To forgive and forget? or neither.

[hanashimashou]

Hi Guys. I'm looking for some advice. I don't have many friends who have been through the same, so I'm hoping for advice from people with experience or from anyone really.

I've been with my boyfriend for 9months this wednesday. He's my first boyfriend and it has gone fantastically up until last friday.

He was at work and I went on MSN which automatically signed into his, then some offline messages came up from a friend of ours (a friend of mine too, but i met him through my boyfriend) There were all these messages about meeting up for sex, exchanging pics, how boring mine and my boyfriend's sex life had gotten and how he wanted to 'try something new'. He'd called me a few nasty names and described me in a bad way. I immediately messaged him about what i'd come across and he came home straight away. He continuously apologised and told me that nothing had actually happened and that they'd decided to stop the whole thing. I knew it actually hadn't happened yet because they were planning to do it later this week. So I thought I'd wait and see if he was genuine over the weekend. He hadn't told me why nor bought it up. He seemed ultra-normal all weekend unlike me, almost like nothing had happened and everything was normal which wasnt true. Everytime I looked at him I just remembered what I read.

I left him at the end of the weekend. I told him I didn't love him anymore for what he did. He was an absolute wreck. He couldnt stop crying he was almost vomiting. Everytime I said goodbye, he'd grab me and tell me he wouldnt let me go. I'd never felt so sad in my life. He finally let me go and I went home. I kept on texting him on the way home hoping he didnt do anything self-harm related or anything as in my head I kept on picturing it. At that point, I felt like I did still love him. Later on into the night after alot of messaging, crying and apologising, I took him back. He picked me up and we spent the night and today together then I came home today as I do every week. I have to be honest but when he had a shower today, I snooped on his MSN and all chat-history was cleared and the friend of his was blocked which is hopefully a good sign.

After I'd broken it off, the word got out. He told his Mum then almost his whole family sent me messages of support. I feel like they're all new family members to me. Everytime I got a message from anyone I cried, and especially when I got a message from his 8yr old niece, it almost killed me.

Am I being too soft by forgiving? It's gonna take a fucking looong time to forgive and forget but I really want to give him a second chance because I do love him, I know I do. It's just that I can't stop thinking about what he did and almost did which would have definately been the deal breaker.

If I haven't given enough information, please let me know. I just really need to know if I'm doing the right thing. I never EVER would do that to anyone, especially him. He was complaining last week about me hanging out with other gay friends when infact he was the one with a 'dirty little secret' unlike me.

Thanks guys



Zac,

 

[rareboy]

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Just ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Here's the thing. You're never going to forget. If you can, you must have the worst memory in the world. He's never going to forget either. The balance of power in the relationship has just shifted all over the place here.

You can forgive him, but you never totally will.

Having some sex on the side isn't something this guy is going to give up on. He can never take back the nasty names he called you.

My advice? Give it some more time, but I think your relationship died and now both of you are going to be just standing around looking at the corpse.

 

[G-Lexington]

No, you won't forget. Will you forgive? That's up to you.

I'm with rb, though. I don't know if this relationship is worth saving. Why is it that people can set up outside sex, even have outside sex...but once the other guy finds out, THEN they realize the error of their ways? I mean, he HAD to know you wouldn't be happy about it, and probably wouldn't stand for it. As my friend once told HIS cheating girlfriend, "Of course you're sorry. Sorry you got caught."

Lex

 

[racer2438]

There are many times in ones life that shit happens to and after we look deep into our mind we can forgive those who wronged us. Which is a good thing.

But then there are things that harm us and are to hard to just forget, in this case it WILL always be in your mind and you will always have the FEELING in your heart that he may still be up to something behind your back. You may want to give him a chance and see how he acts, and I keep a eye out.

But the other side of that is that you should not be having to do that in a releationship.

So you may want to move on and not have to find out again what he may do again.

But I live by one rule and that is Once a Cheater--Always a Cheater. And I dont have room our time for that in my life.

 

[Blissful Fool]

I agree that among those who cheat, it tends to be a trend. The typical situation is they are only sorry they got caught.

However, his response DOES seem strong. It's likely he was being flippant and taking you for granted, and there's a chance he might not now. People I know who've cornered others about cheating or have been cornered regarding cheating usually don't react half so strongly as vomiting and crying, they just beg for forgiveness briefly and things either go on or they don't. So I'm a little unsure here, this could go multiple ways. He really desperately seemed to want you back, but he certainly wasn't acting it before, and although the plans didn't go through this time, with that kind of speech, who's to say it hasn't happened further in the past? These things need to be addressed.

Regardless of what anyone suggests you're going to do what you want and you feel is right. So make sure you are okay with your situation, and it depends on if you can still trust him. I can agree you will not forget this, but you might have it in you to forgive him if he can stay faithful.

 

[saymyname]

I don't know man. It sounds like you gave him a wake up call. If he was crying and almost vomiting, he must have been pretty scared of the idea of actually losing you. If you've ever cried so hard over a guy that you almost puke, you know how much you care about him. It's crazy. The cheating thing wouldn't be the issue for me here, it'd be the names he called you - maybe try and work on what those represent in your relationship, if they had a specific connotation, and gradually approach any issues you might have with each other in that regard. But it sounds like you've scared him enough, and like he's learned his lesson, to be honest.

 

[Georgiadude]

This relationship is still in a heap of trouble. He played you for a fool. It was by some fluke chance he got caught. He called you hurtful names and was going to have sex with someone that was supposed to be your friend. He acted like things were normal and only when you went to leave did it seem to bother him. This will never fully go away and things will never be the same again. You have to decide if you can live with the thought of him cheating always in the back of your mind. Have you thought about getting some couples counseling? It may help, it may not. I tend to believe the saying "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice....shame on me." I'd have a hard time forgiving someone that called me hurtful names and setting up sex with my "friend." I damn sure know I'd NEVER forget.

Steven.