Trouble in Hoosier gay world

[IceColdLover]

OK, since you've said it, I was in a roundabout way asking if you were Aspie. Your description of the interaction is similar to interactions that I've had with people that have Asperger's.

The gay world has a certain set of rules. The rules are not formal or written down but things like approaching someone under the assumption that they are gay, approaching them at work, seeming overly friendly or coming on in a way that seems too aggressive are all things that start a cycle of passive-aggressive behavior.

Aspergers is a challenge. It's not really that someone outgrows Aspergers or any ASD but, if you were diagnosed, you know it is possible to learn the social "rules of engagement" that come naturally to most people. The truth is that even non-Aspie gay people have trouble figuring out the rules- it's a ritual of the coming-out process that most gay people go through.

As I mentioned earlier, there were missteps on both sides of this interaction. Plainly put, you came on too strong and when this guy gave you "back off" signals, you missed the signals... and honestly, instead of backing off, you came on even stronger and you got nasty with the name-calling and blaming the other person.

But the other guy was an asshole. He could have handled the whole situation better instead of treating you like a stalker.




Indeed, it is a no flame zone.



Go back and reread the thread. You missed a whole section about Aspergers that explains what was going on. It's like being colorblind and being told that you're supposed to only eat the red apples- how the hell is someone expected to eat only the red apples if they can't see the color red?

It's not a matter of "taking it personally"... it's a matter of totally not picking up on non-verbal cues and an anger/frustration/lashing out reaction that is very typical.

From my own interactions with friends who have Aspergers or mild autism, I've learned to just explain what happened in a social interaction and how it went wrong. But you're correct, it's not helpful to call someone a "fag" just because things didn't go the way you hoped they would. But there are also better ways to point that out too, without indulging in the same name-calling that you don't like?

I didn't know there were "rules" to be sociable. I just thought people socialized because they are human and humans are supposed to be sociable and try to meet/make new friends.

 

[checkinthingsout]

Well, if that was/is the case, then Subway boy should have told me point blank and not have dragged his fiance, and oddly again, his father, into it, and made the excuse that they didn't want me to be his, as he quoted it, "friend". I find it funny that his fiance tells him what to do and who he can or can't be friends with. That right there shows me a lack of trust in their relationship, a recipe for disaster. Subway boy is 17 and his fiance is 25, just so it's clear. I didn't know that until I looked on his Facebook, but age doesn't matter to me really in terms of friendship (just not little kids though). I still think, in my opinion, that he is naive and his fiance is controlling. It's always some dom guy telling his bf/fiance who to be or not to be friends with. I think I reacted to the rejection as I normally do. When I am upset, I keep it rational, clean, calm and sharp, but I guess he pushed my buttons by saying "fuck you" and then the gloves came off. Honestly, I was drained emotionally and upset after that argument. It's not like I like being upset at people, they just tend to act blind, dead and dumb when it comes to me.

He doesn't owe you an explanation because you guys were not, are not, and will probably never be friends. That is the point I was trying to make. I just said that so that maybe you could understand that there could be a multitude of possible scenarios that made him/them not want to pursue a friendship with you.

Calm and rational would've been to cease and desist after his fiance said he/they didn't want anymore friends, and that there was no hard feelings. The appropriate rational response to that is to say ok, and find someone else to befriend.

 

[IceColdLover]

He doesn't owe you an explanation because you guys were not, are not, and will probably never be friends. That is the point I was trying to make. I just said that so that maybe you could understand that there could be a multitude of possible scenarios that made him/them not want to pursue a friendship with you.

Calm and rational would've been to cease and desist after his fiance said he/they didn't want anymore friends, and that there was no hard feelings. The appropriate rational response to that is to say ok, and find someone else to befriend.

So I should just keep assuming the reason why I was cut off as I always do? I don't think people know how hard this is on/for me. One thing, not many gays up my way to befriend, but the hardest part is coming out of my shell and trying to socialize. I don't think anyone knows how hard that is for me and on me, having been denied friendship and socialization in the past growing up and then coming out to all this grief, drama and shadiness from others, when all I want to be is accepted and have real friends. How am I supposed to believe that there wasn't any hard feelings? People have pulled that shit on me in the past to the point where I just don't believe it and sorry doesn't cut it.

 

[LuckysRevenge]

So I should just keep assuming the reason why I was cut off as I always do? I don't think people know how hard this is on/for me. One thing, not many gays up my way to befriend, but the hardest part is coming out of my shell and trying to socialize. I don't think anyone knows how hard that is for me and on me, having been denied friendship and socialization in the past growing up and then coming out to all this grief, drama and shadiness from others, when all I want to be is accepted and have real friends. How am I supposed to believe that there wasn't any hard feelings? People have pulled that shit on me in the past to the point where I just don't believe it and sorry doesn't cut it.

