Unlovable.

[JarodA]

@bankside - Thanks for that story. I'd say he got very lucky .

@Cragier - Thanks. Will probably be next Friday.

 

[JarodA]

Went CD shopping with a coursemate on Saturday, it was nice. We're gonna go again at some stage. He's a good dude . Also picked up the # of my workmate so we can organize the drinking thing later. It didn't happen the past week, but I have his number now. We can organize. So two new numbers in my phone which is quite amazing for me TBH.

I really was feeling as bad as I described in the OP at the time but am starting to realize it was a little unfounded to be feeling THAT bad. Nobody is 'unlovable' if they're not an awful bastard, and I'm not thankfully . I mean, some guys like me are more shy than others and have to look a little harder for guys that they feel want to hang out with them, but hey, doesn't mean they don't exist. I've pretty much gone from nothing to hanging out with a guy and should be hanging out with another soon. A pretty good start to 'my' new year since I turned 23 on the last day of April .

I've also come a way in not feeling as bad about Mother Nature's treatment of me (like height and stuff ). My diet's going alright despite some slipups along the way so I'm working on the things that can be worked on at least. I actually was very close to purchasing elevator shoes last week (I'd even put money aside especially) but then after a bit of reflection I realized that it would look desperate to others etc. and would never be a secret I could keep, so have decided to just accept those things that can't be changed naturally . Just under 5'7" isn't so terrible I guess...and now I have money that can be saved up for something more worthwhile .

 

[Craiger]

Well, Happy Belated Birthday, JarodA. Glad to hear you have progressed in the "hanging out department", but that's just a start. I laughed when you said you thought of buying elevator shoes.... I bought a pair that increased my height about 2 inches. They were just for fun and really felt different. So that put me in you height range...it was a good laugh from my family and friends. There is nothing wrong with being shorter than those tall drinks of water...Remember the old saying, "Dynamite comes in small packages." Keep us updated.

Craiger

 

[JarodA]

Well, Happy Belated Birthday, JarodA. Glad to hear you have progressed in the "hanging out department", but that's just a start. I laughed when you said you thought of buying elevator shoes.... I bought a pair that increased my height about 2 inches. They were just for fun and really felt different. So that put me in you height range...it was a good laugh from my family and friends. There is nothing wrong with being shorter than those tall drinks of water...Remember the old saying, "Dynamite comes in small packages." Keep us updated.

Craiger

1) Tell me about it .

2) I agree. Well, trying to anyway. I've actually read a lot of stuff on the net lately that tall gay guys actually prefer their men shorter. Well, I like taller men obviously so bring it on. Although like four of the hottest guys I've known of from recent years have been on the shorter side...so I'm not too fussy...at least I don't think.

Wont go drinking with workmate yet after all. Got an assignment due Friday morning, and some workmates are planning Thursday night drinks . Oh well . I would've liked to drink at his house just us two, 'cause it was really just him I wanted to hang out with, drinking at clubs is expensive etc. But then, whoa, hold up, we're probably not at that stage yet. We're just workmates who get along pretty well. I shouldn't come over so eager, it'll look weird. If we get along well outside of work, maybe we'll have 'overnight' drinks. But why rush? Must play it cooler . I really should've thought more carefully before suggesting we drink at his place (he's not even gay, though he doesn't know I am either ). The thought of scaring him well off at this early stage is rather horrifying . I doubt I have though, but lucky I've caught myself in time or I might've .

There's an old family friend around my age I've not seen/talked to for aaaages. Maybe I could ask if he wants to catch up and drink one night over the weekend. That would be good. See, people like that have always been around, and here I was feeling so lonely. Looking back it seems a bit silly .

 

[Craiger]

Not silly. You were just going through a rough spot. But things are sounding a lot better. Keep it up. Check in with the family friend. Just go out and enjoy yourself. As far as the workmate, you don't know whether he is gay or straight, but that can be decided after you get to know him better. Good to hear that you are feeling more upbeat. Also, tall or short, makes no difference if the chemistry is right.

Craiger

 

[JarodA]

Went for drinks at a pool and darts bar tonight with my workmate and his friend finally, and a few other workmates came along too. It was fun. I won both the darts and pool games I played , stayed for about two and a half hours. I liked the venue very much - it was small, the music was always good and was a good volume, but not too loud (so you could still talk to others without too much effort etc.)

I talked with my workmates' friend and in terms of musical and video-game taste we're on a similar wavelength. I finally hung out with a couple of workmates outside of work etc. A good night out overall .

A long way to go but it's a good start .

Didn't even care TOO much that the room was full of quite tall dudes and I was the shortest in the room .

