uncomfortable with who I am

[marky444]

This is a journal entry I just wrote. It pretty much says what I want to say so I thought I'd just copy and paste it. I'd really appreciate some people reading it and giving me their thoughts on it. The crux of my issues is obviously caring about what ppl/society think about me too much. Anyway, I'd really appreciate some guidance/advice.

"...I really worry about my personality and the way I come across. I guess that's another of my issues and it connects back to being uncomfortable with my sexuality. I always want to be friends with masculine, athletic, (straight) guys beause that's how I view myself or at least how I want to. and I think I can successfully present myself as that ... from afar. once ppl talk to me I worry they're going to sense that perhaps I'm not that and start to question my sexualty - at the very least, they'll pick up on some insincerity and that will deter them. I guess the big problem is that I don't know even know who I am. I have no idea how I'd act if I hadn't grown up worrying about what society thought of me (but then isn't that the case for everyone to some extent?). I assume I'd act more like a stereotypical gay guy but I honestly don't know - the reason I say that is at times when I've let my guard down ppl have picked up the fact that I'm gay. I don't want to be a stereotypial gay guy. I want just want to be a regular, masculine guy who happens to be gay. I have no problem with guys who act more femininely but that's just not how I see myself. I don't want my sexuality to define my personality in that way. but maybe I'm just speaking from a place of insecurity. maybe I'm just trying to please society to fit in and as such make my life easier/less contentious. I don't know!! I don't like how control freaks come across so even though I have control freak tendencies I've trained myself to to suppress them and come across as easy-going because again that's the person I want to be. Is that the same thing? I'm tailor-making my personality so that I am the person I want to be as opposed to the person I naturally am. but maybe society has lead me to believe I want to be a certain way. Is it even possible not to care what society thinks? Am I just full of self-hatred? I'm very confused."

 

[altlover85]

This is a journal entry I just wrote. It pretty much says what I want to say so I thought I'd just copy and paste it. I'd really appreciate some people reading it and giving me their thoughts on it. The crux of my issues is obviously caring about what ppl/society think about me too much. Anyway, I'd really appreciate some guidance/advice.

"...I really worry about my personality and the way I come across. I guess that's another of my issues and it connects back to being uncomfortable with my sexuality. I always want to be friends with masculine, athletic, (straight) guys beause that's how I view myself or at least how I want to. and I think I can successfully present myself as that ... from afar. once ppl talk to me I worry they're going to sense that perhaps I'm not that and start to question my sexualty - at the very least, they'll pick up on some insincerity and that will deter them. I guess the big problem is that I don't know even know who I am. I have no idea how I'd act if I hadn't grown up worrying about what society thought of me (but then isn't that the case for everyone to some extent?). I assume I'd act more like a stereotypical gay guy but I honestly don't know - the reason I say that is at times when I've let my guard down ppl have picked up the fact that I'm gay. I don't want to be a stereotypial gay guy. I want just want to be a regular, masculine guy who happens to be gay. I have no problem with guys who act more femininely but that's just not how I see myself. I don't want my sexuality to define my personality in that way. but maybe I'm just speaking from a place of insecurity. maybe I'm just trying to please society to fit in and as such make my life easier/less contentious. I don't know!! I don't like how control freaks come across so even though I have control freak tendencies I've trained myself to to suppress them and come across as easy-going because again that's the person I want to be. Is that the same thing? I'm tailor-making my personality so that I am the person I want to be as opposed to the person I naturally am. but maybe society has lead me to believe that's the way I want to be. Am I just full of self-hatred? I'm very confused."

Thanks for sharing this with us.

The first thing I'll say is that most people aren't thinking about you as much as you think they are. I'm thinking a lot more about me than I am about other people and suspect it's the same with other people.

As to being masucline or feminine, just do the things you like to do and let the chips fall where they may. If someone says you're gay and you aren't ready to come out to them you can either deny it (I don't recommend doing that) or ignore it. Ideally you could use it as a springboard to coming out to them, but you may not be there yet.

