torn between two guys

[cosmoo]

Hi,

I very rarely post on this forum but this time I really needed to tell my story and would like to know what you guys are thinking.

Let me tell you a bit about the situation and myself. I'm a 29 year old guy from Brussels, Belgium and have had a lot of luck in life. I have a good job, great family, good friends,... but a crappy lovelifesituation which is entirely my fault.

I'm a pretty silent guy that only loosens up around the right people and up until I was 24 I didn't think there were gonna be people (partners) I could spend a full week with, let alone my life. I didn't sleep around or anything, I just accepted it and was already happy I had some good friends and cool hobbies. I was working at a teacher at that time and didn't really liked my job as it was too socially tiring for me.

In my second year as a teacher I met a Spanish guy (he was 22 at the time) that was here on Erasmus (university exchange project). I saw him at a party once and really liked him fysically and when he came up to a friend of mine to set him up with a friend of his I decided to talk to him, as we knew he was spanish I talked about the spanish classes I was taking and stuff. A few days later we had a first date, I was very nervous of course as I thought he was way out of my league and knowing that I had difficulties really connecting with people. Turned out that he was a very nice guy, on my wavelength and we could really talk! The language difference made it easier as I could make fun of his english, he of my spanish... and he felt the same! Of course we knew that after 6 months he had to leave to go back to Spain but actually that made things easier: we didnt have to worry about where it was going, we were just gonna enjoy the moment and we travelled some cities together, spend time in the park, I showed him my country... it was great.

When he had to take off for spain I went to visit him after 3 weeks or so and stayed at his place for 10 days and really liked it. As I was tired of my job and people like him dont come along every day I decided to move to Madrid for some time. I rented an appartment with a roommate and he had to finish his final year of university and lived at his parents place. We saw eachother a lot, like 4 times a week and he introduced me to his friends, to his parents, we went to movies... I studied spanish in a school and met some friends and it was a great year. I didnt find a job there though (economic situation there is very bad) so after one year I was gonna go back to Belgium to start working again as he had to leave Madrid as well to study a master after master in Barcelona. We didnt really mind to match as the whole of our relationship we never knew where things were heading so we thought we'd figure out as we went. After half year of visiting back and fourth and him telling me that after that year finished he was gonna be sent to S-America for 15 months to do an internship we (I) decided to put our relationship on hold as I couldn't keep quitting my jobs to follow him around the wold and that being with somebody (in a relationship) but at the same time not being able to be with that person geographically was very difficult for me, he was disappointed but understood. We did keep in touch by skyping like every week and I went to visit him in S-America as well and everytime we see eachother we really get along again like we used to. We can talk about everything and even stupid activities or bus drives are fun with him., but I have to admit that my sexdrive towards him had gotten lesser.

Him living in S-America was 2012-2013 and in the summer of 2013 I met another guy in Belgium. A really great guy that I could also really talk to, felt at ease with, find very beautiful, could talk to about anything... He had a relationship of already 6 years but after meeting a few times (without it being dates! At first we thought it was just gonna be a friendship) it really clicked and so we talked about our feelings: I had my long distance relationship (which wasnt really a relationship but the fact that we talked every week made it feel a bit like it was) and he had his boyfriend of 5 years but the fire died in their relationship and they just stayed together because they became good friends and had all their friends in common...
So we talked about our feelings (without cheating!) and decided we had to give it a try. I told my spanish guy, (he was very disappointed be understood) he told his boyfriend (who was really afraid of being alone again) and so we went for it! After one week though my new belgian bf decided he might have acted to quickly in it and he owed it to his ex-bf to give it another try. I was very disappointed, said I understood and after a few days I said to him: look, I understand your decision, I respect it, I just want you to know how I feel about you: I told him I really saw a future for us, that he was one of the few people I could really talk to and that I regret that it ended like that. After leaving it at that for a week he decided that he just couldn't leave it unexplored with me, that he was really in love and that we should go for it again. Of course stupid me already told my spanish guy that I was single again, that I missed him...

