So I know I've come here before asking for help about falling for a (gay) friend and that this is a well-traveled topic, but I feel like my situation is different enough to merit further discussion. Here goes nothing....
My best friend is honestly the only person I know who I feel truly gets me on a deeper level. We met at university, where we were thrust together as roommates for a semester before I went abroad (which was the source of my previous post in this forum...funny that). At any rate, our friendship started off pretty bumpy, honestly. He's straight and VERY (like...insanely) good-looking. So I understandably thought he was hot and tried not to get in his way. We've never seen each other naked, but our friendship soon progressed to a pretty intimate level. I didn't really fit in at all with the other gay guys on campus for one reason or another (one actually spread a rumor about me "stalking" him after I sent him a Facebook message wishing him luck on his Chinese exam the day I met him through friends in the library - I was just trying to be nice). Needless to say, I felt isolated. I stuck to myself, whether in the library or in the dining hall. And this really bothered my roommate. He confronted me a couple times when I had gone to the dining hall alone because I often find the hassle of making plans with people more frustrating than eating alone. That changed my mind about him, and we started hanging more. We sang along to musicals while in the room together (yes, I am aware that's pretty gay), and things were generally pretty great. He also confronted the gays on campus who were basically bullying me when one of them disinvited me to a party my roommate wanted to take me to - it was a cast party for one of the theater groups on campus who put on a play he was in (horrible grammar...bear with me). It really felt great to have someone care that much about me. Anyway, that was 2007-08.
Looking back, it's hard to pinpoint exactly when we became "close" in the way I feel we're close today, but the feeling is apparently mutual. He likens our relationship to a familial one, and we frequently say we love each other. Things haven't been so easy because we've lived in different states since he graduated (he's now in the military, and I am in law school), but he visited me my first year while he was doing training at a base a few hours away. In retrospect, I feel like an awful friend for not driving the several hour drive at least twice a month. He's worth it; he's one of the VERY few people who can instantly cheer me up just by saying hi. I feel like our friendship is unusual in that we don't talk every day, but we talk enough - it's understood that we're very close. He was so excited about seeing me again that he told pretty much everyone he knew (including his gf, who, immediately after they started dating, apparently knew who I was and wanted to meet me).
This "problem" is about the recent trip when we both drove to New Orleans to see each other (it had been about a year and a half since we'd seen each other last). NOLA is much closer to him (3.5 hours) than it is to me (8.5 hours), but I'd never been, and I figured it would be worth it. To make a very long and complicated story short, we got wasted, as one usually does in New Orleans. At one point, I got really upset at something very, very stupid (having to wait 20 minutes to pay for shots and a round of drinks - and a drink for the pushy waitress - and then coming back to find that my shots and drinks had been drunk already). I left the my friend, the friends he brought with him from Florida, and the bar in a huff, really disappointed and frustrated with the way things turned out. I ended up texting really depressing/self-destructive things to my friend and a random assortment of friends. (Yes, this is an issue, but it's not really what I need help with.) My best girl friend from college (who knows my best friend/roommate) made me go back and find him and talk to him.
Miraculously, he was still at the bar I left them at even though it had been almost two hours. I had sobered up a little bit, and we had a discussion, during which I cried cuz he kept saying that his goal was to make sure I'd be okay and on the right track if something ever happened to him - I think this is because he knows how depressed and anxious I get, and he actually, genuinely cares. I was crying because I couldn't handle him dying and didn't like the analogy - he's already been to Iraq once. After the discussion, we went to find the gay friend he brought to meet me (tacky, I know, but he knows I don't meet gay guys, and the guy was admittedly very hot and quite my type) to continue drinking. We ended up at a gay bar, and about an hour in, my best friend's friend leaves, and it was just us. Things quickly escalated to a level that our relationship never had reached in the past 4 years (or in the 5 years I've known him). He kept mentioning that he had given his underwear to a bride-to-be, and at one point he was grinding up on me. He became quite aroused, at which point there was really no mistaking what was going on. I grinded back, although I was not erect, stuck my hand in his pants a couple times, and we kissed. Outside the club, we held hands and talked to a few people who remarked how cute a couple we were. He never corrected them--he just grinned.
At this point, he clearly showed inner conflict. Earlier that day, he had told me that his brother had recently come out to his family (his brother is a year younger than us). His family's reaction was to say "We always thought you were the gay one!" to my best friend. He has a lot of gay friends and has a lot of stereotypically gay interests, but he really had none of the usual reasons to be closeted: he's from the Northeast, he had a loving mother (no real father figure), he's reform Jewish, and he went to two top-tier, liberal universities (he transferred to mine my sophomore/his junior year). After this happened between us, he remarked to me something to the effect of, "I love you and this, but I also love girls a lot and my gf." And I didn't really try to persuade him one way or the other. I just steered him towards pizza. We continued to hold hands, even at the pizza place, we shared a drink, he FED ME PIZZA, and continued to be openly affectionate in other ways in which we hadn't been before. We went back to the hotel, but we couldn't talk about what had happened because his friends were awake, so we went to bed.
