Was I led on? PLEASE HELP!

[locksmithers]

So I posted a thread here many weeks back about a guy I met on Craigslist. I thought this warranted a new thread because it's a main update.

In a nutshell: I met this guy via Craigslist almost 2 months ago for the purpose of a hookup. However, the one night stand turned into many more rendezvous. Bedroom sex evolved outside the bed and we saw each other in restaurants, movie theater, his house, etc. After every meeting (let's call him Jason), Jason would text after getting home saying, "I always have a great time with you" or "No one could pleasure me like you" or "You are a great guy" or "I told my mom about you and she said, 'Well son, as long as you don't get hurt'" etc.

Anyway, several weeks ago, we hit a fallow period. By fallow I mean, we've always texted at least once a day or seen each other at least once a week. But for 2 weeks, I felt like I was the only one making the effort to communicate. He wasn't initiating any texts. Whenever *I* did text, he would reply deadend messages like "Lol ok". He did say at the beginning of this fallow period that his father had just gotten out of the hospital and he had to spend time with him. OK, that's fine. But I stalk his Facebook (we're not friends there) and see that for several days, he's been adding new hot guys on his Friends list. One of Jason's new friends was Casper. I thought this was just nothing, but this actually relates later on in the story.

Anyway, last week we started actively seeing each other again. I went to his house, cuddled, etc. But I saw that he was texting Casper. In fact, at one point, I even saw him stand up and go to the living room while I was in bed. I heard lots of clicking pictures. Again, I didn't think he was actually texting Casper since he said it was his sister.

Then he started texting me again after that night--almost to the point of coming across really clingy. I LOVED IT. I've been wanting him to need me and here it is, finally happening. He even asked me for naked pictures, which I sent. When I asked for his though, I noticed that he sent me a picture with his cock having a bush when just recently I saw him, he shaved. So I wondered about this since he doesn't seem to be the type of guy that sends pictures to random guys. The status of his bush looked like right before our fallow period.


This is where it gets interesting:

On Monday, we agreed to go on a restaurant. He's been wanting to see me so I obliged. While ordering food:
JASON: So... are you seeing anyone?
ME: No, not really (but in my head I was thinking - Umm, aren't you supposed to be the one I'm seeing?)
JASON: Well, I was dating someone 2 weeks ago. His name is Casper. (He shows me his picture - the same one whom he added during the period when he wasn't talking to me.)
ME: Cool. Where did you meet him? (I was basically sobbing inside already. I ordered vodka straight.)
JASON: Through common friends. But I told him I'm enjoying being single right now. He lives just outside the city. He wants to see me again.

I then called him out saying "I thought we were seeing each other - I thought this was a date, this really hurts." He said "Well the thing is, I'm enjoying being single right now. I met you via Craigslist and I wasn't expecting to get a relationship out of that. Plus you said you are moving away soon. If I did go on a relationship with this guy, I'm not going to ignore you. We'll still be friends."

His excuses were unfounded: 1.) It doesn't matter where we met--yes, we met on the basis of a hookup but we've gotten way past that stage already; 2.) I'm moving away in 1.5 years, which is plenty of time; 3.) The last statement is just passive aggressive.

So we still hung out after dinner. The vodka alleviated my heartbreak. We went to a sex shop, then to my house. We had sex then we cuddled. I put on a movie. He turned his cellphone on and I saw that Casper texted him. I was scratching his back lightly per his request while he was texting Casper. I couldn't make out all the words but it was a long conversation and he was saying, "Aww, I miss you too." I just almost lost my shit right there. He left after to see his other friend for tea. Note that Casper lives sort of far from the city so they only saw each other once last week.

We ended our night. While saying our goodbyes, I just had a stern look on my face but he still said with a smile, "Thank you for the great night. I loved it" then he advanced for a hug, which he's never initiated before. I'm thinking out of guilt.

The next day he texted if I wanted to see him for lunch - again he never does that. I said no. I then deleted his number from my phone so I'm not tempted to text him. I'll still reply and be friends with him - cutting him off completely would just cause for "What if?" down the road. However, I'll let him come to me for now.




The thing that hurts the most is we've been seeing each other lots of times for the past 2 months--even gave each other Valentine's Day gifts YET he considered NONE of those meetups a date. While this guy enters the picture--sees him for ONE day, and he calls that a date. No nothing was made official, maybe he saw our thing as a Friends-With-Benefits kind of thing, whereas I saw it as something leading up to a relationship. I keep thinking I want to focus on my self more because in my head I feel like I don't have the right to be hurt. But in my heart, I can't help but feel down and depressed.

Thoughts?