I did than start with the belgian again but decided not to tell the spanish guy again that soon. I lasted not telling him for over a month and felt very guilty about it. My belgian bf confronted me with it (of course he was right to do so) and so I told the spanish guy again: he ofcourse didnt understand why I didnt tell him and felt betrayed, told me he loved me and he expected us to grow old together and everything and I felt very guilty and all of the good moments came rushing back, the exciting future of being with a spaniard that made life interesting... I was emotionally very unstable then and really didnt know how to behave or what I wanted anymore. I decided to split up with my belgian bf than because I really didnt feel good with the situation and got back together online (way too quickly) with the spanish one. Once I did that I regretted again but I began to see the pattern: always going back and forth and I dont want it to keep happening again. That situation happened in november 2013. Ever since then I really miss the belgian guy (who is together again with his ex-bf but for some reason, he still loves me too. We kept in touch until last month when he said he couldnt take it anymore: seeing me but not being with me). Since january the spanish guy is living in Paris for 1 year which is close from here by train (like 3 hours) so we can visit eachother a lot but I really want someone to be there for me all the time + the fysical attraction isnt there anymore but I still can talk to him for hours. He told me that next year he wants to come live with me but that's still a long time and I want to know if I made the right decision now, before the belgian one is gone forever. They both are really great persons (better than me right now) and are very different but complimentary: the spanish one is very adventurous, funny, smart.. the belgian one is very sweet, I'm more attracted to him, is there for me and has the same interests as me (he's also smart and funny of course but in a different way).

I have the feeling that with the belgian it has more chance of success if I can give myself 100%: living in the same country wouldn't be a problem, we really respect eachother... I'm just scared of our life together: that it's gonna be traditional... I really want to be with him right now but am scared that I'm gonna be bored of him and he of me in 10 years time.

With the spanish guy it will always be difficult: me leaving in another country or he living in mine, without having a job in your levels of capacity, but we have so much fun together, he never stopped loving me, when we grow old we can go live in spain in the sun... I really like him but cannot give myself 100% because of the situation and all the uncertainty.

They each have different qualities that I really want in a guy and in a relationship and now I'm not with the belgian, who I could spend my time with right now and have good times with and build something with. But I am with the spanish that I see every few weekends, have fun with, dont really want sex with anymore (though still find him very beautiful, its just a more mature love I guess and the crappy situation). I'm just really scared that I'm gonna take a decision again, hurt a lot of people and will regret it again.

Thanks for reading. If you have any insights, please dont hesitate to share them

 

[checkinthingsout]

Wow that was an extremely long post to get too. I would suggest utilizing bullet points next time .

Spaniard guy would be my choice for a couple of reasons:

1. From your post, you know way more about this guy vs. Belgian guy who you have only known for a year.
2. It seems you have a stronger friendship with the Spaniard guy. This will help to sustain your relationship even when sex life isnt what it used to be
3. The Belgian went back to his ex. He still has feelings for him in my opinion. Otherwise I would think that he would move on to someone else...


Questions:

1. In what way are you less sexually attracted to Spaniard? Is it because you have known him longer, or has he changed a lot physically? Is this something that can be discussed and fixed?


2. What is the likelihood that in 1-3 years you and Spaniard will be able to live in the same country?

3. Hypothetically, if you could have a baby, who would you want to have and raise a child with and why?

 

[Robert12345]

I would pick neither. To be blunt the Spaniard chose his education/career above you not once but 3 times. He could have done an extra master in Brussels as well, find an internship there etc. I think you invested a lot in this relationship and hardly got anything back. Besides you say you are not that sexually attracted to him anymore...

Your Belgian friend needs to work things out with his current bf first. Jumping from one serious relationship to another usually ends badly (there are exceptions though). Either way he is definitely too attached to the other guy at the moment.

I would try to take things not that seriously, thinking about how a relationship is going to be in 10 years time is not going to help you. I think you are scared of growing old alone, an idea that is quite common for gay men. Don't 'pick' someone just so you have a back up plan. Try to find a guy that is the entire package. You found two nice guys allready, probably a third or more is around Brussels has a very active gay community, you will meet someone else.

 

[cosmoo]

hej Robert and Checkingthings!

First of all thanks alot for spending the time in reading the very long post about a random guy's problems! That in itself deserves a thanks, and also your advice!

