Top needs HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Roland00]

I really, really like this guy and everything else in our relationship is great! We get along very well, we spend time with each other and I feel a very deep connection with him.....and I can tell he feels it too. But I can't seem to get past my fear, anxiety, awkwardness and every other emotion that the thought of bottoming for a guy brings up. Aside from the physical pain, mentally, I just don't think I could do it. I would feel completely demasculinized, completely awkward, completely ashamed and a whole ton of other feelings! Besides, I have always been a Top.....always aggressive and the thought of being the passive one during sex is such a HUGE turn-off for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your scared, your out of control of the situation. Normally you can hide your fears and anxiety by you being the one in control, being the one who is aggressive. But with the roles reverse you don't know what to do. Its like your an actor for a play, since you don't know your lines, you don't know what to do next, and thus you become extremely nervous, anxious, and just want it to stop and you just want to hide.

Couple things to do

First recognize you are anxious. Now that you recognize you are anxious you got a couple things you can do, you can hide, you can do denial, you can challenge your boyfriend (the "fight" instead of the flight), or you can confront your anxiety and deal with it. The last option in the long run is the best.

Second if you confront your anxiety that means your anxiety doesn't go away instantly, you have to ride the storm. Breathing exercises can help. Realizing it will be over eventually also helps.

Third if your boyfriend is getting too aggressive, that it feels like he is pushing you then your anxiety will get far worse. You aren't in control of the situation and since you aren't in control you can't stop your anxiety you realize and thus your anxiety controls you. For your first time bottoming your personality calls for your boyfriend to do the slow romantic thing with some going slowly to build trust type thing. Him acting like a horny teenager makes you more anxious. He can act like a horny teenager after the first time

There are some more things I can say, but I will say them later when they come to me. I already hit the big ones

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Muscleman,

Mate...what scares me here more than you're rigorous self defense of your position is that you are completely unwilling to compromise.

I get that you are the top. I get that you like to be the aggressive one. What I dont get is your lack of understanding or willingness to make changes or sacrifices for someone you love.

Now I'm not suggesting that bottoming is what you need to do. But geez mate, if you take this attitude with you into every issue that arrises in a relationship then its easy to see why you prefer bottoms only.

You seriously need to think about the consequences of your actions here. You say your partner used to top only. Now he is willing to bottom for someone he cares about. Listen to what he is saying. I'll bet that he thinks just like you. He likes to be aggressive. He likes to top. But he is willing to sacrifice because he cares. He now sees that you are not willing to do the same. Hence he is reverting back to his original role...the aggressor. Like you.

I understand that you mentally struggle with being dominated. But so may your partner. I understand that you need to feel the power and be in control. But so may your partner.

The difference here is muscleman...he has been willing to compromise. He has been willing to forgo some of his own needs for yours. You on the other hand seem completely unwilling.

Look. The top/bottom thing is a huge issue. But its only the start of them. If your rigidity applies to the rest of your life like this then I fear for the future of your relationship.

Please mate...you need to seriously think about your feelings and emotions here.

I would feel completely demasculinized, completely awkward, completely ashamed and a whole ton of other feelings!

I worry that you may not be understanding that you are maybe making your partner feel the same way...

You love this guy mate. You have a connection. This is something that can make or break this relationship. Bottoming isnt for everyone...thats for sure. I'm still learning. Its still uncomfortable. But its a gift that I am willing to give for someone I care deeply about. Its selfish to put my needs completely beyond my partners.

I dont know why bottoming would make you feel the way you do. Maybe its your upbringing I dont know.

What I do know is this. Knowing how hard it would be for you, knowing that you were prepared to try and keep trying would be the greatest sign of dedication love and understanding you could show your partner. By giving yourself, accepting that what you are doing by bottoming is nothing more than an act of respect, an act of compassion...an act of real emotional connection, that you'll soon realise that its not demeaning nor is it humiliating. Its an act of closeness trust and love. Its a gift that only you can give...and only to someone who is worthy.

You may never love it. Hell you may never even really enjoy it. But as a symbol of your dedication and willingness to compromise, to work things out, to show your determination for this relationship to last...then its priceless. The act itself is almost meaningless. The fact that you would be willing to do it in the first place is valuable beyond words.