As far as being less controlling, I think that's a positive thing and it's great that you are working on that. As long as you realize that being feminine isn't a negative thing, I think you'll be fine, even if it feels like it's something that is undesirable.

Authenticity is ideal, but remember that a lot of people act differently depending on who they are around, which I think is normal. As long as you aren't being fake, I think you'll be fine.

Good luck!

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

You'll grow out of it once you've met enough assholes.

 

[rareboy]

I'm going to parse your post to make some things stand out a little more clearly for you.

This is a journal entry I just wrote. It pretty much says what I want to say so I thought I'd just copy and paste it. I'd really appreciate some people reading it and giving me their thoughts on it. The crux of my issues is obviously caring about what ppl/society think about me too much. Anyway, I'd really appreciate some guidance/advice.

"...I really worry about my personality and the way I come across. I guess that's another of my issues and it connects back to being uncomfortable with my sexuality.

I always want to be friends with masculine, athletic, (straight) guys beause that's how I view myself or at least how I want to. and I think I can successfully present myself as that ... from afar. once ppl talk to me I worry they're going to sense that perhaps I'm not that and start to question my sexualty - at the very least, they'll pick up on some insincerity and that will deter them.

I guess the big problem is that I don't know even know who I am. I have no idea how I'd act if I hadn't grown up worrying about what society thought of me (but then isn't that the case for everyone to some extent?). I assume I'd act more like a stereotypical gay guy but I honestly don't know - the reason I say that is at times when I've let my guard down ppl have picked up the fact that I'm gay. I don't want to be a stereotypical gay guy. I want just want to be a regular, masculine guy who happens to be gay.

I have no problem with guys who act more femininely but that's just not how I see myself. I don't want my sexuality to define my personality in that way. but maybe I'm just speaking from a place of insecurity. maybe I'm just trying to please society to fit in and as such make my life easier/less contentious. I don't know!!

I don't like how control freaks come across so even though I have control freak tendencies I've trained myself to to suppress them and come across as easy-going because again that's the person I want to be. Is that the same thing? I'm tailor-making my personality so that I am the person I want to be as opposed to the person I naturally am. but maybe society has lead me to believe I want to be a certain way. Is it even possible not to care what society thinks? Am I just full of self-hatred? I'm very confused."

Ok. And now to address your dilemma.

Stop caring about what society wants you to be as a man.

Be what you want to be as a man.

Many have done this very successfully. So can you.

Be natural. Be friendly. Develop a sense of humour and empathy. Work on your essential human qualities and less on whether you could pass as straight from 500 paces.

You apparently don't even know what a stereotypical homo should be. You think fem and campy. That is only one stereotype.

Realize the absurdity of your dislike of the appearance of being a control freak leading you to impose hyper control freak controls over how you present yourself to the world. Laugh at yourself about this, because it is really funny.

Stop being a fake. Start being real.

Breathe.

You can be a happy homo. Believe me.

 

[pai mei]

Hi!

you said that some people have guessed that you are gay, are you openly out to your friends and/or fam?

look, everyone 'cares' what society thinks of them. it's great to say that you shouldn't care, and maybe you shouldn't, but the truth is that everyone wants to be accepted. everyone. i think what's important is being able to alter your view of how you fit into it all. first and foremost, there's going to be people that don't like you. you can't avoid that, and your sexuality isn't going to change that fact. you have to come to terms with that, with being disliked, and i'm not saying that that will be easy for you, it may not be, but you have to work on it. secondly, being gay, being bi, being effeminate..... there is nothing wrong with any of it.

