Ok, now that I've stopped crying for the third time, and I don't feel it coming back, I might be able to keep it together to finish this post.
So right after that post I went and asked my dad if he had a second to sit with me and my mom in the living room. When we sat down I said I wanted to talk, so my mom paused the TV. I started out with a smile because I was so nervous. Both of them had that "oh fuck" look on their faces.
So I said "About tonight's dinner conversation... I'm not interested in girls."
Silence, then about ten of the longest seconds of my life later my dad says with a smile on his face "Does that mean you wanna date boys?"
It wasn't said kindly, it was said sarcastically.
"Yes. I do."
More silence.
My smile is gone. Now I'm just trying to keep myself from shaking.
Conversation proceeds, I tell them that I can't help it and that I was born gay. My mom was trying to look concerned I think, because her face was screwed up in this weird, half smile, half ready to cry, and above it all trying to stay expressionless look. I couldn't even bring myself to look at my dad. Later, my dad kept asking "How are you sure?" and "But how do you know?" etc. probably about 8-10 times. I told them I've been holding it in for years and I was afraid to tell them because I didn't want to be kicked out, or lose financial support for college. My mom said in an only half convincing tone that "nothing will change", and "we still love you". I told them I used a help site and that I had worked over the last couple years towards coming out. They muttered that they were sorry i was struggling. Then my dad says "a help site is ok but stay away from gay porn or other gay sites because they have shit on them that is ronchy." I tell them I haven't been looking at anything like that (lie) and then i felt the need to apologize. I don't really even know what for, but I said I was sorry. My mom said they weren't disappointed and there was nothing to be sorry about.
Silence...
Then she broke and laughed. That's right, I was sweating through three layers of deodorant, shaking, probably pale green (or the color of a red crayon), and she laughs. I mean I know its hard for her to take in, but I wanted to die. I was looking out the sliding glass door, really just thinking to myself how much of a fucking dumbass I am. She apologizes and says it's just a lot to hit her with, and says in this odd way "if you have any more bombshells how about you drop them now." I said no.
We sit there for a few minutes, all looking as far away from one another as possible. My mom asks if I have a boyfriend or ever have, I say no. It was so weird to hear it coming out of her mouth. I got this really uncomfortable feeling like they caught me jacking off or something, I don't know how else to explain it. She tells me not to be annoying or flamboyant and then tells me to be smart about relationships (doesn't elaborate thank god). Dad asks me a few more times how I'm sure and is unsatisfied with my answers.
The rest is kind of a blur. It was really just a couple of awkward questions between really long silences. They asked about my friends, and I told them I've never had a relationship like that with any friends and that I really don't even have friends at the moment. Then some more of how I'm sure and just a bunch of other things that I don't even care to remember.
It ended when my mom said "this silence is killing me" and I told her to turn the TV back on and went into my room.
I turned on music loud enough that they couldn't hear me and crawled under my desk to call my friend in PA that I talk to a lot. Even though we've never met face to face, he and his girlfriend are the best friends I've ever had and I'm glad to know them. They are about 4-5 years older than me, but we met about 3 years ago because we both breed geckos. I told him I was gay in January I think, so he knew what was up. I start to choke up and tell him I should talk to him on instant messenger. So I sat there, absolutely balling, wiping away tears every once in a while to exchange instant messages. Couple times I stopped crying, but it started back up again. I went ahead and told him to go to bed, but he said he'd leave his cell phone on. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't have been able to talk to him. When I went in my room I was contemplating suicide, even though I've been down that path before and know better, I couldn't get it out of my mind.
Well, looks like this turned into a full fledged novel here, and I don't have an ending for you. I actually still don't know what I'll do, but I know sleeping won't be coming any time soon.
