Trouble Staying Interested in Boyfriends

[crrogers22]

I know this really sounds weird but does anybody else repeatedly lose interest in their boyfriends, particularly sexually? I used to think that it was just because I hadn't met the right guy, but I have met a lot of nice guys whom I am very attracted to initially; however, in a very short amount of time (e.g., 2 months to 6 months), I lose all sexual attraction to them. I am not trying to say I start disliking them but I just become apathetic towards them and start not caring if they stay or go. Then I start quietly thinking about whom I could meet if they leave me.

For example, I just met a very, very handsome man who treats me like a king. I also treat him well but it's only because I don't want to hurt his feelings and be ungrateful. However, he is trying to move the relationship forward, and I don't really care whether we stay together or not. The only reason I stay with him is that I know the problem is with me and I hope I can fix it. I think he is starting to pick up on my problem because he is always surprised when I don't show any jealousy when he receives texts or phone calls, etc. The funny thing is that I want to be able to fill a little jealous and be able to fall head over heels.

 

[eastofeden]

Eh...I wouldn't worry about it too much.

I was a lot like that except my time frame was a lot shorter than yours...but then I did fall in love and everything changed. It took the right guy....and I had almost no jealousy either...even after I fell in love.

 

[hylas]

i dont know what to say about your situation, but you (and your bf) shouldnt equate jealousy with love.

 

[Seasoned]

I don't know if it's really something to worry until you regret that a relationship ended. It sounds like you are easily compatible with people, but that you're not necessarily falling in love.

 

[HunterM]

For example, I just met a very, very handsome man who treats me like a king. I also treat him well but it's only because I don't want to hurt his feelings and be ungrateful.

You're not in love. Don't think you're ready for a long term relationship either. You're in lust with the initial attraction...the hunt. Then you get bored. You treat him well BECAUSE "you don't want to hurt his feelings and be ungrateful." It is not...you want to treat him well BECAUSE you love him.

From your past experiences, you should now know what you don't want in a guy. Start making a list of what you are looking for in a guy in a relationship...if you want a long term relationship. The list could include physical traits, emotional, intellectual, personality, etc.

If you're not ready...then keep hooking up.

 

[tangential]

Don't look to sex to do the work of love, and don't look to love to do the work of sex. And don't stress expectations that aren't your own.

 

[Brian Smith]

What you are experiencing is a fading of limerence, where "limerence" is the feeling of, to put it in a few words, "being drunk on love." This fading of limerence is part of the natural progression of a relationship. It is consummately healthy for this to happen. It happens to everybody.

Now, if you can accept that limerence is always going to fade, it is then up to you what kind of life you want to lead. Some people prefer short-term relationships, and they go through their entire lives having exclusively casual, short-term partners. This is okay. Most of these individuals are wonderful, fun-loving, successful people.

However, some of us like the feeling that gradually sets in as limerence fades from a relationship. It is a very different sort of feeling. I call it the feeling of "being domesticated." It is very calming. It is peaceful. That's the part of love that you can take to the bank, open a CD with, and watch earn you interest.

On the other hand, you might find yourself kind of resistant to it, and you might, instead of letting it set in, try to "buck the collar" and go out looking for other prospects, which is okay if you go through an honest break-up process with your partner. You don't ever want to be the sort of person who turns into a two-faced bastard over this sort of thing. It is possible for two emotionally mature adults to end a relationship on relatively amicable terms.

So your feeling of "losing interest" is normal. You have to make a very personal choice, which only you can make...nobody else...whether you think it's worthwhile to pursue the long-term rewards of a lifelong partnership. The only advice I can give you on it is that you have to understand; it's not the same sensation at all.

Would any other people here, who have been in partnerships for a long time, like to corroborate any of this for me, or maybe somebody could explain it better than I have? I think these are some very important principles, and I think there would be much fewer traumatic and dysfunctional relationships if most people understood this.

 

[dale_nx26]

To OP,

I am very similar to you. I've hooked up with guys before I met my current boyfriend, and sometimes with a very few I developed feelings. However, for all of them I would just become disinterested within the same time period as you. And I felt bad; I would disconnect contact without telling them why. It's an immature thing to do.

With my current boyfriend, I broke up with him for a week due to events leading up to that moment including telling him that my physical attraction to him wasn't as strong as when I first met him. I know there are couples who are as in love with each other as when they first met. I wish I still have that kind of strong connection. However, after we got back together and with additional time as boyfriends (an extra year), I now describe my feelings for him to be similar to an old couple: with age you lose attractiveness, but with time you gain a strong bond that makes the saying "its what's on the inside that counts" ever more true. Do I love him? It's still a question I ponder on but for the most part, yes, I do. And I guess it's a little troublesome that I even think this.

Let's just say I happened to hook up with someone whom I was attracted to superficially at first. When he moved, I realized he has the (perfect) personality I desire, which made me question my relationship with my current boyfriend. My boyfriend is an excellent partner, but there's still a side of me that believes there's an even more perfect person for me. So I guess what I'm saying, and at least one other person had said prior, is you never know until you lose someone. And it's even more difficult to know when you're not just comparing looks but also personalities.