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update: comming out to my father

This is a really complicated situation Jason. Your father is dangerous and likely to react badly to you confirming to him that you're gay and your mother is withdrawing from you at a time when you need her. And then there's your siblings who are going to get caught in the crosshairs.

I'm worried about you telling your father without someone else there to intervene. I agree he needs to know. But I think you've had enough violence in your life. Is there no one else that can be there for you?

You've had a really rough life Jason. This isn't what most of us go through. We deal with the harrassment at school and alienation of friends and family. But getting beat up is way over the line. I hope you can see that.

However you deal with this is the right way. I don't think anyone here is qualified to tell you what to do. Good luck! (*8*)
 
Hey Jason,

I'm really sorry that I've come into this late... and I've just read through the other thread...

Mate... you should feel proud. Proud of who you are. Proud of the person that you have become despite the odds and what life has thrown at you. Proud of the guy who posts regularly, whos popular, caring, compassionate. Proud of the guy that contributes... the guy that fits in so easily and makes friends so quickly. The number of posts you've made in such a short time...the number of obvious friends you have here is a testament to the qualities that you have developed and possess.

Jason... you need to know that you're an inspiration. The strength and courage that you've shown...to come out, to be open and honest about who you are, given the background and possible consequences is a credit to you. Your life has been influenced by those who have treated you badly, whos job was to protect and nurture you, not reject and shame you. You have been shown how not to care, how not to love and yet you have found an inner strength powerful enough to do both. To overcome all the wrongs that you've been exposed to.

The person you have become is in spite of your past not because of it. You have risen above the influences that should have torn you down. I'm not suggesting that you're perfect... and I'm sure that you had the support of some of your family...but Jason you have made choices and decisions that stand you apart from those around you. Take strength and comfort from what you have achieved so far in your life.

And so to the situation you find yourself in now with your Dad. Its easy to sit here and tell you what to do and how you should do it. For you its so much harder. Right now you are torn... torn between the love and acceptance that you've craved from him... and the fear of his reaction to you being gay. And to make it worse hes started treating you as an equal and being the father he should have always been.

Jason, your Dad is human. Its so hard to accept sometimes that our parents are people too...they're meant to be the providers of all knowledge and truth. We have a built in need to respect and believe in what they say and do...for so long we blindly believe in everything that they say... But they can be wrong too. And the day that you start to look at your parents especially, your Dad, as people is the day you learn that its ok to disagree. To say that you're wrong. To say that you're more than what he thinks you are. To say that you deserve better. To say that you're proud of who you am. You have earned that right... it yours and you deserve no less.

The decision to face your father and tell him who you are is the right one. It will be hard and its one that has risks. But mate it also has rewards. For you especially and possibly even for him.

For you its about breaking the final shackle of a life that brings you fear and makes you less than who you are. Its about proving just how strong courageous and powerful you have become. Its about saying that you respect and care for others but you also care and respect yourself. Its about being proud of who you are. Its about being open honest and fulfilling your potential and promise that seems unlimited.

Its a chance to stand up and be counted. Its ok to feel scared...its ok to have fear. Thats normal...and thats what makes this so important for you.

For him its a chance to stand in awe. To see that strength in you that he hasn't broken. Sure he might fit and rage. He might walk away. But he wont have won, he wont have broken you. Heres his chance to finally be confronted with a truth that you suspects he knows and his chance to be a real man... a real father in his reactions. Its his chance to face his own fears and his own ignorance.

Because Jason ultimately this is about him, not you. You have done nothing wrong. You are not the guilty party here nor should you have ever been made to feel that way. You can do no more than be truthful and respectful. Its more than most will do in their lives. Its the right thing to do...the courageous thing to do.

The worst case mate is...like you say...he walks away. You know thats a possibility... but then thats never definite either. The best case is... he's shocked - dumbfounded that you stood up. I dont expect that he'll run and hug you given your past, but if hes got any sense then somewhere in him will be a little bit of admiration for your courage. Even if he never admits it.

No matter the outcome Jason... you should feel proud. You should look back on this as the final test in this part of your life and know that you did all you could do. You passed it with flying colors. And I know that in time your mom will see that too.