If you are convinced that you cant ever accept equality in the bedroom muscleman, then you have to make the hardest decision. And that is the one where you question how much you love this guy...and how much right you have for him to be unhappy in your relationship. You have to ask yourself if you should continue in a situation where only one of you is happy. And thats a way bigger sacrifice to make than bottoming if you do really love this guy.

 

[Storybook_Man]

Try giving him something he wants, aka you bottoming. Even if you aren't interested in it, do it for him since you like him so much. Just let him know that you aren't into bottoming but that you will for him at times. It will cause the tension on his end to cease. Also tell him how you feel about him. Maybe he will change his mind if you haven't already told him about you not bottoming. As for you, I don't see why you would be demasculinized, other then getting a dick in your ass, well lets just say you are putting yours in a guys so how much different can it be if you get it stuck in yours? Well I guess getting it stuck in your ass is different then sticking it in someone elses.

As for fingering, it feels a lot more akward then getting a dick stuck in. Well at least for me it does. I usually tell the guy no fingers haha, I just want his dick.

 

[CagedBird]

I'm still surprised to read threads about how "painful" anal may or can be!

Ive researched numerous sites/forums & gotten advice from those experienced in anal. You know what? They all say anal should NEVER hurt if done right & its a pleasure all humans should experience.

I believed in what I read on anal & as such experimented with relaxing, masturbating & in no time penetrated my anal orifice with three fingers [nearly the thickness of an average dick]. I did this the first time around & it gave me the biggest orgasm Ive had to date while masturbating.

Cant wait for the real thing [btw, Ive screwed only woman for last few decades, I know I will be Vers for sure].

Change is good MuscleMan! [dont forget the lube]

 

[justsimon]

I'm a dominant, bdsm top who loves anal play and getting fucked. Trust me, it's totally possible to take it without submitting. Why don't you try topping from the bottom or tie him up and straddle him, use him... there are a lot of ways to get over the fears and discomfort that often come with taking it.

 

[spreadeagle]

You're totally screwed already. Call the whole thing off and continue with your rigid straight-laced ways. It's quite clear you've had no respect for any man you've ever had sex with and at 35 change is impossible.

 

[NickCole]

I'm a top, that's what I enjoy and am comfortable with because anal penetration is not a turn-on for me, and in fact is usually uncomfortable and sometimes painful. That's my body. I also have a spot on my chest that if my bf rests his head on it, is painful. That's my body. Too many of you don't take into account the pleasure/pain points that are unique to each individual body.

For me, topping has nothing to do with power or masculinity or any of that stuff; in fact I love a power bottom who enjoys taking the aggressive role. I love versatility -- but I also know what produces pleasure to my body.

I've had several boyfriends; two of them were tops. Sometimes sex between two people who love being together just flows naturally and easily, and sometimes it needs to be figured out. Ultimately I bottomed for both those guys as much as they did for me. I loved being sexual with both of them because I loved them, and there were times I even enjoyed bottoming -- though the truth is those times included some kind of drug or alcohol. They were very different kinds of men and very different relationships. One liked to top because he liked the sensation, the other topped because it gave him a feeling of power over his partner. The end of those relationships had nothing to do with who bottomed (although breaking up with one had to do with his trying to exert real power over me, which he did in several ways including in bed -- I'm just not comfortable with that in any situation: power, to me, is a personal thing, I have mine and you have yours, and I like to be with a man who wants my power increased, not diminished -- just as I want to do that for him).

I really think most of you are being unnecessarily harsh and judgemental about this. It's a problem that needs resolving but for me, and it sounds like for MuscleManNYC, it's about sexual pleasure, both physical and mental, and not about deep-seated issues of power and masculine/feminine roles. Some men use sexual seduction and sex as a power tool, but lots more men (in my experience anyway) use it for pleasure, fun and a way to intimately connect with another human being.

