Waiting for HIV test results, feeling low

[HeavenOnlyKnows]

So I suffer from constant mood swings... whenever I'm feeling lonely, like nobody will love me, I will look on the internet for sex... sometimes I use protection, sometimes I don't. I've been tested negative last year and I promised myself to never to it again, but clearly I can't keep promises to myself.

I've actually developed a bit of a relation with the last guy I barebacked with... we're now friends "who are talking." I like him, I really do, but he is not looking for a relationship now and wants to take it slow...

I had an idea in my mind that I wouldn't be at risk of HIV if I was topping condomless, which is actually slightly less riskier than bottoming condomless, but the risk is still there, and apparently the risk is higher for the top if he is uncut, which I am.

I've been feeling strange lately, I keep associating them with HIV/STI symptoms, but I can't really know until I get the results back.

So I've been thinking alot about this guy... wondering if he'll ever be ready for a relationship with me, if it is practical, if we're a good fit, if all of this is just too strange... going from a hookup to talking friends to whatever develops, but most of all, I am liable for his health, and I want to talk about what we've done together and why.

Now I'm just hoping for the best and preparing for the worst... I'm trying to tell myself not to hurt myself if the results come back positive. And if I am positive, I have to tell my friends and family, which I am not ready to do.

I just had to put this somewhere other than my mind.

 

[Rex]

Wish you the best and I hope this is all just mental and you're really fine.

I never understood why people would take the risk of not using condoms but keep us updated and hopefull you're OK.

 

[altlover85]

So I suffer from constant mood swings... whenever I'm feeling lonely, like nobody will love me, I will look on the internet for sex... sometimes I use protection, sometimes I don't. I've been tested negative last year and I promised myself to never to it again, but clearly I can't keep promises to myself.

I've actually developed a bit of a relation with the last guy I barebacked with... we're now friends "who are talking." I like him, I really do, but he is not looking for a relationship now and wants to take it slow...

I had an idea in my mind that I wouldn't be at risk of HIV if I was topping condomless, which is actually slightly less riskier than bottoming condomless, but the risk is still there, and apparently the risk is higher for the top if he is uncut, which I am.

I've been feeling strange lately, I keep associating them with HIV/STI symptoms, but I can't really know until I get the results back.

So I've been thinking alot about this guy... wondering if he'll ever be ready for a relationship with me, if it is practical, if we're a good fit, if all of this is just too strange... going from a hookup to talking friends to whatever develops, but most of all, I am liable for his health, and I want to talk about what we've done together and why.

Now I'm just hoping for the best and preparing for the worst... I'm trying to tell myself not to hurt myself if the results come back positive. And if I am positive, I have to tell my friends and family, which I am not ready to do.

I just had to put this somewhere other than my mind.

If it turns out you're positive, it's not the end of the world. You don't have to tell your friends and family right away if you don't want to. It would be good if you could find a friend to confide in though because you don't want to go through that alone.

As far as this guy goes, I wouldn't focus on him too much. Generally if someone isn't ready for a relationship it isn't worth it to try and hope that the person will be.

 

[Echoes]

I wish you the best and hopefully what you're feeling is just in your mind.

Keep us updated.

 

[medic1]

Firstly i hope that your tests are all good ones.but what i will say and i agree tottally with sultan here always use a condom even if you think that you are at less risk if you just top without the use of a condom,there are many gay men out there who are just tops but who also have hiv.
You are correct the chances are higher for the passive partner but being just a top does not make you immune,i know that using condoms can be a bloody nuisance sometimes and that sometimes they take away that spontanity in sex
which can be such a truly tottal turn on.
Though always remember you and your sexual partners lifes are worth more than a fuck no matter how good that fuck is.
Good luck with your test results fella take care.

 

[SteveyBoyLA]

I made a mistake years ago when I too did not use a condom. It was a bad period of my life - very low self esteem, etc. I got the results, and yes, they were positive. If your results come back positive (sending you good kama that it won't be - symptoms are notoriously unreliable), you certainly don't need to "hurt" yourself. There is help from LGBT support groups and on-line forums.

Use this experience as a learning moment... no, a life changing moment. Medic1 is right, respecting the importance of you and your partner's health and lives are worth far more than a good fuck. Trust me, barebacking is not worth it!

Best of luck - keep us informed.

 

[KaraBulut]

So I suffer from constant mood swings... whenever I'm feeling lonely, like nobody will love me, I will look on the internet for sex... sometimes I use protection, sometimes I don't. (

Well, you've figured out that internet sex isn't going to fix your mood swings and your need to feel loved- at least not for more than a night.

The question is, "What are you willing to do to fix the real issue- your depression and your self-esteem issues?".

 

[rareboy]

Well, you've figured out that internet sex isn't going to fix your mood swings and your need to feel loved- at least not for more than a night.

The question is, "What are you willing to do to fix the real issue- your depression and your self-esteem issues?".

This.

You need to sort this out as well as dealing with the physiological basis of your depression and mood disorders.

 

[MoltenRock III]

This.

You need to sort this out as well as dealing with the physiological basis of your depression and mood disorders.

Agreed! It's the difference that separates the boys from the men. Boys are uncomfortable in their own skin, as we all were at one time. A man has come to grips with his insecurities, his flaws, and the things he can & cannot change, which makes him feel comfortable in his own skin.

It has nothing to do with age. A few boys become men at age 25. More at 30. Even more by 35. Unfortunately, some boys never become men, and you've all seen them trolling the bars at age 50, 55, or 60 years old, still slobbering over underaged looking boys. They've never come to grips with their issues, problems, and life.

It's not easy, it's not fun. But you have to face yourself in the mirror and take stock of your life and do the things that you need to do to change into the person you want to be. Sure you made mistakes, we all have. But stop repeating the unhealthy behavior, and take responsibility for your actions and life. If you do, trust me, life gets much, much better. Additionally, you'll be a happier and more fulfilled person if you do.

 

[altlover85]

Unfortunately, some boys never become men, and you've all seen them trolling the bars at age 50, 55, or 60 years old, still slobbering over underaged looking boys. They've never come to grips with their issues, problems, and life.

Aren't there some guys that are attracted to younger guys though?

Does being older mean you have to be attracted to guys your own age?

 

[KaraBulut]

Aren't there some guys that are attracted to younger guys though?

Does being older mean you have to be attracted to guys your own age?

Everyone is attracted to younger guys.

But not all of us are making fools of ourselves over it.

But back to the original point... there's a lot of tough lessons at any age. Hopefully, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and learn from the experience.

For the OP, this is a lesson. But it's also a wake-up call that until he deals with his depression and self-esteem issues, he's on a treadmill running fast but not really getting anywhere.

 

[altlover85]

Everyone is attracted to younger guys.

But not all of us are making fools of ourselves over it.

Haha! Actually everyone isn't. However, I understand your main point.