 

[FlimFlam]

Did you explicitly say to this guy that any of these meetings a date? Did at anytime either of you say you were dating each other? Did he ever express that he wanted to go steady with you?
You met via a hookup. Unless otherwise specified, it seems like you kept that going with a fuck buddy/friends with benefits situation. You had fun and you seemed to have a connection. But that doesn't mean you were dating. And he can't read your mind.

You weren't lead on. Learn from this and be straightforward next time.

 

[Rolyo85]

Yeah, it really sounds like a classic case of "why isn't he reading my mind?!" I remember your previous topic, and it was the same mindgame there.

When you want something, you have to say so. When you have not met on a "date" (and btw it's enough to CALL it a date, whether you've met yesterday, or seventeen years ago), you need to discuss what is it that you both want from this. He went on a DATE with this Casper, therefore it was a date. It's not because your relationship is less important to him than the one with the new guy, it's because YOU never bothered to define what you were feeling and expecting.

You can still make this work. Tell him how you feel, and that you would like to try something more serious. And if he doesn't want that, well - you need to cut it off. Because the moment one of you wants more than the other, sex becomes a SERIOUS problem.

But you can't blame him if he didn't think you were dating and you did. He can't read your mind and there is no rule that says ANY amount of communication and interaction = dating.

 

[Georgiadude]

I remember the other post as well. The two of you weren't on the same page. You thought things had progressed to dating and he was more along the lines of "special friends". It's both of your faults, neither were very clear with each other about things. However, you told him how you feel and he gave you some bs. You not only finished dinner with him but had sex and cuddled. The jerk had the nerve to have a conversation with the other guy with you laying there!!!! and you let him???? He's treated you like shit. Why in the world would you want to remain friends with him. So he can continue using you for sex and throw his dating life in your face knowing how you feel about him. Cut this jerk out of your life completely. I know it hurts. I know it sucks. But don't let him hurt you any more. He doesn't have any respect for you or care about your feelings. I don't mean to come across as blaming you. You deserve better. Cut him out of your life and find someone that will treat you better.

Steven.

 

[vater292]

Hmm this sounds some what familiar to my recent incident. Difference was after two months of seeing each other he told me we could be fwb and he had a boyfriend who he has been with for three years, he was out of state at school. So made me wonder what the last two months had been, after he told me that. Personally I don't neccessarily have any advice, but I guess if it wasnt fully expressed you were dating it could be nothing but hook-ups.

 

[Seasoned]

You deserve undivided attention no matter what you call the interaction. Don't settle for table scraps. You were dating. It just wasn't exclusive.

 

[crushinonted]

You deserve undivided attention no matter what you call the interaction. Don't settle for table scraps. You were dating. It just wasn't exclusive.

This... a thousand times this!

He obviously doesn't respect you. He's texting some other guy while you're sitting behind him, rubbing his back? And that after you told him how you feel? And you're not completely cutting him out of your life? He's giving you just enough to keep you around. The games people play...

 

[Durango95]

Ok I'm going to give you both sides. I can see where he is coming from with the CL reference. One doesn't go on CL looking for actual love, well, as a rule anyway. I assume from your relating of events that all your encounters ended or revolved around sex. I can see whee he got the idea that these were all just subsequent hook-ups. I can see that especially if there was nothing said to the contrary by either of you.

The Valentine's Day thing is a bit awkward, but I'll mark that up to clever marketing by confectionery companies trying to make everyone feel guilty in ordered to purchase their products for any random person in their vicinity to assuage said guilt.

Ok the stalking FB page speaks volumes to me. I'm thinking you already knew something was awry.

Now the blatant lie about texting the guy while you were there at his house was the first flag. The change in behavior was the second flag. The convo at the restaurant was the third. The the hug thing was the tumbotron flashing.

So here's my take. If he was completely oblivious to your growing affections and thought of all this as just a string of inconsequential hook ups he wouldn't have changes his behavior at all and when confronted would have been like nonchalant about it. The fact he was clandestine and overtly altered the situation says to me, he, at the very least, thought you'd be upset about the entrance of this other guy. Either way you say it, he seems rather insensitive.

Now I'll take the extreme view in that he was indeed leading you on. He wants to have you for sex and someone else for sex and possibly a relationship.

Here's the kicker. We are gay men. We don't play in straight world, so the same rules don't apply. Gay men have indiscriminate sex frequently with many guys concurrently and sometimes at the very same time. That is one of the fun things about being a gay man. If you were starting to think of this thing with him as heading to a relationship you should have said something. The fact it has only been two months is sort of suspicious but that's another thread.

I will say in your defense that immediacy in feelings can happen. My last LTR guy was an instant thing. We had sex the first day we actually met and were together for 4 really great years.

