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Using my last nerve to lace my boots

Thanks Seasoned, I've read a bit about alcoholism and now that you mentioned codependency I will focus more on that. I also looked up a local Al anon meeting and got as far as sitting in the parking lot watching people walk in until my own insecurities took over.
 
I guess it's time for a bit of an update. So after doing some research I put into action a plan of "loving detachment." I made a promise to myself that I would stop trying to fix my wife's problems. I have enough of my own dealing with the kids, work, and the house. I can tell that it is taking it's toll on my wife. Although she is going to work every day and has not used alcohol, as far as I know; she has fallen into a habit of sleeping or confining herself in our bedroom when she is at home. I fear that she is falling into a more depressed state.

She also has a habit of calling me when she's at work and giving me an earful about all these things she wants to accomplish but rarely follows through on them. The worst is when she does this with the kids. In the past I've had to be there holding her hand or completely take care of it so my kids didn't feel like they were lied to. I've talked to her numerous times how it's inappropriate but it never seems to completely sink in. Now that I've been implementing my "plan" I feel really bad that my kids are going to have to learn this hard lesson.

Financially, we are slowly clawing our way from the bottom of the hole but it will be a long drawn out lesson that I hope we both will remember. That's my life right now... some days are better than others but at least I have a plan that will hopefully work for the long haul.
 
So I've been having a series of rough days and slipped into a depressed mood of late. I spent much of yesterday laying around, mostly in bed, thinking about stuff. The interesting part was I had thought to myself I never dream or more likely never remember my dreams once I'm awake. But this morning I had a very vivid dream that I'm going to record here for posterity and I think some may enjoy it. I'm not the best story teller so you may have to bear with me...

~~~~~

It started with me walking through my parents house and there seemed to be a gathering of people because I could hear voices and music playing. Soft music, something one would hear in an elevator or developing more into the glossy tones of slow jazz. It was surreal and I walked / glided through the rooms and hallways. I didn't talk to anyone and no one seemed to notice my presence. I came to stand in my glassed in porch with its large windows over looking a pasture of tall green grass that gently swayed in the warm summer breeze. On the burgundy painted concrete floor were half a dozen blue and red play mats. I remember they were red side down because the two different reds clashed completely and they were weighted down almost smashing the red part out of sight. Surely, if someone would try to pick one up or move them they would make that strangely enjoyable sound of humid sticky dried paint.

The best part of this room was what was weighing down the mats. Each mat had a beautiful male specimen differing in build, eye color, hair color, ethnicity, and state of arousal. The men all sat on their knees pleasantly smiling as I slowly walked from one end to the other admiring the different shapes of their human forms. I reached the far end and stopped short in front of one particularly pleasant form. I held my breath as my eyes ran over his creamy tanned skin. I remember he had dusty brown hair, dark liquid golden eyes with green flecks, and his face showed his European desent in his high cheek bones, strong jawline, and pouty but masculine red lips. He was the only one not smiling and gave off a haughty attitude. I dare say he could have been a Bel Ami model. I felt a strange connection to him as we looked each other over.

The scene darkens like a heavy eye lid closing and opening to me leading him into my old room and onto a low formed king bed. Beyond the bed there are no walls to speak of, yet there is some unseen barrier that keeps us from being disturbed. I know there are other people milling around the house but my complete attention was then turned to the warm soft skin pressing slowly down against my complete nakedness and the sweet taste of his lips. I enjoyed the weight of his body ontop of me and the pleasures of gliding my fingertips through his hair down the nape of his neck between his shoulder blades and lower back then faintly across his bare bottom to which added a slight shiver to his grinding hips. I relished in our too few minutes of snogging until with the swiftness of a cheetah he pivoted on one knee and swung his body a 180°.

My heart pounded as he lowered his proud manhood against my face. I remember the smell of soap mingled with pre-cum. I opened my mouth to receive him and ran my tongue over his tip. The saltiness enflamed my taste buds and sent sparks up to my brain. Deeper into my mouth until my uvula was pushed aside and his gland inched down my throat. What a strange and surprisingly pleasant feeling. A feeling of complete surrender and trust. He had sufficent length to reach my Adam's apple and his girth was enough to make me concentrate on relaxing my throat muscles. One of my favorite sensations was his silky smooth balls resting over my eyes, then sliding down the ridge of my nose to my upper lip. If I had the talent I would want him to stuff his fleshy bag into my mouth too but I couldn't accommodate him. So I instead settled on using my nose to gently nudge his sack and prenium which made my throat work his shaft.

Between my legs I could feel him lovingly taking me into his mouth. The sensations of his tongue lapping my balls and leaving a trail of saliva in his wake drove me to madness. As swiftly as his crotch had appeared in my face he was gone only to appear laying pressed against me head to head. His member snuggled into the crease of my thigh and mine in his. Together we lurched and jostled moaning into each others mouths. I tried to breath him into me, steal his essence from his mouth but only received his tongue exploring, fighting my own for dominance. I remember wanting him inside me, for him to take my innocence. It wouldn't be pain like before it would only be rapture. Suddenly, his aggressiveness was abandoned and he slinked purring to my side resting his head into the crook of my neck. My head was a buzz of muffled voices and my hand absent mindedly played with the slickness on my thigh. I remember taking one large white mass and rolling it between my thumb and index finger when the words rang through. "I love you! I don't want to leave here."

I knew that wasn't going to be a possibility. This wasn't even my house! Or he may have been referring to this dream state. I curled my arms around him to hold him tighter against me. To my surprise he felt some how smaller in my arms. His eyes filled with tears from a deep ocean of emotion. I wanted only to make his wish my life long ambition. I held tight but it was though he was slipping between my fingers. So it came to the point where my arms were almost empty. Instead of the gorgeous man in my arms clinging to my body was a strange withered skinned lizard looking thing. He was different shades of green with a long cylindrical body. His skin was warm to the touch and had the scaly repulsion I get with reptiles, but I knew he wasn't something to fear. I ran my hands down his long body trying to covey comfort and support.

I had some innate sense that this person had been cruelly misunderstood and the withered form before me was the result. Sitting there looking into those sweet innocent eyes, the eyes I knew I loved, I resolved to return him to his genuine form. I willed myself to stand and before my sheet crumpled bed stood fully clothed in my finest and tightest pin stripped suit. I liked this suit the most. I filled it out nicely in all the right places; it definitely gave me a sense of power. The power I'd need to complete my task. Carefully, I draped my new friend across my shoulders and he instinctively settled next to my skin. He playfully nipped my earlobe and I chuckled flashing a sly smile his way. I lifted one foot out with no idea where we were going but my determination drove me.

In an instant we stood in front of a moderately sized house with white siding, black shudders, and large circular concrete porch. The grey lawn adorned the bleakness that oozed like mist around the house. There was a crowd gathering around the front stoop, their faces grim and twisted in a strange assortments of expressions. As we walked closer I found that we towered two feet taller than the crowd. I pressed through the crowd closing on the front door. I could feel the warmth of my green friend reach under my shirt collar with a strange vibration running from his head to toe. I reached up resting my hand upon my collar bone overtop of my scared friend. I extended my arm and fingers to press the single white button ringed with silver to summon the occupants. Before I had the chance, I was staring into the worn, weathered face of an older woman. The lines of her face were deep with years of a hard life. Her skin was as grey as the hair that hung in straight severe lines framing her face. The only color in her complexion were her two liquid golden eyes with green flecks. My heart broke, and I tried stifling my sharp intake of breath. I looked into those eyes and I... smiled. Her eyes changed, I could see the complex emotions behind her eyes: doubt, fear, but tinged with intrigue.

I once again raised my arm and gently rested it on my collar bone. The shivering there was replaced with a soothing warmth. As the old woman drew her eyes to my hand see noticed my strange adornment. Her eyes grew wide and fierce. I could feel the greyness swell around her like an inflated balloon ready to burst. I was ready and wanted to scream or tear at her like a wild animal. Instead she caught me in her stare and she searched my eyes leading into my soul. She blinked first and a few clear tears rolled down her cheeks. She stepped backwards into the gloom and was gone.

I sat on the top step of the stoop and held my friend in a warm embrace. In my arms he grew in stature and girth until a boy of 18 sat next to me. With our arms intertwined we reveled in our closeness. Colors of deep greens, dark browns, and hues of orange drifted in pushing the grey away. He caressed his head against my shoulder and I opened my liquid gold, green flaked eyes to a new day.