I think picking neither is probably the wisest, I've thought about that as well but it's very confronting admitting to yourself that after your 'best years' you didn't find your guy yet. At the same time I think that sometimes saying: he's not the right one is also too easy and doesn't make you work/fight for your relationship.

To respond to the questions of checking. 1/ He didnt change fysically. I've just changed a bit in my preferences. He's a 100% passive guy, I used to be active but in my last relationship; with the belgian; I really enjoy the passive part as well.
2/ he says in january he will be moving here. Though I can imagine a good job opportunity arising for him and him not being able to say no to that
3/ First of all I dont really know yet if I want to have children. I understand that there's more to the question than that though. I think the belgian is less stressed and more easygoing but at the same time, if we dont have children I wouldnt mind a more adventurous life (which the spanish is more open to).

I'm gonna think about what you said for a bit and try to talk to the spanish guy (current bf about it).
I really cant thank you guys enough for your time already.

In case you (or someone else) have more advice/ a different point of view, I'd be more than happy to hear it.

 

[Seasoned]

I think the Belgian guy is off limits as long as he is in a relationship. People coming out of a long term relationship and rush into another one are doing a disservice to themselves and their new partner.

The Spanish guy may have some potential but you have to be satisfied and excited to be with him. I mean that on all levels, not just sexual. I'd advise you to spend some time with him when you are able to talk to him about all of your concerns.

You may be afraid of being alone or having to date. Don't let that stop you from taking risks.

Unless abuse is involved I almost always advise people to attempt to improve a relationship before discarding it. It takes honesty and willingness from both people. When it works you are left with a stronger and more satisfying relationship.

My husband and I have been together almost 31 years and while we have always had a very strong heart connection and value systems pretty much in sync, our personal styles and how we accomplish things are very different. We are fortunate that we are sexually compatible, but we have also not been afraid to mix things up.

I know practicality always also plays a role so I understand your concerns about belonging to different countries, but there's nothing that prevents either of you trying to live together. A lot of life is surprise and luck so there's no way to know what he may be able to accomplish in Belgium or you in Spain.

Best wishes.

 

[checkinthingsout]

hej Robert and Checkingthings!

First of all thanks alot for spending the time in reading the very long post about a random guy's problems! That in itself deserves a thanks, and also your advice!

I think picking neither is probably the wisest, I've thought about that as well but it's very confronting admitting to yourself that after your 'best years' you didn't find your guy yet. At the same time I think that sometimes saying: he's not the right one is also too easy and doesn't make you work/fight for your relationship.

To respond to the questions of checking. 1/ He didnt change fysically. I've just changed a bit in my preferences. He's a 100% passive guy, I used to be active but in my last relationship; with the belgian; I really enjoy the passive part as well.
2/ he says in january he will be moving here. Though I can imagine a good job opportunity arising for him and him not being able to say no to that
3/ First of all I dont really know yet if I want to have children. I understand that there's more to the question than that though. I think the belgian is less stressed and more easygoing but at the same time, if we dont have children I wouldnt mind a more adventurous life (which the spanish is more open to).

I'm gonna think about what you said for a bit and try to talk to the spanish guy (current bf about it).
I really cant thank you guys enough for your time already.

In case you (or someone else) have more advice/ a different point of view, I'd be more than happy to hear it.

1. Maybe I am still a newbie to gay sex, but is it that difficult to get a passive guy to be active every once in a while? That just does not seem like a huge sexual barrier at all to me and it could be easily fixed. Is it that he cannot even get hard enough to fuck you? Have you asked him to be active ever? If he loves you that much, if you insisted he fuck you, why would he refuse?


2. Well That is promising...I would stay optimistic about it. Have you asked him if he found a better job opportunity somewhere else if he would pursue that instead of being with you?

3. So this question was meant to get at your gut feelings, but really I wanted you to answer as if you were a woman and you could biologically grow a child inside of you and give birth to it, who's child would that be and why? Regardless of if you want children or not, who would be a better father, or which one of them wants a child. It is meant to be a weird question .

 

[bruce379]

Forget the belgian, he is still taken. work on the spaniard. otherwise, keep looking.

 

[checkinthingsout]

So which guy did you choose?