Trouble with Grieving friend

[j0rdan]

...but I genuinely dont care about it any more...

Good for you enderwiggen! *CRAZY* People RARELY make sense - that's why they're crazy in the first place.

If one were to follow the last poster before you, analyzing until one could analyze no more, on 'why' a crazy person is crazy - you would go insane.
Hence why I no longer do such things.

Empathy, Sympathy and all such things are Great - to an extent.
In truth, if you followed any suggestions that stated you should go back for seconds - I'd say you really *love* being treated like shit and deserve it (for going back for more [much like how my mom is/was]).

The consensus is that you did the right thing by putting an end to the madness, thus making your life easier & happier, as well as putting the crazy lady out of your life - which is the best thing one could do in my opinion.


As I said before, while being empathetic and sympathetic are all nice and sweet - it's imperative that one 'does NOT' forget their rationality at the door, else we may forget our sanity.


Here's a quote I always find useful in times of abuse/victimization like these: "..if we forget the mistakes of the past, we are bound to repeat them in the future.."


Take Care,

- Jordan

 

[enderwiggen]

".if we forget the mistakes of the past, we are bound to repeat them in the future.."

Indeed!

 

[enderwiggen]

Well.... here I am again with a new [but somewhat trivial update]. On Facebook, she "Un-Friended" Me. In several ways, that is an improvement because I don't have any desire to associate with people who abuse others. On the other however, it was hurtful. She was one of my best friends, and that was kind of another little jab at a healing wound.

Sometimes it seems like the smaller things hurt the most. I guess subconsciously I was hoping that in the future we could patch things up a little bit, but seeing as how this has happened.... I guess things wont change for a long time. What makes this somewhat more difficult is the fact that when school starts, I will see her for several hours a day, 5 days a week.

So, while no contact has been a good thing, she hasn't ever removed someone as a friend before.... ever. Even when she was over her head in drama with people and was swearing to transfer schools. I guess cutting off friendships isn't ever a fun thing.

But... at least I have come out of this with a respectable amount of class. I didn't make a public scene out of things, and she did [as she has several times]. She has just lost any amount of reputation that she had. And in the world of Classical musicians, that is practically a death sentance.

Oh well....

Off to lick this new wound, and move on because I don't deserve this treatment.

But it still makes me feel bad.....

DAMN IT! Times like these really make me resent being an Artist. By nature being a: writer, artist, actor, and musician, I tend to read into things like this too much...

Off to vent.... where is paper and pencil? ::scampers off to write and sketch::

 

[Aflute04]

...She's a classical musician?!?!

Are you a classical musician?!?!

Yes, I totally agree with you. One of the smallest little cliques around...

 

[luminum]

Man...Fuuuuuck her....

Your wounds will heal, but her shame and disgrace will remain.

 

[enderwiggen]

...She's a classical musician?!?!

Are you a classical musician?!?!

Yes, I totally agree with you. One of the smallest little cliques around...

Yes, we are both classical musicians. A small clique indeed. So, that makes things that much harder. But, like previously said, my wounds will heal, but her shame shall not. People will still remember this about her, and it will probably come back to haunt her.

 

[G-Lexington]

I've only just read this thread, and so anything I say is too little, too late.

But here are two things I would've said at the outset.

1. One can't anticipate how people will react when they're thrown into grief.
2. One can't do anything about anybody else's actions.

When she first bitched you out "for no reason" on Facebook, the proper response would've been to simply let it sit. Writing to her to say your feelings were hurt simply added fuel to the fire, and gave her something further to bitch about. It would've been better to simply let her work through it, and then talked about it to her once she was done grieving. If she came back to you, then you could've brought it up. If she didn't, you'd know there's no reason to continue talking with her.

Does that mean I "blame" you for what happened? Not at all. But, again, the only thing you can control is your own actions, not hers.

Lex

 

[enderwiggen]

Forgive my language, but she is one crazy ass bitch.

UPDATE

I was at work yesterday, and my cell phone went off. I got a text message from her. I opened it, and it was addressed to someone else. Well, being polite, I just said "sorry, I'm not dan" [dan was the guy she was texting] to let her know that she was sending the wrong guy messages. She replied by saying that she had no intention of texting me. So, I just shut my phone and moved on. No big deal. About 30 minutes later, all of a sudden, she started spamming my inbox. Clearly either she was intentionally spamming it, or her phone had a glitch and it sent me the texts by accident. Again, being polite I said, "Sorry, but you accidentally sent me the wrong texts". She replied:

"[my name] what part of fuck off don't you get? If you are like this when school starts, I will NOT hold back."

