Tricky situation

[hanshansen]

Since I last posted a thread here (must be a few months) I've been testing the waters of online dating sites. I got a brief fling out of that and made a potentially good friend (with someone else).

With one person who I messaged, there were a couple of message exchanges but it kind of fizzled, we never met in person. Until yesterday. Turns out he's the brother of someone in my circle of friends whose party we'd both been invited to. I figured this out when I saw him on the facebook invite list. I was afraid that it would be awkward but made myself go anyway. It wasn't awkward, we talked for quite a bit. When I got home, I invited him to be my facebook friend, he accepted. So here's the situation:

a) A is a smart and interesting person, he's neither flaky nor feminine, he seemed to like talking to me. I'd like to keep the connection going.

BUT:

b) I am currently not relationship material, I confirmed that for myself in my online dating activities. I'm not sufficiently far along the coming out path, I'm too sexually inexperienced, I'm still discovering myself in all sorts of ways. What I can do with is more friends and fairly casual sexual activity. My dating site profile doesn't make that totally explicit, but I think it's reasonably clear.

c) A is B's brother. B is also gay, possibly knows about the fact that A and I got to know each other through a dating site. B is not a close friend. But isn't there this massive taboo against dating siblings of friends (think Ross-Monica-Chandler)?

d) I don't know how much of a physical attraction there is. I'd need to get to know A better to find out.

I really don't know how to handle this situation. I'd like to say something like: 'It was good to meet you in person last night. It would be good to catch up some time in the new year. Just so you know, I am not suggesting a date ... that could be complicated, given our mutual relation to B and the fact that I'm generally not in relationship space '

Is the stuff in bold unnecessary/undesirable? Is the entire message nessessary/desirable? Or is the facebook friendship enough at this stage? I feel something extra is needed given that I got to know this person via a dating site and made the initial move there ...

PS Please do not crucify me for overthinking ... this is not how I treat ordinary friendships with straight guys who I get to know in standard ways.

 

[dannomite03]

My opinion is that you don't need to be sexually experienced to be dating someone. You have to start somewhere. I would just hang out with this person and see where things go. Don't worry about what it turns into. I know for myself I get freaked out if I look at it as a date or a possible relationship. I guess it's the label that scares me more than anything. Just hang out and see how it goes. If you two hit it off quickly, then pursue it. It only seems bad to date a friend's sibling if the relationship doesn't go well. lol.

 

[kramer362]

Tell A what you told us? He should have no reason to be offended if you clearly state you just aren't looking for a relationship because not being out all the way would put a strain on it, or whatever it is you think.

But if you like him just tell him you aren't experienced but would like to give it a try?

 

[hanshansen]

Here's what I said:

'It was good to meet you last night, albeit in an unexpected way. It would be good to catch up some time in the new year - at the latest at my Xth bday party on Y. Just to avoid any ambiguity, I am not suggesting a date ... that could be complicated, given our degree of separation via A and the fact that I'm not really in relationship space . Would be good nonetheless.'

I think that's OK.

The awful thing about dates is the expectations that go with them. Platonic friendships and casual sexual relationships don't carry that baggage of expectations.

 

[hanshansen]

In terms of the profile label, it's 'keeping options open'. The fact is, 'friends' and 'hookups' are both fine by me. 'Boyfriends' is not at this stage, but you never know until you get to know someone.

I think in the profile itself, I say something like, 'I'm looking for good times with interesting people that last for more than a day or a night ... that can mean all kinds of things with all kinds of people.' I used to say something like 'I don't have a space for a relationship but would make room for one if I saw the potential' - but I've since realised that the bar for that to happen is sufficiently high that I don't want to attract people looking for a relationship.

 

[hanshansen]

Well then there you go. If I read that it seems to me you are open to relationships and long term intimate relationships. It means you are looking for that special someone to me.

Just some feedback on how I would read that on a dating site is all. Something to think about. Maybe others feel differently.

Ah, you see, to me it meant: 'I'm looking for fun times (platonic or sexual, I don't care) with someone who I have a sufficient connection with that it's not just a coffee conversation or a one night stand. But that doesn't mean I'm looking for the perfect person. If we discover that it doesn't work physically but we bond over hobby X, or if we hook up for a couple of weeks and then settle into a friendship type relationship, that's fine by me.'

The fact is, I do want something longer-term from people in the sense that I don't want them to disappear out of my life, but that does not mean I want a LTR with them. Does that make sense?

