To stay or leave my bf?

[mrdude]

Writing this out sucks
I'm completely stuck and I don't know what to do. I don't want to go too big on it, but basically I found out my bf had the intention of cheating on me when I was away.

I talked to him about how hard this is gonna be when I left for the week, with my anxiety being high and trusting him that he won't play with other guys (he has history where we live), but he assured me he'd never jeopardise our relationship and would never hurt me as he loves me.
So while I was away, I had my suspicions he may have done something. Sure enough, when I got back, I went on his phone and saw messages of trying to hook up with a fb he's seen a couple times. (I know, I'm not proud to what I did, but I was right all along).

I was in complete shock and confused, and didn't sink in when I read it. So, we had a talk about it and it admitted he had strong thoughts of going along with it, but never did.

Anyway, as I was talking to him more about it, he said it was bait for me to look into his phone, as he wanted me to see the messages to gain his trust from me. But I thought, that's a very cruel thing to do, especially how he knows how bad my anxiety is, trust issues, and he knew how much this would upset me... So I found that odd. I said that also contradicts when he said his first thoughts was to sleep with the guy so that doesn't make sense at all.

This happened just over a month now, and I'm still affected by it. He says its the biggest mistake in his life, and asks for forgiveness, and was only thinking with his dick. That I understand, as we're both tops, And we discussed we would only play with another guy together only. He knew that, and agreed.

When we met, he wanted a relationship when the right guy came, but I said I wasn't as I was still working on my personal issues and wouldn't know how I'd cope in a relationship. Obviously it's got the worst out of me. Always had trust issues from the past, anxiety, insecurities, and very jealous as I've noticed in myself.

I love him, I find him extremely attractive, and the thought of him playing with another guy triggers my anxiety. If I need to leave again, or if he goes away for work for a few days, my anxiety is already up and I can't live like that.

So I don't know what to do. As days go by, I'm hoping I can gain my trust to him and move on from this, but I still can't. I'm still miserable and still hurts to this day.
If I leave, I don't know how I'd cope tbh. It'll be hard to start fresh, with my personal issues.

I'm finding it very hard to make a decision, and I need to make one fast cause the longer I deal with this, the harder it's gonna get. I don't say anything to him anymore as all he can say is he's sorry and it's all up to me. I don't want to make the wrong decision and regret it. Need your help...

 

[Seasoned]

You have to make your own decision, but there are things you can do to help you decide.

Revisit the parameters of your relationship. It's possible to be a top when dating and being versitle with a partner. Discuss your and his commitment to fedelity. Discuss couple's counseling. The bottom line is your emotional health. If you can't reduce your anxiety and if you are going to continue to spy on him, you're more than halfway to you're decision.

 

[naughtyeddie]

i a guy cant stay faithful for a week

- - - Updated - - -

it says alot if a guy cant stay faithful for a week

 

[KaraBulut]

...I love him, I find him extremely attractive, and the thought of him playing with another guy triggers my anxiety. If I need to leave again, or if he goes away for work for a few days, my anxiety is already up and I can't live like that.

So I don't know what to do. As days go by, I'm hoping I can gain my trust to him and move on from this, but I still can't. I'm still miserable and still hurts to this day.
If I leave, I don't know how I'd cope tbh. It'll be hard to start fresh, with my personal issues.

I'm finding it very hard to make a decision, and I need to make one fast cause the longer I deal with this, the harder it's gonna get. I don't say anything to him anymore as all he can say is he's sorry and it's all up to me. I don't want to make the wrong decision and regret it. Need your help...

There's really two issues:

1. He agreed to a particular set of conditions around your "open" relationship, then he didn't honor those conditions. There's a question about motive but there does seem to be a compulsive, addictive component to his near-cheating.
2. Your own insecurities.

If you're committed to trying to make this work and move past it, then you both have your own issues that you need to work on. This might be where a few sessions in couples counseling might help both of you to work on your own issues, separately and together.

 

[eastofeden]

The anxiety and trust issues....I think you need to be honest with yourself....

Love and lust are two different things.....sometimes they exist at the same time with the same person and that is great...but the love may not be any less when they don't. This is a reality. A lot of people consider it a "moral failure". I disagree with them..I consider lying to someone who trusts you a moral failure....