To MuscleManNYC -- you have a very simple decision to make. Not easy, but simple. If you want to continue this relationship you have to at least give a sincere attempt at letting your bf top you. Maybe you really won't be able to stand it, and that's reasonable if it's true -- but not giving it a real try, simply because it's important to him, could create so much resentment in him that he'll end up turning away from you. If you want to do it, try very slowly, letting him finger you. Do whatever you can to relax your mind and your body (I'm not recommending drugs or alcohol -- do it your way, and the healthier it is, obviously, the better), and take plenty of time. Trust has a lot to do with being able to relax and enjoy it. I did enjoy it sometimes with both of them and I'm very very glad I made the effort.

 

[CagedBird]

You're totally screwed already. Call the whole thing off and continue with your rigid straight-laced ways. It's quite clear you've had no respect for any man you've ever had sex with and at 35 change is impossible.

spreadeagle, I appreciate your view of "rigid straight- laced ways". Its hard not to be impatient with this guy on the subject.


I do take exception to " ...and at age 35, its impossible to change". Perhaps this is true of MuscleMan , but say it isnt so about all men. You & I are close in age. Certainly you know if the desire is there to change, it can be done. Ive been closeted all my life & just came out a few weeks ago. Thats was hard to do, a major change to be sure. Now more changes late in life: Im going to start dating all over again, this time with men...now thats change!

Caged

 

[ReZerection]

WOW.

If I felt or associated my being bottoming for my bf with that of being a woman, or atleast taking on the role as one, I'd stop having sex altogether.

My bf first told me that he was a top and never bottomed and didn't know if he could. Well I did the bottom thing for him for a few weeks and then I started making my feelings known. I'm a versatile guy. I can give or take. And both work for me. Its not that I like to bottom, its the feeling I get emotionally and mentally when I know that bottoming for him is fullfilling his needs at what ever point in time. It's my willingness to make him happy. Thats what I get out of bottoming, I mean my god, I'm a guy just as you, and I really don't get any type of good physical sensation from doing it, but that makes no difference to me. The point is, that when I do bottom, its not for me, its for him.

Now after those first few weeks, like I said I made my feelings known, and he decided to try it out. And just like me, he wasn't to sure about it, especially the pain of the first time. But he eventually got use to it, just as I did. Now He has no problem with bottoming for me. Actually he can get hard and have an orgasm while bottoming for me, I, on the other hand, loose my erection as soon as he enters and can't get hard at all. So, you never know.

But my only advice to you is, if you don't want to do it, then don't, if you do, then have a go at it, and know that the first few times aren't the greatest. Just make sure that what ever your decision is, is for the right reasons. But just know that with him being versatile, he may very well start loosing some of his feelings towards you, knowing that he and you will never experience that with each other. There's nothing wrong with that, this I guess is where things get hard, and you have to be fair to one another, and accept the fact that you aren't sexually compatible. There's nothing wrong with that either.

Good luck with what ever your choice is. And keep us posted if you'd like.

Chad-

 

[slobone]

I don't see any easy answers here and I especially don't see any point in lecturing you about how you "should" feel about sex. There could be all kinds of reasons why a couple discovers that they're sexually incompatible.

Either they can negotiate a solution based on their feelings for each other, or they can't. In your case it sounds like negotiations have broken down. I suggest you move on.

But you might ask yourself why a "total top" would be attracted in the first place to a guy who's not a total bottom. Faulty "top-dar"? Next time do a little more investigating before you commit.

 

[New_Secrets]

I'd say break up if he is truly versatile and you don't feel comfortable being a bottom. I'm the same way, but opposite. I can't be with a guy who is versatile either, but I am 100% bottom. Not to be passive or whatever, it's just what I feel best doing. You'll never both be completely happy if you're not getting what you really want. Both of you really want something different. If you can't get past that, then I say you have to break up. That's just my opinion.

 

[Something Else]

To echo what many have already stated prior...

If you're a 100% top (i'm NOT so I CAN'T really comprehend the concept of 100%)

and he's a versatile top (something I CAN relate to entirely)

and you're NOT comfortable/willing/able to bottom for him--despite your strong affection/desire/emotions for him.

Then it's time to end the relationship.

As you're denying him a sexual NEED that he's sacrificed himself so he can appease your NEEDS.

And since you're uncomfortable/unwilling/unable to bottom for him--irrespective of knowing this--it's really going to strain the relationship...if not already.

