Warning: Loving your best friend.

[Gomaki]

It's already become a little bit difficult. Although, I haven't been talking to him on my own, he has been contacting me.

He invited me over to his place the other day to help him buy something on ebay. While I was there, he proceded to be excited about plans for next week (on Mondays, we always hangout to watch Heroes, and next Wednesday we bought tickets to a Hockey game a while back). He wants me to wear one of his jerseys since I don't have one. He's gonna buy my beer and food, since I scored us the tickets. I know he wants things to be just like they were before, and he wants me to be happy. I want to hang out with him of course... I don't think I can just blow him off. I guess I can't just cancel, since I got the tickets weeks ago.

I told him that things would have to be different from now on. So he knows. I don't want him to feel bad about it. I hope he won't have a hard time with it either. There is only one day a week when I'm kind of required to see him at school, so there is no point on avoiding that, but if I can, I'm going to try to keep it at that for a while.

What can I do if he's the one who wants to hangout? Afterall, he knows I need the space. Should I go along with it?

 

[looseliam]

Keep standing your ground. Make it clear what and why you need space.

 

[dalton41]

Gomaki, I understand as I'm going through a similar situation. My question is, if my friend is straight then I have questions. But so far, my relationship is very positive ever since November 2005. We had a very rocky and miserable Summer when he was going out with this woman is no gift to mankind and I discovered that she had been lying to him (dating services online) and her son stole some items from his dad. How do I tell him of her activities? I told him the truth. Obviously he wants people to be truthful with him. Their relationship fell apart thanks to me.

To me, someone that is straight would never let me kiss his neck, lay my head on his chest twice, invite me over for dinner on Valentines day, call me with odd questions, wearing the same shirt to work, planning on another trip to New York in April, go to Florida with me and tells that what we have is between us. Yes, I am absolutely confused. But I am loving every moment of it.

I think he is bi, if he is, I landed a gold mine.

 

[iosif2]

Gomaki, so much that has been told to you by the other members is true. i'm amazed at all the insight these people have and there willingness to share it with you. Just goes to show you that if they are here to tell you about their experiences, then that is proof that their agony came to an end just as yours will. drawing on my experiences, i've been the victim of unrequited love both given and received with str8 men and women. i wish that it were something that happens just one or never for that matter. i think you'll find however that over the course of your lifetime, this drama tends to repeat itself in varying ways. this first tiime is the hardest, since you have no experiences of this sort upon which to draw to help guide you. let's just say that you will be all the wiser in the future. circumstances might change a little, but you will be assured of your capacity to get through it all. and YES time is a wonderful healer. new experiences and new friendships will dull the sharp edge of pain. you will know you are past it all someday when when you look back at this time of your life and realize you can't connect with all the emotions you currently have. anyway i applaude you for facing your friend with a difficult truth.

anyway,dude, my guess is that it might not quite be over yet, if you friend is wishing to brush this aside like it never happened, and continues to invite you, then be patient. right now he doesn't have the means to articulate the drama(pardon the word) going on in his head. i can see how he wish this bomb never dropped on him. your friendship was very important after all and it was just turned on its head. mark my words, he will sit you down someday, if you don't pester him and tell you how things really stand with him. and i bet he won't decide to disown you. my friend do what the others have told you and go your own way for a while. this is a great opportunity for you to grow as the gay person you are. believe me, after meeting just one nice guy, you'll get distracted from your obsession with your str8 friend enough to start letting go. peace iosif2

 

[colemanshs]

I've been in the same position and I'm here to tell you that you cannot hate yourself for falling for someone that you can't have. It is hard and all you can think about is being with that person and it seems that life isn't right without them by your side.

Just give yourself a little space away from him. Don't talk online, on the phone, or in person. It may take a few days or it may take a few weeks or months but you have to think about yourself.

Good luck.

 

[Gomaki]

I guess a little update is due.

We went out to the hockey game as I previously said was planned. I had an awesome time, but I get the feeling he was still uncomfortable hanging out with just me. I can't tell if he had a good time with me or not. I did my best to feel alright though. He did want to get some pictures together, since for some reason we don't have very many. I don't know what he's thinking, and I while I want to know, I don't want to bring up the subject with him. I told him I won't bring anymore drama into our friendship before, so I need to live up to it.

He passed his RCMP interview, so if he gets through the next few steps of the process, he'll be leaving the city for training, then off to work somewhere not here. That kills me. I want him to be happy, but a little part of me wants him to stay here. If he leaves, I don't know what I'll do for a while. It'll probably leave me really goddamn depressed. Already, just thinking about it makes me anxious.