*know* that, don't just say it or think it, but know it. maybe that's something you have to work on internally as well, i'm not sure, but i think you have to get to a point where you can say, 'hey, this is me, and if im hated for it... i'm hated for it.' sure, you want to be liked... but you can't accomodate everyone, you just can't. it's not a bad thing working on your personality, it really isn't, it isn't a bad thing to try to improve yourself. that said, you have to identify what really is an improvement. being more 'straight-acting' isn't an improvement. conversely being effeminate isn't an improvement. they're just different.

personally, i'm pretty conscious of how i appear to others too, and maybe i am also a bit insecure... and i too want to be accepted. but that doesn't MEAN you have to be overly effeminate as a gay guy, it just means you have to realize... that.. well, you like dick. and you have to be comfortable with everyone knowing that you love it. even if not *everyone* actually knows it.

i only recently came out as bi to all my friends, about 3-4 weeks ago. and i am so happy i did. it's not that i'm an effeminate guy by nature, in fact i had tried to be the opposite of that for the majority of my life, and everyone told me that they were kindof surprised when i told em, (though from my vantage point i thought it was blatantly obvious... i suppose that is insecurities and such ) so i think i come from a place that isn't *too* different from where you're at, the truth was though... that i WANTED to be able to sit there and admit that i just started using facewash/moisturizer, and crest white strips... and that i LIKE v-necks. and i dont want to be called 'gay' for saying it. well... i mean.. in a negative way.

maybe i've just rambled on with no point.... but i think you need to want to be *who you are.* you're gay. no, that doesn't mean you have to be effeminate, but it means that you have. to. be. gay. if simon nessman is on tv, and someone asks you if you think he's hot, you have to be able to say 'my god... is he ever.... like. my god.' (because... fuck... it's simon nessman!) lol. anyways, when i came out a lil bit ago, i went on a 1 girl, 5 gays binge. (i guess i always wanted to watch the show lol... so i watched every episode on mtv for free) it's suuuuch an awesome show lol. (imo) i loved it. almost everyone they have on it is somewhat, or quite abit, effeminate. (except one or two) watching them actually really helped me change my views on that stereotype ALOT. the effeminate guy doesn't always have to be that overly annoying, loud, obnoxious guy. not at all.

anyways... those are some of my thoughts on it maybe i missed the point though, not sure.

 

[Seasoned]

I'm going to write exactly what I would tell you in person. I believe you are thinking too much and you need ways to quiet your mind. I'd advise you to keep journaling but get out and live. You are not writing a story you are living a life. That means you do things or choose not to do things and then evaluate your decisions and behavior. Having difficulty with too much second guessing is an issue for therapy. Live life. Enjoy life. Laugh at yourself. Share what you have and what you learn with friends and family. Planning is ok, but so it spontaneity. Cheers!

 

[marky444]

Thanks, I really do appreciate the replies - they were all insightful. I think these are really important points:
-I need to stop caring so much about what other people think of me
-in the same vein, I need to stop over-thinking everything
-if someone dislikes me for who I am/being gay then why would I want to associate with them anyway

pai mei -I'm not out but I also don't go around talking about girls so I'm sure some of the people in my life probably guess that I'm gay. I found '1 girls on 5 gays' on youtube. is that where you're watching it? I'm enjoying it so thanks for the recommendation.

I'm very concious of my mannerisms/voice. If I let my guard down I honestly don't know whether I'd come across as camp. I guess I am insecure about that because I feel that guys that are camp do get stereotyped negatively. I don't want to people assuming things about me before they even get to know me. Society sucks in that way. Anyway, I realize I'm probably overthinking things again.

Again, thanks for the responses.

 

[altlover85]

Thanks, I really do appreciate the replies - they were all insightful. I think these are really important points:
-I need to stop caring so much about what other people think of me
-in the same vein, I need to stop over-thinking everything
-if someone dislikes me for who I am/being gay then why would I want to associate with them anyway

I'm very concious of my mannerisms/voice. If I let my guard down I honestly don't know whether I'd come across as camp. I guess I am insecure about that because I feel that guys that are camp do get stereotyped negatively. I don't want to people assuming things about me before they even get to know me. Society sucks in that way. Anyway, I realize I'm probably overthinking things again.

Again, thanks for the responses.

It looks like you know what you need to do. It's just a matter of implementing it. It doesn't happen overnight.

