like you suggested, "you know my flatmate...". If you don't think you'll be able to hide this from your family then don't, they'll appreciate it much more if you tell them vs. them finding out some other way.

The agreement isn't a formal one, so no paperwork or legal binding papers are in place. We've always been on good terms so never needed such things.


It's not that I couldn't hide it from them, that would be easy enough but I don't really want to, firstly because I don't like lying to my family and secondly I don't think it would be fair on Craig. Afterall I've met his family and introduced to them as his boyfriend, if he did it then it would be unfair if I didn't.

While "coming out" is usually the better option, you have two unusual circumstances- you don't identify as gay and you have a young child that you must consider in your decisions. Based upon these circumstances, it would make sense for you to continue to keep your relationship and the history of that relationship hidden from your family.

That is what I'm thinking. However living so close to home it means that someone is bound to guess sooner or later. Which means that it may be stupid to do that.

 

[Soilwork]

I don't know how to tell them too, should I say "you know my new flatmate, well he's my boyfriend" or what???

Yeah.. that sounds about right.

Now to the second problem, I am a proud father of a smashing little boy. Myself and his mother are on great terms however I don't know how she will react to my relationship. I can't face not seeing my son, so if she refused to let him come stay in my new apartment because of they gay couple thing, I wouldn't know what to do.

If she wanted to stop access could you GET some legal custody? I mean you're the father and have been taking part in his life so far, right?

But truth is almost always better than lies... people have a way of adapting pretty fast and if you don't have a big scene and deal about it, she probably won't either.

 

[NaNaNaNa]

After much thought I decided to take the plunge. Craig is coming up for the weekend to view the apartment and hand over a deposit so I thought it was the right time.

All of the family were together and when my sister asked when I would be moving in, I decided to use that as an opportunity to tell them. My sisters were surprised but happy for me, my mam said it doesn't change who I am and she doesn't care aslong as i don't start acting like the completely over the top gays, my little bro didn't real understand, however my dad didn't speak a word and hasn't done since I told them about 4 hours ago. Suppose it was never going to be smooth sailing.

 

[Soilwork]

Hey, if the worst thing that's happening is 4 hours later Dad and little bro are still processing the info, you're doing well.

They'll take their cues from the women on how to react.

Good for you.

 

[luminum]

I think the fact that your father hasn't said anything is a sign that he's really thinking about it, rather than outright rejecting you. Thinking about it means that he's confronting his preconceptions about you, about sexuality, and taking into consideration his fatherly love for you.

Anyway, I think it's great that you still have familial support and that you have the resolve to be open about yourself.

Before you disclose your sexuality to your son's mother, perhaps it would be good to look into what your legal/custodial rights are as an involved parent of this child. If you have none, it may be good to look into securing them first, but if a consultant can assure you that there is action that you can take if things sour, it may be a better situation.

 

[NaNaNaNa]

I think the fact that your father hasn't said anything is a sign that he's really thinking about it, rather than outright rejecting you. Thinking about it means that he's confronting his preconceptions about you, about sexuality, and taking into consideration his fatherly love for you.

Anyway, I think it's great that you still have familial support and that you have the resolve to be open about yourself.

Before you disclose your sexuality to your son's mother, perhaps it would be good to look into what your legal/custodial rights are as an involved parent of this child. If you have none, it may be good to look into securing them first, but if a consultant can assure you that there is action that you can take if things sour, it may be a better situation.

I've spoken in depth with my sister, who works in law however I went to see Katie (the ex-girlfriend) and told her the situation and she took it surprisingly well. So I'm very happy about that, and it will go on as usual.

On the other hand my dad has only said these words to me since I told him, "Keep it out of my face and I'll not say anything". The rest of the family have reacted well since though.

 

[Soilwork]

Just tell him that you're not going to be a secret and if he wants to say something you'd rather that than nothing at all.

That's going to win you a lot more respect.

 

[luminum]

Yeah, and tell him to do the same. No talking about girls or women, or even his relationship with your mother. Tell him that you don't want to have any of his straight shit thrown in your face. That should drive the point home.

Glad to hear about your ex, though.

 

[hanzosword]

That's great! I admire you for being so brave. Your dad will probably come around in time. If he loves you like a father should then he will accept who you are eventually.

 

[rareboy]

Congrats. It sounds like everything is going to work out fine for you. Craig must be pleased as well.

 

[NaNaNaNa]

Yeah, and tell him to do the same. No talking about girls or women, or even his relationship with your mother. Tell him that you don't want to have any of his straight shit thrown in your face. That should drive the point home.

Glad to hear about your ex, though.

I kinda did do that, after ignoring me and Craig over the weekend whilst he was up I confronted him on Monday and basically said "I can't help who i fall in love with, how would you feel if someone did this over you and mum? whether you like it or not me and Craig are a couple and i can't see it ending anytime soon so you may aswell get used to it." Anyways he started to get emotional and said he felt he was losing a son however we had a really really long talk and sorted out most of his issues. Even played golf with me this afternoon, just like old times.

Well thanks for everyones help and guidance.

 

[Soilwork]

Good for you.

Meeting it head on is always the best way to do things.

 

[G-Lexington]

It's hard to know what to say when they do it right. Way to go.

Lex

 

[luminum]

I kinda did do that, after ignoring me and Craig over the weekend whilst he was up I confronted him on Monday and basically said "I can't help who i fall in love with, how would you feel if someone did this over you and mum? whether you like it or not me and Craig are a couple and i can't see it ending anytime soon so you may aswell get used to it." Anyways he started to get emotional and said he felt he was losing a son however we had a really really long talk and sorted out most of his issues. Even played golf with me this afternoon, just like old times.

Well thanks for everyones help and guidance.

Good for you! I'm glad you confronted the issue and gave him the breakthrough he couldn't reach alone.

 

[NaNaNaNa]

Just an update and a thanks for your comments and advice.

Me and Craig moved in together 3 weeks ago and it is going great. My son comes to stay over 2 nights a week now, he loves his room (got all emotional when I saw his little face light up when he saw it finished after he chose how it should be decorated, lol) Craig is great with him too, I was worried there might be a slight problem but he's been brilliant about it.

My immediate family have all seemed to have got their head around it completely and treat Craig like any other partner i've had. We attended our first family "do" as a couple, and that went ok with as you can imagine some homophobic comments, but that doesn't bother me at all tbh.

On a bad point one of my close mates decided he "does not want to be associated with a queer" and we haven't talked since but as Craig says do I really want to be friends with someone who thinks like that??

Cheers again

 

[luminum]

Good for you, buddy

And you have no need to associate with toxic homophobes. They're bad for digestion, among other things.

 

[NaNaNaNa]

Good for you, buddy

And you have no need to associate with toxic homophobes. They're bad for digestion, among other things.

aye, if he can't accept me for who I am, then I don't want to be mates.

On another point, forgot to add my Dad is still a bit weird on the situation, but he respects my decision and has accepted Craig so can't ask for much more really.