To Be Gay or Not, that is the question

[bhandsome]

I will soon be 21 years old and I am very mature, mentally, for my age. I am active socially and academically and I try not to focus too much on sexuality. Although I have been having frequent thoughts about sexuality, I find myself feeling apart of me is missing out on something in my life, void that I want filled.

I have posted many questions and concerns about my sexuality and I am left with confusion, which I understand is normal. I cannot accept my sexuality if I don't know what I am. Society is only making it worse and it's really hard to not worry about what society thinks. The sly comments about "one day when you get married or when you have kids" just fills me with guilt because this may not happen with a woman and that's what the people who make those comments want for me. Yeah I know it's my life. Sexuality is not a choice it's who you are and I just want to be able to accept myself for who I am and not have to worry about lying to myself and telling people I'm straight when I have doubts.

I know there are always post like mine everyday but if you can offer some guidance thank you, if not thanks for taking the time to read my post.

 

[anchihiro]

Hey kid.

So you're questioning your sexuality, and feeling pressure from others/society to conform to gender role stereotypes?

But what is your sexuality? Does it matter? Is what society wants for you what you want too?

Only you can answer these things. Have you tried looking at porn, what excites you and doesn't. Have you tried being with girls and guys. If not maybe you should do these things. Figure out your sexuality try different things, and then be happy.
Above all though don't let other people try and decide your life for you. If you're not ready, then don't. If it's not what turns you on, then don't. Take care kid.

 

[bhandsome]

Hey kid.

So you're questioning your sexuality, and feeling pressure from others/society to conform to gender role stereotypes?

But what is your sexuality? Does it matter? Is what society wants for you what you want too?

Only you can answer these things. Have you tried looking at porn, what excites you and doesn't. Have you tried being with girls and guys. If not maybe you should do these things. Figure out your sexuality try different things, and then be happy.
Above all though don't let other people try and decide your life for you. If you're not ready, then don't. If it's not what turns you on, then don't. Take care kid.

I have never had any physical contact with either sex. When I watch porn I only watch gay, I have no interest in watching straight. Yeah, yeah that must mean I'm gay but I am still left confused.

No I'm not trying to conform to society I just want to be honest with myself and my family and friends and for them to be aware of apart of me that I have been struggling with, my sexuality.

& for one I have no game whatsoever to approach anyone about hooking up with them, let alone develop a relationship lol

 

[Txgoodoldboy]

I think you have answered your own question.

When you look at a girl, are you turned on? I think you said no.

When you look at a guy, are you turned on? I think that was a yes.

Problem solved. You are gay.

Now, work on your social skills, and hook yourself a man. Kidding. Take your time. You don't have to come out to be gay. That is your choice.

Relax and let it happen. Play safe.

 

[greyhorse]

Its no big deal not having had physical sex with anyone at this stage of your life. Many people haven't although they probably wouldn't admit that.
I had no idea what I was until 26 yrs old when I fell in love literally with a straight guy. I had always been interested in men and penis but was autosexual and hadn't needed the actual physical contact although I had tried to hook up with girls previoulsy.
It was the emotional love which also brought out the need for intimacy between myself and the other that decided me and from then on my need was to hook up with guys to get that emotional release I needed. I was very emotionally stressed by my love feelings for a year or more which really took its toll on my daily life - writing a masters thesis - at the time but I just had to deal with it and carry on with normal life. It was a very stressful and emotionally draining time.
So give it time - let it happen naturally and you will be fine - there is no need to force anything.
Good luck with you exploration. It is a wondrous part of your life. It may be hard but it is interesting and challenging and possibly inspiring and hopefully will add value to life and what you see in others.
Wishing you all the best, G

 

[Montanha]

I'm almost 21 too, didn't have any physical contact with anyone, and I'm gay. I don't express my sexuality to other people, I usually keep it to myself.
A couple months ago, I really didn't understand how could anyone like both genders, but after reading some posts here, I've learned a bit more about sexuality... I've watched/seen some straight porn, but nothing... women, for me, are better off with their clothes on.
Yeah, I know that I'm gay, but there's something in me that doesn't like it, at all. I'm probably too concerned with what other think of me.

And like grayhorse said, you'll probably learn more when you fall in love with someone. And I've been through that, it's painful to fall in love with someone straight, but you learn a lot about yourself.

 

[sdmister4]

when people say things about "one day when you're married and have kids," think about it less as an expectation and more as an assumption. you don't have to live up to an assumption, and an assumption can be wrong.

people will be surprised if you tell them you're not straight, but for the most part they won't be disappointed, and some will be happy that you're being honest with them and yourself. part of it being your life is the part where you care about it more than other people do, so it's easy to project that mentality onto other people when it's not necessarily true.

