Tired of everything

[Dwbf21]

This is a pathetic first post, but I have nowhere else to post this. I honestly don't know where to begin. I have a lot bottled up inside. I don't do anything in life. I'm 21. My social circle is a joke.

What's really eating at me is my family. My mother and I had a fight over something trivial, and then it got heated when she said "don't worry, I know that I won't have peace in my future thanks to you". And even though I never came out, it's really clear what she's talking about. That took our little fight to another level and I'm really just disappointed. When she says stuff like that it's like a knife through the chest. I know all the cliches about how love should be unconditional, but the truth is that I am a disappointment. I'm not speaking to her right now, but deep down I geuinely feel sorry for her. She's been through a lot. So has my dad. And somehow, of all the shitty people in the world, they had to have the gay kid when everyone else is in my family is extremely successful (lawyers, doctors, programmers, etc) and married with children or in serious relationships.

I also fear that my little brother might be gay. He's showing the signs with the gay shows he watches and the gay music he likes (partially my fault). That's a huge fear of mine. That's just really crossing the line. Part of me wants to wait until he's older to see if he's like me so I'll know if I should come out. My dad has a bad heart, my mom's depressed and I don't think it's fair.

Me? I don't even enjoy myself as a "failure" (by social standards). I can't see myself getting off my ass to go study. I lack motivation. I don't see myself going to college. I watched The Social Network and all I could think about was how much of a fuck up I am. Facebook? Right. The whole college setting... just reminded me how I'm not one of those people. Can't see myself socializing with straight people. Can't see myself having any of that college fun, just like I never enjoyed school. I was never carefree, not even as a kid. Always drama at home and with myself. Always self conscious. And now as a gay adult, it's even worse. It suddenly hit me that I am NOT a teenager and this behaviour isn't cute anymore. It won't just. get better.

Maybe it just bothers me that no matter what I do, I won't have the ideal life where I live carefree, have all the rights, prove those who put me down wrong, make my parents proud, etc. This is gonna sound ridiculous but I also can't see how I can grow old peacefully without fearing going to hell as a gay man.

I can't even define who I am sexually. I've had experiences with men that I didn't enjoy. However, when I watch porn my body answers that question for me. Which makes me think I'm just fooling myself or not comfortable with my sexuality. I've been waiting for things to get better for years. I honestly don't believe it will get better. I don't want to sound like an attention seeker, but if it weren't for my family and God I don't know if I'd still bother with life. It's been pointless so far. I hope it changes, but I'm not gonna fool myself - that doesn't just happen alone.

Just putting this out there... thanks if you read all that.

 

[redips]

Hi dwbf, and welcome to JUB.

First of all, life is NOT pointless. Yes, it may be difficult, and yes, being gay can make it even more difficult. But trust me, you will respect yourself much more after having gone through this difficult phase.

Your thoughts (about feeling sorry for your parents, feeling unfair that other families get to see their kids getting married, etc.) are very similar to what I thought when I was coming out to myself. I too thought that life was unfair. I thought my parents deserve better. And yes, for a long time, I also thought life was pointless because there is nothing I could do to live the life that my family and I have always envisioned.

But after I got through this very tough part of my life, I do respect myself more, for having the courage to deal with something that most people don't have to face. I do feel stronger. Petty little things bother me less. I'd look back and say, I've gone through something that most people can't even imagine, that I'm more prepared for life's various curveballs.

I know it's cliché to hear "it's going to get better." Sure, things don't happen or change on their own, but people do adapt and grow. And they get stronger.

So, please, hang in there. Never be afraid to reach out, talk to people, or vent here. No tunnel is infinite, so you will get out of this, and when you do, things will be better because you will have become a different person.

 

[archiblue]

You are not a failure. You are not a disappointment.

Your values and beliefs may differ from that of your parents, but do not let that change who you are meant to be.

If your brother is gay, you are not to 'blame.' Homosexuality is not something you can control. You are either born straight, gay or bisexual. There is no wrong answer and you should not feel guilt over anything like that.

You should also not compare yourself to typical 'normality.' Having fun does not mean you have to go out to get drunk every night. If you don't enjoy drinking, don't drink. If that is something you enjoy, then you should not hinder yourself. With an open mind, approach new things. Try to meet new people and new friends. If you feel that you don't interact well with straight people, find local gay groups in your city.