It's really rough. I don't think I'll get through that easily. I can't stand the idea of losing a friend like that. I guess it's natural to want him to stay, but I feel alittle guilty about it. I always did whatever I could do to make him happy. I don't ever want to bring him down.

I guess in the end, at least I was able to tell him how I feel.

 

[dalton41]

Gomaki, I understand as I'm going through a similar situation. My question is, if my friend is straight then I have questions. But so far, my relationship is very positive ever since November 2005. We had a very rocky and miserable Summer when he was going out with this woman is no gift to mankind and I discovered that she had been lying to him (dating services online) and her son stole some items from his dad. How do I tell him of her activities? I told him the truth. Obviously he wants people to be truthful with him. Their relationship fell apart thanks to me.

To me, someone that is straight would never let me kiss his neck, lay my head on his chest twice, invite me over for dinner on Valentines day, call me with odd questions, wearing the same shirt to work, planning on another trip to New York in April, go to Florida with me and tells that what we have is between us. Yes, I am absolutely confused. But I am loving every moment of it.

I think he is bi, if he is, I landed a gold mine.

I hate to bump threads unless it's for a good reason. Well the last line to my post, I landed a gold mine. He asked me over for dinner on Memorial Day and he initiated the act. All I can say is WOW!!! But still, I don't undertand why he hestitated until now. The only answer I could come up with is the fact he assumed that I knew about him which I did not. Well, he's looking to buy a home now and I don't know if those plans includes me or not, I can only hope. I do know that when I sense a person is eyeballing me with a smile, that means something to me. I was right all along.

 

[confusedboy23]

Reading this thread nearly brought tears to my eyes. There is already so much insights from other guys that I really don't know what to add.

I will never truly understand the pain you are going through unless I were to be in your shoes but I can only imagine and that itself, is painful enough. It is only easy for me to say to you 'stay strong' but I know that it ain't easy at all.

All I can say right now is I really am wishing you all the best. Take care! And please, please, use this forum as a sounding board if you ever feel like you have too much to bear. We're here to listen and I think that's the very least I and the rest of us JUBbers can really do for one another.

 

[Gomaki]

Well, I noticed this thread was bumped, so maybe I should quick update my situation?
dalton41, firstly, you lucky asshole. I'm jealous. Lol.

Okay yeah, so my situation with my friend... I'm still always thinking about him, but I dunno, it feels a little different now. We went through a period of time where it was kind of weird. We would rarely talk, just hanging out occasionally and talk normally. But I guess it was okay, the space did us both good I suppose.

But recently, within the last month, we've been getting really close again. He randomly called be up during the day and asked if we could hang out. Of course it was alright with me. That day he asked if I wanted to marathon The O.C. with him. I never watched the show, and said I thought it was stupid, but it's really become a sort of guilty pleasure now. We marathoned a few all-nighters and it was great. We always make a day a week now where it's just me and him hanging out like old times. We don't go clubbing or drinking or anything, just chilling and enjoying each other's company. We both seem to be a little protective of each other, so we just keep it simple. However, I couldn't be happier.

I'm still working over my feelings for him, but I really think it's better than before. Sure sometimes, I still think that something could happen, but I quickly reality check myself. I make sure I'm just focusing on our friendship now. It's still hard sometimes, but I do my best.

So I guess in the end, even though I don't think anything more will ever happen between him and I, I know he's an important person in my world, and I know he feels the same about me. That feeling is the one of the best I could hope for. Having a friend like that is just as good as any romance.

I hope that people can read this and be inspired or just be given hope about this kind of situation that everyone seems to go through. If he's really your friend and you love him, he'll understand and still accept you. It is possible to still be friends, even if it takes time. Remember, it's all on your own shoulders how well you do dealing with something like this. You gotta have determination. Don't get too down on yourself. I now have no regret about confessing to him. It was important to come clean and move those emotions out of the way. He's a true friend, and I now fully understand that.

I'm so grateful that I was able to write about this stuff. I don't have anyone in my life who I would have been able to talk to about this. Thanks JUB, you guys really helped me through a tough time!

 

[RicanDAB]

Gomaki,

I have read through your situation and updates and most everyone's advice. My advice is to continue your friendship, as it seems like you are happy to some degree. However, I think you are allowing the friendship to encompass you so much that you're not allowing yourself to have a true romantic relationship with someone else. This is evidenced by your statement: "Having a friend like that is just as good as any romance."

I beg to differ with your statement. A good friend is wonderful to have, but they can never give you the emotional and physical connection that you can have with a romantic partner. I feel bad at the possibility that you're subconsciously denying yourself this ... are you on some level afraid that you will lose your friendship with this guy if you end up meeting a potential boyfriend?