 

[cliffdweller]

If you know you're turned on by guys and not girls, then what are you confused about?

 

[bhandsome]

Thanks for everyones responses.

I think my fear is if knowing I'm gay, why should I have to continue to hide it, to please others? I randomly get an urge to just scream out, "I'm gay" but I can never find the right time. I find myself feeling uncomfortable when my friends are talking about sex with girls and saying, "I'm going to get you laid" and the first thing I think of is that I won't be able to get it up lol

Maybe it's just not meant for me to come out right now but I have an impatient mentality at times and it's taking forever. One very positive thing about knowing when I come out, my Mom and a good amount of my friends will still accept me for who I am. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm a different person...

 

[tipmyscales86]

Really all that matters is what you want for your life. What others want for you is meaningless.

I've been where you are. In the closet, and straight male friends talking about sex with women all the time and trying to "get you laid." After I came out, I drifted apart from some of those friends, wondering why the hell I was hanging out with people I had nothing in common with. There were a few that were very accepting, so I maintained friendship with them...and we keep the conversations limited to the common interests we do have.

I would suggest making friends with someone who would be more empathetic to your situation...gays, lesbians, or even straight women.

 

[mbamike]

You should experiment with both guys and girls to see which sex you feel most comfortable with as a sex partner. I wish I had done this when I was your age.

I know what you mean about societal pressures. Thanks to societal pressures, I ignore my sexual attraction to men, got married, had a kid, then got divorced. Please don't make the same mistakes I made. It is very painful.

It was not until later in life I decided to experiment and have my first gay sex encounter. It was wonderful! I wish you the best.

 

[cliffdweller]

One very positive thing about knowing when I come out, my Mom and a good amount of my friends will still accept me for who I am. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm a different person...

It doesn't sound like there *is* a reason for you to hide it.

 

[jaybiz650]

A lot of the things you've mentioned boil down to being other peoples expectations(i.e. having children and getting married). Don't allow yourself to be a slave to others expectations for you. Remember you're in control of your life and your happiness and one day you'll be comfortable with who you are. Just take your time and don't feel pressured.

 

[KaraBulut]

To Be Gay or Not, that is the question

It's a question that you've already answered. To the extent that you are sexually attracted to men, you are gay.

The problem is not being gay (which you most certainly are), it's living gay and what that means to you.

I cannot accept my sexuality if I don't know what I am.

You know.,, the problem here is analysis paralysis. It's a lot easier to think and analyze life instead of living it. If it were possible to analyze your sexual orientation away, you would have by now. But it's not possible and it's time you started living life and figuring out where life and love are going to take you.

So, what if...
... you actually made some gay friends?
... you actually went on a few dates with guys?
... you told your friends, "... I'm more into guys, I think..."?
... you just stopped all this analysis and just lived your life like everyone else?

The sly comments about "one day when you get married or when you have kids"

These days you can get married. You can have kids. The caveat is that in your case, it will most likely be with a same-sex partner.

 

[Telstra]

A lot of the things you've mentioned boil down to being other peoples expectations(i.e. having children and getting married). Don't allow yourself to be a slave to others expectations for you. Remember you're in control of your life and your happiness and one day you'll be comfortable with who you are. Just take your time and don't feel pressured.

what you said.

 

[bhandsome]

thank for all the responses! i guess time will tell because this will not be a fast process...

 

[bhandsome]

On my college campus we have an LGBT Alliance and that would be a good place to start discovering my sexuality, but I'm not interested in coming out to the world "right now" and by doing that I'm basically coming out; especially if I start attending meetings I've never been too.

I try not to discriminate whom I'm friends with, but there isn't a decent selection of people to talk to that are gay except my female friends imo. I guess only time will tell

 

[Seasoned]

Coming out to one's self can be a process and can be the most difficult person to come out to. You have to go at your own pace. We live in a heterosexist society where the assumption is everyone is straight.

You are at the stage where you don't want to admit you are different. That will change over time as it becomes more uncomfortable not being out.

Have you thought about calling the straight-gay alliance since dropping in is scary to do? You might find a sympathic person willing to talk or even meet to talk. If, for some reason, you get a tough ass on the phone just ask for someone with less edge. It's time to make the call. God luck to you.

 

[slnattak]

I think you're just worried about getting hurt, meeting a guy and having him be an asshole. People suck, and you being gay or straight doesn't really change that.

I agree, just live your life and the natural answers will fall into place. Do what you enjoy and try to make friendships based on that.

 

[maxpowr9]

If there is one piece of advice I could offer it is this: A real friend will always accept you regardless of your "flaws".