He will, invariably, look ELSEWHERE to satisfy his NEED to top--if he's truly a Top/versatile guy.

Personally, I could bottom for a guy that I really REALLY cared for, predominantly, but definitely not EXCLUSIVELY; hence as I'm a versatile/top.

In fact, one of the first questions I ask before I even consider dealing with ANY men is that they ARE versatile.

If not and they are 100% top/bottoms, then the relationship doesn't even begin.

Because what you're dealing with is what, invariably, WILL occur after getting your heart into it when not sexually compatible.

So, ultimately, either you maintain your 100% percent status and leave the relationship with the understanding of sexual incompatibilities.

Or you allow your LOVER to love you in the way that you LOVE him.

And see if you have a change of heart.

from my vantage point it's an easy choice, but of course I am not 100% Top/Bottom so it's not the same perspective, obviously.

 

[Seasoned]

A gay , or gay friendly therapist might be in order. We all come around to what we like and don't like, but labeling plays such a mind game. I'd call myself a passive top and I love aggressive bottoms. If we put judgements on what we do or don't do it makes us hard to respect or love the partner that craves what we hate. I'd work on trying to overcome the stereotypes. What I've come to enjoy about being gay is that sexually it's all in play. How freeing is that?

 

[SilverRRCloud]

I have never bottomed.

I have absolutely no interest and equally so, no intention of doing anything of the kind in this lifetime.

I always, always, always make my orientation absolutely clear from the day 1. I also always state beyond any doubt that the matter, as far as I am concerned, is written in stone. Period. (Did I say: ALWAYS?)

Make sure that you never fail to do this first, most important step. You know, who you are. But the other dude does not. He must be told in no unmistakable terms all that he needs to know, so that he can make his decisions in his time.

By not being absolutely clear and adamant about your orientation, you have created your own, seemingly unresolvable crisis.

I see neither sex nor love as matters of sacrifice on anyone's part. I gladly respect people who do. Love and sex are the matters I associate with mutual compatibility.

Obviously, there is 'no middle way here'. And there are only three conceivable solutions of your relationship crisis:

1/ You agree to bottom for him. You value your relationhip more than your mental, emotional and other roadblocks, so these get thrown overboard;

2/ He agrees that you do not bottom for him and rests his case. He values his relationship with you more than his desire to top you
;
3/ You part as friends and stop wasting each other's time.

Do not fool yourself. It is either you having it your way, or is it him having it his way or it is the end.

So, you call the shots and so does he.

SC

 

[blueto21]

Also, and this isn't necessarily directed at you, but as much as anyone here would like to say the sex shouldn't be that important, it's how you feel about the other person, le't s be honest people. if it was really all about loving the other person for who they are on the inside, then it shouldn't matter what sex the person is either. Sex is a vital part of most healthy relationships, and if one of the parties involved isn't happy, it will effect the relationship.

Thank you so much for saying this and I agree 100%. I can’t believe these people actual think sex isn’t an important aspect of a healthy relationship. It most certainly is.


This is to the OP.

You know what your mistake was? Your mistake was hoping that he was a 100% bottom. Why didn’t you discuss this before becoming exclusive with him? I don’t understand this! Why don’t gay men discuss these types of issues before committing to a relationship? It makes no sense to me whatsoever! That was your mistake in assuming that he was 100% bottom. You should of known better. You should have discussed the issue before hand. And now you’re stuck. The best thing you can do at this point is at least try bottoming for the sake of your boyfriend. If you’re unwilling to compromise and work through this issue with him then you need to break it off and stop wasting his and your time. That’s all I have to say.

 

[sebastian-k]

....The point is, that when I do bottom, its not for me, its for him....

Totally agree with you Chad.

 

[mac_twck]

I was not going to get into this debate but since "I" (as a lady) was asked.......

I never thought of myself as passive in my sexual relationships, I was always in control. I think most women decide when, how much, how often, and probably in which position....news flash not always penatration would take place either.

I am sure it is the same for most humans, it varies from day to day.

Now if I had a partner who was incompatable due to kinks, frequency, etc...it is best just to move on.

Mac

 

[Nagash]

I wonder if he's even reading the post anymore. He hasn't responded in a while.