Virgin 21 not into hookups but then..

[lolnope]

Heyho,
so I am 21 years old and on my semester abroad in a country/city I have been planning to move to after my studies.

I am a good looking virgin in all sexual& romantic aspects and came with hopes that i might find someone to have a relationship with so I have another reason to move to this city.
I have been saving myself since my outing with 17 years because I thought I would meet someone that I liked and then put out.

But.. There is no one I have met that I see suitable for me either because examples:
1. One guy is 29 and has had 3 relationships and that shows me that he is not capabale of a long lasting relationship.
2. Their profile says the are looking for sexdates while stating at the same time that they are looking for relationships... That to me does not show dedication.

But I am young and horny and all the other exchange students are getting buckwild and lucky.. A girlfriend with a headscarf has even made out with seven people since she is here. This guy texted me yesterday he is visiting this city he had a funny way of writing that I really liked and is cute and we arranged that we meet tomorrow to hook up without penetration xD
And now my super ego (psycho analysis) is giving me a hard time because I grew up with muslim morals ( I am not muslim since I am 15) never wanted to be like this i.e. slut but now I will turn into a promiscuous gay that I alwas disapproved of in terms of boyfriend material.. My ID and super ego are fighting and I guess I am sad that I will not be pure in my first love and relationship.

Your mature thought on this would be appreciated

 

[medic1]

Perhaps you are expecting to much to soon. You are only 21 and the excitement of being in a new city with all that it has to offer, can be very tempting indeed.
If you find yourself liking this guy, and as you have already mentioned there will be "limits" as to what you both do. Then enjoy those feelings, they will more than likely give you a greater perspective on what you are looking for.
It in no way makes you a "promiscuous" guy at all. If that was in your nature i do not think you would have waited 4 years to even just hang out with another guy. You will be nervous, excited, and have all these mad thoughts running through your head. All perfectly normal.

Enjoy this for what it is, your first date with a guy that you seem to like. I hope you have a great time, let us all know how it went.
Best wishes.....

Almost forgot, welcome to JUB.....

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome. Sometimes people "save" themselves because they thing they are supposed to or because they are afraid. You've made a judgement about single people who are sexually active. Too many people do too much judging. As long as no one is getting hurt all of us are entitled to be as sexual as we want. It seems to me that if you are judging others by your standards, your standards aren't authentic. Unless we are being affected, what other people do is none of our business.

I think you're afraid to become sexual for fear you'll become, in your word, a "slut." At some point you'll need to give yourself permission to be sexual with another person. Whether or not you wait for a special person is up to you, but the impact of that first time will be the same. You're going to want more. The key is to realize that sex is a need and a want and that unless a person is a sexual addict we have the ability to practice discernment after we become sexually active.

 

[checkinthingsout]

I think you're afraid to become sexual for fear you'll become, in your word, a "slut." At some point you'll need to give yourself permission to be sexual with another person. Whether or not you wait for a special person is up to you, but the impact of that first time will be the same. You're going to want more. The key is to realize that sex is a need and a want and that unless a person is a sexual addict we have the ability to practice discernment after we become sexually active.

Seasoned has laid it out clearly. If you want to experience life to the fullest, you need to let yourself experience life to the fullest. I think you should reevaluate your ID and understand what values and what experiences you want that person to have, and fully understand that there are risks involved with achieving them. For instance, you are saving yourself for someone special, so you wrote off someone who has had 3 boyfriends by age 29. I am not sure what country, cultural background you are from, but in America, most unmarried men and women have dated at least 3 people by age 29, and this doesnt include everyone they have ever slept with.


Would I call them sluts? No. Would I call them promiscuous? Depends on a person by person basis. But if they are/were promiscuous, so what? That doesn't make them less of a person, or less of a match for you. As you grow up, you will run into less and less people of your experience level.

Instead of romantic past as a criteria for getting involved with someone, take a RISK and see how they make you feel as a person, and if you are attracted to them emotionally and physically, go for it.


Many people who are in love have had their heart broken. They took risks, and eventually those risks paid off.

Many people who have had the best sex of their lives, have most probably also had the worst sex of their lives...but again the risk paid off.

 

[hylas]

***


Hey there! You have quite a lot of preconceptions and I think you're making it difficult for yourself to be happy.