 

[sixthson]

Here's the kicker. We are gay men. We don't play in straight world, so the same rules don't apply. Gay men have indiscriminate sex frequently with many guys concurrently and sometimes at the very same time. That is one of the fun things about being a gay man.

While I am sure there are guys here who will agree with you, you don't speak for me. You sound more like the homophobes in the straight world who would have everyone believe that as gay men we want only sex--they call it a lifestyle.

To the OP: you are giving this guy everything he wants but you are willing to accept so little in return. It doesn't appear that he sees you as someone more than just for fun. It sounds like he has options and is not willing to commit to anyone at this point. YOu need to let him know what you want and then have the courage to say good bye to him if he doesn't want what you want.

 

[FlimFlam]

You deserve undivided attention no matter what you call the interaction. Don't settle for table scraps. You were dating. It just wasn't exclusive.

How is it dating if the subject of dating never comes up?

Some of the responses here are ridiculous.
I've been in situations where someone likes me and thinks just because we're hanging out, it means something. That's not how life works! People can't read your minds and feel the exact same way because you want them too.

 

[Durango95]

While I am sure there are guys here who will agree with you, you don't speak for me. You sound more like the homophobes in the straight world who would have everyone believe that as gay men we want only sex--they call it a lifestyle.

To the OP: you are giving this guy everything he wants but you are willing to accept so little in return. It doesn't appear that he sees you as someone more than just for fun. It sounds like he has options and is not willing to commit to anyone at this point. YOu need to let him know what you want and then have the courage to say good bye to him if he doesn't want what you want.

Whatever. It has been my experience that those gay guys that want to play by breeder rules do so because they cannot keep up in gay time....meaning said person probably can't get many "dates" to begin with and wants to justify the lack thereof by being an imperious phlegmatic prude. So I don't speak for you. Great! You don't speak for me either.

I honestly don't even know how many guys I've screwed. Is it something of which I am necessarily proud? Not so much. Is it something for which I am ashamed? Not so much. It just is.

 

[Rolyo85]

Let's not have an "are gay men wired to be promiscuous or not?" argument here. Durango95, if you want to help OP, address HIS particular situation, don't use the topic as platform for your random agendas.

I disagree with Seasoned - "dating" is an agreed upon situation, not some natural situation that just happens.

I do however agree strongly with Gorgiadude. I focused exclusively on OP's blame in expecting things without actually discussing them, and it is there for sure, but the fact is, the other guy is an asshole, or at least comes across as such in this situation.

 

[hylas]

i think hook-ups can become serious, and it looks like thats what you thought was happening, while he thought differently.
im personally not all that invested in what exactly you call any given arrangement (dating? fuckbuddies? boyfriends? etc) as long as the communication is clear. my question is, do you think you communicated your feelings and hopes clearly? did you tell him that you had feelings for him, and that you were hoping that this could become more serious? because judging from what you write, and his reaction, it doesnt seem like it was clear to him.

up to the dinner where you guys realize that youre not on the same page, it sounds more like miscommunication to me, not deceit. it happens. but after that dinner, things start to sound fucked up. he treats you like shit, and you let him. he comes off like a terrible person, and you like a doormat. maybe work on being better to yourself, and also, why would you hope to one day get together with somebody who treated you like that?

 

[palbert]

Simply put, it sounds as if you led yourself on.

 

[hylas]

edit: on second thought, he does come across like a bit of a user actually, but you also come across like a bit of a mess, so its kinda hard to tell. he was definitely being a user after that last dinner, and you let it happen, so i suspect that dynamic was already going on, in a more veiled form, before.

 

[njcollegekid]

he may have misled you a little bit. but it seems like neither of you communicated what exactly you were looking for, which may have nipped the issue in the bud.

 

[The_Reaper]

What happened to your no Sexting rule?

But to get on topic, I would say you've probably made the right move by taking steps to move on. Regardless of where you met, the progression of your relationship showed a bit of going beyond the "no strings attached" idea. In my mind, you were going out on dates when you saw a movie or went for dinner. Yes, you could have codified that during those times and prior to this last one, but I wouldn't say it was necessary.

Also, I'd just mention that if this guy was "seeing Caspar" while fucking around with you on the side, he's probably not the kind of guy you want to be dating anyways...He was seeing this guy, yet keeping his friends with benefits arrangement with you, which is shady in a number of ways.

Moving on is the best thing you can do now, and I think you have a right to be disappointed. Even if he considered this to be casual, he should have clearly seen that you were taking it a bit more seriously and should have let you know that he saw it that way PRIOR to going and fucking around with someone else. From the sounds of it, he just sounds either inconsiderate or he frankly doesn't care about other people's feelings.

You've dodged a bullet here, I would say, and the best thing to do is keep this all in perspective.