I was okay with this progression of events mainly because it seemed to make sense. My best friend is one of the only people I connect with on an intellectual level, we talk about anything and everything and are interested in the same things. We also do genuinely love each other. This just seemed like a logical progression in our relationship if he actually were gay or bi.
The next morning, we didn't get to talk either because we were constantly with his friends. He seemed a bit distant, freaked out a bit that he called his gf the night before, but he clearly remembered the events of the previous evening - when he was telling what we did after his friend left the club, he had a good understanding of the timeline and clearly glossed over the events I'm concerned with. I found this a bit frustrating, but it made a lot of sense. A lot of my friend's silly/goofy behavior (giving the bride-to-be his underwear, etc.) can be seen as macho, "proving his straightness" behavior. I didn't really think anything of it, though I was worried. When I left, we hugged for a few seconds, and I asked him, "We're good right?" He said, "Yes," and I left.
Later that week, I was drunk after happy hour (oh the life of the graduate student), and I texted/called him. His take on what had happened was that he loves his gf, we were just "two best friends having fun," that he missed his gf, "loves attention," and was generally having a "selfish indulgent time." All of this was really out of character for him and really upset me. Throughout all of this, I never saw myself as the instigator of what happened. I wasn't even hard (he groped me at one point, and that didn't get me hard either). I think I was more shocked than anything. I do love him, and now that this has happened, I can't think of anyone else I want to be with or a situation that could be more right. Yet his reaction was to essentially pin the blame on me and walk away.
I'm not willing to accept this justification for a number of reasons. First, it makes no sense - our relationship had never progressed to physicality before, and there was no added reason this time. We've been wasted together plenty of times, and nothing funny ever happened. Also, he was ROCK hard. Second, his justification calls into question the foundations of our friendship. If he craved attention and was being selfish and indulgent, he didn't think enough of me to not go there with me? I was nothing more than a sex toy? He knows I've never had a bf, he knows how hard it is for me to meet guys (and people in general), and he knows how my personality can be a bit excessive for some people and it's one of the reasons he loves me: that I care with all my heart and that I'm sensitive to other people's feelings. And third, if he was really questioning his sexuality, why would he do this while drunk and then run away sober? I understand that he could be scared, but his brother is gay, I'm gay, and his close friend from Florida is gay.
I just really don't know what to do with this situation. I've asked several people, and the advice has been all over the place. It's been a month since the "incident," and we really haven't talked at all since our argument after it. Our interactions are now brief and emotionless. Then, out of nowhere on Monday, while im'ing (at my instigation) and discussing his Thanksgiving break, he tells me he broke up with his gf and that it was amicable. No explanation. I'm not one to jump to conclusions on my own behalf, and I know that their relationship was long-distance, but they'd been dating for almost two years, and then he dumps her right after this happens? The timeline seems sketchy to me. I'm not assuming he dumped her for me (I have far too low an opinion of myself to see that as likely), but I do think he dumped her because he might be questioning his sexuality.
Basically, my problem is: how do I get my best friend back? I was happy before with a brother I would never otherwise have (I'm an only child). I didn't want sex to come between us at all, and I am still really unsure whether I think of him that way. Romantically, I can see us together, but sexually, I'm still really uncertain. And I feel like that's telling. I love him with all my heart, and I do feel like he's my soulmate. Yet...... His (over)reaction blaming me is really unacceptable, as is basically ignoring my attempts to reach out. I haven't been texting every day, but if it's been 4 days since a reply, I check in. I haven't broached this topic since our argument, and I'm not going to unless he brings it up. Am I right to just let him come to terms with this on his own? I have to say I'm concerned that he either won't deal with it, that he won't get over it and will continue to blame me, and that his gay friend there will pounce on him and steal him from me. Yes, the last one is jealous, but I still feel it.
The trip was supposed to rejuvenate me, as I'd been feeling really blue and lacked confidence in myself because I haven't been too successful in law school. And my friend is always really supportive and has such faith in me it can be inspiring. Instead, I went off the deep end after this. My thoughts have verged on suicidal an uncomfortable amount (no worries - I'm (a) in therapy and (b) not capable of self-harm in reality because I'm super squeamish), and I've been really reckless in sex (more promiscuous than usual and often not safe) and my finances.
