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Trust

M

mcdaddy

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Hey guys,
I came out to my parents July 31, 2007. Probably one of the worst days of my life. My relationship with my parents hasn't been the same ever since.
Before I went to college, we had 5 fights in 2 days. Finally, upon my continued resistence to "take it back", my mom said "then for god's sake don't tell anyone." I'm not one to broadcast, but I had already, actually, told all the people at school that I cared to tell. All of the fights I had with my parents came out of nowhere. I was telling my mom about this broadcast I heard on NPR about athiests and foxholes, to which she filters out "my son is a godless homo." She saw a nice letter a girl had written me for a graduation thing, and I told her it was just some stupid graduation thing, and that she was just doing what a lot of my female friends do; turning small projects into big elaborate projects. To which my mom responds "you just don't like girls at all, do you."
So things aren't good on the home front.
Then, at school, we were having a party at my fraturnity. I invited a few Freshmen friends of mine and specifically told my best friend not to touch one of my friends who is a girl. She's been at college for 6 days and has never been drunk before. I didn't want to facilitate her first drunken mistake.
He then, of course, ignores this, gets drunk, and makes out with her enough that she has an enormous hikkie (sp?) on her neck. After I take her home, I come back and talk to him about it (basically, "what the fuck was that?"). He didn't care and said he'd do it again, too. So I hit him. And then we had a small fist fight, which I promptly lost as I'm 125 lb and he's 350. Was fighting right? Probably not, but I was tired of people treating me like I was not a force to recken with. I may not win, but I won't allow you to do shit that affects me without at least putting up with a fight. In short, I don't regret it. Anyway, he stormed out of the room and call me a faggot.
So now I'm fighting with my parents and fighting with my friends. I am emotionally shot. Weirdly, the only person I still trust is a guy I met online who I haven't talked to in a week or two.
I don't know if there is even a question in there. I'm not even angry or upset anymore. I'm just...untrusting. I don't trust my family, because unconditional love seems to have a few more conditions than I thought. I don't trust my best friend anymore because it seems to be quite evident that he doesn't respect me as a person. I feel like my life is one enormous charade.

I guess if there is a moral in here, it's this. Coming out sucks. Hands down. You know that, I knew it before I did it. I didn't really think about the aftershocks of it.
 
Hang in there, bud, and remember this: Friends come and go. It's one of the most important lessons in life. As for your family, I can only hope that they'll come around. Give it time. :)
 
>>>Coming out sucks. Hands down. You know that.

No, it doesn't. It didn't for me, anyway. And it only takes one exception to break a rule.

You fighting with your large friend had zero-zilch-nada with you being gay, or you coming out. It had to do with you being overly-protective of your female friend. Admirable, but your female friend is a big girl now who is going to have to learn that people can take advantage of her easier when she's drunk. All your homosexuality did was give him an easy name to call you. What - if you hadn't have come out, he wouldn't have fought you? He would've just called you a "fucker" instead.

Here's the good news. You're in college. No shortage of possible new friends. Sounds like you might need some. Get on it. :)

Lex
 
You need to not be so sensitive. Everything isn't about you and everything about you isn't all that important.

Your friend(s) can make out with whomever they choose. Your parents have the right to adjust to the new news that you are gay.

You are too hostile.
 
Give your parents some time. I bet they will accept you for who you are. After all you are still the boy they have always known and loved. Now they just know a little more about you!

As for your friend. Forget him. Something tells me he wasn't a real friend anyway! Find some friends that truly respect you and like you for who you are!

It may take some time but you will eventually be able to trust people again!
 
Sounds like you've already learned a lot. Hang in there, things will get better.
 
I think I misrepresented what I feel.

I don't regret coming out. It sucked, but it was still worth it.

I guess what I fucking me up right now is that I had a lot of faith in other people. I've always known that I was fucked up and just assumed that other people would be reliable. That reliablilty seems to have been an illusion. My parents, a figurative rock in my life, fell through when I needed their support. My friends that I relied upon in college have similarly let me down. I am now discerning very clearly that some people that I thought were my friends don't respect me as a person. I hear the suggestion to make new friends, but somehow, I just don't trust other people right now. Too many let downs all in a row.
 
many have been through the "not trusting anyone" thing and a part of me still doesn't - not a good thing - but this is also an intense time for you and it does smooth out - don't judge all of life by this time period, many changes and a lot of things happening -

I think it was cool you took a stand for your female friend -
 
God, your mother sounds horrible. I was pissed with her trying to jam you back in the closet before, but c'mon, Mom.

Don't worry about your idiot drunken guy friends; at your age, they're all pretty disposable. Once he's come to realize that you were right and he was wrong, he'll apologize.......and if he doesn't, you don't want him as a friend anyway.

I don't know what we do with your parents though. They have failed you miserably, not the other way around.

Don't lose faith. There are a lot of people out there who will be an unconditional friend. You have demonstrated that you are a good friend, at least to the one girl.

I would say though, that the best way to deal with your parents might be to just keep distance between you and them for a few months while they continue to digest all of this.
 
Mild update.

I feel a bit better. Not great, but better. I started hanging out with other people instead and just altogether avoiding people who made me feel bad when I was around them. So that's progress.

Concerning my parents, I have no had several over the phone conversations that have gone by just fine. We don't talk about it, but we aren't fighting, either. Progress, I suppose.

My friend has a theory that the reason all of these things keep happening all in a row like this is that I have been in the spotlight for the last bit. I came out, I hit a guy, etc. So my new montra...my current goal for right now is the following:

Stay out of the limelight.
Avoid confrontation when I can.

So, and of course this is open for critique by you lovely gentlemen, is to hang out with people that don't piss me off. I am going to keep talking to my mom about anything but my sexuality. I'm just going to focus on school and hope this shit blows over.

That is the current goal, anyway.

Once less craziness is hitting, though, I have a question. Where do you guys meet guys? I know some gay guys at my school, but all the ones I know I am already friends with...and I'm not romantically inclined toward any of them. My friends set me up with a guy at the end of last year, but his values were very different from mine in that he was a lot more...liberal...sexually...than I was. I see cute guys all over campus, but I have no idea if they are gay or not. I would feel really awkward if I started hitting on a guy and found out he was straight. To be fair, that must be what it feels like for girls who hit on me, but still. Any advice?
 
IT seems you are doing good. It will take time before you people surrounding you will accept the things they have just learned. They are learning to see you as a new person, as a person they never new, so I guess what you are experiencing is pretty normal.
 
hmmm makes me worry.. the mean comments... and fighting. probably from resentment they feel... that sucks


i'm really sorry, hope things get better. PM me if you ever want to talk
 
I think you're doing remarkably well - for a 19 year old. But I can't help noticing how 'I'm just going to focus on school and hope this shit blows over' segues into ' I see cute guys all over campus, but I have no idea if they are gay or not'.

Since you're away from home the confrontations with your parents can be pretty much avoided. Of course, they'll be freaking out about the gay stuff you might be getting up to at college. Now that you're in a position where you must, of necessity, behave more independently you have the opportunity to begin to sort out what's right for you and what you want out of life, as an adult. There's a huge temptation to experience it all at once.

So is your focus on a college education or on bonking the cute gay guys? Try and keep a sense of proportion.
 
It sounds like you're making the right decisions. There's no reason to hang out with people who cause you major grief. Not talking to your mother about your sexuality is probably a good idea for awhile - it'll help reaffirm that you're still YOU, still a happy functioning human being, not "one of them".

Where do you meet guys? Does your school have a Gay Student Union? Swing by for a meeting, meet some folks, see what happens.

Lex
 
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