... and came with hopes that i might find someone to have a relationship with so I have another reason to move to this city.

You're setting yourself up for disappointment. You find love when you find it. Of course you can put more or less effort into the search, but ultimately, you'll find it when you find it.

1. One guy is 29 and has had 3 relationships and that shows me that he is not capabale of a long lasting relationship.

So you think because somebody has experience it makes him less capable? Doesn't make much sense to me.

2. Their profile says the are looking for sexdates while stating at the same time that they are looking for relationships... That to me does not show dedication.

People can have casual sex because they enjoy having sex. It doesn't make them more or less capable of having romantic relationships.

But I am young and horny (...) This guy texted me yesterday he is visiting this city he had a funny way of writing that I really liked and is cute and we arranged that we meet tomorrow to hook up without penetration xD
And now my super ego (psycho analysis) is giving me a hard time because I grew up with muslim morals ( I am not muslim since I am 15) never wanted to be like this i.e. slut but now I will turn into a promiscuous gay that I alwas disapproved of in terms of boyfriend material.

And this is pretty much the core of it. I presume you think of yourself as a good guy, someone who worthy of love, someone capable of romantic relationships. But you also feel like having casual sex. Conclusion: guys who enjoy casual sex can be good guys, worthy of love, and capable of romantic relationships. It's true for you, and it's true for many of the guy's you've been dismissing.

I guess I am sad that I will not be pure in my first love and relationship.

I know it's not easy to overcome cultural imprints, but you better get over the idea of "purity" real quick, for your own sake. "Purity" is a bullshit concept invented primarily to control women, but it also surpresses men. I can't think of a single good thing that comes from the idea of "purity", or "being pure".

Hope I'm not being too harsh, I just think you still have a lot of unhealthy cultural programming to overcome. At the moment you're still being very prude and judgemental, with others and yourself. Good luck, play safe!

 

[bruce379]

let go and live your life. make yourself happy. as long as you do everything safely and everyone is a consenting adult, go for it.
sex is 1.3 billion years old, you are built for sex. it's not your fault.

 

[bankside]

Heyho,
so I am 21 years old and on my semester abroad in a country/city I have been planning to move to after my studies.

I am a good looking virgin in all sexual& romantic aspects and came with hopes that i might find someone to have a relationship with so I have another reason to move to this city.
I have been saving myself since my outing with 17 years because I thought I would meet someone that I liked and then put out.

But.. There is no one I have met that I see suitable for me either because examples:
1. One guy is 29 and has had 3 relationships and that shows me that he is not capabale of a long lasting relationship.
2. Their profile says the are looking for sexdates while stating at the same time that they are looking for relationships... That to me does not show dedication.

But I am young and horny and all the other exchange students are getting buckwild and lucky.. A girlfriend with a headscarf has even made out with seven people since she is here. This guy texted me yesterday he is visiting this city he had a funny way of writing that I really liked and is cute and we arranged that we meet tomorrow to hook up without penetration xD
And now my super ego (psycho analysis) is giving me a hard time because I grew up with muslim morals ( I am not muslim since I am 15) never wanted to be like this i.e. slut but now I will turn into a promiscuous gay that I alwas disapproved of in terms of boyfriend material.. My ID and super ego are fighting and I guess I am sad that I will not be pure in my first love and relationship.

Your mature thought on this would be appreciated

I wanted the same things you want. I made the same judgements about others you did in examples 1 and 2. (For those who complain about judging others, I only judged the potential I would have with that person to be in a relationship.) I also got what I wanted.

What you lack is patience.

 

[Rolyo85]

I'm nearly 29, have been in two "official" relationships, two very intense "unofficial" ones (in the sense that we never put a label on our exclusive dating", and dated a few guys which went nowhere. In each one of those cases there were legitimate reasons for why things didn't work out. Sometimes it was my fault, sometimes theirs, and sometimes it was outside circumstances. But EACH time I learned something and had better success the next time. To judge someone because they've been in a relationship that didn't last, is extremely naive, and if you think that, lacking any experience, you'll just meet someone and be together forever - even more so. In fact, you'll date MANY people before you find someone.