Our reality is made up by how we see ourselves and the world. Every morning, if we tell ourselves that the day is going to be shitty, it will be a bad day. If we wake up and say that the day is going to be fun, then you are more likely to enjoy yourself. Start going out of your way to help other people have a nice day. At a checkout line in a store, instead of just getting your change, look the teller in the eye and say "I hope you have a wonderful day." Perhaps you can compliment complete strangers. Even stopping to help someone pick up their dropped books is great. The more good you try to give back to the world, the more good you will notice around you.

You are a wonderful, unique, talented person. If you are feeling sad, find a productive way to release and work through those emotions. Breath in happiness! Life is beautiful, and the world is made a better place because you are in it!

 

[TheRoyalGoat]

I used to have a lot of the same feelings and for a while there literally all I did was internet, eat, sleep. All day, everyday and my outlook just kept getting worse and worse. I just kept getting more and more apathetic.
You have have to change things up. Dramatically. I didn't have any motivation either, but I ended forcing myself to get online and find a job in another state, where I didn't know a soul and could just start things over. I ended up working at this island resort and besides the shitty 3 day bus ride, it completely turned my outlook upside down. I worked my ass off, but I enjoyed the hell out of it. Made a lot of good friends, and actually started experiencing life, instead of the same soul killing routine.
I'm not saying you have to switch it up as drastically as I did, but I can relate to A LOT of what you said and it really did turn my life around for the better. All it costed was a bus ticket and me really sticking with it when I was looking rather than just slipping back into bleh-ness.

 

[Seasoned]

I'm old enough to be your grandfather and I almost wish I were. You are in an internal world that is not being kind or healthy.

Welcome to JUB. Although we are not face to face, obviously, you'll always be able to find a couple of things here, namely, someone who can relate and someone who might offer a gentle kick in the ass. I have been told I'm a good listener and I have a very strong desire to be a sounding board for anyone who is able to identify problems and sees no solutions. I don't have any mental health credentials, but I have always been an observer of everything going on around me.

I sense some things in you that remind me of me as a teen, introverted, anxious and depressed. I had a large family and a younger brother who is gay. There were times when I had wished I were dead. Dark days indeed.

I am responding to you publicly rather than a pm because I'd like anyone reading this who feels as you do to know this is the real reason I'm on JUB. No one can fix it for you, but someone who's been there can offer a lot. It doesn't have to be me but, DWBF, and anyone else who identifies, find someone here and private message them in order to begin realizing you are not alone and, in fact, never were.

None of us have crystal balls and none of us is at a dead end no matter what that internal voice is saying. My reference to kick in the ass has to do with the fact that some of us get the courage to admit we feel hopeless and depressed and someone else who hasn't tapped into those feelings wil come across harsh and insensitive. "You don't know how good you've got it; and " I'll give you something to cry about"; were just two of the things I heard when I lived at home. Not very helpful.

That was a very long introduction to say something very simple. You are going to be OK. I know that because by posting here you have taken a step to get beyond your own internal dialogue and to begin cyber socializing with people who identify with you immediately.

Please pm me and/or someone else here. I, for one, would like to know you better. If you felt better after writing your post I already know a lot about you.

 

[backpacker]

Coming to terms with being gay is difficult for many. You clearly feel guilty about being gay and view it as some type of failure. That's not the case. You can't control being gay anymore than you could control your skin color or height. My guess is that the reason why you haven't enjoyed sex is that internally you feel that you are doing something wrong.

If your brother happens to be gay, it won't be due to anything you did or didn't do. What you can do is be supportive and let him know you are behind him 100%. By the way, how old is your little brother? If he's much younger, it could be simply that he thinks it cool to like what his older brother likes. If he's high school age or older, then it could be that he has figured out that you are gay and is being supportive. At the very least, I think it indicates that he's not homophobic. I suggest you come out to him. It would be a great relief to tell someone and his support would helpful. If he happens to be gay, you can also provide support to him. I'm sure you will want him to have an easier time than you did.

Just because you are gay doesn't mean that you can't have a great college experience. There are many gay guys in college and gay activities, especially at larger colleges. People are more mature in college and supportive. Of course you will never know unless you try. Are your parents willing and able to provide financial support for you to go to college? If not, financial aid or student loans are a possibility. For you to truly benefit from the college experience, I think you should live on campus. That would also help with some of the issues with your mother.

The relationship with your mother sounds somewhat toxic. Some of that could be a result of your mother's depression. Putting a little space between the two of you by not living in the same household would probably help.

