Trouble with dating and crushes

[wonderfall]

Hello JUB!
I have a bit of a dilemma of the heart.

I've been seeing this guy (let's call him Mark). We've been on two dates so far, and he is such a kind and gentle-hearted person. We also have a lot in common: TV, video games, movies, food, and even our level of quirkiness. I can tell that he is quickly falling for me. I, on the other hand, will probably need a bit more time to get there.

Thing is, I've also been talking to another guy, Riche. We've been on a date before, and he's planning to visit town next weekend and spend it with me. He's more physically attractive than Mark, I like his personality, and he's fun in bed. He doesn't have much in common with me though, but I still want to give him a chance. He has expressed an interest in a relationship.

To make matters more confusing for me, I have been deeply infatuated with a man I've met months ago, David. Long story short, I met him at a point in my life when I was devastated and broken, and he helped me piece myself back together and put my life into perspective. I am a writer, and he's been my muse, my inspiration. So I want him to have a copy of my novel when I complete it. Too bad for me, he has a boyfriend and they seem perfect for each other.

Basically, I don't think it's fair to both Mark and Riche that I am not being exclusive, and moreso that I can't put my heart completely into dating them because I am infatuated with a man who is already taken. All my life, I've been having impossible crushes on guys, and now that I finally have choices and guys who are willing to return my feelings, I can't put my heart into it and end up doing the same things all over again. It's so frustrating! Any advice would be helpful!

 

[Orlandude]

This almost sounds like you are afraid of commitment unless it is with someone you know you can't have. Since it is a given that you are not going to have anymore than a friendship with David, since he already has a significant other which you say is perfect for him, you really need to move passed your infatuation with David in fairness to yourself. The alternative is that you suffer in silence and you're only hurting yourself. That leaves your being fair to Mark and Riche...two people who ARE available and interested in you. Now you can decide.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome. Off the top of my head I'd offer you this caution: if writing is your passion you are possibly prone to working out your own life in your head where you have control of all the characters. You may have a difficult time separating "work" from "life," but it's probably essential that you do.

Remember that these three people aren't your only choices or possibilities. There are hundreds of people you're yet to meet. Dating isn't meant to be marriage and honesty can help others with their choices as you make yours.

 

[Brtyui]

honestly, u've just been on dates with the guys as seasoned says its not marriage nor complete exclusiveness or your only choice, you don't really owe anyone anything especially when it comes to being exclusive.

That's how i look at dating anyways. Its just simply a series of dates to see wither or not your compatible, if things move forward then that's where you need to decide in how far and what level of friendship you want with the person in question. If your heart isn't in the business or reciprocates then their isn't much point in fooling yourself or anyone else either.

Sometimes its cruel to be kind. I hope it works out for you though, i know that feeling and its an odd one indeed.

 

[HunterM]

Give up on Dave.

Sounded like you have only been dating mark twice...and Rich once. You don't know any of them well to make a decision on which one you want to commit to an exclusive relationship. Keep dating both of them to get to know them better. You should plan on taking separate weekend trips with your dates. You don't really know somone until you have spent 24 hrs a day for a few days with them.

Since Rich is fun in bed, you can learn a few things from him...then teach Mark on how to be fun in bed as well

 

[wonderfall]

This almost sounds like you are afraid of commitment unless it is with someone you know you can't have. Since it is a given that you are not going to have anymore than a friendship with David, since he already has a significant other which you say is perfect for him, you really need to move passed your infatuation with David in fairness to yourself. The alternative is that you suffer in silence and you're only hurting yourself. That leaves your being fair to Mark and Riche...two people who ARE available and interested in you. Now you can decide.

I suppose I am afraid of commitment if it feels like I’m settling for something when I think I could have something better… which is really mean of me to think and almost illogical. In my head, I've built David up to be this fantastic guy who could be my soul mate whose heart I want to win over.. but I know deep down I'm lying to myself. I want to move pass David, but I feel like I need to hold onto this infatuation to finish my writing. Its useful for something!

Welcome. Off the top of my head I'd offer you this caution: if writing is your passion you are possibly prone to working out your own life in your head where you have control of all the characters. You may have a difficult time separating "work" from "life," but it's probably essential that you do.
Remember that these three people aren't your only choices or possibilities. There are hundreds of people you're yet to meet. Dating isn't meant to be marriage and honesty can help others with their choices as you make yours.

