Taz
JUB Addict
The last few days have been exhausting for me. I finished my training at work so now I'm a fully independent lifeguard. Which is great, I'm loving my job so far.
I made my first serious rescue yesterday (I've rescued people before, but that was plucking kids of of waist deep water). It all happened in seconds. I was watching over the pool, when out of nowhere this fat bloke starts flailing, he must have been exhausted.
I don't know how much you guys know about drowning, but when you see someone at that stage, you only have seconds before they go under, and then seconds more before they drown.
So I just reacted, I dove straight out of the chair into the pool and rammed through all the slack jawed swimmers, by the time I got to him he had gone under so I had to pull him up and drag him into the shallows. It was so scary seeing him that way, knowing that if I didn't make it he would die. It can't really put it into words.
Anyway after I got him to safety he embarrassedley thanked me and waddled away. and the swimmers all gave me a cheer and clapped. This left me with mixed emotions, I felt great, I just saved someones life Another feeling I can't explain. And at the same time I felt terrified, it would have been so easy for me to not have seen him before he sank.
Afterwards I went back to the staff area and got changed and dry, and some of the other lifeguards invited me to go out on the town with them that night, I agreed, new friends are always great.
But last night made me realise I'm still not comfortable in my own skin. I thought I'd come to terms with being gay, but if I am, then why do I lie about it?
We did a bit of a pub crawl and ended up drunkenly skipping around nightclubs, and so many times the subject of sex and sexuality came up. They made gay jokes and stuff (some of it could be taken offensively, but I could tell it was just in good fun) They would point out chicks, and ask me whether I was an ass or tits man, I even ended up pointing chicks out to them.
It was like after the last few months of coming to terms with who I am, I just reverted straight back into my old act. I lied, I lied to make them think I'm straight, I lied because I didn't want them to know that I'm gay. I feel like I've taken 3 steps back. It would have been so easy for me to say "I'm not into chicks" but I didn't want to. It makes me hate myself. I hate myself, because I obviously can't accept myself.
I'm lying in bed in the middle of the day as I write this. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted, and all I really want is a guy to give me a hug and love me.
I made my first serious rescue yesterday (I've rescued people before, but that was plucking kids of of waist deep water). It all happened in seconds. I was watching over the pool, when out of nowhere this fat bloke starts flailing, he must have been exhausted.
I don't know how much you guys know about drowning, but when you see someone at that stage, you only have seconds before they go under, and then seconds more before they drown.
So I just reacted, I dove straight out of the chair into the pool and rammed through all the slack jawed swimmers, by the time I got to him he had gone under so I had to pull him up and drag him into the shallows. It was so scary seeing him that way, knowing that if I didn't make it he would die. It can't really put it into words.
Anyway after I got him to safety he embarrassedley thanked me and waddled away. and the swimmers all gave me a cheer and clapped. This left me with mixed emotions, I felt great, I just saved someones life Another feeling I can't explain. And at the same time I felt terrified, it would have been so easy for me to not have seen him before he sank.
Afterwards I went back to the staff area and got changed and dry, and some of the other lifeguards invited me to go out on the town with them that night, I agreed, new friends are always great.
But last night made me realise I'm still not comfortable in my own skin. I thought I'd come to terms with being gay, but if I am, then why do I lie about it?
We did a bit of a pub crawl and ended up drunkenly skipping around nightclubs, and so many times the subject of sex and sexuality came up. They made gay jokes and stuff (some of it could be taken offensively, but I could tell it was just in good fun) They would point out chicks, and ask me whether I was an ass or tits man, I even ended up pointing chicks out to them.
It was like after the last few months of coming to terms with who I am, I just reverted straight back into my old act. I lied, I lied to make them think I'm straight, I lied because I didn't want them to know that I'm gay. I feel like I've taken 3 steps back. It would have been so easy for me to say "I'm not into chicks" but I didn't want to. It makes me hate myself. I hate myself, because I obviously can't accept myself.
I'm lying in bed in the middle of the day as I write this. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted, and all I really want is a guy to give me a hug and love me.