Fucking someone else when you are horny...eh? There are so many reasons that it happens....from just being a slut and wanting to experience sex with other people...to sexual addiction...and every conceivable reason in between. You name it....and none of these things you can control....ever.....

So...my advice...start taking care of the anxiety first. Tell yourself the truth..it helps a great deal. The truth? No matter how cute you are..how much love you feel for anyone...how big your dick is..how much money you have...you will never be the whole anything for anyone else...and you should be thankful for that....because being everything is a huge responsibility and it requires a pedestal...and people shouldn't be on pedestals.....statues belong on pedestals....

I could go on...but I suggest you ponder that.

One more thing to consider....

There are a few ways to control people that never turn out well...like munchausen syndrome...or nasty manipulations...but that will just amp up your anxiety I would suspect...and it is much easier IMO to see life..and people...with all the splendor and flaws...with clear eyes..

As for leaving him...it is definitely not my place to tell you one way or the other..which is why I gave you some more food for thought instead....

Good Luck ((()))

 

[mrdude]

Thanks guys for your replies. It's been 6 months being together so I think counselling would be kinda early, and I don't think I'd be comfortable with that.
Today has been really hard, and I think I'm leaning more towards leaving. At the end of the day, it's all about trust, and honestly even though I believe to an extent he won't do the same mistake again when I'm away for a few days or him going away, I'm always gonna think he's up to something. I think the damage has been done and I understand ppl can shrug this off, but unfortunately for me with my personality traits, it makes the situation worse. Man this hurts

 

[mrdude]

Why am I finding this so hard to decide? I can't stop thinking about it and it's driving me insane.

 

[voltage]

Your post reminds me of myself ~10 years ago, with my first boyfriend. Now I think back to that time and I cringe. I'm not saying that to invalidate your feelings, but I don't believe that level of anxiety and jealously in a relationship is healthy. It certainly isn't love.

I think that some people are just pre-disposed to sleeping around. It isn't bad or good, it's just who they are. At a certain point, you need to decide whether you accept your boyfriend for who he is. Don't try to change him, because trust me that will just lead to more heartache.

My current BF is more of the monogamous type (like me) which I very much appreciate, but if he wasn't I think I would be OK with that. I wouldn't try to keep him locked up in a cage or force him to be someone he's not. Trust goes both ways and it starts with allowing your boyfriend to be honest about who he is.

 

[TX-Beau]

I'm also not jealous when it come to fucking, but I can be a bitch about intimacy - however, I know this is my issue, and if you want a guy to be honest, you have to make it as easy as possible for him to be honest. If you go all jealous haufrau on him, I guarantee you he won't be telling you things, and just avoid saying anything that might bring about recriminations.

THAT, is no way to live for anyone. I am going to tell you to leave, not because he's wrong and you're right, or vice-versa, but because you can't get over this and that alone will doom you.

When you finally do leave, work on yourself, because if you carry this baggage to another guy, it will doom that as well.

 

[KaraBulut]

It's been 6 months being together so I think counselling would be kinda early, and I don't think I'd be comfortable with that. (

It's never too early for counseling.... if you feel that you're in it for the long haul.

But that section in italics is probably telling in itself, isn't it?

 

[mrdude]

That's true, I want to get over it but I can't and I'm fighting myself so hard to not think negative of the situation or to just leave it all behind and move on.
He's the guy I've always dreamt about, and I have him and I think because of that I don't want to let that go - as much as it hurts me.

Another reason is I don't want to go back home. It's sad but I never moved out of home and I was 31. I was in a different city to look for a place on my own, so I could finally get on with my life and fight my anxiety, but that's when I met this guy, and so we got on and he wanted me to move in with him in another state. (He was on work leave). So I went through with it. Everything just changed in my life very unexpectedly and for the good. Met a guy, new place, new state, new job... I've never been so happy before especially the man I was with. And now all this has happened and I think that's why it's so hard to make that final decision.

That's another big part to why I don't want to leave. If I do leave, all I can think about is him playing with other guys (very attracted to him), thinking of him, where to look for a new place, etc.

I understand what you guys are saying, but I dunno. I know I'll be worse off if I leave, but if I stay I'm gonna go insane.... Oh boy.