I never exactly thought of it that way, but it makes perfect sense. I do live in my imagination, and often time, I find it more interesting than reality. I am working on changing this, but it’s not an easy thing to do. And yes, there are many people I’ve yet to meet! I think I am just feeling impatient, especially since I’ve never been in a relationship before.

honestly, u've just been on dates with the guys as seasoned says its not marriage nor complete exclusiveness or your only choice, you don't really owe anyone anything especially when it comes to being exclusive.
That's how i look at dating anyways. Its just simply a series of dates to see wither or not your compatible, if things move forward then that's where you need to decide in how far and what level of friendship you want with the person in question. If your heart isn't in the business or reciprocates then their isn't much point in fooling yourself or anyone else either.
Sometimes its cruel to be kind. I hope it works out for you though, i know that feeling and its an odd one indeed.

You’re right… I have only dated one guy prior to this, and all of my other experiences with guys have either been hookups or fuck buddies. So I don’t really know much about dating. I won’t worry about exclusiveness just yet. I think I am afraid of letting someone go if I find we are not compatible… I would have too much pity on the person to do it.

Give up on Dave.
Sounded like you have only been dating mark twice...and Rich once. You don't know any of them well to make a decision on which one you want to commit to an exclusive relationship. Keep dating both of them to get to know them better. You should plan on taking separate weekend trips with your dates. You don't really know somone until you have spent 24 hrs a day for a few days with them.
Since Rich is fun in bed, you can learn a few things from him...then teach Mark on how to be fun in bed as well

Weekend trips sound like fun Been thinking about the beach or hiking. I will continue to date both of them and let you all know how it goes!

have you talked about exclusivity with either Mark or Riche?
do you want to talk about exclusivity with either of them?
I think it's perfectly fair as long as you aren't leading them to believe that you're exclusively dating them... most people date multiple people at any point in time before settling down with one.

We haven’t talked about it, but I feel like it’s getting there with Mark. I definitely don’t want to lie to either of them.

 

[Rolyo85]

I don't really think there's anything wrong with going on a few dates with more than one person. As long as it's clear to BOTH of you that you're not committed, it's fair.

I'll only point out that mutual interests are the most superficial means of connecting. How you see the world, how you perceive it, how you respond to everything that's happening around you - those are things that are much more important between two people if there is romance on the table. Once you become close, you WILL start to mingle interests - you'll want to know more about his world, and he about yours.

And last - there will ALWAYS be someone better for you. There will be someone better looking, someone whose personality is a better match to yours, etc. That doesn't mean you'll ever meet them though. A relationship is not about finding the perfect guy, it's about being with someone who makes you feel safe, complete and happy. Someone who makes you a better person and whose very presence empowers you. Once you meet such a guy, you HOLD ON TIGHT, because even though there might be thousands better ones, chances are your paths will never cross, or if they do, you won't recognize them.

It's not about settling, it's about recognizing happiness, and nourishing it.



And Dave is not in the picture at all, obviously. Duh.

 

[Just_Believe18]

^ Good advice.

 

[wonderfall]

I don't really think there's anything wrong with going on a few dates with more than one person. As long as it's clear to BOTH of you that you're not committed, it's fair.

I'll only point out that mutual interests are the most superficial means of connecting. How you see the world, how you perceive it, how you respond to everything that's happening around you - those are things that are much more important between two people if there is romance on the table. Once you become close, you WILL start to mingle interests - you'll want to know more about his world, and he about yours.

And last - there will ALWAYS be someone better for you. There will be someone better looking, someone whose personality is a better match to yours, etc. That doesn't mean you'll ever meet them though. A relationship is not about finding the perfect guy, it's about being with someone who makes you feel safe, complete and happy. Someone who makes you a better person and whose very presence empowers you. Once you meet such a guy, you HOLD ON TIGHT, because even though there might be thousands better ones, chances are your paths will never cross, or if they do, you won't recognize them.

It's not about settling, it's about recognizing happiness, and nourishing it.


And Dave is not in the picture at all, obviously. Duh.

