Unwanted Thoughts

[BiBlackMan]

Okay, so there's certainly not a new story here: 47-year old bi-married male in love with my married str8 best friend. It's been a real emotional struggle to cope with these feelings and it genuinely hurts me. Recently, in addition to having emotional, romantic feelings for him I can't seem to stop thinking about sexual acts with him. Lately, a "good" day for me is when I'm able to limit my thoughts to wanting to suck him off and taste his cum. The more disturbing days include constant thoughts about wanting him to fuck me and cum inside me. I guess the common theme is that I want to have an intimate, private part of him and share something special with him.

I talked to my therapist about this and he was somewhat helpful. However, he can't truly relate. I think you guys here can relate, at least to some degree. Can anyone please offer some advice or insight on how to deal with these thoughts and think more healthily about my friend?

I know there will be some guys that will read this and think I'm nuts and should just get over it. Maybe that's true, but please don't flame me.

 

[G-Lexington]

The two things - "thinking more healthy thoughts about your friend" and "getting over it" - are actually two ways of saying the same thing.

How do you do it? There's only three ways to get over a straight crush. None of them easy, none of them quick.

1. Time
2. Distance
3. Refocusing

#1 will take care of itself. Right now, it's #2 you need to work on. Try not to spend that much time with him, or keep it to group activities. Don't grow cold towards him, and feel free to be chatty online or on the phone. But give yourself some space to work on moving on.

#3 will be tough for you. Ordinarily, it involves finding a guy you CAN have sex with, and CAN have a relationship with. But I'm assuming that's not happening so long as you're married. Does your wife know you're bisexual?

Lex

 

[BiBlackMan]

Does your wife know you're bisexual?

No, she does not know. I've had sex with guys (safe only), but have never been in a "relationship" with a man.

 

[G-Lexington]

Keep working on refocusing. Because that guy you've got a crush on?

He doesn't exist.

Oh, your friend exists. But not in the form you're crushing on. He'll be your friend, but he won't be your boyfriend, or top you, or probably let you suck him off. You may as well wish he were uber-rich or could fly. Try to keep this in mind. It's tough (I've been there), but keep at it.

Lex

 

[Lube]

It sounds like you're longing for an emotional relationship with a guy. How long have you been married? Are you happy?

 

[Ohiospeedo]

No, she does not know. I've had sex with guys (safe only), but have never been in a "relationship" with a man.

Not trying to flame you and just trying to understand your situation. So you are married to your wife and cheating on her with other men? No offense but how would you feel if your wife was out behind your back cheating.

Getting past that...Nothing will ever happen with the straight friend. Just continue to have a fanatsy jerk off session, and realize no matter what you try to do, you will not be able to get this man into bed. Just a reality check.

 

[BiBlackMan]

It sounds like you're longing for an emotional relationship with a guy. How long have you been married? Are you happy?

I've been married 22 years and not very happy. I love my wife, but feel as if I'm no longer in love with her. There is a difference. I've been unsure about my sexuality since before we got married.

 

[BiBlackMan]

If you need to talk this out, we're here for you. Stay strong.

Thank you, skittles. That's very good advice and it helps to know that many here have gone through the same thing and lived through it.

 

[TX-Beau]

I've been married 22 years and not very happy. I love my wife, but feel as if I'm no longer in love with her. There is a difference. I've been unsure about my sexuality since before we got married.

You really need to tell her this. If you're not in love with her anymore, all you're doing is stealing time from her. Time she could use to find a guy who does love her.

I have to say that if you're already cheating on her, you need to seriously think about your personal situation and resolve that before you start thinking about guys and relations and relations with guys. It's not fair to your wife, leading her to think that there is no problem, she has a right to know, and you made a commitment to her, if you can't keep it any longer, she deserves to know that.

 

[spencer]

The only way i've kept feelings for my straight friend at bay is by being intersted with available gay guys.

 

[stiletto]

You really can't force these sorts of things away, one's subconscious can have this way of being so cleverly self-defeating, resulting in what is basically an exercise in self frustration.

The only way you can 'force' it away is by sublimating the feelings into other kinds of feelings... say, resentment or hatred or something. But considering that that's really not the most healthy approach, and also that he's your friend, that likely isn't much of an option at all.

You have to let them go away on their own. Any pressure you put on them will result in added force when you finally let your guard down, and they emerge to the surface. It's sort of like compressing a gas, eventually the containment will break and you'll spring a leak, and when that happens it will be explosive.

As others have said, time apart and space are likely to be the balm that heals. Displace him from your life, at least for a month or two.

 

[Captain53]

I've been married 22 years and not very happy. I love my wife, but feel as if I'm no longer in love with her. There is a difference. I've been unsure about my sexuality since before we got married.

Hey dude,

Marriage wise I was in the same situation. My marriage lasted 30 yrs, and probably should have lasted 25. All during that time I would have fantasies about sex with other men - luckily none of them were friends. It is a tough row to hoe, I know. I have just today had my first gay sex experience in over 15 years. I was free to do this and while I did not achieve orgasm (nerves?), it was wonderful. I, too loved my wife but was no longer in love with her. And I think it was the same with her.
We parted friends. She has gone on to live her life and I am now starting to go on to live mine.

It is a tough decision you have to make, and tougher if there are children involved. That is one thing that kept me in my marriage for so long. Since I lived the life you did it may not be fair for me to tell you to choose. But, you may save yourself several more years of longing without being able to act on it

Hope that made sense.

 

[Lube]

What Captain53 said.

There's another thread here from NotSoStraightGuy or something like that. Read that thread and see how close it is (or isn't) to your situation. Many of us here have been through that. Maybe you can relate to his experiences.

Before really addressing this immediate issue of crushing on a straight friend, you have to look at the big picture and get your life in order. This crush phase seems to be the thing that causes many married straight/bi men to get a divorce and move on with their bi/gay side.

It's only fair to the women involved.