Any suggestions?
Thanks, and sorry for my longwindedness.
My best friend is honestly the only person I know who I feel truly gets me on a deeper level. We met at university, where we were thrust together as roommates for a semester before I went abroad (which was the source of my previous post in this forum...funny that). At any rate, our friendship started off pretty bumpy, honestly. He's straight and VERY (like...insanely) good-looking. So I understandably thought he was hot and tried not to get in his way. We've never seen each other naked, but our friendship soon progressed to a pretty intimate level. I didn't really fit in at all with the other gay guys on campus for one reason or another (one actually spread a rumor about me "stalking" him after I sent him a Facebook message wishing him luck on his Chinese exam the day I met him through friends in the library - I was just trying to be nice). Needless to say, I felt isolated. I stuck to myself, whether in the library or in the dining hall. And this really bothered my roommate. He confronted me a couple times when I had gone to the dining hall alone because I often find the hassle of making plans with people more frustrating than eating alone. That changed my mind about him, and we started hanging more. We sang along to musicals while in the room together (yes, I am aware that's pretty gay), and things were generally pretty great. He also confronted the gays on campus who were basically bullying me when one of them disinvited me to a party my roommate wanted to take me to - it was a cast party for one of the theater groups on campus who put on a play he was in (horrible grammar...bear with me). It really felt great to have someone care that much about me. Anyway, that was 2007-08.
Looking back, it's hard to pinpoint exactly when we became "close" in the way I feel we're close today, but the feeling is apparently mutual. He likens our relationship to a familial one, and we frequently say we love each other. Things haven't been so easy because we've lived in different states since he graduated (he's now in the military, and I am in law school), but he visited me my first year while he was doing training at a base a few hours away. In retrospect, I feel like an awful friend for not driving the several hour drive at least twice a month. He's worth it; he's one of the VERY few people who can instantly cheer me up just by saying hi. I feel like our friendship is unusual in that we don't talk every day, but we talk enough - it's understood that we're very close. He was so excited about seeing me again that he told pretty much everyone he knew (including his gf, who, immediately after they started dating, apparently knew who I was and wanted to meet me).
This "problem" is about the recent trip when we both drove to New Orleans to see each other (it had been about a year and a half since we'd seen each other last). NOLA is much closer to him (3.5 hours) than it is to me (8.5 hours), but I'd never been, and I figured it would be worth it. To make a very long and complicated story short, we got wasted, as one usually does in New Orleans. At one point, I got really upset at something very, very stupid (having to wait 20 minutes to pay for shots and a round of drinks - and a drink for the pushy waitress - and then coming back to find that my shots and drinks had been drunk already). I left the my friend, the friends he brought with him from Florida, and the bar in a huff, really disappointed and frustrated with the way things turned out. I ended up texting really depressing/self-destructive things to my friend and a random assortment of friends. (Yes, this is an issue, but it's not really what I need help with.) My best girl friend from college (who knows my best friend/roommate) made me go back and find him and talk to him.
Miraculously, he was still at the bar I left them at even though it had been almost two hours. I had sobered up a little bit, and we had a discussion, during which I cried cuz he kept saying that his goal was to make sure I'd be okay and on the right track if something ever happened to him - I think this is because he knows how depressed and anxious I get, and he actually, genuinely cares. I was crying because I couldn't handle him dying and didn't like the analogy - he's already been to Iraq once. After the discussion, we went to find the gay friend he brought to meet me (tacky, I know, but he knows I don't meet gay guys, and the guy was admittedly very hot and quite my type) to continue drinking. We ended up at a gay bar, and about an hour in, my best friend's friend leaves, and it was just us. Things quickly escalated to a level that our relationship never had reached in the past 4 years (or in the 5 years I've known him). He kept mentioning that he had given his underwear to a bride-to-be, and at one point he was grinding up on me. He became quite aroused, at which point there was really no mistaking what was going on. I grinded back, although I was not erect, stuck my hand in his pants a couple times, and we kissed. Outside the club, we held hands and talked to a few people who remarked how cute a couple we were. He never corrected them--he just grinned.
At this point, he clearly showed inner conflict. Earlier that day, he had told me that his brother had recently come out to his family (his brother is a year younger than us). His family's reaction was to say "We always thought you were the gay one!" to my best friend. He has a lot of gay friends and has a lot of stereotypically gay interests, but he really had none of the usual reasons to be closeted: he's from the Northeast, he had a loving mother (no real father figure), he's reform Jewish, and he went to two top-tier, liberal universities (he transferred to mine my sophomore/his junior year). After this happened between us, he remarked to me something to the effect of, "I love you and this, but I also love girls a lot and my gf." And I didn't really try to persuade him one way or the other. I just steered him towards pizza. We continued to hold hands, even at the pizza place, we shared a drink, he FED ME PIZZA, and continued to be openly affectionate in other ways in which we hadn't been before. We went back to the hotel, but we couldn't talk about what had happened because his friends were awake, so we went to bed.