As to this whole let my guard down thing, your voice is your voice. It's not going to change without some serious work.

I don't like my voice, but others do. I learned to just accept it and move on. It takes a lot of energy to worry so much about your voice.

Anyone worth their salt won't give two shits how you sound and/or get over it quickly and get to know you as a person.

I would also work on coming out because once you do, I don't think you'll care about how you sound as much.

 

[Glafna]

I'll just stick with the basics. Be yourself, don't change unless you know it will be for the better, surround yourself with people who accept you, and if they don't accept you, are supportive of your choices in life and won't try to force you to change.

When you do come out, you will feel so much better, a weight will be lifted from your shoulders. But only come out fully when your ready

 

[tipmyscales86]

This is a journal entry I just wrote. It pretty much says what I want to say so I thought I'd just copy and paste it. I'd really appreciate some people reading it and giving me their thoughts on it. The crux of my issues is obviously caring about what ppl/society think about me too much. Anyway, I'd really appreciate some guidance/advice.

"...I really worry about my personality and the way I come across. I guess that's another of my issues and it connects back to being uncomfortable with my sexuality. I always want to be friends with masculine, athletic, (straight) guys beause that's how I view myself or at least how I want to. and I think I can successfully present myself as that ... from afar. once ppl talk to me I worry they're going to sense that perhaps I'm not that and start to question my sexualty - at the very least, they'll pick up on some insincerity and that will deter them. I guess the big problem is that I don't know even know who I am. I have no idea how I'd act if I hadn't grown up worrying about what society thought of me (but then isn't that the case for everyone to some extent?). I assume I'd act more like a stereotypical gay guy but I honestly don't know - the reason I say that is at times when I've let my guard down ppl have picked up the fact that I'm gay. I don't want to be a stereotypial gay guy. I want just want to be a regular, masculine guy who happens to be gay. I have no problem with guys who act more femininely but that's just not how I see myself. I don't want my sexuality to define my personality in that way. but maybe I'm just speaking from a place of insecurity. maybe I'm just trying to please society to fit in and as such make my life easier/less contentious. I don't know!! I don't like how control freaks come across so even though I have control freak tendencies I've trained myself to to suppress them and come across as easy-going because again that's the person I want to be. Is that the same thing? I'm tailor-making my personality so that I am the person I want to be as opposed to the person I naturally am. but maybe society has lead me to believe I want to be a certain way. Is it even possible not to care what society thinks? Am I just full of self-hatred? I'm very confused."

I feel like I know what you are going through. My advice...don't be picky with choosing friends based on what they look like and who they are on the surface. How you feel about yourself is more important than how you look to everybody else. If you hit it off with any person that you feel a sense of trust around, be friends with them.

Everybody has insecurities, including anybody you become friends with. I think by trying to be friends with people you find attractive puts you in a state of mind where you feel you have something to lose, and manifests itself into you putting on an act instead of being yourself, which just spirals into you feeling worse about yourself.

Let that guard down around people you find a comfort level with...and if it comes off as being a "stereotypical gay guy"...so what? You and your friends will have a much better time being yourselves than if you pretend that you are something you are not, or something you wish you were.

 

[pai mei]

pai mei -I'm not out but I also don't go around talking about girls so I'm sure some of the people in my life probably guess that I'm gay. I found '1 girls on 5 gays' on youtube. is that where you're watching it? I'm enjoying it so thanks for the recommendation.

yeah i felt the same way, that it was plainly obvious to everyone that i liked guys too. (of course i still do like girls and have been with girls, so i guess it was harder for them to figure it out) but even still, i thought it was sooo obvious lol. everyone however told that they never woulda guessed it when i told em. well, more or less. it was kindah surprising to me honestly.

anyways, mtv.ca is what i used, i dunno if it's in the states yet though. i know they were planning on bringing the show state-side, but i dunno if it is over there yet. anyways, mtv in canada has all of mtv's shows on their website, just waiting to be streamed, for free!

anyways, i love that show.