Urge to tell but not ready to tell!

[Kaguli]

Hey everyone i'm kind of new to this but i'm in dire need of some advice.

The story goes that i just came out of the depression stage and i've finally accepted who i am and i recently started college and made new friends (feels wrong having to lie all the time to them). I keep getting the urge to tell them that i'm gay cause we have these conversations like "what type of girls do you like?" and "Whoa! check her out", i feel like i should just tell them but something keeps holding me back; maybe subconciously i'm not ready to come out.

A few of my friends are getting a slight inkling that i am or might be gay.. so i should tell them. But i get the feeling that it's somehow gonna spread and reach my family which is not what i want due to the fact that they're the type that will cut off all connection with me if they found out (so i wanna finish my studies first before i tell them).

I'm absolutly confused about what to do, please any advice will be much appreciated.

 

[lunarus]

Hello Kaguli and welcome to JUB.

First you need to come out when you feel comfortable with your friends. I would hope Europe would be a wee bit more progressive when it comes to my GLBT brethren.

As for your family, what makes you think they would cut you off completely? Comments, their actions? Does your family know any gay people? Do you have a close relationship with your family? Why and how do you think it would spread from your friends at UNI to home? Is it a small town thing?

I know this isn't helping much, just trying to get more inf here.

But above all else I am glad you are accepting yourself.

 

[Kaguli]

Ah sorry about the lack of info there, well my parents are extremly reglious and tolerate no exceptions from the norm, when i told them that i messed up one year of my studies they were at the verge of kicking me out the house, they said "you bring shame to us, what am i supposed to tell everyone?", we even had a discussion about gays once and they talk about us as if were criminals.
*Yes i still live with my parents.

As to the how they will find out part, well a few of my college mates work at the same store as me, and my mums best friend works there too (they tell each other everything, it's kinda embarassing) so she would end up telling my family that im gay. So i dont want to tell them till i finish my education and can live out on my own with a good job.

And if i come out to my friends but also tell them to keep it a secret, it will seem awkward and also be fustrating at times.

P.S. I have 3 years of my education left.

 

[lunarus]

Wow I am sorry to hear that about your family. It would seem you are truly between a rock and a hard place. If you still depend on them for school and such you will probably have to wait until you are free from the home place before you can truly be free.

 

[Kaguli]

Yeah i guess im truly bumed*. Thanks for hearing me out, i guess i feel a little at ease now that i atleast got it off my chest.


*no pun intended.

 

[lunarus]

I'm sorry. I didn't want to sound dismissive of your dilemma. It is just hard to tell you what someone how to proceed when it comes family, especially when they are overtly religious.

Just know we are here for you to vent.

My hope for you is your family wakes up and sees they have a wonderful son and not judge him according to their messed up beliefs.

Namaste

 

[Kaguli]

Thanks guys for that, hope to see more of you soon.

 

[IHeartMarco]

You should never come out unless you know you are completely ready. It takes time, I know, but you'll know when you're ready. Good luck!

 

[thewiz]

In some ways I've come the same route as you; depressed with what I might be until I finally admitted it and now feel like an 800 pound gorilla was lifted from my back!

That said, you are also in a difficult spot. You don't want to cause problems in your family and school life yet you are finally comfortable with who you are.

I guess I would just say that when I was living as a married, heterosexual male, I didn't go around talking about fucking my wife or our sex life or anything else. I don't do that in my gay life either (except to a best friend perhaps). It is no ones business what I do in the bedroom or with whom I am doing it in the bedroom. I felt the same way with a woman; I am not about to change now. It's not that I'm ashamed -- it's just no ones business.

I also don't want to be known as Gay Tom who did this or that. I want to be known as Tom, who happens to be gay, did this or that. I have met to many guys that think they have to start out and focus on being gay or else they aren't being true.

If it were me, I would just say that "I'm not dating anyone right now" and "my studies are what I'm concentrating on and I don't have time for other things." If they continue to press on what you like, you can always be vague and talk about "someone you can talk to, etc." Those descriptives work for both men and women and you aren't lying; it's just really no one's nosey business unless you want to tell them.

I hope it works out with your parents; I was fortunate that my kids accepted me for who and what I am and always was and we are closer today in many ways than before. I just hope your parents can come to see you for the beautiful person you are since they made you in the first place!

 

[GBirdie]

Well, the only advice I can give you is... maybe you should get to know some of your friends better, and at least find one that you can truly trust, a close one. He/she would be the best person to come out to first.... And if he/she is truly a friend of yours, they'll accept you no matter what.

As for your parents, I'm not quite sure about them, but I don't think I'd be telling them if I were you, or either anyone that could, tell my parents. I'd personally stay away from those.

 

[maxpowr9]

well welcome first of all.

Ill share how I deal with it and maybe ur the same. With me, I dont let my homosexuality be the big thing to talk about. Most of my friends like me for who I am (gay being one of the many attributes). If your "friends" have a problem with homosexuality, its not good to be around them.

I know right now, I'm stuck in a tough place as well. One of my very good friends is a hardcore Christian but admits he's pretty open idea wise. I haven't told him officially that I'm gay but I think he can tell I am. He is the only one of my friends that I have not directly told yet. W/E though.