transitioning from open relationship to committed

[blahman16]

I'm fairly new to the idea of open relationships. I guess the question is, how does it work? I mean, what does it take for someone to make the decision and transition from an open relationship to a committed one. How does a person figure out if he is ready to transition away from an open relationship? Maybe committed is too strong, but I'm describing the situation where you decide not to see anyone else.

I guess in the relationships I've had with girls in the past, it's been a situation where both of us date from the get-go and we don't see anyone else (until we break up). So it's hard for me to grasp the idea of open relationships.

But it seems having a relationship with a guy (I know, super giant stereotype which is not necessarily true), it seems so much more complicated.

Please share insight at any angle. I really don't understand what is an open relationship beyond still seeing others.


Isn't there some sort of middle ground? such as

open relationship -> ??? (not seeing anyone else) -> partners

 

[G-Lexington]

Well, I think you've got the wrong idea. Any and all relationships can be open, to whatever degree the participants agree. And, most of the time, the degree doesn't change (much) over the course of the relationship. If they want to be in a monogamous relationship, they tend to stay in one. If they want to have on open relationship - again, to whatever degree - it tends to stay an open relationship.

What I think you're talking about is "exclusivity". When you first look to date somebody, do you date that one person to the exclusion of others? Do you stop looking? Some would, some wouldn't. My PERSONAL feeling is that if I find myself clicking with one person, then I'll concentrate on him and not bother working on other ones. This doesn't mean I won't go out and be social with friends, but it means I won't actively work to cultivate another relationship. But that's me. I know other guys who would go to bed with one guy, and then feel if they didn't bang the guy's roommate on the way out, it's an opportunity missed.

Lex

 

[TX-Beau]

Who says open relationships aren't "committed?" Mine certainly is. You have to be extremely committed to handle an open relationship. It's far easier to pursue an exclusive one. Frankly, people usually "transition" from a monogamous relationship to an open one, not the other way around.

Personally, I get a little annoyed with the idea that sexual monogamy is somehow the shining ideal of a relationship. It isn't, honesty, trust, respect and compromise are the core of a relationship. Open or not.

 

[blahman16]

I guess I come from a very very different sort of upbringing. Thanks for the perspectives, I hope to learn more.

 

[TX-Beau]

Upbringing? I was raised a Southern Baptist.

 

[G-Lexington]

Blah, it does take a very certain kind of person to be in a healthy open relationship. They have to be caring, loving, and free from any petty jealousy that can cloud their judgment. They need to be able to have sex with others in a fun way that doesn't involve falling in love or developing feelings for them. And they need to be able to let their partner be free to enjoy sex with others, and feel good for them rather than jealous.

I personally don't fit the bill. I simply don't have a good grip on my emotions. I think I'm likely to start developing feelings for those I have sex with, and am likely to feel jealous if my partner were to hook up with others. Luckily, my partner is the same as me, and therefore we're happy being together in a monogamous relationship. That doesn't mean our relationship is in any way superior to an open one. If anything, it's inferior.

Lex

 

[LoveIsNow]

No. Relationships between men can be just as exclusive as straight relationships and it's really insulting that you think gay men can only have open relationships. All of my past relationships (up to my current more serious boyfriend) have been the situation you described you went through with girls: exclusively dating for a while until we realized it wasn't working out. There's no reason gay men can't do that.

You generally don't transition from an open relationship to a monogamous one. They're two different types of relationships. You should always be clear what kind you want when you're first dating someone to avoid problems later.

Open v. Monogamous relationships has nothing to do with being gay or straight nor with your upbringing, but with your individual personality. It's really just a case of different strokes for different folks. I know in my heart of hearts that I would never be happy in an open relationship, but I respect that there are people who would never be happy in an exclusive relationship. I won't say that one is better than the other even though there are people who will ferociously promote either side.

If you want to date someone exclusively, just ask. When you've been dating a while just say you'd like to be boyfriends and only see each other. It's not that hard.

 

[blahman16]

G-Lexington, and LoveisNow,

thanks for the advice. I apologize about the comment regarding gay guys can only have open relationships (I know it's not true, all NOT has open relationships). I really did not intend to be insulting at all.

I guess I am just biased by my first relationship with a guy.

We've gotten to know each other, and I developed feelings for him so much that I do get angry when he still hooks up with guys on the side. I asked if we could see each other exclusively, but he said he's not ready.

I guess I should be more understanding, but I just really liked him a lot and I'm quite sad that he isn't ready/willing to be exclusive and not see others (hook up).