The thought of there always being someone better for me is a bit unsettling, but there's billions of people in the world, and I sure ain't meeting most of em, so I won't sweat about it

Dave was never in the picture, I feel strangely guilty and inappropriate when I think about him sometimes. I think I'll be content if he just existed in the back of my imagination. I just hope I don't run into him in real life again.

Mark does make me feel happy and safe, along with having things in common. I feel very happy when I think about the things we've done together on our dates.

 

[DBSKIsMine]

Mark does make me feel happy and safe, along with having things in common. I feel very happy when I think about the things we've done together on our dates.

Feeling happy and safe, in my mind, at least, is of critical importance. Despite what others have said, common ground is a good thing. Yes, you could ultimately meet someone you have nothing in common with and still there would be a spark. But if you cannot have interests that mingle later on because you are so different you could eventually fall apart.

You mentioned that you have had some sort of physical aspect to your relationship with Riche. Has it gotten that far with Mark? Would you want it to? Can you see it happening? You've got to have the happy and safe, as well as the physical, to have all the right components of a potentially functional future relationship.

 

[Rolyo85]

I never said common ground is a bad thing, just that it's nothing but a starting point. Obviously if you've got NOTHING in common, it's not likely you'll be able to have any contact.

 

[DBSKIsMine]

I never said common ground is a bad thing, just that it's nothing but a starting point. Obviously if you've got NOTHING in common, it's not likely you'll be able to have any contact.

My apologies. I may have misinterpreted what you said. I think the angle I was going for with my statement is that, especially when you're new to dating, common interests are a better jumping off point.

I've lived and learned enough to know at this point that physical attractiveness and good sex can seem appealing enough to get to know someone early on, but if you have nothing beyond that it doesn't ever really go anywhere.

To reiterate my previous post, if you can find someone where you can have the happy, the safe, the physical all in one, along with all those common interests to break the ice, even if it's not exactly what you think you're wanting, it could end up being exactly what you're needing.

 

[wonderfall]

To reiterate my previous post, if you can find someone where you can have the happy, the safe, the physical all in one, along with all those common interests to break the ice, even if it's not exactly what you think you're wanting, it could end up being exactly what you're needing.

This is the advice I was looking for! There's my new checklist!

Does this person make me happy?

Does this person make me feel safe? (Safe is a bit ambiguous to me, can someone describe this to me?)

Does this person physically interest me?

Does this person have anything in common with me?

 

[DBSKIsMine]

Does this person make me feel safe? (Safe is a bit ambiguous to me, can someone describe this to me?)

I would say safe is just more a feeling of comfortableness around the person. The ability to not be so guarded and instead open up to them more easily.

You seem to be leaning more towards Riche because of the fact that he is, as you say, more physically attractive than Mark, and fun in bed.

Based on what you've made in your "checklist" would you say that both Riche and Mark meet the first two criteria? The sex portion is something that can always be worked on later. I can have sex with someone and not feel happy nor safe with them. The reverse is also true, but ideally you want both.

 

[Rolyo85]

Being safe means that when you're with them, you feel like nothing can harm you, like you are in neither physical, nor emotional danger of any kind.

 

[wonderfall]

I had to let go of Riche because I know nothing is there between us, and David is just a passing thought now, though he'll always have a special place in my heart.

I have to say, I have quite fallen for Mark. We went on another date last week and had our first kiss. He is so nice, warm, and very cute and handsome in his own way! I feel like we just get each other. I think about him a lot, and sometimes I worry about him. The best part is, he feels exactly the same about me!

I'm just worried I'll mess this up somehow. Any tips on how to foster and nurture this relationship? I want to go on a few more dates before we call each other boyfriends! I've never been in a relationship before.

 

[DBSKIsMine]

I'm just worried I'll mess this up somehow. Any tips on how to foster and nurture this relationship? I want to go on a few more dates before we call each other boyfriends! I've never been in a relationship before.

Sounds like you made a very smart decision. Don't try to force things to happen too quickly. Take your time and let it grow organically. There's no sense in putting a label on yourself just because you think you should. Assure him that he makes you happy if he indeed does. When you feel you're ready to be exclusive with him, then sit down and talk and share that with him. Going on a few more dates is a very smart idea as well, because it gives you a chance to get out of the infatuation period and really see how well you guys connect.

Good luck and keep us posted!