The bottom line is that you need to take some steps to get your life on track. If you don't believe you can do that on your own, then get some counseling. Things are not going to get better is if you don't take some proactive steps. If college isn't for you, then take other steps toward a career. I bet your parents would be proud if you took the initative to get your life moving in a positive direction. I'm also sure you will feel much better about yourself. Good luck!

 

[palemale]

Do you live with your parents? I had a pretty good childhood, and a good relationship with my parents, but I had to get out of the house after high school. I've been on my own ever since. I still have a good relationship with my parents and see them often.

I suggest you set some short and long term goals. Don't accept that your life is a failure. At 21, it's way to soon to make that judgment. Don't become a self-fulfilling prophecy. We live in bad economic times, which is having a devastating affect on the confidence of lots of people who are losing homes and jobs. Be happy you are not in that situation.

Make your first goal getting out of the house and becoming self sufficient. Then focus on how you will support yourself for the long term. Either plan to go to college or some other form of training. Maybe you are not cut out for higher education, but might have good skills for starting a business.

If none of this sounds appealing, pack a bag and hitchhike around the country for the next six months or a year.

Remember, busy people rarely have time to sit around and get depressed.

 

[Dwbf21]

Thanks everyone. A lot of useful stuff in this thread and it did make me feel better. It's given me some ideas but I don't usually stay optimistic for long, so I'll probably need to go back and re-read some of the ideas here more than once. I also appreciate your suggestion that I'll PM you, soreknees, I can see how it will be helpful for me but I don't want to become a burden and I'm a little paranoid about the information I give out. I even felt weird making this post. I might change my mind though. Thanks.

I am not completely sure I was born gay, so it's part of the problem. I do think if some things had gone differently early in my life then I wouldn't need a man in my life. I don't know how to label myself, but I think I'm gay even though my sexual experiences were pretty bad. My life's been a mess since I was 11, that's why I feel like I can't relate to most people, I became uptight. Never enjoyed school. There's also the part of me that's a little scared of going to hell, basically all religions forbid gay sex. I wish I didn't believe in God but I do. Even if I overcome all my issues, I feel like that will always stand in the way.

My little brother is much younger than me, he's 11. He's already dealing with some things other kids don't have to. I'm just concerned that he watches shows like Hannah Montana and listens to singers like Lady Gaga. I mostly listen to other types of music but that's what caught his attention. I was even an asshole to him about the shows he likes to watch. I don't want him to be like me. I feel like I'll be closer to arranging a fake marriage (with a lesbian) than being the supportive gay brother if he is indeed gay. It's thoughts like this that make me wish I was dead sometimes. I don't want that kind of life. Maybe I'm worried for nothing, and I really hope I am because I have enough to work on as it is. That would just push me over the edge.

I am living at home and can't really afford going on a trip now or move away. I really don't see college in my future, but if I do then it will have to be once I'm more "whole" mentally. If I want to go away and "find" myself, I'll have to work for at least 6 months. That was always my hope, to just disappear and do what I want... just can't afford it right now, not working now. Will I really be able to feel more comfortable with my sexuality though? That's what I'm wondering... I know I have to get out of here because this environment is extremely unhealthy for me, but the whole situation is weird... I have a lot to work on. I want to say that I'll try to make enough money and go away as a start, but my mood can change rapidly. I'm hoping things will go well for once.

 

[redips]

There's also the part of me that's a little scared of going to hell, basically all religions forbid gay sex. I wish I didn't believe in God but I do. Even if I overcome all my issues, I feel like that will always stand in the way.

You can believe in God without thinking that you will go to hell because you're gay. The issue of "religion and homosexuality" is too controversial and complex to be debated here, but do realize that (i) not all religions forbid gay sex or being gay, and (ii) belief in God does not necessarily mean being religious. Remember that religion (and I do mean RELIGION, not God) is a human invention, and therefore, what religion says about homosexuality is only people's interpretation of it. Therefore, God and homosexuality are not irreconcilable.

I do happen to be an agnostic/atheist, but I'm sure many others can inspire you about their experiences, especially in the Religion/Spirituality thread. Many gay people also believe in God.

Will I really be able to feel more comfortable with my sexuality though? That's what I'm wondering... I know I have to get out of here because this environment is extremely unhealthy for me, but the whole situation is weird...

You will. It will take some time, but it is a learning process, and you will get to the end of it.