 

[Craiger]

Remember, you can always play the "Little Brother" gig..... Also remember, tall guys have inferiority problems just like us small guys. Best to forget about heights and zero in on personalities, looks, and whatever else floats your boat. Good to hear it was a successful night. Plan many more soon. Let us know.

Craiger

 

[JarodA]

OK, I feel such a thread needs an update after a while, it's been just over a year since my last post in it. There's been some good and some bad. Beware, long post ahead.

1) Happy to report the Napoleon Complex phase is over, and thank God. I look back on that time now and am like 'man that was embarrassing'. I've focused my efforts into losing excess weight instead (ie. shit I can control about my body) and it's working. I'm not sure how much I've lost exactly because for the first while I didn't use any scales and just went by what I knew to work in the past. Well, nothing changed, it still works the same way.

I vividly remember sitting at a kitchen table at a friend's place (more on that topic later) on NYE and there being zero room in my jeans. Now, there is noticeable room . I can see the difference myself, but I think until other people will notice a difference will take a while. I think in time though, I'll be able to get the body I've always wanted but fell off the dieting wagon before I could get there. I've been rather good, proud of myself for this.

2) Hanging out with the guys at pool each Thursday has remained an almost weekly endeavour. I am more comfortable around them than I used to be. I can usually just speak my mind/freely now. On that note, I realized lately that fearing what others think is the root to tons of my problems. There were a lot of 'symptoms' that I thought were individual problems, but were just symptoms of one big one. I'm making progress. Even playing my music in public in the car and making certain purchases at shops (I bought Magic Mike on blu-ray recently, and it took me like 20 minutes to finally go up to the counter with it, and of course the guy couldn't care less ) and little shit like that can be a battle, but I'm working on it, and it's getting better. It only took me like 2 minutes to make another purchase today which I was at first feeling similar about .

Anyway, the guys. OK, they're not exactly close friends, but I can talk with them, I have a circle I'm hanging out with regularly, it's OK.

3) Sadly something really painful yet perhaps necessary as a learning curve recently happened - in February this year, after having planned it for a couple of months, I left my Mother's house for the first time. Go me! Left to live with a former workmate/friend and his GF (yeah yeah, instant warning sirens ). Should've seen the signs rather early on that I wouldn't be able to stay with this girl for too long - once the honeymoon was over (as we were all first time home-leavers) she had such a cold personality, was rude in telling me to do things, double-standards, the lot. In fact, subconsciously I knew I wouldn't be there long I think, but I was thinking more like a year - not a mere three months . Anyway, things were fine for the first month and a bit, but looking back I overlooked a lot. I won't say everything this bitch did, but I was determinedly the better person no matter how hard it was. I eventually got to leave after the most stressful period so far of my life, and now am back at my Mum's, still with lingering anger that my independence, the life I'd started to live in away from my Mum's was stolen from me by one awful person. But now I'm OK.

The painful thing was not only having to take a step backwards in life and go back to Mother's, but also learning some of the problems this girl had with me (all of which I tried to make better at the time - at least the ones I knew about) that were legitimate (although her determination to hate me and refusal to accept apology was certainly not ):

I stare - it's a bad habit, I didn't even know I did it. Nobody in my life has ever told me so. My guy flatmate/friend told me one night and I was horrified. So I've been trying to stop doing it, it's a battle, and I hate that I do it and would hate others doing it to me, but I only consider myself partially responsible considering not a single Goddamn person until I was almost 24 years old ever told me that I did it .

I also apparently roll my eyes a lot (in fact, I have been told about this one prior), but although I've changed a lot of habits in my life and will continue to do so, this one is so involuntary I don't know where to begin focusing on not doing that all day long. Staring so far is much easier to keep an eye on. When I roll my eyes, an active thought (one I don't like obviously) has overtaken my mind completely, so it's really gonna be an uphill battle, this one.

And for the first time, I've started trimming on a regular basis my pit hairs. Another thing I'd neglected was just how much I could stink after a long evening at work and I think it will really help. I can already tell since I've been doing it that deodorant lasts a lot longer.

I don't consider this the same as caring what others think, well in a way it is, but in a good way this time. All these 'weirdnesses' about me which are apparently off-putting to people do not I believe reflect my inside and what I wish to project to others so that's why I want to change those. I actually believe I am a really nice and decent guy underneath, so only wish in a perfect world that my outside showed this as much as what was hidden.

4) Looking at other things in the OP (bear with me, some of these sound a little trivial ):

- I was wrong about my dick I think - it's not really what anyone would call big, but it's nothing to be ashamed of neither, and I think when I lose even more weight I'll feel more confident in it. After all, scale is everything . And I've still got plenty of pubic fat.