Okay.... so now I have an outright threat from her.

I immediately called my studio professor [the professor who teaches my instrument in the music department], and she and I talked this out. Evidently, she is taking this more seriously than I am. My professor has made it quite clear that if "crazy girl" makes any more threats, continues to unjustly harass me, or becomes physically violent, she will have her thrown out of the University.

But, I am not so concerned about the university kicking her out. Expelling her wont keep her off the school grounds. If she is expelled, or continues to harass me, I am seriously considering going to the court house and filing a restraining order on her.

I did not initiate contact with her. She came after me. I have kept all of the messages, comments, and text messages, and will keep my phone bill when it gets here. She may think that she is immune to legal action because she has a degree in Political Sciences, but if she doesnt stop harassing me, she could very well have a lawsuit knocking down her door. That would be quite the surprise for her.

Thoughts anyone?

 

[jackoroe]

You've done nothing wrong. You attempted to comfort a friend in a time of despair. She rebuffed your kindness. Don't have another word to say to her. Let her come to you, if she wants.

 

[theblackajah]

I say tell that bitch that she shouldn't be so sad- her father's in a better place... away from her.

Then, proceed to ignore her and sever your friendship. That bitch needs a cold slap of reality- the world doesn't revolve around her and her grief. Maybe someone should ship her off to Africa to get gangraped by a rebel band, and see if she still thinks her current situation is so bad it's worth fucking others over for.

 

[backpacker]

I say tell that bitch that she shouldn't be so sad- her father's in a better place... away from her.

I love that line!

My guess is that she didn't accidentally text you, but rather she just wanted it to seem accidental. She was probably hoping that you would attempt friendly contact and was probably pissed when you didn't. Your reply was polite, but what I mean by friendly is that you ask how she's doing, etc.

You are smart to document the harassment. In the future, no matter what she sends, do not respond. Psychos feed off the reaction and the only way to end it is to not give them any response. Don't worry about being polite, she doesn't deserve it. If you have to have contact with her in class, keep it to a minimum. If the harassment continues, don't be afraid to seek legal help.

By the way, if the school kicks her out for harassment, they will probably ban her from campus. If she violates their ban, she could be arrested for trespassing. Involving school officials could be very useful if the harassment is interfering with your studies.

 

[bluedragon4]

Her father is probably turning over in his grave over her bad behavior!! grieving is no excuse! don't ever try to talk to her again. That whole my therapist told you to shut-up thing would piss me off beyond words!!! You have more restraint than I do.

 

[enderwiggen]

I too thought that line was very funny. However, because she was a friend, I find it humorously cruel, but that didnt stop me from agreeing. She is psycho, and people just need to stay away from her.

I contacted my phone company, but unfortunately they can't block her phone number from calling my phone and vice versa. So, I kept her number programmed in my phone so that I wont accidentally answer a number I dont recognize, and find her on the other end. Otherwise, all contact is cut off. I have her blocked on facebook [which I am avoiding like the plague anyway], I am not going to call or recieve calls from her [text messages included], she has my email address, but I wont be replying to any emails [if she hasnt gotten rid of it that is], I will be calling the university to tighten the security on my campus contact info [my campus email and mailbox is listed publicly in the school network, but that will be changed immediately], and she doesnt have my home address [thank GOD!].


Right now, I am seriously considering the restraining order. I just sent an email to a friend of mine who is a lawyer and I am awaiting his perspective on this situation. Hopefully he will be able to give a thorough insight on this from a legal point of view. I will see how things go when school starts, but chances are, are that the university will have to be involved, and possibly local law enforcement.

I kind of hope she drops out of school, or just leaves me alone. She is 7 years older than I am, and she has the political sciences degree, thus giving her the impression that she can't be touched legally. I know that it seems like I am being redundant [and I am], but my mother is a supervisor in the social work department for the state, and I know this sort of process frontward and backward. It starts with harassment/assault, then, if the victim is reasonably intelligent, they will take legal action. That is why I have documented this whole thing. I understand exactly how much support it would give me if I had to press charges for assault.

