Want some advice on how to approach this situation

[LemonMonk]

Firstly, apologies if I misspell anything, Using a browser without spell check for once.

I met a guy at a party, after I left early he told my friends there that he thinks I'm really hot, which is great, because I think he's gorgeous, everything I look for, he's got. A friend there let me know what he thinks, and that he is in a relationship! I will not knowingly get in the way of a relationship, regardless of how dead it might be, so long as it is still officially going on.

Via Facebook he's been sending messages, that are obviously a ploy to get me into bed, I'm flattered, but won't act on it. His messages to me, are now irritating me. Do not know if I should just say I know he's in a relationship, I'm flattered and think he's superb, or act cold until he gets the idea.

Thanks.

EDIT: Of course, I could remove him from Facebook, that would solve problems. I however know in the future I will have to spend time around him, he goes to the parties I go to. Doing anything harsh might make situations like that difficult.. but then it might be made difficult with advances towards me when not sober, in those situations, I'd be a lot happier to help him cheat. I'm not such a nice guy when drunk.

 

[bankside]

Your friend may not be knowledgeable on the very latest in this guy's life.

You could raise the question with "I'd love to ask you out but I wasn't sure you were single," and then let him fill in the blanks. Don't give him the cold shoulder without figuring out what is actually going on.

If he says "yes technically i'm not single but it is over," then you know he's damaged goods you can do without and let the cold-shouldering begin.

But maybe he'll say, "Actually, he moved out 3 days before I met you. I hope you don't think this is a rebound thing. We haven't been together for 3 months even though he was still living there in the spare bedroom. I just want to take things slow, but I would like to go out for dinner with you" which would be a pleasant surprise and maybe a fun night out.

 

[LemonMonk]

Thanks for the advice Bankside! I'm happy to say, just before I could post anything to him, he mentioned he has a boyfriend. He wasn't hiding the fact, he just didn't mentioned it. I do not think I was overreacting though, up to this point he's been flirtatious.

 

[Brian Smith]

Okay, it's one thing that I don't think I will ever comfortable with myself, but some gay guys keep "open relationships" in which they wantonly play around with other guys. In fact, my partner had an open relationship with his first partner wayyyy back when dinosaurs roamed the Earth, but they actually chased women on the side. The only gay sex they had was with each other.

Anyway, I really see this polyamory as archaic. I think it's largely a symptom of oppression. I am not sure I really think it's evil unto itself, but I personally don't see any place for it in my own life.

I don't KNOW this is what's going on, but it is one possibility, based on what you have told us. If that be the case, it's on your head to figure out what your comfort zone is. I can't tell you something like that.

 

[LemonMonk]

Thanks for the reply Brian, I know of Open Relationships, I've been offered a place in one, I like the idea of monogamy [or a one-on-one relationship, not wed], an open relationship is something I couldn't be part of. Think that he might be looking at that, otherwise the text he's sent doesn't add up. Unless he thinks he relationship will end soon, and he's looking for a potential backup, if that was the case I wouldn't know how to react at this time. Probably not favorably, given I'd be second place.

 

[TX-Beau]

[Comment to another poster deleted]

TO the OP, there is a reason heresy isn't admissible in court.

You stop playing games and talk to the guy, and forget about what your friend of a friend who's talked to the guy who heard him mention something in passing has to say, there are a thousand ways to find out what you want to know without it sounding like the note-passing is imminent, and that you are in pursuit of a drama.

 

[Rolyo85]

Yeah, tell him you like him and you're flattered by the attention, but you aren't sure what his status is. Then go from there.

 

[Seasoned]

Based on your update you know his status. So, how's he handling it with regards to you?

 

[Ganoderma]

hi LemonMonk,

Be honest and upfront to him and tell him that you are very flattered by his compliments. But add immediately that you want to take things slowly, and that you first want to built up some sort of friendship (or whatever). And also ask him about his current status and tell upfront to him that you don't want to start any sort of relationship with him immediately after he broke with his boyfriend.

So try to make clear to him that you like him, but that you prefer doing the things on your way.

Good luck & feel free to react.