- I'm over the voice thing. Yeah, my voice is not a fave thing about myself and I'll never feel totally good about it, but nobody's actually pulled me up on it (not since high-school). It could be another case of people being too shy or two-faced to let me know shit (as in the staring) but eh, although it may sound better to my ears to do it, it's not good to be fake, and with putting so much effort now into many things, I simply really cannot be bothered making a constant effort to artificially deepen my voice. I'll just have to grin and bear it in future when I hear myself on camera or whatever

- I don't think I walk funny actually. My soles pretty much wear out in the middle as they should. I used to walk funny with my shoes wearing down on one side only, but over the years I've corrected that (yeah, another thing I've had to correct ). I'm not sure what I was thinking exactly when I wrote that in the OP.

Oh and I've not been laid, nor looked for it, so that's good by me . Closest I got was at one of Mum's drunk parties at home before I went flatting (there's another story there, but I won't get into), I 'successfully' came onto a straight guy, got so far as to kiss him and feel his dick in his pants, but in the end he was too drunk to do anything and soon after simply passed out .

But being honest with myself I don't even really think about sex. It's not that I don't want to have it, but I already know that some casual encounter will not be satisfying to me. I think for me sex is an intimate relationship thing. Some can separate them and good for them. I may learn in the future to, but for now it's not me .

Alright thanks guys (extra big thanks to anyone who doesn't give up halfway through here ), that's all the update.

 

[72-Jay]

OK, I feel such a thread needs an update after a while, it's been just over a year since my last post in it. There's been some good and some bad. Beware, long post ahead.
<...>
Alright thanks guys (extra big thanks to anyone who doesn't give up halfway through here ), that's all the update.

Read the whole thing, and for the most part good to read...Glad to hear things are looking better for you.

 

[Craiger]

JarodA, great to hear your update. Ups and downs are what life is all about. Some things we can control, but others need hard work to accomplish. From what I read, you have accomplished quite a bit and that is in the positive sense. What would be nice is if you were to try the independent life again. It may take a bit to save financially for it, but I think you would be much happier. In doing so, look for just one person to share with, but as with any relationship, whether romantic or just roommates, learn to communicate together. There are things to learn about each other that will make it much easier to share a living space.

About your weight situation, set goals for yourself, but realize that sometimes we do step backwards and then have to make that start again. That also is a part of life's ups and downs. Think about a gym or training that can help you set those goals.

Your socializing has certainly seen a positive growth. I'm happy to hear that you have been hanging with friends and participating in activities with them. Don't worry so much about the mannerisms you have like rolling your eyes. Everyone has individual mannerisms that make the person they are. Watch some of your friends and you will spot certain things they do as part of their expressions and personalities. I'm also sure people see your "inside person" more than you think. You obviously have qualities that they like or you wouldn't be spending time with them. And that is true about the people you have chosen to hang with.

All in all, it's so good to hear your progress. Just keep up the positive thinking and things will be fine. My best to you.

Craiger

 

[JarodA]

^ Saving as we speak, it'll take some time. This time I'd like to find a place on my own though if I can.

 

[Craiger]

Sounds great, however, to help with your socialization seriously think about just one roommate. Don't go for just anyone, have coffee or lunch a couple of times just to get the feel of who they are and let them know about you. Remember, communication is what keeps friendships and roommate together. It may take a while, but before you know it the money will be there and off you go. Start looking around and gauge what rents are like and areas that you would like to live. This will help keep the goal moving ahead. Let us know, JarodA.

Craiger

 

[bankside]

Alright thanks guys (extra big thanks to anyone who doesn't give up halfway through here ), that's all the update.

I think it is great you're figuring out what other people have a right to care about (hygiene and staring) and what they don't (purchases you make of the exact same things they are trying to sell you).

And I think it's great you're making efforts at self improvement, health & wellness and all that. And I think it is great that you're seeing past setbacks to keep pursuing your goals.

I hope you can breathe a sigh of relief, because I'm convinced those are all the things anyone should do to build a future they'll enjoy.

 

[JarodA]

Sounds great, however, to help with your socialization seriously think about just one roommate. Don't go for just anyone, have coffee or lunch a couple of times just to get the feel of who they are and let them know about you. Remember, communication is what keeps friendships and roommate together. It may take a while, but before you know it the money will be there and off you go. Start looking around and gauge what rents are like and areas that you would like to live. This will help keep the goal moving ahead. Let us know, JarodA.

Craiger

I see your point but I don't know...I've never lived alone, I'd like not to answer to anyone, etc. but it's a long way off to think of that anyway.

Thanks to all who've replied!