Hopefully, this wont happen, because lawsuits of this nature are sticky, and I would rather this thing end without law enforcement being involved.

 

[probeteam1]

How does she think a Poli Sci degree protects her from legal action? Had I known that was one of the perks, I'd have chosen a different major. This woman is troubled, and has chosen to share her misery with you. Therapy has apparently done her little good, so the next best thing is to look after yourself.

As others have mentioned if she is expelled for this behavior, she will likely be banned from campus as well; if you see her on campus after that, call campus security. The restraining order isn't a bad idea either. I can understand the idea of wanting to handle this without involving e authorities, but it doesn't seem that she can be reasoned with, and if she's inventing reasons to rekindle he fight ("mis-dialed" text messages and the like) then she probably won't leave you alone just because you're leaving her alone.

 

[3nipples]

Thoughts anyone?

You're way over the top on this. Get a grip on your drama.

The barrage of sms were probably accidental. She doesn't know she did it and misinterpreted your intention when you tried to warn her. She's not being very nice about it. Weak people tend to overreact when they feel threatened.

 

[hurriwelli]

You're way over the top on this. Get a grip on your drama.

The barrage of sms were probably accidental. She doesn't know she did it and misinterpreted your intention when you tried to warn her. She's not being very nice about it. Weak people tend to overreact when they feel threatened.

I tend to agree with this.

It's not that I don't think she's crazy or anything because she certainly sounds like she is but I also think you're putting too much energy into this situation yourself. With the text messages you should've just deleted them.

What I don't get is just why she feels so compelled to draw you into battle all the time. I highly doubt it's all coincidental. From the sounds of things she keeps throwing fishing lines at you and you keep getting hooked. Stop it!

Stop letting her drag you into her power struggles. She stopped being your friend way back when she first attacked you on Facebook. Since then she has done nothing to prove she's sorry. Like someone else said you can't control her behavior only yours.

Get a new cellphone number, delete your Facebook profile if you need to, don't even make eye contact with her in class but stop letting her suck you in. If she makes any kind of contact with you don't reply. Don't give her another reason to bitch on you again.

If she then starts to stalk you by all means get the restraining order. Get other people involved so they can step in and put it in her head that she's an idiot. To be honest it sounds like she gets off on making you feel like shit and she's made it her personal mission to do this as often as she can.

What you really need is to be far far away from this girl. She's nothing but trouble.

 

[enderwiggen]

I agree as well. This is way out of control, and I have every intention of just ignoring her from now on. She caught me off guard, and took advantage of the fact that I see the best in people, and am generally a very nice forgiving person. But, that wont happen again.

As for the question about her poli sci major making her think that she is practically immune... she is a very arrogant young woman, and she uses that degree as a weapon of sorts. She has the whole "I have a poli sci degree, so I know what I am doing" attitude that basically says that she thinks she can pull a lawsuit on you in an instant if you do anything that upsets her. I mean, I am sure that she knows in actuality that she is not immune to legal action, but she definately uses her degree to scare people [thus insuring that most individuals will definately think twice before crossing her].

I am just going to shake my head, and move on. She is just trying to pull me back into her net, and I am not going to go back. I have been nice. I have been polite, and I have tried to give her benefit of the doubt. The gloves are off, and I am not going to waste my time with trash.

 

[backpacker]

^ Good for you!

 

[hurriwelli]

Ditto what vetteboi said.

You don't need to be a doormat for her drama.

 

[enderwiggen]

You are right. I dont need to be her doormat. There are very few people that I hold grudges against, and typically those who I do hold them against are people who made my life hell. She has tried to make it hellish, but hasnt quite succeeded [I am rather resilient when it comes to people trying to make me miserable]. But, on the otherhand, she is crazy whereas those other individuals were just assholes who enjoyed picking on a little kid with a handicap [severe Gynecomastia *man boobs* and the school board actually took action against them, and reformed many of their rules, policies, and hallway monitoring methods]. But that is a different story that was resolved by A: the school, B: I became rather spirited and wouldnt put up with their shit, and C: surgery removed the problem.

So, when she does try to establish contact, I wont acknowledge her more than is neccessary [orchestra auditions are coming up, and we both have to be there--fun stuff..... ]. If I do have to say anything, it wont be friendly [not mean because I dont want to implicate myself if I have to contact the university officials, but assertive as in : leave me the hell alone].