When someone tells you to stop.. that they don't want to be friends, you just take it as that.
You had no prior history with this guy. You had no reason to harass him like this.

You may have it hard but that does not give you the liberty to pursue someone you have no relationship with.

 

[IceColdLover]

When someone tells you to stop.. that they don't want to be friends, you just take it as that.
You had no prior history with this guy. You had no reason to harass him like this.

You may have it hard but that does not give you the liberty to pursue someone you have no relationship with.

I guess so. So what do I do when I go in to order a sub and he happens to be behind the counter working that day?

 

[LuckysRevenge]

I guess so. So what do I do when I go in to order a sub and he happens to be behind the counter working that day?

Just be cordial. Get your sub, no need to talk to him, and go along your way.
Just imagine how awkward it must be for him?

My advice is that there are some people who will want to be your friend and will want to get to know you. Others? Well for whatever reason some people just don't want to be your friend. I consider myself a nice guy but some people either don't want friends or just don't like me for silly reasons such as I smile and laugh too much.

Just have to shrug your shoulders and move on.

 

[KaraBulut]

I didn't know there were "rules" to be sociable. I just thought people socialized because they are human and humans are supposed to be sociable and try to meet/make new friends.

There's a lot more too it, unfortunately.

 

[IceColdLover]

Just be cordial. Get your sub, no need to talk to him, and go along your way.
Just imagine how awkward it must be for him?

My advice is that there are some people who will want to be your friend and will want to get to know you. Others? Well for whatever reason some people just don't want to be your friend. I consider myself a nice guy but some people either don't want friends or just don't like me for silly reasons such as I smile and laugh too much.

Just have to shrug your shoulders and move on.

I just wish I knew what those reasons where. I don't know why I care so much, but I guess I just care too much about what others think. It's awkward indeed, most from the way he's been acting. It's one thing that he's ignoring me and not looking me in the eye like a human being while I'm there, and it's another that he's being nice to my mom and kissing up to her by making the "perfect" subs or salads. That just irks me to no end.

 

[LuckysRevenge]

I just wish I knew what those reasons where. I don't know why I care so much, but I guess I just care too much about what others think. It's awkward indeed, most from the way he's been acting. It's one thing that he's ignoring me and not looking me in the eye like a human being while I'm there, and it's another that he's being nice to my mom and kissing up to her by making the "perfect" subs or salads. That just irks me to no end.

It's his job.

And it shouldn't bother you. You need to just take this as a lesson. You don't know this guy. He owes you nothing. He is hardly different than a stranger off the street and has a right to his space and privacy.

It can be tough but the sooner you move on, the better you will be.

 

[IceColdLover]

It's his job.

And it shouldn't bother you. You need to just take this as a lesson. You don't know this guy. He owes you nothing. He is hardly different than a stranger off the street and has a right to his space and privacy.

It can be tough but the sooner you move on, the better you will be.

Him working there doesn't bother me, it's trying to win points with my mom that bothers me. Fine, he and I aren't friends and might never be, but sucking up to my mom and being nice to her while he was shitty towards me is quite bitchy.

 

[LuckysRevenge]

Him working there doesn't bother me, it's trying to win points with my mom that bothers me. Fine, he and I aren't friends and might never be, but sucking up to my mom and being nice to her while he was shitty towards me is quite bitchy.

It's not bitchy. It's his job to be nice to customers. You crossed the line with him. He has reason to treat you that way.

Your mother has done nothing. Is there no other subway in the area?

 

[IceColdLover]

It's not bitchy. It's his job to be nice to customers. You crossed the line with him. He has reason to treat you that way.

Your mother has done nothing. Is there no other subway in the area?

Seriously? So somehow I deserve to be mistreated forever because I happened to take an interest in someone's life and try to be their friend? No wonder I don't have many friends, people with that kind of thinking is just sick in the head. I didn't say it was bitchy for him to be nice to customers, I said it was bitchy for him to mistreat me when I come in but kiss up to my mom. He knows she is my mother and he still tries to get at me by being kind to her.

 

[LuckysRevenge]

Seriously? So somehow I deserve to be mistreated forever because I happened to take an interest in someone's life and try to be their friend? No wonder I don't have many friends, people with that kind of thinking is just sick in the head. I didn't say it was bitchy for him to be nice to customers, I said it was bitchy for him to mistreat me when I come in but kiss up to my mom. He knows she is my mother and he still tries to get at me by being kind to her.

You think you only tried to be someone's friend? You think you did nothing wrong?

That's the clear problem here. Someone said they don't want to be your friend you didn't stop there. You crossed the line.

We try to offer advice. You clearly have your mind made up about the situation. I will step out here.