I was okay with this progression of events mainly because it seemed to make sense. My best friend is one of the only people I connect with on an intellectual level, we talk about anything and everything and are interested in the same things. We also do genuinely love each other. This just seemed like a logical progression in our relationship if he actually were gay or bi.
The next morning, we didn't get to talk either because we were constantly with his friends. He seemed a bit distant, freaked out a bit that he called his gf the night before, but he clearly remembered the events of the previous evening - when he was telling what we did after his friend left the club, he had a good understanding of the timeline and clearly glossed over the events I'm concerned with. I found this a bit frustrating, but it made a lot of sense. A lot of my friend's silly/goofy behavior (giving the bride-to-be his underwear, etc.) can be seen as macho, "proving his straightness" behavior. I didn't really think anything of it, though I was worried. When I left, we hugged for a few seconds, and I asked him, "We're good right?" He said, "Yes," and I left.
Later that week, I was drunk after happy hour (oh the life of the graduate student), and I texted/called him. His take on what had happened was that he loves his gf, we were just "two best friends having fun," that he missed his gf, "loves attention," and was generally having a "selfish indulgent time." All of this was really out of character for him and really upset me. Throughout all of this, I never saw myself as the instigator of what happened. I wasn't even hard (he groped me at one point, and that didn't get me hard either). I think I was more shocked than anything. I do love him, and now that this has happened, I can't think of anyone else I want to be with or a situation that could be more right. Yet his reaction was to essentially pin the blame on me and walk away.
I'm not willing to accept this justification for a number of reasons. First, it makes no sense - our relationship had never progressed to physicality before, and there was no added reason this time. We've been wasted together plenty of times, and nothing funny ever happened. Also, he was ROCK hard. Second, his justification calls into question the foundations of our friendship. If he craved attention and was being selfish and indulgent, he didn't think enough of me to not go there with me? I was nothing more than a sex toy? He knows I've never had a bf, he knows how hard it is for me to meet guys (and people in general), and he knows how my personality can be a bit excessive for some people and it's one of the reasons he loves me: that I care with all my heart and that I'm sensitive to other people's feelings. And third, if he was really questioning his sexuality, why would he do this while drunk and then run away sober? I understand that he could be scared, but his brother is gay, I'm gay, and his close friend from Florida is gay.
I just really don't know what to do with this situation. I've asked several people, and the advice has been all over the place. It's been a month since the "incident," and we really haven't talked at all since our argument after it. Our interactions are now brief and emotionless. Then, out of nowhere on Monday, while im'ing (at my instigation) and discussing his Thanksgiving break, he tells me he broke up with his gf and that it was amicable. No explanation. I'm not one to jump to conclusions on my own behalf, and I know that their relationship was long-distance, but they'd been dating for almost two years, and then he dumps her right after this happens? The timeline seems sketchy to me. I'm not assuming he dumped her for me (I have far too low an opinion of myself to see that as likely), but I do think he dumped her because he might be questioning his sexuality.
Basically, my problem is: how do I get my best friend back? I was happy before with a brother I would never otherwise have (I'm an only child). I didn't want sex to come between us at all, and I am still really unsure whether I think of him that way. Romantically, I can see us together, but sexually, I'm still really uncertain. And I feel like that's telling. I love him with all my heart, and I do feel like he's my soulmate. Yet...... His (over)reaction blaming me is really unacceptable, as is basically ignoring my attempts to reach out. I haven't been texting every day, but if it's been 4 days since a reply, I check in. I haven't broached this topic since our argument, and I'm not going to unless he brings it up. Am I right to just let him come to terms with this on his own? I have to say I'm concerned that he either won't deal with it, that he won't get over it and will continue to blame me, and that his gay friend there will pounce on him and steal him from me. Yes, the last one is jealous, but I still feel it.
The trip was supposed to rejuvenate me, as I'd been feeling really blue and lacked confidence in myself because I haven't been too successful in law school. And my friend is always really supportive and has such faith in me it can be inspiring. Instead, I went off the deep end after this. My thoughts have verged on suicidal an uncomfortable amount (no worries - I'm (a) in therapy and (b) not capable of self-harm in reality because I'm super squeamish), and I've been really reckless in sex (more promiscuous than usual and often not safe) and my finances.
Any suggestions?
Thanks, and sorry for my longwindedness.
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