I'd really like to know what other people here think about this.

FWIW, I have been in a situation before where I would have been ready to make the sacrifices to build a proper relationship, but for various reasons that didn't work out. So in that sense I'm open to that too. I'm just not looking for it ex ante.

 

[Lube]

Why don't you just saying "looking for friendships and ongoing fuck buddies" in your profile? It's a lot clearer. And that sounds like what you want.

And when you hookup with the guy, be clear: "I'm not looking for a relationship at this point, just fun".

 

[hanshansen]

Why don't you just saying "looking for friendships and ongoing fuck buddies" in your profile? It's a lot clearer. And that sounds like what you want.

There must be some less blatant way of saying that .

How about:

'What I'm looking for at this stage is probably on the casual end of the spectrum. That said, if it looks like there's a lasting connection (of whatever kind) I'll pursue it ... essentially I'm out for good times with interesting people who find me interesting.

(You can see I really like the good times/interesting bit.)

 

[hanshansen]

Agreed.

I've found that you have to be very simple, explicitly clear, and spell it out, because when emotions get involved, it's easy to read into things what you want.

Otherwise, it's a recipe for disaster. I'm sure the OP meant well, but it can come across as being a flirt trying to frustrate guys for fun. Logic goes out the window, and emotions rule all of us.

OK. One thing is that I'm not totally sure what I want (with the best of intentions), though more sure than I was.

So maybe I should be up front about that as well.

'Not really sure what I'm looking for at this stage. It's probably on the casual end etc. etc., ultimately, I'm out for etc. etc.'

 

[hanshansen]

Much better! Just be very upfront and honest to the very best of your ability. You aren't 100% sure of what you want, but something beyond just a hookup up, but not a boyfriend seems accurate, no?

Yes.

Will update the profile. I've always tried to be upfront early on - hence the facebook msg which prompted this thread. At least the outcome of that (in terms of reply) was good.

Thanks for the feedback.

 

[KaraBulut]

A great way to send up red flags is to try to dictate the terms of a relationship before the relationship exists.

If you enjoyed meeting this person and and you'd like to meet him for coffee, then say:

"It was good to meet you in person. I enjoyed our conversation and I would like to have coffee sometime in the new year."

If you do have the chance to meet for coffee and there's good chemistry, the two of you can mutually decide where you want the relationship to go.

Don't answer before the question is asked.

 

[hanshansen]

A great way to send up red flags is to try to dictate the terms of a relationship before the relationship exists.

If you enjoyed meeting this person and and you'd like to meet him for coffee, then say:

"It was good to meet you in person. I enjoyed our conversation and I would like to have coffee sometime in the new year."

If you do have the chance to meet for coffee and there's good chemistry, the two of you can mutually decide where you want the relationship to go.

Don't answer before the question is asked.

That's OK if you're genuinely open to all the possibilities ... if I hadn't brought up my concerns they would still have been there under the surface and shown up as uptightness, which is even worse.

The question was asked in the sense that his profile does mention dating and relationships. People who want something serious have the right to see the red flags in my case, it's only fair. I'd have my work cut out, and so would they.

 

[hanshansen]

OK, I had dinner with this guy tonight (a non-date, or a catch-up, or whatever, given the terms that I set earlier ). Great conversation, there was a lot of common ground, I think we both had a great time (the text exchange afterwards seems to confirm this). He is interesting and easy to be around, I feel kind of lucky to have met him.

To be honest, I can see potential. Like I say, I really like this person, and the fact that he's my friend's brother actually may be a plus, since it means I have much less work to do to integrate him into my life. That means at some point I am going to explicitly have to renegotiate the terms, and I'm trying to think through how and when to do that.

I don't know when to do this. I've already invited him to my birthday party in a month's time, and before than I'll probably suggest another catch up. Maybe it will seem like the right time then. Or the following catchup. I think we both realised that tonight was kind of a date in all but name.

I got massively burned a couple of months ago. I met another guy who was great to be around, who liked me, who put me at ease, who I could picture in my life. I wanted more, I took it slow and just did a lot of trust and relationship building, after a couple of months I told him I liked him in that way, he did some thinking and told me he felt awful but he wasn't physically attracted to me. I got over it, he's stayed a great friend, but that's one of the most painful experiences I've ever had to go through.

So presumably it is not good to wait a couple of months.