~~~~~

Interestingly, I felt pretty good for the rest of the day.
 
“Manhood” won’t do, for it's far too archaic, and reminiscent of the days when uplifting pornagraphic fiction masqueraded as serious literature appropriately wrapped between brown covers. Please don’t abuse your leading man by calling his wang a petzel. Be certain not to call it something trivial like cock, far too common for the devoted reader of cheap erotica. Demonstrate a little respect, and opt for a metaphor such as "staff" especially, if you don’t mind sounding aloof. You could go for “rod” perhaps, a little too Boons and Mills. Be absolutely certain not letting the reader hear you refer to it as “Tiny Tim.” :D

Now back to the cappuccino...
 
“Manhood” won’t do, for it's far too archaic, and reminiscent of the days when uplifting pornagraphic fiction masqueraded as serious literature appropriately wrapped between brown covers. Please don’t abuse your leading man by calling his wang a petzel. Be certain not to call it something trivial like cock, far too common for the devoted reader of cheap erotica. Demonstrate a little respect, and opt for a metaphor such as "staff" especially, if you don’t mind sounding aloof. You could go for “rod” perhaps, a little too Boons and Mills. Be absolutely certain not letting the reader hear you refer to it as “Tiny Tim.” :D

Now back to the cappuccino...

You made me smile, my day is better already! Thanks You!
 
Thanks Seasoned, I've read a bit about alcoholism and now that you mentioned codependency I will focus more on that. I also looked up a local Al anon meeting and got as far as sitting in the parking lot watching people walk in until my own insecurities took over.

It can take a long while to muster up the courage to walk into a meeting. Do know that you don't have to participate or share. That is up to you. Many people if not most come to their first meeting feeling alone and afraid.

Please feel free to pm me anytime.
 
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