Tread your waters carefully my friend .... my objective view tells me that you're in danger of reverting back to old habits. But I certainly hope not.

 

[Gomaki]

Yeah, I think you are right. I was denying myself an actual relationship for a long time, but I find myself more and more open to opportunity now. It's in no way easy, and I have to re-check myself all the time, but I think I'm slowly moving along.

What I was meaning about "Having a friend like that is just as good as any romance." was more that I think that romances fade (i mean, casual girlfriend/boyfriend situations), but having a good friend like I believe I have, is a long lasting thing. It's different, for sure, but I would qualify it as just as good. If I'm in a romantic relationship that fails, I know I'll have someone around to help me out. There are things you need a best friend for that maybe a partner can't fill in for. You know what I mean?

Anyway, I'm still a work in progress, but I do want to move forward with my own life. I can now see how stuck I was before.

 

[dalton41]

Well, I noticed this thread was bumped, so maybe I should quick update my situation?
dalton41, firstly, you lucky asshole. I'm jealous. Lol.


I'm so grateful that I was able to write about this stuff. I don't have anyone in my life who I would have been able to talk to about this. Thanks JUB, you guys really helped me through a tough time!

Thanks Gomaki, I've always felt lucky, I just didn't know how lucky. I can't believe it happened. But we got much to talk about. I still don't know why it happened or if his feelings for me were just as strong as mine or what. I'm not complaining. I think I'm beginning to understand though. The gold digger was just using him and it was a good way to hide behind one's sexual preference but when he realized that my love for him was clear, everything came out.

I'm grateful too for JUB. Where else could I talk about this.

 

[Gooey45]

what i have learned is not to fall in love at all if you start lusting stop it there because it hurts so much that is hard to function.is hard to get up is hard to turn the phone off is hard to stop trying to get in contact with them is just hard.I wish I never met my best friend because he continues to hurt me.Is like an open wound that doesn't let me breathe right. I'm sad cant be happy unless I'm with him.I finally decided to end it.After two week trial that resulted from the last fight.I noticed that some people love to be loved.And those are the people i am staying away from . The second i find myself jerking off to a friend hes cut off.Not anymore i cant take this pain is not worth it.I rather be alone and happy in my own world then be stuck in someone elses. Gomaki i dont think you should continue the friendship.You'll always be in love your mind plays tricks on you.It will make you say "oh hes a great friend im just going to love him like a brother" thats BS the second you get comfortable again all the feelings come back.Is not worth it.

 

[Gomaki]

I really know what your saying. But I really want to give it a try. I know I still am in love with him, but I feel like I can't just cut someone out... it seems selfish or something... although I really should be thinking more about myself...

I can understand what you mean about "people who love to be loved". I think this guy is that type of person. He seems to love attention more than anything else. He thinks he's hot shit, and I hate that.

I know what you mean by open wound... I don't know if it's able to heal properly. I really hate to to contradict what I said in my last post, but that was only one side of how I feel. The second side feels like I should separate myself from him. It's funny how conflicted I am.

No, it's not funny. It's fucking terrible.

I can't afford to have all my feelings come back to the level they were at before, and get let down again and again. It really took a huge toll on my school, on my job, on my own attitudes.

I'm kind of just floating, hoping everything will turn out okay in one way or another. I can't just terminate him, because in the end, he still is my best friend. I suppose the best I can do now is see how things move on their own. I already got him to reject me out right, so I know if he's forced to do that again, it'll be pretty much over, friendship and all. But on the other hand, I do honestly feel like my feelings are somewhat lesser than they were before. If I can ease out of it, then great. Keep a long lasting friendship, and find happiness with someone else and myself. But I have no idea what is more likely... and it all depends on me to figure it out.

I dunno, I really don't feel I deserve this kind of bullshit in my life. Liking other guys makes things so difficult. But everyone here already knows that, I'm 100% certain. Wish me luck I guess. I'll keep posting if anything happens.

 

[dalton41]

Just when I thought when my situation could not get any better, it did. A beautiful thing happened between me and Bret Thursday night. Just as I was getting ready to go to bed, he called me around 10:30 and before long he was suggesting I come over...I was there in about 15 minutes.

I spent the night with him and wow!!! Yeah, I know, I slept with him on several occassions, but this time, it was for the purpose of love. It was a night I only dreamed about many times and never thought it could not possibly happened. Waking up in his arms was absolutely beautiful (except for his snoring and even that was awesome). Second time around was better than the first.

I did have the opportunity to ask him about why he was making changes in his life and if those changes included me and it does. So I opened the door of opportunity and told him that if he should ever ask me to share a life together, I would say yes. Right now, I am on cloud 9.