As for "purity", that's bullshit. Sex is a natural human need, and as long as you're emotionally and physically safe, there is NO reason not to have it casually. I'm extremely romantic and relationship oriented. But while I'm single, I'm fairly slutty too. And damn proud of it

 

[lolnope]

Thank you for your opinions

We met in the city and then went to a café and talked to get to know each other.
To my surprise he told me that he had a girlfriend in his hometown and that he had two boyfriends was also having a girlfriend, which was really offputting. After he told me that he had a girlfriend I wanted to get rid of him as soon as possible but I couldn't since I told him he could stay at my place tonight since you from another city.
I made it pretty clear that I think it's not okay what he is doing but then we went to sleep one thing led to another and we made out hardcore.
The next he called me again and told me wanted to see me again and since he was my first kiss and everything I wanted to get to know him better. That night we talked a lot and I got to know him and I learned that he was planning on marrying his girlfriend in 2 to 3 years to make family happy because he's a bisexual. he also said that maybe when he had lived in America Germany where gay families can adopt children he would maybe have planned to marry with a man.
That day we met in the evening outside to say goodbye because he was flying back to his home city and after having said goodbye I went home because really sad for his situation and I cried for like two minutes Thankfully after one day I was already over it and he still wants me to visit him and his city because he really liked me but I'm don't feel like it.

Well there goes my Karma

 

[lolnope]

I wanted the same things you want. I made the same judgements about others you did in examples 1 and 2. (For those who complain about judging others, I only judged the potential I would have with that person to be in a relationship.) I also got what I wanted.

What you lack is patience.

How long did you wait to get what you want and how long did it last ?

 

[bankside]

I met him when i was 25 and it's 16 years so far...nearly 17.

 

[TX-Beau]

Thank you for your opinions

We met in the city and then went to a café and talked to get to know each other.
To my surprise he told me that he had a girlfriend in his hometown and that he had two boyfriends was also having a girlfriend, which was really offputting. After he told me that he had a girlfriend I wanted to get rid of him as soon as possible but I couldn't since I told him he could stay at my place tonight since you from another city.
I made it pretty clear that I think it's not okay what he is doing but then we went to sleep one thing led to another and we made out hardcore.
The next he called me again and told me wanted to see me again and since he was my first kiss and everything I wanted to get to know him better. That night we talked a lot and I got to know him and I learned that he was planning on marrying his girlfriend in 2 to 3 years to make family happy because he's a bisexual. he also said that maybe when he had lived in America Germany where gay families can adopt children he would maybe have planned to marry with a man.
That day we met in the evening outside to say goodbye because he was flying back to his home city and after having said goodbye I went home because really sad for his situation and I cried for like two minutes Thankfully after one day I was already over it and he still wants me to visit him and his city because he really liked me but I'm don't feel like it.

Well there goes my Karma

OK, so you met this guy who's stringing along a girl he plans to use as a beard, two other guys, and you decided to make out with him anyway?

I admit to being slutty but I wouldn't do that. What you are doing is making bad choices because you're horny. Your "Muslim Morals" don't seem to be impeding your choices much - so I suspect that is a case of using them as a crutch for why you aren't being slutty than any actual convictions about following them.

Which is fine. My advice. Get Laid. You won't find "the one" any less magical when he comes along just because you let "the other ones" swing on your cock. In fact, virgins are usually awkward and kinda tiresome. You wouldn't want to do that to "the one" now would you.

 

[Rolyo85]

Yeah, I am kinda disgusted by this story. His bullshit closet asshole excuses are pathetic and transparent. Frankly, I'd be so repulsed by his situation and his willful participation in it, I would feel zero attraction to him.

Stay away. Closeted people with girlfriends they plan to marry are toxic and dangerous.

 

[palbert]

....
To my surprise he told me that he had a girlfriend in his hometown and that he had two boyfriends was also having a girlfriend, which was really offputting. After he told me that he had a girlfriend I wanted to get rid of him as soon as possible but I couldn't since I told him he could stay at my place tonight since you from another city.
I made it pretty clear that I think it's not okay what he is doing but then we went to sleep one thing led to another and we made out hardcore.
....

You seem to be doing just fine with hookups.

 

[RaKroma]

Don't wait till you're 45 to get consummated. Your 20s will run fast; experience youth till it lasts. Stop applying hetero standards to gay relationships. Our virginity is not holy that you're saving up for some guy who may never be.