And on top of this mess, so much crap has happened I can't trust him. my love for him is clouding my judgment and ability to be objective based on the facts. I'm just the kind of guy that clings on to something hoping it will work out, but it seems to him that if he can just let me go so easily because he doesn't want to deal with it (about how he lied to me about his age).

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>And on top of this mess, so much crap has happened I can't trust him.

The whole point of open relationships is that it eliminates the need for "lack of trust". If he's open about having sex with other guys, what is there to be mistrusting about?

Lex

 

[blahman16]

I guess I am mixing it all up. He lied about his age, and he tells me he feels guilty of hooking up because he thinks about me when doing that, yet he still goes thru with it. He actively goes on CL to find and respond to ads, and other sites to meet people.

I guess when it comes down to it, I don't understand why he says he's guilty about hooking up with other people because of me, yet he still does it.

On top of that, I guess I was narrow minded all along, because when I like someone I don't see anyone else, but if he's not ready to see my exclusively, I shouldn't jump the gun and just see him exclusively either. And on top on top of that, he got angry twice, that I didn't respond to his night emails as he got jealous that I might be sleeping around. So for him to say it's an open relationship and he is ok to hook up, but I'm not (I don't anyways) allowed to, I find it so contradicting.

It just leaves me very VERY confused.

 

[LoveIsNow]

If he sleeps around but doesn't want you doing the same it sounds like he has control issues. You can probably find someone better.

 

[TX-Beau]

Walk the fuck away. One sided promiscuity and hypocritical hissy fits do not a good relationship prospect make.

He's pretty much displayed what he's gonna be like, and that borders on emotional abuse. Abusers display that pattern, excessive control issues and rules that don't apply to them, you want to be with this guy, I going to play oracle - you're going to have to justify every moment of your day to him, and all of your friends, at some point, and then you won't have any friends, and you won't be allowed to question him at all; and yes it's possible for people to change, but that happens over years, not days, so you have to decide whether to put up with this or not. You know what to expect, your choice, your life.

BTW this really has nothing at all to do with open relationships, he wants to fuck around and keep you locked up, that's just straight up cheating. He can call it an open relationship if he wants, but that's not what an open relationship is. What he's doing is massive red flag behavior. Y'all aren't really in a commitment yet, and frankly, if it was me, I'd be out the door.

 

[Deandbn]

Who says open relationships aren't "committed?" Mine certainly is. You have to be extremely committed to handle an open relationship. It's far easier to pursue an exclusive one. Frankly, people usually "transition" from a monogamous relationship to an open one, not the other way around.

Personally, I get a little annoyed with the idea that sexual monogamy is somehow the shining ideal of a relationship. It isn't, honesty, trust, respect and compromise are the core of a relationship. Open or not.

Hear Hear I agree TX-Beau. It took us about 15 years of monogamy (we have been together 24 years now) to be committed enough to become open. And yes honesty, trust, respect and compromise is the core of a relationship.

I would add one or two proviso's:-
1. Your committed partner ALWAYS COMES FIRST even if you have to stand the NSA up. (no strings attached)
2. You need to have a good idea of where home is, and when it is the correct time to head for home.
3. Never get into heavy questioning when your partner arrives home, rather just ask him if he is ok and if he had fun. To which he can answer yes, and you can say - thats lovely, i'm glad you had a good time. (you knowing of course that you could ask deep searching questions in need and would be given totally honest detailed answers, but that a display of such power is not normally required ever!)

 

[scooter63]

Let me give you some advice that I have just learned, finally, the hard way. It won't end or stop and you won't be able to change him. That is who he is, that is the way he wants to live his life, and as long as you are there to support him in any way that he needs it, he is happy.

I too come from the view point of yours where if one is dating someone and you have ask to take that relationship to a different level of committment, I mean in the stages of committment from dating down the road to being a couple and so on, then that relationship should be exclusive. If that isn't what it is about then why bother to be in a relationship. Just stay and play all the time.

I have spent the last 6 months in just such a world as you describe and it took me this long to finally to be able to pick up the curtains of love and see just what the hell is going on. It hurts deep inside for sure and I can appreciate what you must be going through when you say that you love him and yet you get nothing in return. You won't. Not now and not anytime in the futre. He has his cake and he gets to eat it as well.

As so many of the other posters on here are so auft to say, "Go find yourself another man who is more intuned with your thoughts and ideas and mores." We don't like to hear that, myself included, but you know what? It is true. There are others out there, always have been and always will be, that will be the fit for what we want in life and out of life. Go out and find him and make yourself a lot happier than what you are right now. Do what I did and leave him behind to enjoy his life and ways and you get going with your life.