Do it, get it over with, and get on with living the life you deserve. Find that happiness and freedom that you've earned and thats your right. You dont need to waste any more time or emotion in being held back by a section of your past thats better put out of your life.

Your new beginning with or without your father is in your hands. And I know that you'll make the most of it.
 
JASON0980 said:
my mom is not okay with this. she is really pissed because i am talking to him. she expects me to hide, to be affraid of him. and i have realized he is just a man. just like everyone else. i cannot treat him like a god. i can't spend the rest of my life afraid of him.
Click to expand...

Those words are pretty damn encouraging. I know someone who went through a childhood with an abusive parent, I have an idea how tough it can be for someone to come to that realization and face the man that continuously put them in the hospital.

Good luck, and despite your past I hope you can gain the father you never had permanently... you are making the right decision no matter how he takes it.
 
Jason,

I too am sorry I came late into this thread, and so many have responded that I don't have much else to add because a lot of what has been said I would have said too. But in my own words, I have to say that I commend your decision to come clean. A year ago, I would have perhaps encouraged you to continue the charade, but now - I would have to ask you to place honesty with yourself at the top of the list.

You envision losing your father after coming out to him. It may not turn out to be that way, and there's also the chance it could. He WILL need time and you need to give that to him. And if he cannot bring himself to love you or be proud to consider you his son any longer after that, be done with him.

Also, you're 26 - don't you think it is time to cut the apron strings? It's time to say "FUCK, I'm gay - and if you have a problem with that, deal with it". Only embrace the people in your life that will not consider this a big deal, even if it means excluding family that reject you. Your happiness in this lifetime is what matters. You're only wasting time trying to please people into believing lies about you.

I am eagerly awaiting to hear what happens ... Good luck man (*8*)
 
wow. this thread seems like it was forever ago. reading it again brought tears to my eyes. i have to say thank you to every one who came in here. you all have made good points.

coming out to my dad is a battle i have been in for years. i have always been conflicted. i am very proud of the way i live my life in most respects. i live totaly out. every one knows that i am gay. i am not ashamed of it. so when it comes to my father, not being myself has always bothered me. being out of the closet has never been easy in williamsburg ohio. i have had death threats, thigs thrown from car windows, there was even a guy that tried to run me down in his pick up truck. yet i have never backed down from any of it. until my father comes into the picture. it has never been for my personal safety that i hide from him.

no i haven't told him. i have come to the realization that i don't have to. now before any of you think i have chickened out, just keep reading.

not long after i posted this thread (hell it may have been shortly before i posted it, i can't remember) a new guy started working at the gas station with me. this guy has lived in williamsburg his entire life. he is very obviously gay, and the same age as my father. when my father realized that he was working with me he told me a story, he has told me this same story over and over now. one night my father was in the bar here in town, and the guy that works with me now came in. he wasn't there long before a few guys at the bar started a fight with him. it was 3 to one and he was about to get his ass beat pretty bad. my dad decided to jump in. so there was my dad and the guy from my work fighting three guys. he knew why they didn't like him, but it didn't matter at that moment. he knew that it was wrong to beat the hell out of some one for being different.

when my dad tells me this story he tells it with passion. he tells it with pride. i believe he tells me this story, because he already knows that i have this in common with the guy from work. and he wants me to know that he will be there if shit hits the fan.

we will never be the normal father son pair. we will never go out and get drunk together, or sit back and shoot the breeze about dates we have been on, or sports teams any of that. but as it stands we are ok. i know that he is there for me now and he knows that i am finally happy with who i am. for us thats the best that could ever be hoped for and i am happy knowing that i don't have to pretend i can just bne me and it be no big deal.

so thank you all again for all of the amazing support you guys have given me. i am proud to be here among such amazing people.
 
Jason, you sound like you're in a good spot with your father now. Some families would rather not talk about things up front, but it sounds like he knows and understands. So I think you're right to just go with that instead of pushing him outside his comfort zone. Way to go. ..|

Lex
 
Sounds like you're coming along fine, Jason. Thanks for sharing that story and the update with us.

I support you no matter what path you take. (*8*)
 
Glad to hear things are going good for you! Wow....don't you just love it when people do things you never expected them to do. That was so cool of your Dad to just step in there like that. I don't think I have anybody that would do that for me!
 
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